Seasons


IV: Summer


You wake up and realize you don't know what month it is.

The sun is hot and bright and you're shirtless before 9 AM- herding a couple hundred headstrong Ordon goats from pasture to pasture is no light work. Epona tosses her head, shifting beneath you as a couple of your herding dogs gather to sit in the shade she provides. They pant as you watch them, tails sweeping across the cropped grass a few times when they notice.

The air is still and hazy. Far in the distance, towards the Eldin mountains, you see thunderheads brewing.

A goat trots past you and bleats, and you spur Epona into motion once more.

Aryll brings you lunch when the sun reaches the peak of the sky, and you reach for the water bottle she holds out before you say a word. "You're welcome!" She mock-pouts at you. You grab her with one arm and drag her into a damp, sweaty hug, ignoring her shrieks as you finish chugging the water. Only then do you let her go, and she immediately moves out of your reach, laughing.

"Big brother, that was disgusting!" she complains, swatting you on the shoulder when the two of you settle into the shade of the nearest tree. "See if I bring you lunch for the rest of the week!"

You shrug, eyes on the dark clouds hovering ominously along the horizon. "The house is only ten minutes away at a trot, Aryll, you just don't like eating in the kitchen with the rest of the sweaty farm workers." You raise an eyebrow halfheartedly at her. "What, buff shirtless guys not doing it for you nowadays?"

"Green!" she screeches, and your lips quirk the slightest bit as you dig in to your meal.

The silence is comfortable until Aryll starts fidgeting in that way that means she has something to say and you're nearly guaranteed to not like it. You sigh, put down the uneaten half of sandwich and fix her with (what you hope is) an unimpressed stare. "Just spit it out already," you grumble, and she tugs at her hair.

"Blue is here, and he has friends over," she says slowly, and pauses. You shrug- what Blue does with his time is none of your business, even if he has been making little overtures of reconciliation over the weeks you've been back from school. You haven't been spurning them outright, but you haven't been able to stay in the same room as him for longer than ten minutes at a time either. "Sorry, I said that wrong," Aryll backtracks, catching your attention once more. "Blue has his boyfriend and a friend over."

Your sandwich is promptly forgotten.

"You're kidding me, right?" You stare at her intently, just shy of a glare. Aryll cringes a bit, and you look away, mood rapidly souring.

Blue. Homophobic, trigger-happy Blue, who'd refused to speak to you for years after you'd confided your biggest secret to him, who'd cut you out of his life entirely for something you couldn't even control, who hadn't so much as looked at you until a few weeks ago-has a significant other, a same-gender significant other.

You have so many conflicting emotions you think you might throw up.

"I'm gonna punch his face in," you finally settle on saying, slightly impressed at how calm your voice is. Your hands tremble where they lay in your lap, clenched into fists.

"Green, no!" Aryll grabs your wrist, even though you've made no move to get up. "He wanted to introduce the two of you today! And he brought V- um, someone else along too, so you have to be nice, okay?" She's nearly wiggled her way into your lap at this point, staring up at you with wide, sad eyes.

You mutter something under your throat and turn your head away, but the damage has already been done- Aryll's been able to manipulate you with that face since she was two and you were the only one who could reach the cookie jar. "Fine, whatever," you mumble, staring resolutely at the approaching clouds. A gust of hot wind sweeps over the grass as she cheers.

"They'll be over in just a few minutes then!" she tells you happily, and you drop your head into your hand and rub your temples. The air blows your hair around your face and brings the sound of annoyed bleating to your ears. Your goats are getting impatient to be moving again. Oh no, it looks like you won't be able to see Blue and company after all. What a shame.

You say as much to Aryll and she glares up at you, hands on her hips. "You can't run away forever, Green!" she chides, jabbing a finger into your sternum hard enough to make you wince.

"Watch me," you say flatly, and whistle for Epona. Before Aryll can say anything more, you're galloping away.

Hours pass. You're sweaty and exhausted and the clouds are nearly boiling in the sky. The humidity and pressure in the air is making the goats skittish, hyperaware and hyper-reactive to your every movement. You're trying to get them through the last gate between them and the barn, but with only one person and a couple of dogs to gather strays, the goats are slowly but surely gaining the upper hand. Epona nearly dances under you as you guide her in convoluted loops back and forth across the pasture, your dogs flanking the edges of the herd to make sure none escape the perimeter you've set up, but even that isn't enough.

Epona misses a step, stumbling on a loose rock in the field, and a group of the youngest bucks take the opportunity to dash past you, more of the larger group following. You swear and tug on Epona's reins a little harder than you have to and she whinnies in protest but rears and turns to go after them.

"HYAH!"

A buckskin horse canters past you, halting the small group's process. You catch a glimpse of blond hair and broad shoulders before whoever's riding shoots past you, startling the goats into turning back into the main group. Not one to let opportunity pass, you stand in your stirrups, cupping your mouth to holler to your dogs. Between the four of you the goats know they're outmatched, and they slowly begin to funnel into the penultimate pasture area. The buckskin rider heads through the gate first, scattering the herd back away from the opening, and you pass through as well, leaning down to swing it shut.

A whoop comes from behind you and you pause. Aryll rides up alongside you, pumping her fist in the air as she slips through the gap. You latch the gate and turn Epona alongside her, taking the water bottle she hands you and draining half of it in one long gulp. You dump the rest over your head, shaking it through your hair in an effort to cool you down somewhat. Someone is riding behind her, but you barely spare a glance before turning your gaze back to your benefactor.

It's Blue.

He smirks at you- no, smiles, you haven't seen a genuine smile on his face in years- as he trots up beside you, he and Aryll effectively boxing you in. He has a passenger as well- small, blond, wearing an expression of wild-eyed excitement, clinging to him hard enough that you can see the whiteness of his knuckles from here.

You duck your head, uncomfortable at Blue's sudden scrutiny, and turn to look at the rider behind Aryll.

Your stomach plummets.

It's Vio.

His glasses are askew, his hair is wind-ruffled, and he sits like a sack of potatoes. Scratch that, a sack of potatoes might be easier to ride with- you see how careful he is to keep a respectful distance between Aryll and himself and despite the conflicting feelings in your gut it warms your heart just the tiniest bit. It says something about Aryll's riding skills that he's still on, though- it looks like he'd be tumbling backwards with the slightest jolt.

He meets your gaze with sheepish calm, settling his glasses a bit more firmly on his face and opening his mouth to say something. Your attention is promptly distracted by Blue running his horse directly into yours, causing Epona to make an offended noise and you to lurch dangerously in the saddle.

"Been a while since we wrangled together!" he grins at you, and your words catch in your throat. You manage to respond with an awkward, hesitant nod, which only makes him beam all the wider. "Thought you could use a hand- the storm's coming in a lot quicker than forecast." Thunder rumbles as if in agreement a lot closer than you care for.

"…Yeah," you say after a moment's pause. "That'd be great, thanks." You turn to Aryll and raise an eyebrow, and she shakes her head with a laugh.

"I wouldn't be any help!" she gestures, and Vio wobbles dangerously as her horse sidesteps. He looks miserable, so precariously balanced, you almost reach out to steady him but abort the motion immediately.

"So what's the plan?" Blue asks, leaning a bit closer as the wind rises. A drop of moisture hits your nose and you grimace.

"Take the left side. The dogs'll be able to hold the back, we just need to get them into the barn so that we don't have any more issues with rogue goats busting through the fences." You nudge Epona out through the other two horses, turning her in a tight circle until you're facing the other two. "Aryll, if you could just hang back and holler to me if you see any strays making a run for it?"

"Sure thing, big bro-eeek!"

Thunder cracks like a whip above your heads and Aryll's horse rears, dumping Vio off into the grass before taking off headlong. Blue lets out a shout and you make a noise of dismay, dropping the rains and nearly flinging yourself off Epona's back. Vio is already sitting up, though, one hand to the back of his head and a bemused expression on his face. The grass is thick and soft here, almost as good as a cushion.

"Are you alright?" are your first words to him, and you regret how inane you sound as soon as you've spoken. He nods and takes the hand you automatically offer, hoisting himself up. His touch lingers, fingertips resting against the hollow of your wrist.

"I'm sorry," are his first words to you, and they hit you like down pillows driven with the force of sledgehammers. Something inside you didn't know was tensed relaxes abruptly, while the rest of you freezes up. He steps closer to you and it's simultaneously the best and worse thing ever, you've missed him (goddesses, you've missed him) but at the same time he hurt you, and you're still not over it .

You look around for Aryll quickly- her horse is already two pastures over and headed straight back for the house. Aryll's almost as good a rider as you are, you're not that worried. Unless her horse trips and breaks a leg and she's caught all alone out there…

You're almost relieved when Blue and his mysterious tagalong ride around Epona. "Hate to interrupt," he interrupts, clearly not hating it, "but we really should be getting a move on."

The sky chooses that moment to dump about the amount of water it would take to fill Lake Hylia onto you. You're instantly drenched, and it's almost worth it to see Vio's baffled expression. "Storms hit quick on the plains," you tell him, turning back to hoist yourself onto Epona's back once more. It takes a moment more before you're able to say, "Come on, give me your hand."

At least he mounts better than a sack of potatoes. He keeps the same polite distance he had between himself and Aryll, and you grumble in the back of your throat. "That's not gonna work for the kind of riding we're gonna be doing, Vi," you tell him, and grab his arms to yank him forward.

The yelp he smothers against the back of your neck sends heat pooling down into your stomach. You resolutely ignore it.

"Keep as close to me as you can," you call back to him- the rain is falling even heavier now, if that's even possible, and thunder rumbles ominously in bass counterpoint. "Arms around my waist, hold on as tight as you can, don't let your butt leave the saddle if you can manage it."

He nods, and the feel of his hair brushing against your skin is heart-wrenchingly familiar. Blue hollers something unintelligible at you through the rain. You spur Epona forward.

Everything is muddy, and visibility is near zero, but you and Blue have always worked seamlessly together. The rain is cold, slicking your hair down into your eyes and soaking into your pants. Vio is warm against your back, arms locked around your waist. His chin is hooked over your shoulder, and every now and then you think he hums, but you can't hear it over the thunder and the rain. Goats bleat unhappily around you, your shaggy dogs little more than blurs of mud and soggy fur as they herd the edges of the ragtag group towards the warm glow of the barn door.

The last goat files in obediently. Epona shuffles inside, and Blue pulls the doors closed. The storm's fury is muted, and the air becomes still.

You shlepp yourself down off of Epona, reaching up automatically to help Vio down as well. He fumbles the dismount, nearly capsizing face-first onto the floor, but redirects into your chest. Blue snickers, his guest giggling as well, and you set Vio carefully on his feet before starting to pull Epona's tack off. Your girl's done well today, you think to yourself with a fond smile, and resolve to bring her at least a pound of carrots, maybe more.

Somehow without your noticing you and Blue have become sandwiched between your respective horses while you towel them down. You bend to give the dogs a quick wipe down as well- one shakes all over you, the ungrateful brute, and the other just lets his tongue loll out in a silly doggy grin. Properly dried, they take off to guard the goats from the main aisle of the barn.

Blue grins at you again- you blink, still finding the expression odd on a face that you've only seen frowning for months and months. "Pretty bad out there," he says idly, giving his horse a final wipe before coming over to stand by you. "Don't think it's gonna be letting up anytime soon, we might be stuck here for a while."

Lovely. You focus on detangling a few burrs that seem to have gotten stuck in Epona's mane.

Blue sighs and scuffles his feet beside you. "Hey…" he says, uncharacteristically quiet. "I have some things to apologize for."

"Damn straight you do," you mutter. He snorts and punches you in the shoulder.

"Seriously. Finish that up and meet me over in the hay fort we built a couple years ago, alright?" He moves to leave, but turns back at the last second. "But first- oi, featherbrain!" he calls, and his errant guest comes barreling over from where he'd been admiring a particularly robust goat. "Green, this is Red, my boyfriend," he says with no trace of hesitation.

Red beams and extends a hand to you. Standing on flat ground he barely comes up to your shoulder. His face is bright and optimistic- he's almost painfully transparent, completely easy to read, just what your obtuse blockhead of a twin needs. "Hi!" he chirps. "I'm really happy to meet you! Blue's told me such great things about you!"

You give Blue the stinkeye. He shrugs and scratches the back of his head.

You suppose turnabout is fair play, and turn back to see Vio still standing next to Epona. You invite him over with a small jerk of the head and a tilt of your shoulder. He nods and steps forward, shoes crunching on the dry chaff scattered across the floor.

You realize then that you don't know what he is to you anymore, or what you are to him. He solves your dilemma by nudging you aside with a hip and extending his hand first to Blue, then to Red. "I am Vio," he tells them quietly. "It is a pleasure to meet you as well."

Red latches onto him immediately, pulling him off to the side to babble at him (or so you assume, he talks about a mile a minute and you can barely parse any of it). Vio shoots you a long, inscrutable look over the top of his head, one that you assume means you'll be having a nice long talk later.

After your nice long talk with Blue, of course.

Your shoulders sag a bit in defeat as you follow your brother to the far corner of the barn.

He apologizes. Once, twice, three times.

I was always jealous of you, he says. You were just so chill about everything. When you told me I was just so angry that you could say it so openly.

He knew he was gay before the two of you hit puberty. He never told you, left you to flounder through discovering your sexuality on your own. The crowds he ran with were never the type to accept things, so he stayed quiet, kept it hidden.

I hated you for a while, he says. I don't anymore.

He managed to break away from them during his freshman year of college, the year you'd seen hide nor hair of him. He did a lot of stupid things and got kicked out, took a semester off to get his head in order, then went back to a public university closer to home. That's where he met Red.

I got lucky, he says. I still don't know why he puts up with me.

Red wormed his way into his life, somehow- when Blue met him he was actually dating this sprightly blond chick named Zelda Nohansen. They'd both drawn you into their friend group, and Blue had finally learned what it was like to have friends who weren't actually assholes.

When Red and Zelda decided their interests laid in separate directions Red came to Blue first. It had taken Blue about a month and a half after that to realize he was being wooed, but when he did he panicked a bit.

I was such a little shit, he says. I had no idea what to do.

Red was persistent, chipping his way through Blue's armor, always supportive, always there. He finally broke through just after winter break- it had taken Red dragging him out for a Gift of the Goddess Day dinner and making Blue walk him back to his dorm. Blue had been barely able to eat, almost nauseous with anticipation of what he was about to do- and when Red had stopped outside his dorm Blue had swallowed, leaned down, and kissed him.

The rest was easy, after that. Zelda was whole-heartedly supportive- Blue found out later that she had helped organize the whole thing. All of their friends were happy for them, and with Red at his side Blue couldn't understand why he'd been so scared.

I'm sorry, he says. Can you forgive me?

You punch his shoulder hard enough to bruise, then hug him tightly. He hugs you back.

When the two of you return to the main aisle of the barn, you see Red and Vio sitting cross legged on an old horse blanket, clearly deep in discussion about something or other. Blue clears his throat meaningfully- Red looks up and beams, and the devotion on his face makes your stomach twist. You looked at Vio that way once.

Lightning flashes outside, with a loud boom of thunder rattling the windows in their ill-fitting frames. "This isn't gonna let up anytime soon," Blue mutters, eyeing the ceiling.

"It's almost dark, anyway," you say back, sighing. You would have liked a shirt if you were going to be spending the evening in a barn with your once-estranged twin brother, his boyfriend, and the person who put some serious cracks in your heart. "There should be a bunch of blankets and stuff above Epona's stall, I've spent a couple nights in here with her before. I'll go grab them- you two can have the hay fort."

"Thanks," Blue grins at you and slings an arm over your shoulder. "What about you and him? What's goin' on with you two?"

You laugh without humor. "Ask him. I have no clue what he's doing here." You shrug out from under Blue's arm, skirting around the blanket and moving to dig in Epona's saddlebags. You always keep some food in them for the days when you do spend the night sleeping over Epona's stall, comforted by her breathing, the swish of her tail, the sound the sawdust that lines her pen makes when she steps on it. It's not much- packets of crackers, sunflower seeds, a melted and half-solidified candybar, a big bag of trail mix- but it's something, and the barn has spigots for fresh water everywhere. You bring the food stash over to the blanket, letting it drop into the center. "It's not the best of dinners but it'll have to do," you say. "The storm is too bad to get back to the house tonight."

"Oh, thanks!" Red grins at you happily, leaning into Blue when he settles down beside him.

"Blue can show you where the water is when you want some." You snag a packet of crackers and head over to Epona's stall, slipping inside. You're starving, you've been out since daybreak, but you don't think you can eat much. Instead you lean heavily against her side, burying your face in damp hide and horsehair.

You've been drifting ever since you came back home from school, and you know your grandmother and Aryll have noticed. You barely came out of your room for the first week, ignoring their gentle questions and their concern. You ate sparsely, sleeping for hours and hours on end before your funk withdrew far enough for you to get the motivation to go visit Epona in the middle of the night.

You cried in her stall more than once, curled up against her reassuringly solid body, while she snuffed at your hair and clothes, whickering softly every now and then. When you finally got the motivation to go back to work you threw yourself into it, exhausting yourself every day so you'd be able to sleep through the night. You don't know how long you've been in this state, but you think the events of today might have broken you out of it.

You're not sure if you're thankful or not.

Epona looks up from her feed and snorts. You look up too, after a moment, and see Vio leaning there, chin resting on the arm folded across the stall door. "You're a hard man to track down," he says after a moment, the fingers of his dangling arm tapping out an irregular rhythm on the rough wood. You shrug, wordless, and drop your gaze to the floor.

"What are you doing here?" you manage to say after a long stretch of uncomfortable silence.

"I've been trying to get in contact with you for weeks," he says.

"Why?" you repeat. You can feel your chest getting tight again, pins and needles racing along your palms. You don't want to go through this again, it hurt enough the first time. Epona nudges her head into you hard like the world's largest dog and you catch her bridle, scratch the soft spots along her jaw and chin until she blows air forcefully from her nostrils.

"Because," he says slowly. "I believe I have some explanations to provide, and some forgiveness to ask. May we talk?"

You swallow drily. "…sure." Epona nudges you again much more gently, almost encouragingly. You kiss the side of her face as you move forward, vaulting over the stable door and brushing the horsehair from your palms and still-soaked pants. You take a look around- Blue and Red are still on the blanket in the aisle, eating and laughing. "Give me your hand, I'll give you a boost."

"A boost where?" he frowns.

"Above Epona's stall. There's a big space up there, I stay there sometimes. There's already blankets- it'll be a little stuffy but there's a window we can crack."

Under your direction he balances his palms carefully on Epona's stall door as you heft him up around the waist. He's lighter than you remember- or is it just that you've never picked him up before? When he grabs onto the ledge above you let go, only to brace yourself under his feet and help him heave himself upwards. He rolls further onto the safety of the ledge with a huff, leaning down to offer you a hand. You wave him off, jumping to catch the ledge with your fingertips and pulling yourself up with sheer strength of will.

You're both quiet as you catch your breath.

Then he begins.

He apologizes. Five, six, seven times.

My view of relationships has never been healthy, he says. That was no reason to put you through what I did to you.

He tells you of his broken home, of endless nights of listening to his parents fight, of growing up to learn that if you loved someone you had to hurt them, to see if they'd come back to you. He tells you of two young boys who had no one else to turn to but each other, who blurred the lines of friendship and family and love until neither knew what they were aside from themselves.

All we had was each other, he says. It took me far too long to realize that didn't need to be the case anymore.

They slept together for the first time when they were sixteen. Vio immediately recognized it as a mistake, regretted it, but didn't feel like he could cut his ties with Shadow completely. Shadow was his best friend, his anchor, his escape route. He let things escalate, until they graduated- Vio went off to a prestigious university on full scholarship, and Shadow stayed behind, settling for a lesser college.

We were too codependent, he says. I knew it would result in terrible things farther down the road.

Vio met Vaati a month into his freshman year of university. Tall, svelte, charismatic, he captured Vio's attention almost immediately, and to Vio's shame he fell for every word. Two more months and they were dating- Vio stayed with him for winter break instead of going back home to see his family and Shadow.

That is when much of the trouble began coming to light, he says. I wish I could have known.

Things changed. Vaati began demanding more of his attention, more of his time. It progressed to the point where Vio was not allowed to make phone calls or use the internet without Vaati's supervision- "I don't want anyone to steal you away from me," he would say when Vio confronted him. "You are mine, and mine alone."

Shadow came to visit in the spring. He saw Vio walking with Vaati and did what he would have at any other time- practically tackled Vio with the force of his enthusiastic hug. Vaati took offence, and set about beating Shadow into a pulp. Shadow gave as good as he got, until campus police came and separated them.

Vio left the school that day, and completed his transfer paperwork within the week.

Shadow has been protective of me ever since, he says. I should have never let him get away with it.

He saw you for the first time the same day you saw him- packed into a crowded train, surrounded by strangers. He'd envied you your calm, the way you seemed completely unfazed by the noises of the subway or the press of people around you. Seeing you around campus, realizing that you were in most of his classes, was just an added bonus. The day you asked him to coffee he had almost said no.

But you were so different from Vaati, he says. So eager to please, instead of being pleased.

Shadow was blisteringly jealous from the moment Vio told him about you, to the extent of giving him the silent treatment for a day when he'd gone home for Thanksgiving break. He'd thawed soon enough, though he never regarded tales of you with more than cursory interest. Vio had had no idea about the breadth of the antagonism Shadow had held for you, though, until the day you walked out of his apartment in tears.

Vio had yelled at Shadow for the first time in years, cowing Shadow into explaining just what it was he'd done- Shadow had professed innocence but quickly broke down, and Vio had ordered him out as well. Within the next few days he'd drawn up a list of behaviors that would now be labelled as completely off-limits if Shadow wanted to continue their friendship. Shadow grudgingly agreed to them.

To be fair, he was only doing what he had been doing for years, he says. I should have recognized the fact that with you in my life, the actions were no longer necessary, nor even appropriate.

He had tried to call you, but you never answered your phone. You never answered your email, or any messages he sent you. (Probably because your phone's been turned off since early June. Or was it late May?) He finally resorted to getting in contact with your sister, and between the two of them they hand planned his venture here, to say his apology in person.

I hurt you a great deal, and I am so sorry, he says.

You are one of, if not the single best thing to happen to me in my life.

Will you ever be able to forgive me?

You don't know.

You'd like to try, though.

In answer you tug him closer gently by his collar, close your eyes, kiss his forehead, then draw him into a hug. He hugs you back, and his arms shake.

When he lets go you draw back. It's horribly stuffy in the lofted area, and even shirtless you still have beads of sweat forming at the nape of your neck. Vio cracks the window, and the noise of the storm outside increases exponentially- you don't think it's going to be lessening anytime soon.

You help Vio down, tossing down about half the blankets for him to give to Blue and Red. You spread the other half around the lofted area, layering them to create a little bit of cushion. You spread them more thickly over the half of the area you'll offer to Vio- you're used to hard surfaces, you don't really mind.

From the loft you see him hand the blankets over. His mouth moves- you can't tell what he's saying, but Blue points him off to one of the water spigots. He drinks, splashes water on his face and across his neck, drinks some more, then starts heading back. He stops to grab what food is left- Red waves it all towards him with a smile.

Thunder cracks again. The lights in the barn flicker the slightest bit. Vio looks up apprehensively, but Blue says something that clearly amuses him and he heads back your way. You lean down far enough to take the food from him, setting it carefully out of the way, and haul him back up again.

"Here," he says, offering you the bag of trail mix. "You must be hungry, I saw you only take that one pack of crackers." You shake your head but your stomach betrays you, rumbling into life. Vio snorts and shoves it into your hands. "Eat," he insists. "At least half of it."

You do. It sits heavily in your stomach and you lean back against the floor with a groan. You're so tired, you realize- the events of today have just left you physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

A ridiculously bright flash of lightning throws everything into stark relief for the shortest of moments, followed by the loudest boom of thunder you think you've ever heard. The lights flicker violently and cut, leaving the barn shrouded in darkness, and even over the wind and rain you can hear Blue swearing. You heave yourself up long enough to push the window shut once more- the storm is worsening, it sounds like, and being uncomfortable is an easy enough price to pay for continuing to stay dry.

Before you can settle back down you hear Vio doing something behind you. You turn, and the next flash of lightning illuminates him dragging the two separate piles of blankets closer together. You can feel your cheeks beginning to heat.

It's pitch dark. You crouch, trailing your fingertips along the floor in front of you so you don't accidentally walk off the ledge and break your neck. When you reach Vio's leg you tug on his pants. "Don't just walk around," you warn him. "Edges." He immediately sinks to his knees, your hand ending up on his shoulder.

Without a word he kisses you, slow and sweet. You freeze in surprise. He laces the fingers of his left hand into your right, leaning up into you. It must be uncomfortable- you bring your left hand up to steady him, and he leans into you more, unbalancing you. You tumble backwards into the blankets, Vio landing on your chest, and the both of you burst into quiet chuckles.

He kisses you again while you're still laughing. You can feel his lips still curved into a smile, his body setting more fully on top of you until he's stretched out along your whole length. He deepens the kiss, and you're not laughing anymore, this is something serious. He trails kisses across your face, your jaw, your neck and shoulders, his hands coming up to rest at your face before slowly moving downwards.

He touches you and oh, you'd never thought that someone else's hands could make such a difference. Every square inch of skin is oversensitive. His fingertips trail across your neck, along your shoulder, down your arm to your palm and back up again. They linger along your collarbone, the hollows of your neck, trail slowly down your chest.

You suck in a breath, hold it.

He spreads his hands along your ribcage, strokes down your sides, across your stomach. You shudder, exhale, inhale, hold it. He travels back upwards, no pressure but his fingertips once more. He brushes over your nipple with just the corner of his pinky and what has never before been an erogenous zone now sets your skin aflame.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Hold it.

His palms slide down to your hips, coaxing them upwards. You prop yourself on elbows and heels while he undoes your belt, slides it free of its loops, folds it and places it aside. Coaxes your still-soaked pants down your hips, your thighs, calves, pulls them free, stands just long enough to hang them from a nearby nail, kneels and places a hand on your stomach, pushes you back down. You're shaking.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Hold it.

You can't see him in the darkness but you hear him- the soft susurrus of damp cloth pulling free from damp skin, the toothy metal zzzrp of a zipper, the crunch of hay underfoot as he moves, hanging his own clothes to hopefully dry in the night.

He touches you again, with purpose this time- fingertips travelling back and forth across your hipbones, centimeters above the elastic band of your boxers, then upwards across your chest, brushing against you again. Back and forth, until you're quivering non-stop, unable to suppress the tiny jolts of your hips every time his fingers trail downwards once more.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Hold it.

Until finally, he doesn't stop. His fingers trail over the elastic band, stroke the fabric briefly, and then-

Oh.

He touches you. Tentatively, until your careful-held breath hisses out between your teeth in a whine and you cant your hips upward pleadingly. Harder, then, with purpose, and you press your head hard into the floor beneath you as your hips buck up to meet him again.

He paces you, soothes you as he sets you afire, brings you to the edge and dangles you there for an eternity.

He takes you apart, strings you out piece by piece until there's almost nothing left, until you're gasping his name, choking out a constant litany of "please, please, let me-"

He is merciful. He lets you.

You shatter.

When you come back to yourself the rain has slackened almost completely, little more than a gentle pat-a-pat against the barn's tin roof. You're still panting, zings of pleasure still lighting up your nerves, and you can't stop trembling.

Your face is wet. You can't tell if it's from sweat or tears. The way your eyes burn make you suspect the latter, and if your muscles didn't feel like a pile of well-cooked spaghetti you would cringe.

Vio's fingertips trace along your chest, from collarbone to bellybutton and back again. You lift one hand to grab his, oh-so-stealthily swiping your other forearm across your eyes. He hums and laces your fingers together, giving your hand a gentle squeeze.

It's a few more moments before you're coherent enough to do more than lay there like a damp sack of flour, but eventually you're able to reach up and tug Vio closer. He moves willingly, straddling you, and you can feel him hot and eager against your stomach. You reach for his face in the darkness, the angles of his jaw and the juts of his cheekbones achingly familiar against your fingers. He leans down to kiss you, pants into your mouth as you slip a hand between your bodies.

He's nearly silent. You keep a hand on his face, feel the curve of his lips forming into an 'o' as you work him, reveling in each quiet noise you're able to wring from him. The shudder he makes when he finishes is exquisite; you vow to keep the tiny cry that slips out locked in your memory forever.

"I love you," he whispers hoarsely into your ear, pressing two fingers to your lips to keep you in silence when you open your mouth to reply. You nip them instead, running your tongue against the soft pads, and waggle your eyebrows even though you know he can't see. The startled noise he lets out makes heat pool in your stomach, but you're spent and so is he, and you both know it.

He smooshes his palm into your face. You drag your tongue up it obnoxiously, and he wipes it into your hair with a snort.

He falls asleep against your chest. It's almost uncomfortably warm but you wouldn't move for the world.

You're not fixed, not even close. But you're not broken anymore, either.

You sleep more deeply than you have in months.