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Fairyfinder - They were awful, weren't they? Some people just don't know how to laugh at themselves. No matter, for there is very large adventure in store for our friend Gwen. Thank you so much, I hope you do find it thrilling! :)


As my eyes began to open, light filtered through and blinded me. I squinted and grunted and lifted a hand before my eyes. The sound around me was filtered through something fuzzy; I could hear but I couldn't hear individual phrases or words. I felt vibrations on the floor - I was on the floor - there were people here. People all around me, lots of people. Lots of vibrations, lots of fuzzy shouting.

Then the sound began to filter through clearer and I started picking up phrases.

"She's awake!" someone hissed.

"She's awake?"

A collective shushing came from the crowd; it occurred to me that this room was incredibly full. And, whoever they were, were all watching me.

I tried opening my eyes again and found the light much more forgiving. My vision was a little blurry; I saw shapes of figures before me, but couldn't discern them. They were... small. Small people... with large heads and elongated ears and long, bony fingers...

My vision began to sharpen and I gasped.

Horrid, ugly, miniature creatures stood before me, gawking. Their bloodshot, yellowed eyes probed mine with an interest I found unsettling. They wore rag-like clothing that matched their mud-colored, wrinkly skin. They were like nightmarish goblins out of a Grimm Brothers' story tale book, and they were all crowded around me as though I were a new exhibit at the museum.

One glance around told me I was in some sort of castle-like room, judging from the old-stone walls and the shimmering knights suits standing near the back wall. I glanced down and saw I was in a type of large circular divot in the stone floor; a pile of straw had been laid underneath me, like a makeshift bed.

"She's pretty," a deep, stupid voice said from the back, making me look up.

"Shut up!" all the goblin-like-things said in unison.

How hard did I hit my head? I wondered idly.

A silence passed as they continued staring, and I decided that, since I was either suffering from a concussion or going insane, I might as well take control of this weird, probably coma-induced fantasy.

"Um, hey there," I said gingerly. The goblins gasped, as though they were shocked I had the ability to speak. "Uh, where am I?"

The goblins glanced at each other in confusion and awe.

"Why, you're in the Labyrinth, of course," a voice boomed from behind me. I started and turned quickly. A man with flamboyant blonde hair, clad in a dark brown corset with a white undershirt with trim that overflowed over the corset stepped into the room. He wore grey tights with tall, black boots; the whole outfit felt medieval and authoritative. But the man's face looked familiar.

Damn concussion dreams, gotta make everything so damn difficult to remember, I thought grudgingly.

"Well, this dream is great and all but I'm just going to wake myself up, if you don't mind," I announced. I pinched myself on the arm, hard, squinting tight.

I opened my eyes and saw the sereny hadn't changed. The man in the medieval outfit stood by the door he'd walked in through, staring at me in bewilderment. I pinched myself again, squinting harder, but when I opened my eyes I still hadn't awoken.

"Well, I must be comatose then," I thought aloud, mumbling. "Well, this sucks. I couldn't have had Netflix in my comatose dream, nope, because that's apparently too much to ask for."

"What are you mumbling about?" the man asked, stepping towards me. His heeled boots made a click, click, click on the stone floor.

"Did I mumble?" I asked. "Sorry, it's a habit. I'm just trying to figure out this dream, that's all. Just... keep being dream-like, I guess. Don't mind me."

The man gazed down at me from the edge of the divot, making me feel very small. Something about his amused smile sparked deja vu in my head.

"Oh, how could I not mind you, my love?"

I stared at him in annoyed surprise.

"Excuse me?"

The man blinked at me, surprised as well. The goblins were watching our exchange like an exciting tennis match.

"You honestly think this is a dream?"

"Yeah, pretty much... because it is."

"You know, you asked me to bring you here. I was only doing as my queen commanded."

I stared at him, mouthing 'queen' in confusion when it hit me. The booing and the angry business man, the pain in my head and the red on my hand, running away, then I said...

I looked down at my hands to see they were their normal pale tone; no dried blood to be seen. I felt underneath my nose; completely clean. It occurred to me that even my head felt normal; no pounding in my temples, no swirling vision.

"No need to worry, dear Gwen," the man said regally. I scrambled to my feet, feeling my heart race faster. "I saw to your needs. You are good as new." His eyes gazed through mine lovingly; it all hit home like the inevitable dawning of the sun.

"Oh, no," I said aloud, glancing at the stone floor, then at the goblins who were looking increasingly uncomfortable. I looked back up at the man I knew to be Jareth and my heart dropped. "Oh, shit."

"Love, what's wrong?" Jareth asked, his forehead creasing with concern. He extended a hand to me.

"Just... stay away," I snapped, swatting his hand away. He pulled it back, gazing at me like how a scientist would gaze at an organism acting strangely under the microscope. "Just... just let me deal, okay?"

"Alright, go and deal," Jareth said, emphasizing the word that was tripping him up. I turned from him and stepped out of the divot and ran my hands through my hair.

It's real, it's all real and I'm here because I said the words and oh shit I'm in such deep shit oh shit shit shit!

I spun around to see Jareth and the goblins all gazing at me in confused awe.

"Okay, there's been a huge misunderstanding," I announced, struggling to retain my sanity.

The goblins glanced at Jareth with deepening concern and excitement, like spectators at a hockey game that are anticipating a smack down.

Jareth noticed his minions' glances and gazed back at me. Something flickered behind his eyes, but it was gone before I could see it.

"Misunderstanding? Please elaborate."

Oh shit, he's pissed, I thought. It was obvious in his voice, though he was trying to sugar coat it with his sophisticated vocabulary and gentlemanly manners. I took a steady breath, feeling a little faint. Am I going insane? This is all real, but how can it be? I must be insane, right?

"When I said... what I said, y'know, I didn't exactly mean it," I said slowly, trying to let him down gingerly.

"But you said the words!" one of the goblins piped up. Jareth stared at him, but didn't seem to be reproaching him; the goblin, seeing Jareth wasn't not telling him to shut the hell up, continued, "You said, 'I wish the goblins would take me away right now,' those are the words!"

"I gave you an escape, Gwen," Jareth explained, walking into the circular divot. The goblins immediately hopped out of the divot so that it was only me and Jareth; I half-expected one of the ugly things to start yelling, "Aaaaaare you ready to ruuuuuum-buuuuuuuuuull!"

"Okay, lemme put this in perspective," I began, holding up defensive hands. Jareth stopped advancing and folded his arms, definitely peeved. "Y'know how in Beetlejuice, when the people say Beetlejuice's name more than three times, it's normally by accident? Like they're just talking about the guy and then - BAM!" The goblins around the divot all jumped, startled and began to giggle. It was like some kind of messed up comedy show. "- The bastard shows up! Nobody asked him to come, but he did because the people said the exact words. You get my drift?"

Jareth seemed to consider what I said, pursing his lips in thought. It briefly crossed my mind that I'd sat on the bus next to this guy and had had a conversation with him. And I'd thought he was pretty chill, if not very eccentric... the thought made me inwardly smirk at the irony.

"I know not of what you reference," Jareth began finally, his regal voice echoing in the chamber. From behind him, I suddenly noticed a throne draped in brown cloth (Oh shit, does that belong to Jareth? Oh shit, I hope not). "But I see where your misunderstanding lies. You think I came because of the mere fact that those words summon me. I can refuse that if I wish, I am the Goblin King."

My blood chilled. This really is real. And he's the king and I'm arguing with him and oh shit...

"You see, dear Gwen," he continued, striding towards me again. I hastily stepped out of the circular divot and stumbled backwards with his every definite step forward. "I came and retrieved you because I am in love with you, and I could not stand to you in such awful grief."

I suddenly wanted to vanish into thin air or dig a hole deep in the earth and just die there. My cheeks heated up and my hands felt clammy.

Oh, holy awkward. Holy freakin' awkward situation.

"Um, Your Majesty, sir," I began gingerly, trying to sugar coat this as much as possible. Jareth grinned broadly at 'Your Majesty' and stopped advancing, to my relief. "You do realize I'm engaged... to another man? In the... what's it called in the book? Aboveground? Yeah, we've been engaged for a year, we're getting married next summer... so, um, I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me but I'm sorry, I'm not... I'm taken."

I expected sudden anger, shouting and throwing of objects or charging goblins, and all sorts of chaos. But, to my shock and great unease, Jareth merely laughed. It was a cold, mirthless laugh that sent shivers down my spine and chilled my bone to the marrow. I suddenly wished I wasn't stuck in a room with this strange man with strange kingship.

"Oh, I am well aware of your beau Mark Jennings. Or, should I say, ex-beau? No matter, we shall deal with labels later-,"

"Excuse me," I interrupted, suddenly irate. "What is this 'ex' business? Are you forcing me into marriage?"

Jareth gave another short laugh of amusement.

"Oh no, my dear. I shall not force you to do anything you do not wish to do. I was merely stating the otherwise obvious aftermath if you hadn't called out to me."

A collective 'oooh' passed through the goblin horde as their eyes passed from Jareth to me. Fire erupted within me and my cheeks felt a different type of heat. My jaws clenched and my fists balled as I strode towards Jareth indignantly.

"You narcissistic son of a bitch!" I hollered.

"Watch your language, love," Jareth admonished, putting a gentle hand on my cheek. His skin was cold against my flaming cheek; I was positive my face was bright red. "Great queens never curse."

Something inside my head snapped and-

SMACK! the sound resounded around the chamber and all of the goblins gasped and a few screamed. The power of the smack had forced Jareth's head to the side and messed up his hair. He turned his face slowly to mine and his mismatched eyes were filled with an unbelievable fire that sent fear to the depths of my soul. Yet I stood firm, lips tight and body unmoving.

This is where I die. He'll execute me or the goblins will eat me alive or something. Well, Gwen, it's been nice knowing ya. We had a nice run, you and I.

Jareth took a step towards me, dissolving the distance between us. He towered over me, a full head taller, and looked down at me intimidatingly.

"You wish to see your fiance again? Then solve my labyrinth and make it out through the beginning and I shall set you free. But mark my words, dearest Gwen, if you should fail, you shall never leave. I will forgive this one transgression, but do know that I am not known for my mercy. Disrespect me once more, and I shall damn you to the Bog of Eternal Stench."

I know I should've felt happy or relieved or excited about this chance, but I only had an uncomfortable churning in my stomach. I didn't want to stay but the idea of leaving and facing whatever the hell was out there in that labyrinth... I could only imagine what that Bog thing was like, especially if it was like what it was in the book that my mom had always read to me.

"I accept," I said, despite my misgivings. "And I, Gwen Jackson, will sincerely pown your royal ass in front of your goblin entourage. Do take note of that, dearest Jareth."

Jareth scowled but there was a hint of amusement in his eyes. He waved his hand regally, calling, "Hogsnout!"

A short, fat goblin waddled up to him hurriedly, fear in his bloodshot eyes.

"Uh, I'm Hogsnout, sir," he squeaked in a voice so high pitch it didn't match his appearance.

"Lead Ms. Jackson to the exterior of the Goblin City but see to it that she receives no help from there on," Jareth ordered, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Aw, gee, thanks for the escort," I said sarcastically. "Because I honestly can't take care of myself."

"It is not you I am worried about," Jareth replied in an undertone before taking a few steps back. It occurred to me that that was only meant for me; I glanced at the goblins and wondered how many of them were actually dangerous.

The squat little goblin named Weedsnout waddled up to me and gestured with a short, fat arm to the chamber door at the far end of the room.

"After you, Ms. Jackson," he squeaked. I took a glance backwards; Jareth had assumed his seat on his throne. We exchanged a confusing glance; it was contemptuous, angry, yet fearful and hopeful. He wished for my failure and I wished my for victory, but who was the real villain here?

I feel like such an asshole, I thought as Weedsnout led me out the door and down a steep, stone staircase. Jareth cured my headache and wiped up my blood and everything, but he's still been quite the asshole, too. If I fail, we'll be assholes united. The United Association of Assholery. Association even has 'ass' in it... I feel like the irony of the world is out to get me.