Chapter 3: Willy Wonka vs. the Muffin Man

Setting: Everyone makes the journey home safely. Roy once again dons his pirate suit and now uses the sword that Author 2 (a.k.a. Rosie) gave him, either wisely or foolishly, we will never know. Now the date has come for the five to make the journey into the Chocolate Factory. (play the scary music. I said play the scary music[bangs radio with stick Thank you.)

Scar: (all of them except for Winry are standing outside the gates of Wonka's Chocolate factory, a large group gathered around them) I had to come again why?

Al: Because we had the ticket and Winry didn't want to come.

Scar: Why couldn't you just give it to one of the Authors?

Ed: They frighten me, especially the first one. (shudders and Scar rolls his eyes)

Roy: I like the second one. She's really nice! (waves his new sword around. Suddenly the crowd cheers as Wonka comes out)

Wonka: Welcome to my Chocolate Factory! Today you shall see many wonders that must never be discuss with the rest of the mortal world!

Ed: (raises hand) Oh! Oh! What if we tell our best friend!?

Wonka: No one must know! (his right eye is twitching as Ed hides behind Al. Wonka pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket and speaks to it) Note to self: Take medication on time.

Greed: (blinking underneath his sunglasses as he shields his eyes with his hand, gritting his teeth at every loud noise) You wouldn't happen to have a large bottle of aspirin on you would you?

Scar: You still have a hang-over?

Greed: Don't talk so loud.

Wonka: You all know each other?

Al: Yeah, after my older brother Ed ate all the candy in the grocery store he found all five of your tickets.

Wonka: (pulls tape recorder out again) Another note to self: Tell packaging not to put all five tickets in the same box.

Scar: Can we start this soon? I would like to end the pain as quickly as possible.

Wonka: Come! (gestures and the gates open to admit them) Onward into adventure we go! (Greed winces at the shouting as he holds his head in his hands. When they get inside Wonka leads them over to a large poster tied to the wall. On the poster is a contract that gradually gets smaller as it moved down) Okay, all I need you to do is sign the contract and we can move forward.

Ed: (runs forward and grabs a pen) Me first! Me first! Ummm… (writes really slowly) E-D-W-A-R-D… (pauses for a second as he thinks) E-L-R-I-C… (stands up proudly) Done! (his name takes up half the page and looks like a kindergartener wrote them)

Roy: Me next! Me next! (runs forward and rips the pen out of Ed's hand before pushing him away) Roy… Mustang… Done! (stands up as he finishes with a flourish to show a fancy signature with a horse drawn next to it)

Al: Oh, can I be next? (Wonka nods as Al hurries up to the contract and Roy hands him the pen) Alphonse Elric… Done! (stands up to show a somewhat messily scrawled signature)

Scar: (sounds sarcastic) Oh joy. I'm next. (slowly walks up and sighs his name before walking back)

Wonka: Is that all? (looks at Scar's signature)

Scar: Yeah.

Wonka: Okay… and you're the last! (points his cane at Greed who slowly walks up and grabs the pen)

Greed: This paper should be a little less bright… (winces at the brightness of it and signs the paper in spiky letters)

Al: Maybe you shouldn't have drunk a whole bottle of Captain Morgan and Bacardi when you were supposed to be keeping an eye out for Ed.

Greed: That bottle of Jack I drank was pretty good too.

Al: You had a bottle of whisky too!?

Greed: Don't yell.

Wonka: (claps hands) Okay, on to the next event! (walks off and everyone follows him. He stops when they come to a large door that is heavily locked) Now, what you are about to see is one of my largest secrets that must not be mentioned outside of this factory. (pulls a large set of keys out of his pocket and sorts through them until he finds a small golden one and then inserts it into a teeny tiny key hole right in the middle of the door. Then he turns it and all the locks click open as the door unlocks and opens, golden light pouring through the opening)

Ed: (eyes open wide) Whoa! (everyone shields their eyes except Wonka and Ed who watch as the door opens to reveal a large room filled with what would appear to be a large colorful jungle)

Wonka: This is the chocolate room! (gestures over to the large chocolate waterfall and Greed's eyes nearly pop out of his head) Everything in here is eatable!

Al: Eatable?

Wonka: Edible. Go! (everyone runs forward and starts eating except Al who just stands there) Why aren't you eating?

Al: Sorry… I can't eat. It's part of my… um… condition.

Wonka: Nonsense! Go eat! (pushes Al down the stairs and he wanders over to Greed who is eating what appears to be large Cocoa Puffs as he grabs them off a large tree)

Greed: (looks extremely excited) Look! They have Cocoa Puffs the size of my head growing on trees! On trees! Come here! (grabs Al and rips off his helmet before stuffing as many Cocoa Puffs in Al as he can. When Al is full he puts the helmet back on, it tilting to the side a bit as a Cocoa Puff is not completely tucked into his armor) Don't tell anybody. Shh. (puts a finger on his lips before eating as many of the Cocoa Puffs as he can. Meanwhile Ed and Roy are fighting over a giant gummy bear)

Ed: (pulls really hard) It's mine!

Roy: (pulls really hard) No! It's mine!

Ed: Yes!

Roy: No!

Ed: Yes!

Roy: No!

Ed: (baring his teeth) Mine!

Roy: (pirate hat nearly falling off) No!

Scar: (watching off to the side as he eats a piece of licorice) Sadly, I find this entertaining in the absence of my DDR. How sad. (after several more minutes of arguing Roy finally wins and Ed sits on the ground and cries as Roy eats the ear off the gummy bear)

Ed: Jerry, no! I thought we were friends!

Roy: Not anymore! Hee, hee.

Wonka: Now that you have all been hopped up on sugary sweets we can continue the tour. Come aboard the Wonka Express! (a large ferry appears out of a tunnel as Oompa Loompas walk over to the chocolate river and pour sugar and milk into it.)

Al: Whoa! What are those!? (they all run up to the bank and watch as the Oompa Loompas carry out their work)

Wonka: Oompa Loompas!

Greed: (watching Oompa Loompas with an evil grin on his face) Just think of all the places I could rob with these guys…

Scar: Oh boy. Here we go. (gets onto the ferry as everyone follows. The ferry travels down another tunnel and during the ride [I will not give graphic details Ed screamed for his 'mommy' repeatedly, Roy tried to take control of the ship but the pilot beat him back irritably, and Greed fell asleep)

Al: (poking Greed) Greed, wake up. We're here.

Greed: (slowly wakes up) Where is here?

Wonka: (stands up excitedly as he walked ashore) We're in the basement of Wonka Factory! This is Room #0023581! Come in! (door hisses open and smoke billows out)

Roy: Room #0023581… sounds fun. (everyone follows Wonka into the room and he walks over to a large machine covered in a various colored sheet that looked as though it had been stitched together from old bed sheets)

Wonka: This is the machine that makes… (goes silent for the effect as he leans against the machine)

Al: Makes what?

Wonka: Everlasting Gobstoppers! Small, bite-sized candies that last forever!

Roy: Oh! Can I have one! (starts jumping up and down like a little kid in a, well, candy store)

Wonka: Yes! You all get one! (turns machine on it and it starts making weird noises and a conveyor belt starts spitting out Everlasting Gobstoppers) Here you are. (hands one out to everyone and they put them in their mouths)

Greed: (raises hand) Mine's gone.

Wonka: (turns to him) What!?

Greed: (repeats slowly) Mine's gone.

Ed: (sucking away) Mine isn't.

Greed: Shut up. (Ed looks away angrily)

Wonka: (looks suspicious) Well, here you go. That one must have been defective. (Greed takes it and puts it in his mouth, Wonka pulling out his tape recorder) Once again, note to self: Double check the formula for the Everlasting Gobstoppers.

Greed: (raises hand) Mine's gone.

Wonka: WHAT!?

Greed: (repeats slowly) Mine's gone.

Wonka: You get ONE more! And only ONE! (slams one onto Greed's palm before walking away. When he is turned around Greed takes out the two in his mouth and puts them into his pocket with his third) This way please! (they walk into a shiny room where about a dozen geese are scattered against the wall, producing golden eggs continually)

Al: Oooo… what are these?

Wonka: These are the geese that lay the golden eggs! (Roy runs up to touch one but Wonka slaps him away) No touching. (Roy nurses his red hand as he looks at Wonka with a sour look on his face) Now the really interesting thing about these… (a large explosion shakes the building as the Oompa Loompas working in the room stand at attention) Damn it all! It's the Muffin Man!

Scar: The Muffin Man?

Wonka: Yes, the Muffin Man.

Scar: The one on Drury Lane?

Wonka: Yes! (turns and yells to Oompa Loompa) Captain! (Oompa Loompa walks forward) Ready all weapons. I want the Bottlecap Cannons at full power!

Oompa Loompa: Yes sir! Move out men! (all the Oompa Loompas march out of the room)

Al: Why is the Muffin Man attacking you? Certainly he has no grounds for attack. (Greed slips a golden egg into his vest)

Wonka: (looks serious) We are mortal enemies. We will not stop until the other is destroyed!

Scar: Okay… (Greed slips another golden egg into his vest)

Wonka: Come. (leads them to the command room where the Oompa Loompas are dressed in green suits with several strange looking things attached to their utility belts) We will watch from here.

Oompa Loompa: (runs up) We are ready, sir.

Wonka: Attack at will! Take no prisoners! And if they beg, offer them a cup of tea!

Oompa Loompa: (salutes) Yes, sir! (runs off)

Outside…

Oompa Loompa General: (talking into walkie talkie) Do we have clearance to attack?

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) Yes, we just got clearance. Fire at will General.

Oompa Loompa General: (yells at troops) You heard him. Fire! (Oompa Loompas fire into a crowd of Gingerbread Men and Muffins. The enemy fires back with their Blueberry Bazookas and Muffin Machine Guns. Several men fall dead as they are struck by projectiles) Send out the ground troops! (the gate opens and a bunch of troops run out to meet the Gingerbread Men and Muffins in mortal combat. Oompa Loompas fight with Nerd Rope Numb-Chucks while the opposition fight back with Muffin Machetes and Croissant Cutlasses. Many men fall as the Oompa Loompas continue their barrage with the Bottlecap Cannons and the Muffin Man's men launch F-Bombs into the crowd)

Oompa Loompas in the field: Frosting Bombs! Noooooo! (many die as frosting coats the area, strengthening the Gingerbread Men and Muffins)

Oompa Loompa troop: (runs up to General and salutes) Sir! We need to launch the Fizzy Gas!

Oompa Loompa General: (looks at the battlefield) Launch the Fizzy Gas!

Oompa Loompa at Bottlecap Cannon: But, sir! If we launch the Fizzy Gas half the troops will die!

Oompa Loompa General: That's a risk I'm willing to take. (Fizzy Gas spreads out over the battle field, no Gingerbread Man, Muffin, or Oompa Loompa spared. The remaining troops put on gas masks and continue to fight, the Oompa Loompas breaking out Chocolate Acid and Golden Egg Grenades)

Inside…

Scar: This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life, other than Ed and Roy. (Ed and Roy glare at him) How long do these usually last?

Wonka: The last one took several days, almost half my Oompa Loompas killed. (turns to communicator) Tell the General to ready the Licorice Laser.

Al: How far away is the Muffin Man's store?

Scar: Didn't we see it on our way in here? It's next door right? (Wonka remains silent)

Back Outside…

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) General, ready the Licorice Laser.

Oompa Loompa General: Roger that! Ready the Licorice Laser!

Oompa Loompa troop: Readying the Licorice Laser! Ready to fire in five minutes!

Oompa Loompa General: (speaking into walkie talkie) What are our coordinates?

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) The Muffin Man's store on Drury Lane. (then adds in a whisper) Basically next door.

Wonka: (over walkie talkie) What are you whispering about!? We're in the middle of a war here! Tell the General what you were instructed to tell! (General rolls his eyes as Wonka continues to scream over the walkie talkie for five whole minutes)

Oompa Loompa troop: Licorice Laser ready to fire, General!

Oompa Loompa General: Fire! (the laser fires at the Muffin Man's bakery but is nullified by a shield) Great Everlasting Gobstoppers! They've put up a shield! Alert Mr. Wonka of the new threat!

Back at Winry's house…

Winry: (lazily flipping through the channels when a news alert catches her eye) What the…

Anchorman: (Anchorman bears a resemblance to Ron Burgundy) Today on Drury Lane the two major factories, Wonka Chocolate Factory and the Muffin Man's Bakery, are in the middle of a large battle for control of the street. The winners of the Golden Ticket contest have yet to be released from Wonka's Chocolate Factory but police have been dispatched to the sight to help restore order.

Winry: OH MY GOD!! ED! AL! ROY! SCAR! And dare I say it, GREED! I'M COMING! (jumps off couch and runs out the door)

Aunt Pinako: (walks in and picks up the remote before turning off the TV) They always forget to turn off the TV. (shakes her head and walks back into the kitchen)

Back Outside Wonka Factory…

Oompa Loompa General: (speaking into walkie talkie) What is that cloud of dust that's heading straight for us?

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) I don't know, sir. The people are checking on it as we speak.

Oompa Loompa troop: Oh my god! Help us! (the sea of fighting peoples are thrown aside as Winry comes charging through wielding her trusty wrench)

Winry: Edward! Alphonse! Roy! Scar! Where are you!?

Oompa Loompa General: Attack her! (all the troops gang up on her but are no match for her anger)

Random Peoples Out On The Field: My leg! My leg! I can't feel my leg!

Inside…

Ed: (banging on the screen) Winry! Winry! We're here! Help us! We're being held hostage!

Greed: No we're not.

Ed: Winry! Winry! I'm here! Help me! I'm being held hostage! (Greed rolls his eyes. Now we are going to fast forward through the next few minutes of script because we (that is the Authors) would like to keep this piece PG-13. Back in the factory…)

Winry: (surrounded by an army of unconscious Oompa Loompas and Wonka is hiding underneath a desk) That'll show em!

Wonka: Don't hurt me! (cowers as Ed runs up to Winry and hugs her)

Ed: Winry! You came to save me! I LOVE YOU!

Winry: Ed… get off me… (tries to pry Ed off) Ed…

Roy: Ed and Winry sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage! (stops when Winry glares at him)

Elsewhere in the Factory...

Envy: (walking in the big 'eatable' room) Look at all this stuff! The Muffin Man will be pleased. (grabs a giant bag out of nowhere and begins to take one of everything)

Oompa Loompa: Excuse me Ma'am- (does a double take) uh... Sir, you are not one of the Golden Ticket Holders. You must leave the premises immediately at this very present moment.

Envy: Golden Ticket? I need no Golden Ticket! I do what I want! (looks at Cocoa Puff tree) Hrmmm... (drops the bag and wraps his arms around the tree)

Oompa Loompa: Sir? What are you doing?

Envy: (uproots Cocoa Puff tree) I will have use for this.

Oompa Looma: (gasps) How dare you hurt the Cocoa Puff Tree!?!?

Greed: (appears out of nowhere) Who said Cocoa Puffs? (eyes widen at the sight of Envy and the Cocoa Puff tree) How dare you defile the sacredness of the Cocoa Puff by touching it!

Envy: I'll be taking this tree and there's nothing you can do about it.

Greed: (pulls Golden Eggs along with several other oddities out of his vest) I'll trade you all of this for the tree.

Oompa Loompa: DEFILATION OF THE CONTRACT!!! WONKA MUST KNOW!!! (runs out of room)

Greed: Whatever... I signed under a false name, it doesn't matter.

Envy: (digging through all of the stuff Greed pullled out of his vest) No Everlasting Gobstoppers?

Greed: Oh! (pulls one out of his pocket) Here you go.

Envy: (moves to grab it, but Greed pulls it away) Hey what gives?

Greed: Give me the tree first.

Envy: Get it yourself, its right behind you anyway.

Greed: (frowns) Fine, I will. Catch! (throws Gobstopper across the room and turns around to get the tree)

Envy: (dives to catch the Gobstopper when Wonka bursts through the door followed by the Oopa Loompa who snitched, three other Oompa Loompas armed with Jelly-Bean Pistols, all the Golden Ticket holders, and Winry)

Wonka: What is the meaning of this?

Greed: I'm just making a business transaction.

Wonka: You defiled the contract! (waves rolled up piece of paper in Greed's direction)

Greed: Whatever, I didn't sign it. Do you see the name "Greed" anywhere on there?

Wonka: (whips out contract and studies it for a moment) Oh... my... god...

Scar: (reads over Wonka's shoulder) You put your name as "Willy Wonka"? Didn't you think that someone would easily... see... through... (looks at Wonka) Nevermind.

Wonka: ...

Greed: The contract is not legal to me so I can do whatever I please with the information and merchandise I stole... er... was given to me.

Envy: (stands, holding gobstopper up triumphantly) HAHAHAHA!!!!

Ed: Envy? What are you doing here? Did you win a Golden Ticket too? (shows off Golden Ticket)

Greed: He's here getting his ass kicked for touching the Sacred Cocoa Puff!! (leaps at Envy)

Envy: (waits for Greed to come within hitting distance, then sticks his foot out and kicks Greed in... well it hurt really bad so to speak) I'm outtie. See you losers later. (grabs bag full of Wonka's candy and jumps out a random window)

Roy: (waves happily) Bye-bye!!! Come back again soon!

Ed: (smacks Roy in the back of the head) Don't tell him that, he might actually do it.

Greed: (doubling over and groaning) That was a cheap shot...

Roy: (points and laughs) HAHA!!! Greed got kicked in the- (immediately silenced as Ed kicks Roy in the same spot, Roy falls to the ground, crying)

Ed: (laughing) Wow, that IS fun.

Greed: (recovers) ENVY, YOU SHALL DIE FOR THIS OFFENSE OF THE COCOA PUFF!!! (jumps out window after him)

Wonka: (to Oompa Loompa wielding Jelly Bean Pistols) After them both! They have valuable merchandise with them!! (Oompa Loompas exit through window)

Roy: (still sobbing) Ed kicked me!

Scar: Get over it.

Roy: (sniffs and stands up, mutters to himself) Don't worry Roy. You'll get your vengeance. (laughs and pets his sword)

Scar: Why are you talking in third person?

Ed: I don't get it, so Greed's really Willy Wonka?

Scar: (sarcasticly) Yes Ed, Greed is actually Willy Wonka. And you know what? Willy Wonka is Envy, and Envy is Greed.

Ed: I never would have guessed... (looks at Wonka) Wow Greed, you really let yourself go. I mean look at you! You must be eating like... 50 boxes of Cocoa Puffs a day! You even have a beer gut going there (pokes Wonka in the stomach), either that or you're pregnant... ( continues calling Wonka fat in other various ways)

Wonka: ... Ummmm (pulls out tape recorder) Once again, note to self, do not allow psychotic or retarded people in factory and double... no... triple check contract after signing... and remind Jeff to pick up that Atkins book...

Ed: (continueing) Your cholesterol is probably through the roof! Its a wonder you can even walk! But that Willy Wonka, He's a fox! I don't know how he does it. It must be the girlish figure and the girl's clothes he wears thats so appealing. I mean that tight shirt shows off his muscles so perfectly and-

Scar: (everyone is staring at Ed) ...uh... Ed, I was only joking... that seriously is Envy you're talking about.

Ed: (sweatdrops) ... what?

Roy: (giggles) Ed and Envy sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes- (Ed leaps to attack Roy, Roy screams like a girl)

Winry: (hits Ed in the head with her wrench) You sick freak, Ed!

Ed: Winry, what was that for? I was only joking!

Winry: You didn't have to say it so well...

Ed: I was only trying to make "the so called Greed" jealous (glares at Scar)

Scar: (turns to Wonka) So... you and The Muffin Man are mortal enemies?

Wonka: Yes. That is correct.

Scar: And you'd do anything to get rid of him?

Wonka: Yes.

Scar: Anything?

Wonka: Yes...

Scar: (in Michael Jackson tone) Anything?

Wonka: (backing away slowly) uh... Yes?

Scar: (holds out hand) Give me fifty bucks and I'll kill him.

Ed: What do you need fifty dollars for?

Scar: None of your business.

Roy: Is it mine?

Scar: No.

Winry: (waves wrench threateningly in Scar's direction) Tell us.

Scar: You forget. I have the favor of Author 1, you cannot harm me. But I shall tell you anyway. (pauses for dramatic effect)

Ed: (everyone waits intently, expecting something of great importance) Well? Spit it out!

Scar: There's a new DDR game coming out. I want it.

Roy: That was it? You'll kill the Muffin Man just for a DDR game?

Scar: Yes I would.

Roy: (thinks for a moment) I'll kill him too! (looks at Wonka) Will you give me a pirate ship if I kill him?

Scar: Too bad! I called it first!

Roy: I didn't hear you call it.

Scar: I will now take this time to to call killing the Muffin Man (takes a moment to take in a deep breath) ... (shouts in an extremely loud voice) I CALL DIBS ON KILLING THE MUFFIN MAAAAAAAAAN!!!

Roy: Not if I kill him first! (jumps out window)

Scar: COME BACK HERE!!! (follows Roy)

Al: So who do you think will get there first?

Ed: I bet you 50 dollars that Roy gets there first, and another fifty that Scar is the one to kill him.

Winry: I bet you all 500 that Greed will be the one to get there first AND kill him.

Al: Greed?

(a group of Oompa Loompas enter)

Lead Oompa Loompa: You're all wrong. We counter your 500 with Scar being the one to get there first and kill him.

Ed: Hrmmm... I don't know if I can meet those odds... (pulls out some money and counts on his fingers) 3...6...2... ummm... 8... WHEE!!! I have enough! You're on!

Wonka: You people are insane. (pulls out tape recorder) note to self, remember not to feed my cat Bootsy, for she has already eaten and might throw up.

On the Way to the Muffin Man's Bakery

Envy: (Envy and Greed are fighting each other... to the death!) HA! Rock beats scissors!

Greed: Damn! How about best 2 out of 3?

Envy: Fine... do you really want to avenge your Cocoa Puffs that badly?

Greed: The word sounds vile coming from your mouth! Ready? 1 2 3!

(they show each other what they picked)

Envy: HA! Rock beats scissors!

Greed: Damn! 3 out of 5?

Envy: Whatever, you know I'm going to win.

Greed: 1 2 3! HAHA! I win!

Envy:What the hell is that?

Greed:Its a bomb!

Envy: How is that a bomb?

Greed: My thumb's the fuse, see?

Envy: Thats not a real move, thats cheating!

Roy: (runs by waving his pirate sword around) I'LL BEAT YOU THERE SCAR!! I WILL WIN THE PRIZE OF WHATEVER I WANT FOR KILLING THE MUFFIN MAN!!!

Greed: Whatever I want... (grins and punches Envy in the face, Envy falls to the ground, clutching his nose) Well, thats all the time for fighting... oh... my mistake, beating you thoroughly, that I have for today. (sticks his foot out and trips Roy, then runs off in the direction of the Muffin Man's Bakery.

Scar: (runs up and looks around to see Envy and Roy lying on the ground.) What happened here?

Roy: Greed... He... he... HE TRIPPED ME AND I SKINNED MY KNEE!!! (bursts into tears)

Envy: (sits up and rubs his nose) Hey Scar, whats your opinion on using a bomb in Rock Paper Scissors?

Hours later, back in the factory...

Winry: Okay, pay up!

Roy: (pouts) But I wanted a pirate ship...

Scar: Maybe I can mooch off Winry...

Lead Oompa Loompa: (sighs) Come on guys, we lost. (all 3 Oompa Loompas hand over 500 each)

Ed: Oh come on Winry, can't you let up on me?

Winry: Its your fault for gambling, now hand it over. (Ed gives her a piece of paper) Ed... this is just a peice of paper with 500 and a dollar sign written on it.

Ed: ... no its not.

Wonka: Okay Greed, what do you want as a reward?

Greed: (grins evilly) I want all of your Cocoa Puff trees.

Wonka: All?!

Greed: You're right, thats unfair. All but one.

Wonka: B-but my Cocoa Puff sales will be almost null!

Greed: Too bad, you said you'd do anything for the death of the Muffin Man! Now hand them over!

Wonka: (sighs) Fine, take your pick of trees.

Greed: (darts off through the factory) WHEEE!!!!

Scar: Hey Winry, guess what?

Winry: What?

Scar: Well... my birthday is coming up soon so...

Winry: I'm not getting you that game for your birthday. And I know for a fact your birthday was about a month ago.

Scar: Damn!