She Who Was My Love Chapter 4
Suicide
Author's Notes: One last time, I'm warning people about how things are going to get dark before they get better.
Willow's POV
I knock one more time before using my key into the Summers home.
I don't like using the key but Joyce said I should have one in case. She didn't say what that case might be but I wasn't about to argue with the kind of things that happen to we in the Scooby gang, it might be anything.
Tara follows me in.
"Are... are you sure about this?"
"It'll be fine, Joyce gave me a key remember?"
"You k-know what I..."
All of the sudden she stops and gets this weird look on her face.
"What is it Tara?"
"I don't know... I have this feeling like... I don't know."
I go a little further into the house and I see Joyce lying on the couch.
"Joyce?"
She stirs a bit and wakes up from her slumber.
"Joyce, are you okay?"
I sit beside her on the couch as she sits up, shaking the cobwebs out of her head.
"Yes I'm... I'm fine. I guess I must have dozed off there for a second. What are you girls doing here? I thought you were having your meeting with Xander, Anya and Giles."
"We were... I mean, we did. It's over. We came to take over Faith watch so you could get some sleep. I guess you got a little ahead of us."
"I guess so."
She gets up and starts toward the kitchen.
"Well let me make you girls some sandwiches or something before I let you take over."
Tara and I follow Joyce into the kitchen as she starts fidgeting around.
"You don't have to do that Joyce. I'm sure we can make something ourselves if we get hungry."
"Willow?"
"It's no problem Willow. I'd be happy to do it."
"W-Willow?"
"Just a second Tara, it's not necessary Mrs. Summers."
"S-something's..."
"I've told you before Willow, you can call me Joyce."
"Something's w-wrong."
Wrong?
I turn to Tara.
"What do you mean baby? What could be wrong?"
"I-I don't know I just..."
"Where's my knife?"
What?
Joyce is looking around the counter.
"Your knife?"
"My favorite knife is missing."
Why would a knife be missing? And what does it have to do with Tara's bad feeling? I... OH MY GOD!
"FAITH!"
I run out of the kitchen at full speed and I'm half way up the stairs as Tara and Joyce hit the bottom of the stairs. I reach Faith's door and start knocking on it feverishly.
"Faith...?"
What is she...?
"Faith, whatever it is we can talk about it."
"GO AWAY!"
I try the doorknob but it's locked.
"Faith you don't have to do this."
I start knocking on the door harder as Tara and Joyce join me at the door. Tara bangs on the door.
"F-FAITH?"
Joyce panics.
"We have to get in there Willow."
"I know."
I'll have to use magic.
I put my arms out to get Tara and Joyce to back away from the door.
"I can get us in with magic just... be careful not to get too close. If we crowd her she might do something stupid, if she hasn't already."
"Okay."
"O-Okay..."
I grab the doorknob and concentrate as I shove my shoulder into the door.
"Portas..."
The door comes open and I stop just inside the door.
"Faith!"
She's sitting on the floor, the knife in one hand, the sharp edge of the blade against her other wrist. Tears stain the flat side of the blade.
She must've been sitting like this for a while, I have to do something.
I kneel down a few feet away, being careful not to push her too far.
"Faith what's wrong?"
"I-It won't s-stop..."
"What do you mean? What won't stop?"
She presses the blade against her wrist and I know I have to do something fast.
"I have to make it stop."
"Faith, please just give me the knife and we can talk about this. Whatever it is, it can't be worth killing yourself over."
"This is the only way to make it stop."
"What Faith? What is it that you want to stop?"
"MY HEART! It... it won't stop beating."
What?
"I... why would you want it to?"
"Because..."
"Because why Faith?"
"She... she t-told me..."
"Who? Who told you? Buffy?"
"S-she told me once..."
Her eyes squeeze shut and she presses the blade harder against her wrist.
I have to keep her talking.
"What did Buffy tell you?"
"She..."
"Tell me what Buffy said Faith..."
"She s-said that, as, as long as I could h-hear her heartbeat she... she still loved m-me..."
She looks at me, eyes red, tears staining her cheeks.
"But I heard it stop Will. I was there when it stopped..."
She looks back down at the knife against her wrist.
"I was there when she stopped loving me."
Joyce gets a little closer.
"Buffy didn't stop loving you Faith."
"Didn't she?"
"Of course not..."
Joyce kneels down next to me.
"That's why she did what she did, because she loved you. She loved all of us, and she still does."
"She loves you Faith. And as long as you remember that, she won't ever really be gone."
Her grip on the knife handle lessens and the blade flattens against her wrist. I hold out my hand to Faith.
"Please Faith, can I have the knife?"
The knife leaves her wrist slowly and she leans in to me as she hands it to me. I pass the knife off to Joyce as I take Faith into my arms and hold her close.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
"It's okay, I understand."
I rest her head against my shoulder as she holds me a little too tight around the ribs.
"I just... I didn't wanna hurt anymore..."
"I know Faith... it'll be okay. I'll make everything better, I promise."
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."
"Ssh... it's gonna be all right..."
I have to bring Buffy back to her. If I wasn't sure about it before, I sure as hell am sure about it now.
End of Chapter 4
