LOVE IS A QUIET VOICE
By
AllyinthekeyofX
CHAPTER FOUR
It takes a while for Scully to stop crying and all the time she keeps her head burrowed in my chest, hiding herself from me, refusing to show me her tears and although I know that I could force her to confront this part of her that, for reasons only she knows, she is just so ashamed of, I respect her far too much to force her. The fact she trusts me enough to allow herself to shed tears in my presence is frankly, all the validation I need right now. And so I just let her do what she needs to do, feeling the warmth of her as she shudders in my arms, her small hands clenched in to fists against my chest, not bothering to hold on to me because she knows that I'm holding her tightly enough for both of us.
I don't really know how long we stay in that same position or how long she cries, my only focus is on her and on letting her ride this out because I suspect it's been a long time coming, this release that is so very much needed and it's strange but I think it's a release I also need. I've been tiptoeing around her for far too long, afraid to say the wrong thing, to do the wrong thing, allowing us to keep a distance between us that neither one of us knew how to adequately bridge; the Cancer living inside of her defining every aspect of our relationship even as it drove us apart. And so I just hold her, whispering soft words of reassurance in to her hair, platitudes that we have both used so many times to comfort and give affirmation to each other.
How long I have loved this woman I don't know; it wasn't something that happened on any conscious level, wasn't ever something I either wanted or expected to happen but I do vividly remember one morning at work I just looked across at her and suddenly couldn't imagine life without her. That without me noticing, she had silently and completely woven herself in to the threads of my fractured life and made me more complete than I ever hoped I would be. To be faced with losing her now is unthinkable which is probably why it's been so easy to deny to myself and to her that her fight is real and maybe we both know now that it's a fight she can't hope to continue battling alone, sinking deeper and deeper in to herself until there is just nothing left. I can't let that happen to her; can't let it happen to us.
Her cries have stilled now although she still rests her head against my shirt, a shirt that is now damp against my skin, soaked through by the cleansing tears she has shed and slowly, gradually, she is coming back to me. I feel it in the subtle movements, as she uncurls her fingers and flattens them against my chest, allowing her to centre once again before she finally levers herself away from me, lifting her eyes to meet mine; eyes that are still bloodshot and puffy from crying for so long but to me, those eyes have never looked so beautiful because for the first time in months she isn't hiding anything from me and even though I see pain reflected back at me, a pain that lives inside both of us, I can also see a semblance of peace and even though I know she is hurting, she allows just a ghost of a smile which lifts her expression and lightens my soul in equal measure.
"Hey"
And I smile back, sliding my palms to cup her face, feeling the sharp contour of her jaw beneath my fingers as I gently smooth the residual tears from her skin, dropping a kiss to her forehead, right above the spot where her cancer resides, because maybe, just maybe, if I kiss her enough right there I will somehow excise it from her and she won't leave me.
"Hey back... You okay?"
I half expect her to answer automatically, to go right to that verbal fall- back that started all this in the first place and I'm not sure how I will react if she does. But for once, just for once she doesn't hide from me. Instead she shifts slightly to the side and leans against me again, closing her eyes as her response floats from her on the back of a sigh.
"I'm tired."
For some reason the honesty of her words tighten my chest and just for a second I am completely transfixed by the sight of her lashes, their delicate colour rich against her pale skin as she lays herself bare to me for probably the very first time in our complicated relationship, because at least for today, she trusts me enough to fall asleep in my arms, trusts me enough to take care of her while she sleeps; it is a truly humbling moment, one that elates me even as it steals my breath and momentarily stills my heart and as she sleeps against me, she relaxes fully for the first time, not even awakening when the first tear slides down my face and settles in her hair.
XXXX
EPILOGUE
It's another beautiful day and across the office, in her usual spot, Scully is bathed in the golden summer sunlight that filters through the skylight, a million glittering dust motes dancing and swirling around her and today, she looks whole once more.
By the time we both awoke yesterday, the shadows had lengthened and the whole apartment was consumed by that peculiar half-light that signifies that daylight is fading. If Native American folklore is to be believed, it's considered the most mysterious time of day, a time where we hover between this world and the next, a time when anything is possible and where magic is real. And as I lay there, with Scully spooned against my back, our bodies fitting together like pieces of a jigsaw that, in some unfathomable way, were meant to always find each other through the darkness, I truly felt a sense of wonderment. Because even if I don't always understand exactly my purpose in this life, I realise perhaps for the first time that I am destined to love her. For a day or a week or a month or years that turn in to a lifetime, we are meant to be together and by the feel of her fingers entwined with mine, holding on to me even in sleep, I know she feels it too; that through all the pain and the fear and the heartache, if we can only learn to listen to each other, to hear each other even when our voices are quiet, somehow we will be okay.
We talked last night. Really talked and I think in a small way we began to heal each other, to make amends for things past that simmered and burned within both of us, the harsh words, the unthinking words, the words we should have said but hadn't, all finally being acknowledged and then discarded. We talked of our hopes and our fears and at times we both cried at the bitter injustice of it all; but amidst the fear we also found laughter again and the laughter somehow chased the tears away.
In the soft light of Scully's apartment we connected again, discovered that really, we had been there the whole time that we just had to open our eyes enough to find each other; two lost souls who belong together, just like it's meant to be; just like it's always been.
And suddenly she is looking at me, watching me watching her and she smiles that soft smile at me that speaks a thousand words just for me, words I had forgotten how to hear; expressions of love, spoken in a voice so quiet that they are easily missed and just as easily crushed, because just for a moment her eyes are so full of sorrow that I forget to breathe, before just as quickly, her expression lifts again and she chases away the shadows.
"You okay Scully?"
And I know, I know before she even speaks, what her response will be
"I'm fine."
But today that's okay. Because just for today, right at this moment, I know it's the truth.
End
Notes – Thanks for reading. I think it was at this point in the show that they both really began to recognise that their feelings went far, far deeper than simple friendship or even physical attraction. I hope you enjoyed my take on it. For many reasons it's one of my favourite periods in the show's history and I think my favourite to write. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review if you can.
Ally x
