Chapter 4: Up Up and Away

"And this should cover the price of the Cyber-Cuzzi!"

Proudly swiping her credit card, Kairi smiled eagerly as the payment went through. General Manager Kermit the Frog didn't seem terribly pleased, but he wasn't complaining since most of his shop was still intact after all the unpleasantness.

"Okey-dokey, now just sign on the keypad," said Kermit, ignoring the crash of a falling light fixture two feet behind him.

Signing her name on the digital tablet, Kairi once again apologized, "Again, Mr. Kermit, I'm totally sorry about messing with your merch before I bought it. And, of course, destroying the mall."

"Hey, no problemo. That side of the mall's not even my property, and I, uh, had full faith you'd return to pay for this flying butt-warmer."

Kairi giggled. "Thanks for having faith!"

Just then, Reno shouted from right next to Kairi, "Whoa, Kairi—look! This place has Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6: The Movie: The Videogame!"

"Put it back, Reno," Kairi commanded.

"Aw, c'mon! It's got the coolest lootbox system AND it's the director's cut—"

"I SAID PUT IT BACK!"


-X-

Back outside, Kairi and Reno practically walked into a wall of cops. Law enforcement had finally responded, now preoccupied with detaining a certain spark-queen.

"Oh, crap-a-zoid," Kairi panicked. "Um, evening, officers…"

"Halt!" said one of the cops. "You're under arrest for the destruction of an entire shopping mall!"

"It was like, half, dude—"

"Both of you, put your hands behind your back—!"

"But I didn't do nothin'!" Reno yelled. "Dammit, Kairi…"

Kairi started fidgeting with her suitcase-sized hot tub. "C'mon, do something useful!"

"Don't move!" the cops yelled.

Suddenly, Larxene shouted from behind the cops, "All of you—and I mean ALL OF YOU—can go get bent!"

And so, the sight of uniformed officers flying in different directions alarmed Reno and Kairi. Accompanied by haphazardly placed streaks of lightning, the sound of gunfire resounded in the area with most weapons shooting off in the sky. Larxene, looking exceptionally pissed off, managed to incapacitate law enforcement and even free herself from her handcuffs. Then, she gives Kairi a glare.

"Welp, you're dead," said Reno, slapping Kairi's shoulder.

Walking up in front of Kairi, Larxene relented her glare and suggested, "Let's get the hell out of here."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Kairi grinned cheesily before saying, "Guess who just earned a free turn in the Cyber-Cuzzi!"

Cracking a smile, Larxene said, "Yeah, yeah. So, I took a B'uber to get here. Mind if I hitch a ride with you guys?"

"I don't mind." Kairi looked up at her private chauffer. "Do you mind if she tags along, Reno?"

"Freakin' A—are you kidding me?" Reno snapped. "You two just spent the last hour trying to kill each other—!"

"It was like, twenty minutes," Larxene mumbled.

"Not to mention you're both too crazy to be in the same building, let alone ride in the same car! And I don't even know you!"

Kairi said, "Of course, you do! She's Not-Elena, and you're Not-Axel! You're practically family!"

Reno simply stared suspiciously into Larx's unnerving gaze.

Kairi tried again, "Practically co-workers?"

Reno sighed. "All right. Just don't blow up my goddamn car."

Larx asked, "Is it electric or gasoline-powered?"

"Gasoline, obviously."

"Huh." Larxene smirked. "Just keep me in a good mood, and we'll have a smooth ride."


-X-

So, after Kairi, Reno, and Larxene got away with property damage, assault on multiple police officers, and, to some degree, driving under the influence, they returned to Squeenix HQ and celebrated with a dip in the tub together. They even invited Sora…and Crash Bandicoot, for some reason. Anyway, they set up the Cyber-Cuzzi literally in the middle of the hallway outside of Sora's dorm room.

"Well, this is a shocker," Sora quipped. "Never thought I'd be sharing a hot tub with you, Larxene."

"Don't get used to it," Larxene said, sipping a cold beer.

Reno asked, "Wait…she can technically kill us at any moment, right? Like, all she's gotta do is crank up the voltage and we're all done for, right?"

Larxene shrugged. "Pretty sure I'd die, too. I channel electricity, not produce it. I'm not an eel."

Laughing, Crash piped up, "Oh-ho-ho, trust me! I've dealt with some nasty eels in my time, and they're not nearly as friendly or good-looking!"

"Good one, Crash," Sora plucked.

"Well, happy early-Valentine's Day, Sora!" said Kairi. "I hope you like your present."

"It's the best, Kairi," Sora said with a warm smile. "I'm a little bummed out 'cuz now I have to get you something even better."

"Aw, you know you don't have to impress me. I'm a simple girl, remember? As long as you think about me from time to time, then I don't care what you—"

"Oh, God—just go down on each other, already!" Larxene suddenly blurted out.

"Sheesh, Larxene, we were having a moment!" Sora grumbled.

"Why don't YOU go down on someone!" Kairi fired back, albeit feebly.

Without responding, Larxene smirked and submerged herself underwater, so Reno crosses his fingers with a hopeful look. Unable to see past the bubbles, Sora fretted, "Oh, crap—where'd she go?"

Scanning the wavy surface, Crash informed everyone, "Just so we're clear, I do in fact have a girlfriend."

Still crossing his fingers, Reno shouted, "Oh, gee—I sure hope no one loosens my trunks! Which are already loose!"

Suddenly, Kairi gasped, shifting in her seat. That's when Larxene resurfaced, holding the top and bottom of Kairi's swimsuit. "Got 'em!"

"You suck!" Kairi cried.

"You wish," Larx retorted.

While Reno cursed under his breath, Sora laughed nervously before saying, "Well, I'm just glad you two are getting along, now. Sort of."

Using the bubbly water as cover, Kairi stated, "Before that fight, I didn't know my body was so durable. I guess I should thank you for helping me discover my hidden potential."

Larxene huffed before admitting, "Eh, you're not half bad, I guess. I expected a lot worse. You are, however, a total pain in my ass. But…you're the good kind of pain in my ass."

Kairi smiled. "That's really sweet, Larxene."

"Whatever, dildo—go get me another drink."

From outside the hot tub, Crash's agent, Gex, stood up and volunteered, "Don't worry, I got it."

Crash commended his noticeably bored agent, "Good lookin' out, Gex, old boy!"

Bringing Larxene another Ultimecia Lite Beer, Gex perked up and asked, "Say, Crash. You never told me why you were so on edge back at the autograph signing."

Being whisked back to the source of his trauma, Crash groaned, "Oh, yeah—THAT!"

Okay, guys. The story's over. There is nothing else important happening for the remainder of this document. Really. I mean it. The following exchange entails a royal ass-load of gossip, courtesy of the voices in the author's head. And I'm talking, like, an embarrassment of chitchat that has nothing to do with the plot, mostly. I'm serious. The story's done. Go on with your day.

And you're still here. These characters don't always say important stuff, yet somehow, their full conversation is fully documented here. For what purpose? Who flipping knows. I'll tell ya one thing. The voices in the author's head don't need a reason, apparently. So, uh, yeah. Welp, here ya go.

So, then Reno asked, "S'matter? You witnessed a murder, or something?"

"Close. I accidentally walked in on my sister doing nude aerobics at her studio. I almost went blind."

There was a string of stunned echoes among the other hot tub users. The last to speak, Sora said, "Oh, wow."

"Is she hot?" Reno asked.

"Oy, you yack-sack!" Crash hesitated. "Hmm…also I'm not sure."

Reno's voice filled up the narrow hallway of Destiny Dormitory's top floor. Laughing, he shouted, "What? No way! What she look like?"

Defensively, Crash retorted, "Buzz off, dude! I'm not gonna tell you how hot my sister is!"

Sora piped up, "C'mon, he was only kidding. But still, handsome devil like you must know a thing or two about girls. Just tell us, what's her level of hotness? Give us a ballpark."

"You know what. It's best you know nothing about her—"

Larxene was searching something on her cellphone. Excitedly, she asked, "Wait, your sister's name is Coco, right? Isn't she an entrepreneur…?"

"Oh, no, no, no—don't search that!"

Ignoring Crash's protest, Larxene showed off a flattering picture of Crash's blood relative; earning some oos and aws, the picture displayed a bikini-wearing furry posing on the cover of a motorcycle magazine.

"Nice," said Reno.

"I'd hit that," said Kairi.

"Pretty sure I have that issue," said Sora.

Crash wept. "I used to love reading Bikes N' Babes until she ruined it! Tan me gizzard, I need another beer." Crash looked around in confusion. "Wait, where's Gex?"

"He's down the hall," Reno answered, "trying not to be seen perving out over pictures of your smokin' hot blood-relative."

"I hate both Gex and my life right now," Crash admitted.

Unashamed, Sora informed everyone, "Hey, you know, I remember reading one of the articles in that magazine—"

Kairi, Reno, and Larxene all sucked their teeth at that remark.

"—And it said she's gotta pretty high IQ. Isn't she a genius, or something?"

"Yeah, tell me about it," said Crash. "Coco's been a right, smart aleck since…well, forever!"

"And it also said she knows martial arts," Sora reported.

Kairi scoffed. "What, do you have a photographic memory?"

"That's badass," Larxene commended. "So she's hot, smart, and liable to break someone's kneecaps? I think I wanna date her…"

Crash shook his head. "Strange thing is, I bet she'd actually appreciate all this objectification. No really, she'd get a kick out of it…"

Kairi drew her own cellphone, ready to do some internet sleuthing. She asked, "Isn't she dating someone from SEGA? Yeah, she's with that Sonic guy!"

"No. Freaking. Way," Reno said again. "You know, I once tried to get Sonic's autograph, but all he wrote was 'Go Eff Yourself, Knuckles.' Guy thought I was Knuckles!"

Larxene added, "Are you talking about that blue little ass-clown with the stupid-looking red shoes? I hate, hate, hate that guy. All he does is post pictures of the dumbest shit—like one time, he literally took a picture of a street turd wearing a dunce cap. He got a million likes on it. God, he's awful."

Crash revealed, "Yeah, me and Sonic used to be best pals until the numb-nuts started dating my sister. Now I hate his rotten guts."

Still reading a Wikipedia article from her phone, Kairi added, "Huh, she also dated Pac-Man, Yoshi, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, Middle-Aged Man from Sonic '06, Sly Cooper, Donkey Kong, Ratchet from Ratchet and Clank, the kid from Ape Escape, and Duke Nukem from Duke Nukem. Hey, Crash? Is your sister a whore?"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Crash shrieked. "Maybe you should've just invited Coco instead of me!"

Larxene addressed Kairi's query, "Hey, just 'cuz she dates a lot doesn't make her a whore. Trust me, I know the rules."

"Just sayin'! That's a lot of dongs to go through and not at least go down on them." Kairi's state of undress must have caused such bluntness.

Finally, Sora interjected, "Okay, before you get bandicoot-slapped, Kairi, it's important to note that most of those guys you just listed are stupid as bricks. If Coco's as smart as they say she is, she obviously just used them for notoriety."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Crash said, "Gosh, I really hope you're right, Spiky. Although she didn't start dating all those losers until after her fling with Sonic. I mean…I think he changed the poor girl…"

"That's. It!" Kairi suddenly shouted. "I have to get to the bottom of this! Crash, I say we go have a chitchat with your sister and determine how much of a whore she is!"

Laughing, Sora said, "Kairi, you gotta stop saying that word…"

Perturbed, Crash Bandicoot asked, "Why the heck is that even important?!"

"Because—!" Kairi almost stood up in the hot tub, quickly situating herself back down. She held out her hand towards Larxene, snapping her fingers whilst commanding, "My swimsuit. Give it back."

"Oh, you mean this?" Larxene threw that sucker down the hallway.

"Ugh." Kairi simply glared at Sora, who sighed.

"Don't worry, I'll get it."

Kairi continued her rant, "Because! I look up to Coco! And what better way to connect with my idol than through her awesome brother!"

"Well, I am pretty awesome," Crash marinated on this. "Ah, what the heck. Your being there might be able to ease the awkwardness of our next encounter."

Sora returned with both pieces to Kairi's swimsuit. "And just for the record, you've looked up to Coco for the past two minutes."

Kairi slipped back into her swimsuit, standing up with a wide grin. "So what do you say, Mister Bandicoot? Wanna go pay Coco a visit?"

Crash scratched the back of his mohawk. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but sure. Let's go see if my sister's a whore."

And so, they got dried off, dressed, and left Reno to attempt flirting with Larxene in the Cyber-Cuzzi.

Kairi told them, "Hey, I've got that thing rigged to explode if you two try any funny business while we're gone."

"Yeah, just make sure to move it away from my room before it blows up, please," Sora added, leading the way to the thirteenth floor's elevator.

"Roger, roger," said Reno. He turned to Larxene. "So, ya shop Diesel?"

Meanwhile, Sora had reached the elevator, pressing the button as he said, "So I'm guessing it's the 'genius intellect' part of Coco you idolize, correct?"

"Of course, it is," Kairi replied. "But being a supermodel who knows kung fu also helps."

"Well, I'd say you've got a majority of those down," Sora quipped.

"A majority?"

Crash chuckled; the elevator arrived, opening to reveal an empty carriage. Sora replied, "Well, yeah…you just got to show me a little more about yourself."

"Hmph," Kairi huffed, stepping into the elevator first. "And here, I thought I was making all the right points obvious. Tell me, Sora. What am I missing?"

After all three had ventured into the elevator and chose the base floor, Crash faux-panicked, "Uh, oh, Sora! It's a trap! Just get out of there!"

Rebellious as ever, Sora replied, "First, I gotta ask—what do you think you're missing?"

Kairi scoffed. "You're cheating."

"What? I'm just kidding! You got it all, dumbass!" Sora said that.

The elevator doors had long since closed, prompting the carriage to slowly descend downward. Meanwhile, Kairi had lurched at Sora, delivering a sharp jab to the arm. That's when Sora asked, "Hey, you think we have time for a smoothie?"

"Geez, Sora, whaddya eat all day?" Kairi countered.

"I eat what's necessary to survive," Sora answered, crossing his arms. "Like smoothies."

"Sounds like junk food. I'm surprised you don't go broke or even out of shape."

"No kidding." Sora pat down his belly. "It seems to be doing the trick, though. Besides, you don't see me grilling you about your secret lifestyle."

"What secret lifestyle?" Kairi began to look paranoid.

"The life you have outside Square Enix Headquarters. Face it, you're just as famous as I am in those other worlds.

"Especially my world," Crash jumped in, speaking of Activision.

Kairi shrugged. "Okay, so I got in a little trouble off the radar. Big whoop! I practically do it in my sleep…"

"Well, while you're out adventuring you could at least tell me which worlds have the best smoothies. And pizza. And burgers. And fries. And Nachos—"

Crash interjected. "Damn. Now I'm hungry.'

"Smoothie Shop's probably closed, anyway," Kairi surmised.

Checking his phone, Sora replied, "Nope. We've got fifteen minutes."

"What else do they sell there, besides smoothies?" Crash asked. "Or was that a dumb question?"

"Not too dumb," Sora said. "They do sell protein shakes, candy bars, and even pretzels."

"I'll take a little diddy of pretzels," said Crash.

The elevator stopped at the first floor, letting out its passengers into a semi active common area. The presence of numerous people caused Crash to don a pair of shades in order to better disguise his celebrity status.

As they made for the exit of Destiny Dormitory, Kairi brought up the fact that Larxene almost killed her that day.

"Multiple times. I don't even know what happens when I die. Like, do I respawn or do I glitch out?"

"Did you forget what happened in Capcom World? You and I faded out of consciousness and then revived immediately afterward. I imagine it's like that." Kairi still didn't seem convinced, so Sora nudged her on the way out the door, saying, "Cheer up. Not every world has tried to kill you. There's always good ole Squeenix."

"Hm, right. And for your information, I've gone to a number of worlds and returned without incident."

"You even remember which ones?" Sora asked.

"Yeah, of course I do. I've been to SEGA, Insomniac, Sony Santa Monica, Nintendo for like a week, and even From Software."

On their way through the courtyard, which shined from the afternoon sun, Sora retaliated, "Sounds like you're bragging. Not to put you to shame but I've also been to Insomniac and From Software. And let's not forget about Titanfall in Bluepoint, Bethesda, Team Ninja, 2K Games, Bandai Namco, and even Capcom."

Kairi retorted, "Proud of yourself? For knowing how to sneak off without Square knowing about it?"

"Yeah, actually," said Sora. "Remember when I said we should go to different worlds, discovering new smoothies? Come with me for once. We'll pick a nice and hot day on New Zack Island."

"New Zack?" Kairi repeated. "Hm, I'll think about it."

Excited for Sora, Crash pointed out, "Hey that doesn't mean 'no!' You almost gotta a date, kiddo!"

"What? It' s not a date!" said a reddening Sora. "It's more like an ice cream reconnaissance mission, starring just the two of us."

Kairi chirped, "Oh, so now we're looking for ice cream, too?"

"Or smoothies. Whatever boats your float."

Crash admitted, "I can go for a root beer float right about now."

"They actually sell those, right next door from the Smoothie Shop," Sora informed. "At a place called Ice Cream Shop."

"The city planner wasn't very creative," Kairi noted.

As they approached the town square where most of the food vendors were located, Crash added, "As long as I get something cold in my system, I couldn't care less if the place was called 'Bandicoot Fur Coats.'"

Tapping his chin, Sora said, "Ya know, I could use a new coat." After receiving a disturbed stare from Crash, Sora clarified, "Not one that's fur, of course! Just one that fits a gritty 'pirate look.' Next time we go to Jack's world in KH3, I wanna look like an actual pirate."

Kairi quipped, "Pirates steal booty. Whose booty you gonna steal, Sora?"

"Oh, just the booty of a noblewoman who's basically begging to get plundered and pillaged of all her possessions including her arsenal of undergarments." Sora narrowed his gaze with a smirk. "You know anybody like that?"

Right outside the smoothie shop, Sora opened the door for Kairi before handing it off to Crash and then saying, "A true pirate lets the treasure come to him."

"Oh, boy—you need to write a book," Crash murmured.

Kairi said, "Well, pick a smoothie. I'm buying."

Initially taken aback, Sora asked, "What do you mean you're buying?"

"We both know you're still looking for a job. Just cut yourself some slack and let me handle it."

"Well, when you put it like that—blackberry, please and thanks."

Crash intervened, "Don't be silly! I've got the bill." He asked the youngster behind the counter, "You guys take gold coins, right?"

"We sure do," said Hayner, the leader of the Twilight Town gang and store team member of the Smoothie Shop. "Hey, wait a minute, aren't you Crash Bandicoot?"

Lifting his sunglasses, Crash answered, "In the furry flesh!"

"You gotta let me get a selfie!" Hayner begged, hopping over the counter to greet them.

"Nice to see you, too, Hayner," Kairi droned.

Taking said selfie with the smoothie clerk, Crash requested, "Now you gotta promise me you'll post that after I leave here. I don't wish to get swarmed by excited fans just yet. Capishe?"

"Sure thing, Mister Bandicoot!" said Hayner.

Suddenly, Sora called from next to the register, "Hey! We need some service over here!"

"Yeah, move it, or lose it!" Kairi echoed.

Whilst taking multiple selfies, Hayner commented, "I don't know how you ended up here with these guys but look me up sometime! I'm The-Hayner-Trainer on Kupo+, Capchat, and Kweh, all low caps except the beginnings of each word."

"Yeah, no promises kid," Crash muttered.

Once Hayner returned to his occupational duties, Sora and Kairi cried, "Finally!"

Crash butted in, "I'll take a Wumpa Fruit flavor smoothie."

"Sorry, we don't carry Wumpa Fruit," Hayner said.

"That's just plain foul," said Crash. "Oh, well. How 'bout mango?"

"We have mango," Hayner said, preparing the bandicoot's smoothie.

"Hey, I thought you wanted ice cream from next door," Sora remarked.

Crash said, "Changed my mind. I'm lactose intolerant."

"Blackberry and lemon for us, please," Kairi ordered with a smile.

"Comin' up."

"You actually like the lemon here?" Sora questioned.

"What, you don't?" Kairi countered.

"Lemons deserve a slush-like texture that smoothies just don't bring to the table." Sora checked his phone. "We better get to my Gummi ship before they start patrolling—and before Hayner posts those pictures—yeah, we see you doing that, by the way!"

Hiding his phone, Hayner hissed, "Hey, screw you, Sora!"

Kairi pestered, "Will you just hand over our drinks already?"

"Comin' up," said Hayner, annoyed.

"Guy must be wetting his pants because he's never seen a walking-talking bandicoot," Sora accurately surmised.

"I said, 'Comin' up!'" Hayner repeated.

"Hayner's wet every time I see this guy," Kairi recalled. "He's either drooling, sweating, pissing, or even—"

"Freaking shut up!" shouted Hayner.

"Jizzing, she was gonna say jizzing," Sora replied. "And watch your tone, or else we'll add bleeding to that list, ahem…" Sora paused for dramatic effect. "…numb-nuts."

"Screw you, Sora!" Hayner said again. "At least I'm not fumblin' around, crying all the time like some sap, bitch, punk!"

Sora practically snatched Kairi up in the air, holding her body before him to showboat whilst hurling the following, "Hold it! That's called being sensitive, and as you can see from Exhibit-A here, it gets wenches!"

Hayner practically threw their drinks at them. "Whatever, ya Moogle-bopper. Take your drinks and get lost! Oh, and nice meeting you Mister Bandicoot!"

"Stay in school, kid," Crash said, leading the way back to the outside world.

"Patrols start soon," Kairi pointed out. "We'd better not get caught after curfew, or else they'll exile you, Sora."

Sora agreed, "Believe me, I do not wanna have to deal with Squeeny's fuzz. Let's haul ass!"

"Hauling ass," Crash echoed. "But wait—why would they exile someone from their own world?"

"That's a long story, Crash," Kairi chimed. "So long, you might think we're yanking your tail."

"I ain't got no tail!" Crash exclaimed.

Sora interjected, "In that case, I got in heaps of trouble when I started a war between Square Enix and loads of other game devs. I think that was the same day the milk in my fridge expired."

Kairi cut him off, "Ugh, no one wants to hear that! Tell him about the work you did with that little tiger-guy and his robot lunchbox."

"Oh, yeah! So, I needed work after the whole 'Everyone Wants to Kill Me' incident, and luckily, a guy named Ratchet had intel about a renewable resource just being discovered in another world. Then, we picked up a guy named Jak and went guns blazin'—"

"Whoa, whoa—you know Jak?" Crash asked.

"That's right, you two are from the same world. Yeah, we've been fighting space pirates all week. I think they're tryna beat my high score!"

Kairi asked, "Should we tell him what the new resource turned out to be?"

Sora shook his head, "Nah. I'm sure he already knows."

Shrugging, Crash said, "If it's anything like Jak told me, there used to be an endless amount of these things?"

"Yeah," said Sora. "Used—"

"Used to be," said Kairi. "But now, they're saying it grows in hotter climates, so maybe we'll find more on our island."

Sora pondered aloud, "I'm still not sure if I should sell 'em or hog 'em all to myself once we find more Paopu Fruit."

"Paopu, eh?" Crash repeated. "I hope it tastes better than it sounds…"

"Eh, it's gotta kick to it," Sora revealed. "Also, don't tell anyone we've tried it yet—it's like, way against the rules."

"Copy that," said Kairi.

Crash took note of something. "Sheesh, the two of you live under a boatload of someone else's authority. Ever thought about moving out?"

"Yes, all the time!" Kairi nearly shrieked. "It's only because we're still teenagers in our latest game that we can't enjoy the privilege of seeing new worlds!"

"Again, I don't mean to brag…" Sora almost bragged.

"Yeah, I know you've snuck out, but I'm talking about going off on our own because we can, because that's what we want to do!"

Sora shrugged. "I'm still not seeing the difference. Maybe it's different for you. I just know I can't stay chained up in a place that won't even let me use swear words."

They reached the entrance of the parking garage, moving quickly to the stairwell.

Crash inquired, "Are you sure? 'Cuz I've heard you swear like a sailor up until now."

Kairi demonstrated, "He can still say some words, like ass and bitch, but he can't say (expletive) or (expletive)."

"Wow," said Crash.

They entered the stairwell, venturing upward as Sora elaborated, "If I use up all my censor bleeps, I'm told I get robbed of all my Potions and Hi-Potions. Happened to me once. It would've sucked if I didn't use Elixirs like a real man."

"Oh, speaking of items!" Kairi suddenly recalled.

"Oh, here we go," Sora seemed to be dreading this point.

"Gimme some Elixirs!" Kairi not-so-politely requested.

"You have got to start slinging your own," said Sora extracting a couple of healing items from his left pouch.

"Don't worry about me. You're protecting precious goods with these!" Kairi more-or-less thanked.

Sora led the way out onto the second floor, where Sora's Gummi ship, the Highwind sat parked across the garage.

Crash asked, "We're just going to my sister's house, right? I don't need to worry about you disturbing the peace, do I?"

Sora laughed out loud. "Oh, Crash. You're not used to riding with us, are you?"

Kairi assumed, "I know you heard us talking about breaking the rules, almost getting exiled, starting a war, destroying a shopping mall—hey, you were there for that last one!"

"Okay, yeah—but what are the odds of us getting there without incident?"

Sora and Kairi went into thinking mode, saying, "Well…"

That's when Crash came to his senses and said, "Aw, who am I kiddin'? I can't even eat breakfast without explosions in my pancakes."

"That's the spirit," Sora chimed, smirking. "Hey, maybe Coco will show us some karate moves before we go!"

"You'll likely get to see them the moment our eyes meet," Crash visibly dreaded. "She's one hot-tempered little Peruvian Puff-Pepper, I tell ya."

They reached the Gummi ship; commanding the latch to open, Sora hopped up and gave Kairi a hand, also allowing Crash onboard.

Keying in on his GPS, Sora clarified, "Activision, right?"

"That's the place," said Crash.

Kairi found out she could adjust and move her seat to any location of the cabin, therefore she began spinning in place. "Tell me this thing has warp speed!"

Sora chastised, "Hey, knock it off! You'll throw off my missile-lock."

"Pfft! This thing doesn't have missiles," Kairi assumed.

"Does to! I'm packin' enough heat for the whole family. And their ugly pets, too." The Highwind buzzed to life; steering his way out of the parking garage, Sora added, "I'll try not to kill anything."

Kairi stated, "I can't believe I'm going back to Activision! I'm probably wanted at four stars over there! Scratch that—five! Those fascist animals are probably gonna blame me!"

"Which is why we need only worry about getting to Coco's place, asking if she's a slut-bucket, and getting the heck out!" Sora analyzed.

Watching as their aircraft zoomed across the courtyard, Crash bemoaned, "You two are going to get me skinned…"

"Lighten up!" said Kairi. "At least you got to sit in a jacuzzi before you died."

"That just reminded me. We left Reno and Larxene in the Cyber-Cuzzi," said Sora. "You might have to return that thing if they get busy in it."

"Don't worry! I had it timed to explode about…ten minutes ago," said Kairi.

"Wait, you weren't kidding? You actually had it blow up?" Sora asked.

"Oh! Did I say explode? I meant transform back into a suitcase. Sorry. Been having lots of explosions on my mind, lately."

Sora cocked an eyebrow. "So, somewhere on the thirteenth floor of Destiny Dormitory, there's a suitcase with two mutilated bodies nearby?"

"Aha, but I already thought of that," Kairi revealed. "My Cyber—I mean, our Cyber-Cuzzi gives a ten-second countdown before transforming into suitcase mode. So, there's a good chance they made it out alive. And also a high chance there's water everywhere. Crap…. Besides, Reno knows to guard it with his life if Larxene tries to steal it."

"Freakin' Reno?! You want me to trust freakin' Reno with protecting my brand new Cyber-Cuzzi?" Sora considered turning back around.

"Ugh, fine, I'll text him," Kairi relented.

"And call him numb-nuts, but don't say it's from me," Sora added. "Ah, screw it. Say it's from me."

Kairi finished typing her message, "…put the hot tub in my room, please. Sora says, 'numb-nuts.'"

"Thank you," said Sora, smiling warmly.

As the Gummi ship began departing from Squeenix HQ's atmosphere, Crash asked, "On a different note, do you think those Activision cops recognized you, Kairi?"

"What, you mean from my game? No, I don't think they figured out that part," Kairi assumed.

Sora stated, "We'll be on the lookout for wanted posters. Meanwhile, you could tell us the address just so we're not flying around their radar."

Crash replied, "You're gonna wanna hit Ninth Street in the Kazoo District and find the High Rise, where all the evil, rich people live. Oh, and my sister."

"Hey, if she's evil, maybe we can get a solid fight in!" said Sora. Receiving an annoyed look from Kairi, he added, "What? I'm getting rusty."

Kairi chuckled. "Sucks for you. My fight with Larxene really, really hit the spot."

"I remember the last time I fought Larxene," Sora recalled. "That was a really good waste of Ethers."

Kairi's phone notified her of a new message. "Oh, Reno texted me back. He says drop dead and the hot tub's in his closet. "

"Oh, good. What a numbnuts." Sora said that.

There was a brief awkward silence. Then, Kairi interrogated, "Why do you still hate Reno, Sora?"

"I do not hate Reno," Sora responded. "I just think he should watch how much he drinks."

"Oh, come on. That party was months ago. I'm sure he didn't mean to get personal…"

"He called me the Prince of Stupid! Me! C'mon, everyone knows I should've slugged him!"

"And it's good that you didn't," Kairi noted. "Besides, it was kind of funny when he called Riku the Prince of Blindfolds and Roxas the Prince of Memory Loss."

"Agree to disagree. But boy, what I wouldn't give to slug Reno. Or Rude, for that matter…"

Kairi declared, "You're really about to bring him up?"

"Hm. No, not really. But…have you seen him get punched lately?"

Kairi giggled. "No, not since Capcom World."

She moved her seat alongside Sora's pilot chair, leaning on his shoulder with a tight squeeze.

She asked, "Remember what we did after Capcom World?"

Sora smirked, saying, "I vaguely recall something simple, but not so clean…"

Just as Kairi commenced a series of playful pinching, Crash piped up, "Um, off-topic question—how many years young are you two again?"

Kairi gave her usual answer, "Mentally, we're legal and responsible."

Crash scoffed. "I tell myself that every day, ya know."

Sora cruised through outer space, venturing further away from the world of Square Enix Headquarters. Following some signs that pointed them towards the Lanes Between, Sora added, "Well, people tell me I act like a grown-up who acts like a child, so that still makes me legal, mentally."

Curious, Crash asked, "So, when do you get the opportunity to age, so to speak?"

Kairi answered, "Well, let's see, if we don't die in the story of Kingdom Hearts III, our game devs might just let us finish puberty."

Sora chuckled. "If we do end up aging, I'm definitely gonna miss the trouble my current body brings."

"I highly doubt you'll miss out on any troublemaking, whether you're an old man or a widdle boy," Kairi said that.

"Hmph." Suddenly, Sora asked, "Hey have you decided on a Halloween outfit, yet?"

"Are you talkin' about one for Halloween Town, or Halloween itself?" Kairi asked.

"I highly doubt we're doing Halloween Town again. No, the actual day."

"Oh, that's easy. I'm gonna be Morrigan Aensland."

Sora thought about that for a second. "You're gonna be a Scottish Boob Lady?"

"Pretty sure there's a different name for it…" Kairi shrugged. "I was thinking about going to a Halloween party this year."

"So? You go to one every year."

"Yeah, but Selphie and I were talking about throwing one without Square Enix's supervision…or permission. That means I get to wear something a lot more revealing than that witch outfit they gave me." Sora laughed out loud, prompting Kairi to ask, "What' so funny?"

Sora stifled his laughter, "It's just that those game devs are so worried about finishing Kingdom Hearts III, and here you are trying to pick out a slutty Halloween costume. It's so wrong, it's right!"

"Yeah, well, I'm not losing sleep. Every single time we disobey their rules, suddenly they have all these new ideas for KH III. It's almost like we're making the game ourselves."

"Hmph…" Sora figured now was a good time to touch upon the following. "I bet those bigwigs are talking about making Riku the new protagonist."

"They are," Kairi responded, caressing Sora's arm. "And you know what that means…"

Sora rode in silence for a moment before answering, "Yeah…they wanna make you and him a couple for KH III. But…that's just the story mode."

"Still, that could alter our entire lives."

"…Hm. Guess it was nice knowin' ya."

"—Hey…!"

Sora passed up a sign that read Disney Company Outlet Mall Next Right. Thoughtfully, he reflected, "I can't imagine Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie will be affected. Maybe I'll go hang out with them after my next game screws me over."

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Don't forget: Wakka's slow, Tidus is a loudmouth, and no one can stand Selphie. Oh wait, you might actually fit in!"

"Yeah, fitting in…call it my gift," said Sora. "What I need to do is make munny off of fitting in. Sorta like, getting paid to show up to places."

"Is that really how your brain works? Do the minimal effort possible and hope to be compensated?"

"Yes—and I want a gold medal for it."

"Aw," Kairi said for some reason.

"Aw, what?" Sora asked.

"Now I'm wishing I gave you something like that instead of a hot tub." Somehow, Kairi triggered a hidden function that allowed their seats to meld together, forming one long pilot's loveseat.

"What the—?" Sora didn't know about that function.

Kairi didn't skip a beat. "You deserve much more than an 'F' on your exam, especially after all you've done for everyone. Just saying—Yen Sid's kind of a douche."

"Never mind the Mark of Mastery. Even Terra thinks it's a waste of time. When I first heard about it, I thought they were gonna torch me with a branding iron. Now, I'm starting to think I'd prefer that."

Kairi pinched him extra hard.

Swerving a bit, Sora yelped, "Ow! Are you crazy?"

Rolling up the sleeve on Sora's jacket, Kairi replied, "I got your Mark of Mastery, right here."

Suddenly, they heard a low snoring behind them. Crash wasn't even faking. He was passed out asleep.

Kairi felt a shiver up her spine. Finally, she noticed, "We've been talking for a long time."

Sora boasted, "I was planning on talking myself to death."

Behold, she leaned in to plant a kiss on his cheek. However, Sora turned to face her before the kiss landed, resulting in a mutual lull to observe their new proximity.

Sora was totally going to go for it, but an extra loud snore from Crash wiped the moment. After reaching the world of Activision, Sora followed Crash's instructions to Ninth Street in the Kazoo District. He and Kairi enjoyed the various sights and sounds of another living, breathing city that was quite different from Square Enix.

Just as Sora located visitor parking for the High Rise, Crash woke up screaming, "WHOA! Trademarked."

"Everything okay?" Sora asked.

"Sure, just had a night terror that may or may not have involved a psychotic sibling of mine." Crash also noticed, "And I see you two are taking it steady."

Sora parked the Highwind, allowing everyone to disembark and travel along a cobblestone path.

Kairi suggested, "We should see if they have mini-golf here."

Crash led the way up a staircase affixed to the apartment complex, replying, "One act of mass vandalism at a time, lass."

Sora reminded, "Don't forget public intoxication, if I have anything to say about it."

They'd ventured to the third floor, where Crash stopped in front of Coco's door. Slapping his face, the bandicoot moaned, "I'm havin' second thoughts about this, guys."

Sora stepped past Crash and rattled on the door, saying, "Don't be nervous. It's just your sis."

They heard footsteps beyond the closed door, prompting Crash to jump behind Kairi and whimper, "Oh, God—I don't wanna do this anymore!"

"It's gonna be fine, Crash!" Kairi assured with a smile. "Remember, this is more about us than it is about you!"

The door opened to reveal a blonde female bandicoot (bandicootess) clutching a glass of wine in one hand and a socket wrench in the other. Looking as agitated as her brother, she said, "'Bout time you showed up."

"'Bout time you threw some damn clothes on," Crash overdosed on the sass.

Indeed, Coco was fully-clothed in jeans and a white T. Short on patience, she growled, "You did NOT have to run away screaming like a little girl!"

Crash crossed his arms, saying with a righteous tone, "I had no other choice."

"Drama Queen." Then, Coco addressed Sora and Kairi, "Who are your new friends, bro?"

"I'm Sora!" Sora shouted unnecessarily.

"And Kairi!" Kairi also yelled her name.

Crash gave their quick backstories, starting with Kairi, "This one destroyed the mall today, and this one somehow knows Jak."

Staring Kairi deep in the eyes, Coco asked, "Wait, that was you?"

Kairi said, "Yeah, but the other girl started it. Kinda got my ass kicked, too."

Coco observed her visitors closely. Finally, she quietly asked, "Are you two holding my brother prisoner?"

Sora answered, "Um…no."

"No, we're here for a different reason. Well, two!" Kairi announced. "One, to make it less awkward on you and Crash, and two, to sit down and talk about the adventures of womanhood. I'm only fifteen and desperately in need of guidance."

Puzzled, Sora asked, "I thought you wanted to ask about her ex-boyfriends?"

"Goddammit, Sora," said Kairi.

Coco opened her door, welcoming them, "Either way, come in. You two seem reasonably down to earth."


-X-

Kairi and Coco connected on an emotional and intellectual level. And Sora was right about Coco using those men for fame and notoriety. To Crash's relief, Coco had only ever been intimate with Sonic, and weirdly enough, Bubsy the Cat when they were drunk for New Year's.

Sora and Kairi continued to have wacky adventures. They ignored most of their Kingdom Hearts III cutscene duties, hardly even aware that game was still in development.

Larxene and Reno started dating for a while. Their fling lasted two weeks. It ended when Larxene stabbed Reno in the pelvis with her kunai.

Crash later decided to start up a support group for men with oddly attractive sisters. The group sessions became so popular that they extended the category to "oddly attractive female relatives." That group got out of hand fast, so they cut it back down to just sisters.

Kermit the Frog got a new job at Overcrossfit University, working as the general manager for a protein shake vendor.

Kingdom Hearts III is still far off memory that's like a scattered dream.


-X-

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