Disclaimer: I don't own Being Human, and I don't wish I did because it wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is, and it would get cancelled when I made sure Damien Molony was in every scene!
(As I have directly quoted one of the steps here, I feel it's only right to cite the material, so here is a link to the specific Alcohol Anonymous page .uk/?pageid=56 I have been using. Sorry, university essay writing hasn't quite been forgotten! If you're enjoying this so far then perhaps it will give you some clues as to what is coming...
Thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed and favourited so far, specifically ShoePigeon, tangentially TJ, Saemay, whimsyfox, fifi2903 and spondoolix. There may well be an update every day (well 24 hours or so anyway, my days are a bit stretched out at the moment!) as I want to get this one out of the way with the imminant arrival of Series 5. Have I mentioned I'm quite excited about that by the way?
Enjoy! x
Spoilers: Series 4
Warnings: Bad language, adult themes every now and then.
Step Three: Turn Our Will And Our Lives Over
"Come on, please. You're wasting away, you need to eat something. Just a bit of toast or something."
"Alex, I told you an hour ago, I don't want anything, thank you."
"Hal, you need to eat. Oh... you do don't you? I mean, I know you're technically dead and all..."
"Alex, stop wittering please."
"Well I'm sorry, but I skipped all my vampire biology classes in school 'cos I thought I'd never need them."
"I am perfectly capable of telling you whether I want food or not."
"Look, just please, what about a dry cracker? Or a banana or something?"
"Alex, go away." She stared at him indignantly but didn't move. "And stop looking at me like that."
"If you don't eat something, I'll hug you again."
"Alex..."
"I'm not joking Hal, I will. I'll do it."
"You're bluffing."
"I'm not the one who hates any form of physical contact." She challenged. "Well, maybe not any kind of contact, but I am certainly not testing that theory..."
"Do you have to bring the conversation down to vulgarity every time we speak?"
"Oh, so we are having a conversation then? Because I thought you were just disagreeing with everything I say for the fun of it."
"Yes, because my sole purpose in life is to annoy you." He answered sarcastically.
"That thought had crossed my mind. Arrg! You are such a control freak, you just have to be in the driving seat all the time don't you!?"
"As opposed to your dictatorship of toast and dry crackers?"
"Right, that's it, you're definitely getting a hug."
"I am not."
"Are too."
"Don't! I'll call for Tom!"
"Tom will back me up. And even if he doesn't, how is he going to stop me?"
"Alex! I am warning you..."
"Warn away." The ghost stepped slowly closer to him, drawing out the threat for as long as she could. "All you have to do to stop me is agree to the toast. It's not difficult, is it Hal?"
"This is about more than toast, it's the principle..."
"Principle! Hal, do me a favour, just say yes so I can get on with my morning."
"No. I won't."
"Well then, I'll take that as a sign you want that hug then."
"Fine."
"Now you're bluffing."
"Just turning the tables."
"Hal, be serious. Which one of us do you think is going to give in first? I'll give you a moment to work through that in your head before I test the theory."
"... I suppose one piece of toast can't hurt."
"There's a good boy." Alex smiled smugly and disappeared into the kitchen.
A few minutes later she returned carrying a plate laden with buttered toast, crackers and fruit. Hal sighed. The ghost just couldn't take a hint. She held a piece of the toast up for him to eat.
"Hal..." she warned when he looked at it disapprovingly. He let out a quiet groan before taking a bite. It tasted awful, just as he had expected, the glorious memory of blood still fresh on his taste buds, but it did feel nice to have some proper food in his stomach again. As he kept eating, Alex's triumphant smile grew. After the second slice, he sat back and she lowered the plate.
"Had enough?"
"It's best if I start slowly."
"Well, thanks for trying anyway."
"Please don't do that."
"What?"
"If there's any thanking to be done it ought to be me expressing my gratitude to you and Tom."
"You don't need to..."
"I do though. I don't know what I'd have done without you both. Well I do, but I don't want to think about it. I don't deserve you." Alex smiled at him and sat on the arm of the sofa next to him.
"You know why I like hearing you say that?"
"Because it makes a change from the abuse?"
"Well apart from that. It means you're getting better. You haven't had a tantrum..."
"I do not have tantrums."
"Fine, an outburst, for three days now. Ever since the hallucinations stopped you've been mellow, thoughtful and generally nice to be around, if a little bad tempered still. Tom seems to think you're almost back to normal."
"You're not thinking of letting me out are you?"
"Why? Don't you want us to?" she asked curiously.
"Yes I do. Which is precisely why you shouldn't."
"Why not? You can't stay here forever Hal."
Hal watched her for a moment, pondering the best way to answer her question. Deciding that words wouldn't be enough to convince her, he sat up ever so slightly and looked her straight in the eye. A small part of him voiced its approval at his plan, even if it was all just to prove a point. It was the same part, the seductive, predatory vampire in him, that would likely do something like this for real over the coming weeks. Which was precisely why he had to test her defences against it. For now, he silenced the monster, pushing it to the back of his mind and refusing to acknowledge that he was in any way going to enjoy this.
She frowned ever so slightly at his suddenly intense gaze, but she held it none the less.
"Alex." he said, in the just the right tone of voice.
"Yea?" she answered, a little unsure of herself. He noticed her throat move subtly as she swallowed subconsciously. Still got it the vampire in him thought to itself. Again he pushed the thought away, trying to remain himself for as long as possible. Now to be cruel to be kind.
"The other day, when I was... indisposed. I wanted to thank you for looking past everything I've said to you and having the heart to comfort me when, honestly, I really needed it."
"When you were hallucinating? I thought you never wanted to talk about it again?"
"I didn't. But I feel it's only fair to let you know what a difference it made. What a different you made to me."
"Oh. Well, you know I was being a tiny bit selfish really. Don't take this the wrong way, I hated seeing you like that, but it was sort of nice to feel... useful again." she looked down ashamedly for a second, but her eyes found their way back to his just as he had anticipated they would. He had snared a great many women with those eyes in the past. A lucky genetic gift he had been grateful for so many times. Now he hated it.
"You are useful Alex. You're much more than that." he pushed down the guilt that began to surface, but reminded himself that it was a good sign. He should feel guilty for what he was doing.
"Well, that's... nice of you to say so." she laughed nervously.
"It's the truth. And if I'm honest with myself, really honest, I didn't just let you get that close because I needed you. I wanted you." he licked his lips and her eyes fluttered down to them for a second, almost mesmerised. He desperately hoped she would spurn him, realising the lesson he was teaching her for herself so he wouldn't have to be so cruel.
"Wanted you? I mean me, wanted... me?" she stuttered, keeping her eyes locked on his.
"Yes. I still do." he said lowly. He wasn't being completely untruthful. Part of him wanted to continue the seduction, far past the point he needed to. See how far he could get with her. He had always liked a challenge. Of course, the monster really only wanted to be free so that it could escape and drink it's fill, massacring as many as it would take to sate the savage thirst that burned his throat every second of every day. Sexual gratification would simply be a welcome by-product and a tool, to make her do as he wanted.
That was why he had to teach her, however bad it made him feel. The battle that raged in him between the man and the vampire was nowhere near won yet, and this was the time when he was at his most dangerous.
"You... you don't. You would have let me hug you earlier if you did." she said uncertainly. It was enough. He sat back in the chair, shrugging off the quiet, confident air he had put on.
"Correct answer. And that is precisely why you can't even consider letting me out of this chair, not for one second, no matter how much I tell you I'm ready. Not for a long time yet." She stared at him confusedly for a minute, her eyes growing wide as the realisation of what he had been doing sank in.
"You complete knob!" she shouted.
"I'm sorry Alex, but there was no other way. You've only seen the good me, and the enraged, snarling animal I regretfully become at the start of the rehabilitation process. But there is so much more to it than that. This is when I get my senses back, and that's not always a good thing. It means I'm more pleasant to be around, but it also means that some of the time I become sly, and persuasive and very, very charming when I want to be. I'm telling you this now because I'm lucid, and because seducing you even the smallest amount felt wrong."
"Oh thanks!"
"Alex, please, let me finish. I won't always feel bad about it. The lucidity comes and goes in waves, and even if I try to warn you, you won't always know when it's over. Never trust me, at least not for a few weeks. Even just then, part of me enjoyed stringing you along, because the man I want to be and the man I used to be are still fighting for control. And fine, if I'm being honest, I may as well go the whole hog. We undoubtedly had an attraction before you died, and there's no questioning the fact that it's still there now in some small way. We'll address it when this is over," he said matter-of-factly, gesturing to the straps, "but for now, be under no illusion that the vampire in me will use it mercilessly to try to get you to let me out."
"So, basically, you're going to try to seduce your way out of the chair?"
"Not just that. I used that as an example because it's the technique I've had the most success with in the past. I've always had a problem with resisting the temptation where women are concerned, so I've had a lot of practice in making my conquests come to me. I know what I'm like, and here you are, beautiful and vulnerable, and ever so slightly attracted to me. You are, quite simply, a gift as far as the monster in me is concerned. But that won't be my only tactic. Between times like this, I'll try to lie, persuade and beg my way out of this chair at every opportunity. Neither of you are safe from that, but you are the one who is most at risk. And you're the one who will understand this best."
"Tom isn't stupid."
"No, but he is desperate for me to succeed. He'll see what he thinks is a step forward and he'll run with it. And that's very endearing, but it won't keep humanity safe from me. I have every confidence that you won't see the good in me so easily. You'll be more careful, because you've experienced first hand what's at stake." she put a hand to her neck subconsciously in remembrance "So I'm very sorry I had to do that to you, but believe me, that was gentle. The monster won't be."
"I suppose this whole situation is like a test for all of us. To find out how strong we are." She mumbled quietly.
"I have every faith in you both." He said honestly. She smiled slightly at that, and Hal felt guilty again. How much more pain would he have to inflict on them before they gave up?
"Speaking of faith, I realised just how heavily God features in "the twelve steps". Bet that'll put you off eh?" She said, clumsily changing the subject to a more comfortable topic. He almost laughed at the idea that religion was a more inviting topic of conversation for him, until he realised it was. Anything to get away from the heavy burden of guilt.
"On the contrary. I think it matters only how you interpret them. Is this you trying to bring up Step... what are we on now? Four?"
"Three. And yes, yes it is." She pulled a piece of paper from her jacket pocket and smirked at him, clearing her throat for dramatic effect. ""Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I'm not one hundred per cent sure what it all means, but basically you've got to put yourself in God's hands yea? Not exactly your cup of tea is it?" she chuckled at him. "Ah well, I suppose you don't actually have to follow them all."
"As I said, it's how you interpret them." he said thoughtfully. "Not that I'm comparing you to God again, but I suppose I have turned myself over into your care, you and Tom's. And seeing as you two are a big part of the reason I'm trying so hard, I think it does still count. Ironic as the religious side of it all is, it does strike a chord."
"Right, slow down. I'm still a little rusty on my posh English. First, agreed, I suppose you are in our care, terrifying as that thought is. I never really thought about kids, let alone suddenly finding myself with a five-hundred year old addict to baby-sit. On second thought, seeing as not five minutes ago you were fake seducing me to teach me some weird supernatural life lesson, maybe it's best if we skip that particular concept."
"Quite. Second?"
"Second, are we really that important to you? I mean, I get Tom, he's sweet and you're mates, but me? You hardly know me. Shouldn't you be focusing on wanting to keep humanity alive or some sentimental, heroic bullshit like that?"
"Since you forced me to watch Jeremy Kyle," he shivered slightly at the memory, "I've found it difficult to focus on that as a goal. But in all seriousness, the reason I try to remain sober always stays the same. I do it because I think I have a duty to society to try my hardest to fit in, given all that I've done wrong in the past. The two of you just make it easier. You remind me what it is to be human."
"But we're not. Not anymore." She glanced down at her lap, but Hal noted that her usual sadness at this realisation now seemed tinged with acceptance. She was getting used to idea of being a ghost, slowly but surely.
"You're close enough. Closer than I am. And I've always found this process much easier when I've had friends around me."
"So no one told you life was, gonna be this waaay." She sang suddenly, clapping her hands. He frowned at her questioningly. "Friends? Never heard of it? Of course not. Remind me to show you one day, you'll love it."
"I doubt it." He responded dryly, but smiled at her attempt to lighten the mood nonetheless.
He looked down at one of the straps holding his wrists in place and pulled against it lightly. He couldn't fathom why he felt so at home, so comfortable with the prattling girl. Actually, he felt almost... happy. That wasn't right. Being cooped up here was an injustice someone of his rank should not be subjected to.
"Are you alright?" Alex asked concernedly. His head snapped up to look at her, startled by the unexpected noise.
"Yes, just feeling a little claustrophobic. Time to batten down the hatches I think." He gave her a knowing look and she nodded, grasping what he meant. His moment of clarity was coming to an end, to be replaced for a while with the cunning schemes of a desperate addict. Still, he thought, at least he had had a chance to let her know what they were in for. He had felt it coming for days, knowing from experience that it was on the cards. It hadn't stopped him from denying it though.
"So are you feeling up to any more food?" Alex asked experimentally.
"If I say yes, will you let me out?"
"Hal..." she warned.
"Just checking."
