A/N:Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. No matter how much I wish differently. *sigh* Oh well. Here's another chapter. Leave the love-or hate. Whichever. =] -Thanks for the reviews & for adding my story to your alerts/favs! Means alot to me! Please keep it up-especially the reviews! =]
I woke up in the hospital, tied down to the bed, and completely alone. Fuck me. I guess slicing your wrists open will do that to ya. It was really annoying. Not the being alone part; I didn't really want to be bombarded with questions anyway, but the being tied down part sucked. I had an itch on my nose, and it was really bugging me. I tried scrunching my nose, wiggling it, and sniffing, but nothing was helping. Just as I was about to call out, Alice came waltzing into the room with a furious expression on her delicate face. Shit. I'm in trouble.
"Hey there good looking." I cheesed. "Don't you do that. Don't you dare act like everything is just peachy keen when I've been sitting out in that waiting room for over twenty-four hours with a very broken Edward, and everyone else worrying whether or not you would wake up. How fucking dare you do this to us! If you ever pull a stunt like this again and live to talk about it I'll kill you myself do you hear me?" She threatened. I swallowed, and nodded in understanding. Who knew the little pixie could be so scary? I sure as hell didn't. I'd never seen her so upset before. Then again, I've never tried to off myself either. Was that really what I was trying to do? I didn't even know for sure. But, what I did know was that my nose itched like a motherfucker.
"Alice? I know you're angry with me, but my nose really itches. Could you please itch it?" I whispered. I was afraid if I spoke any louder everyone would hear, and I wasn't ready to deal with anyone else just yet. Especially not Edward. Not after what I did to him. Alice started laughing, and bless her little soul came over and scratched my nose. Aaahhh. Much better. She sat down next to me, and took hold of my restrained hand gently. "You scared the shit out of me, Bella." She stated quietly. Tears welled up in her eyes, and I swear I've never felt so guilty in my life. "I'm so sorry, Alice." I apologized just as quietly, tears filling my own eyes. "Why, Bella? Why did you do it? I just can't understand why you would do this. I never thought you of all people would take the easy way out." She questioned, wiping at the tears that had begun falling down my cheeks as well as her own.
"I felt so...lost. I was suffocating, Alice. When Edward and I stopped fighting, all my anger just melted into sadness, and I got so depressed. I started feeling guilty for all the fights we'd had, and how I'd hit him. I mean, Alice..I..I love him. I mean, I really love him, and I hit him. Who does that? Just because I've had the life I've had before him doesn't give me the right to put my hands on him, and even though I knew that..I still tried to pick fights with him. Just to make him as miserable as I was. I felt like I was drowning, and I just wanted it to stop. I still feel as if I'm drowning, and I don't know how to fix it. But, mostly, I'm terrified Alice. I don't know how to be anything other than what I've been. Mean, hateful, and violent. I don't know how to be better, and I'm scared of it.
"I wasn't even thinking about it being suicide, I swear. I just wanted it to stop." I explained, crying harder. "Oh, Alice." I cried. "What am I going to do? I've never been so scared. And what about Edward? What if he doesn't forgive me for this? I can't lose him, Alice." I exclaimed. "Oh, sweetheart you aren't going to lose him. He's been worried sick about you. Trust me, he'll forgive you. I'm sorry you felt like you had no other option but, Bella, promise me if you feel that way again you'll call me. Or at least call someone, and talk about it. And you have to take your medication, sweetie. It's not an option." She stated. She wiped my tears away, and gave me a watery smile. "I need to let your doctor know that you're awake, and Edward, too." She said after a few minutes of silence. I nodded, and sighed heavily. Well, here goes nothing.
My doctor came in first. After talking with me for a few minutes he decided the restraints could be removed, and said that I'd be staying for seventy-two hours at least. They needed to make sure I wasn't a threat to myself before they'd release me. I completely understood, however, that didn't mean I had to like it. Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett came in to see me for a short time. As did Carlisle and Esme, but no Edward. After everyone left Alice came back in to sit with me. The doctor had apparantly told her and Edward that I wasn't to be left alone, and if they didn't want to stay they'd have a member of the staff stay with me. I was glad Alice agreed to stay; I wasn't too keen on the idea of a stranger staying in my room with me for any length of time. We sat in silence for awhile before I finally couldn't take it anymore.
"Where's Edward?" I asked quietly. I was afraid he'd decided he couldn't handle my shit and had taken off. It would serve me right after the hell I'd put him through the last week or so. "I made him go home and clean up. He had your blood all over his clothes, but he'd refused to leave until you woke up. He wanted to come in and see you, but I told him you'd freak out over the blood." She explained with a small smile. She knew me so well. I hated the sight of blood. Which was sort of ironic given my recent tirades. We sat in silence after that, watching reruns of Friends on television. One of the nurses came in at some point to distribute my medication, and though I hated the idea of being on medication I took it anyway. I seriously had to change the way I'd been doing things if I wanted my relationship with Edward, or my life to improve. That meant taking the damn pills, and going to therapy. Ugh.
About an hour later Edward walked slowly into the room. He looked like shit. His eyes were red, swollen, and lifeless. There were dark circles under them as well, and he had a major five o'clock shadow going on. He looked as if he hadn't slept well in a very long time, which, come to think of it he probably hadn't. I felt even guiltier than I had earlier with Alice. This was my fault. Fuck my life. Tears sprung to my eyes and started falling rapidly the moment he sat besides me."I'm going to go down to the cafeteria, and give you two some privacy." Alice stated as she walked out. Edward immediately climbed into the bed, held me close, and cried right along with me. In that moment, I knew I would do whatever it took to make things better for us. He was my everything, and I could no longer bare to hurt him the way I had been. It was too much.
"I thought I lost you, love." He whispered after awhile. I wiped his tears away, and kissed his eyes softly. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm so sorry." I whispered. "I'll forgive you, but on one condition." He stated quietly. "Anything." I replied. "You have to swear you will never do this to me again." He demanded gently. "I swear." I answered reverntly. "Things are going to get better, Edward. I promise you they will. I'm going to do everything I can to change, and get better." I explained. He nodded, and kissed me gently on the lips. "That's good, love. I'm glad to hear you finally say that." He replied.
"We can get through this, Edward. I know we can, but you can't do all the work yourself. I know I've said before that I would go to therapy, and do whatever I could to help, but this time I really mean it. I'll go to couple's therapy with you, but I also want to go to therapy on my own. I think it will help with some of the issues I'm having. And I'll take the damn pills, or whatever they want me to do. I just can't lose you." I stated as more tears welled up in my eyes.
"Don't cry, love. I'm not going anywhere. My life would have no purpose with you. I'd be lost without you. I can't lose you either so don't worry about me going anywhere. We can get through this, I agree with you on that, but it isn't going to be easy, love. It's going to take a lot of hard work, and dedication that we've never really had before. We just have to stick with it, but for now I want you to sleep." He explained quietly. I smiled and snuggled closer to him. He began humming my lullaby, and I swiftly fell into a quiet slumber.
