I just wanted to thank all of you who are reading this. It makes my day knowing people seem to like it. The information about Sam's childhood comes from John Winchester's Journal by Alex Irving.
Chapter 4 Burning Bridges
Castiel stood beside Dean's bed, staring down at the man as he slept. He couldn't help but notice how much younger he looked while he slept, though he had also noticed the same thing happened to Sam so he guessed it was a human thing. Still, he looked different, more at peace. The angel turned his head to the side, worry drawing lines on his face.
He knew it was all his fault. Anything that Dean had said earlier that evening was a lie. He knew that the only reason the man thought he liked the angel in more than a platonic way was because Cas felt that way towards him and Dean was only feeling that through the Grace that was within him.
The man had once asked him if he had ever done any 'cloud seeding' and he had told him he had never had occasion. It was true, Castiel was had not been with anyone, angel or human, did not mean he did not have urges... He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot thinking about the diner and what had been said when the two returned. Of course it had been Cas' feelings that shone through, not Dean's.
Nervously, he rubbed the back of his neck. He needed to ask somebody. Who would know about things like this? As far as he knew he had been the only one to attempt it but he had to try, didn't he? He had to know the truth- was Dean only feeling what the angel felt through the Grace they shared or was it possible that the hunter also had feelings for him in return? He knew who he had to talk to about this.
With a rustle of wings, Castiel was gone.
Heaven Of course he would be here, it was his home after all, no matter what he said. Everything was so white and pristine it was almost blinding in comparison to the dirty dark world of the mortals. He knew that the one he needed to console with frequently returned to Heaven though technically it was no longer his home. Castiel knew exactly where to find him.
The realm of angels was much bigger than Earth, hundreds of times so, and was the perfect place to hide if you knew where to go. Even from the other angels. The niche was carved between two realms by angel magic, vaguely he wondered if Gabriel had made it. He had never asked. Entering the realm he saw the angel who he sought. Of course he would be here.
"Balthazar." His brother was laying in a hammock, swaying slightly, enjoying the simple outdoor scene before him.
"Ah, Castiel!" Balthazar sat up slightly, watching as his younger brother approached. "I wondered when you would come along, asking for my support in this war." He smiled ever so slightly. "The answer is no." He laied back down, his hands resting behind his head/
"That is not what I have come to ask." Castiel looked around quickly, making sure they were alone. "I have come to speak to you about Dean."
Balthazar stopped the hammock from swinging with a snap of his fingers. "Let me guess, you are infatuated with him?" Castiel looked away from the direction of his brother. Of course he would already know.
Balthazar waved dismissively. "Come on, I could smell the pheromones from the two of you up here." He let out a small laugh. Castiel's eyes went wide, just the way Dean's did when he had been caught in a lie or doing something he knew he should not have done. The elder angel continued, "I'm going to assume that you have not come to brag so it is safe to say that you have come for advice."
Cas sat on the grass and let out a long sigh. "When I raised him from perdition I used my Grace to repair him..." The memory of Dean suspended from meat hooks, his body and soul broken, screaming for his brother made him pause.
"And you want to know if his feelings are yours." Balthazar got out of his hammock preferring next to his little brother in the grass. He gave Cas a confused look for a moment before realization had dawned on him. "Oh yes, I forgot that you were innocent."
Castiel looked down at the ground beneath him. "Why is that?" His brother asked, Cas could feel the smirk that he was sure was on his face.
"Never had occasion." Cas muttered. His hand went back to his neck. Balthazar lifted a questioning eyebrow but let it drop.
"So what did you want to know?" Castiel glanced up at his brother,
"I only wished to know if it was possible if he is only experiencing my emotions." He absently picked at the grass.
Balthazar thought about it for a long moment. "How much Grace did you use?"
"Enough to repair his body, mind, and soul." The elder of the two pulled a face that rivaled a sturgeon's.
"I wouldn't worry too much about it. Sure it was enough to bond the two of you but not enough for him to pick up on your need. There would have to be some part of him that feels the same or he wouldn't act on it. After all Dean Winchester is a passionate man," he let out a laugh," if you are a woman. Your vessel is good looking but you are lacking certain appendages if you know what I mean." He laughed again. Angels were neither male nor female, something the human's did not understand.
Castiel sighed before standing once again. "Thank you, brother."
With the fluttering of wings, Castiel was gone.
Balthazar let out a low whistle. "What do you know, little Cassie's in love."
...
Dean couldn't sleep. Everytime he closed his eyes Sam stared back, his eyes dead and a cruel smile on his lips. He didn't want to be the one who put a bullet in his brother's head but he knew if Sam's rampage continued it would have to be him. He knew he would be the one who had to put the end to all of the unnecessary deaths the Campbell's had caused. He didn;t need to dream about it as well.
He sat up in bed, rubbing a hand down his face. Glancing at the alarm clock sitting beside his bed he let out a groan. It was only three. Dragging himself out of bed, he made his way to the bathroom. With a fluttering of wings, Castiel was behind him.
"Hello, Dean." Not expecting it, the hunter jumped, clutching his chest.
"Cas!" Dean turned to face the angel, hand still over his heart as it pounded. "You really need to work on not sneaking up on people." Cas gave him a sideways look. Turning back around to face the toilet Dean mumbled something along the lines needing a moment to be human.
Castiel backed out of the bathroom, giving the hunter his he forgot that humans needed to do things angels did not need to do. Using the bathroom was one of those things. He sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for Dean to finish.
Could Balthazar be right? He couldn't help but wonder if it were possible that Dean really did have feelings toward him. Sometimes it felt as if he did not deserve the man's affections. He couldn't stand not knowing. He supposed it could be possible, after all he did not use much Grace... Dean walked in, interrupting the angels thoughts. Cas looked up, noticed Dean was only wearing his underwear, and looked back down at his hands.
"How are things in Heaven?" The hunter asked, sitting at the edge of his own bed.
"I went to visit Balthazar. I did not check on the war." Cas said, not looking up from his hands. Dean wanted to push the subject but thought better of it by the intense look on the angel's face. Whatever Balthazar had said it must not have been very good.
They sat in silence for a short while, each reflecting on his own thoughts. Cas still worrying that Dean could never really love him; Dean on the thoughts he had driving back from the Diner.
...
Around five Dean did fall back to sleep. Sam threatened to invade his dreams again but Castiel kept the nightmares away with a touch of the forehead.
He was back in the field again, Castiel's star still dominating the sky as if no time had passed. He sat on the hood of the Impala, a beer in one hand. He stared up at the sky, marveling at the miracle before him. It was beautiful, breathtaking. A part of him. It was a strange feeling knowing that something bigger than life was a part of him. It made him feel very small.
"From what I understand, the last person to have Grace within her was the Virgin Mother, and that was temporary." Suddenly Cas was beside Dean, also looking at the sky. That piece of information made him feel special, but still insignificant in comparison to a sun, and an angel of the Lord.
Not for the first time, Dean questioned the fate of his family. Why did it always have to be them? Why couldn't they have the apple pie life while some fool who wanted to be a hunter got stuck with all of the 'glory'? Why did it always have to be a Winchester?
"You won't like the answer." The angel did not look away from the sky but Dean got shivers thinking that he could read his thoughts. With a sigh, Castiel looked at his hands. "When the Earth was born my Father asked us, his perfect children, to bow before his newest creation- man. They were flawed in many ways, including murderous as we saw from Cain killing his brother Able. The angels, believing they had no free will, did as Father asked and bowed before man. All of the angels with the exception of Lucifer." Castiel looked up from his fingers but did not look at Dean. ""Lucifer loved God more than anything and was always singing his praise. He was God's favorite, the most beautiful of us all. When he denied God, refused to bow before something as filthy and weak as man, Michael sought a fight in attempt to prove his devotion to his Father. God intervened, promising Lucifer no harm would come to him if he bowed before man and loved them. Lucifer denied once more. He could not bring himself to love anything the way that he loved God. He was cast out of Heaven and God promised Michael, during the end days he would be granted the fight he had sought." Cas paused remembering the events.
"Not that I'm not grateful for the history lesson but what does that have to do with us?" Dean asked, looking at the angel as if he had never seen him clearly before. Why was it that he kept forgetting how old and powerful his angel was?
"Because God promised something to Lucifer as well. When the time came he would fight his brother he would have a vessel. A vessel that would be just for him. A vessel that would not fit any other angel the way it would Lucifer." Cas finally looked at Dean. "Sam."
"What?"
"Yes, Sam. Another Winchester would be the vessel for Michael. A brother. We did not know about Adam so we had assumed it was you.
Dean's mind reeled. Sam was Lucifer's true vessel? Is that why Nick was falling apart? "You mean the way Jimmy is your vessel?"
"I have no true vessel. No other angel does. Anyone of his blood line would do- his daughter for example. Lucifer is the only one." He gave Dean another soul searching look.
The more he thought about it the more it made sense. As a child so many things had happened to him. The Shtriga, Miss Lyle kidnapping him, Silas, Anderson, the skinwalker... His thoughts were going too fast to focus on the details. A migraine began to form behind his left eye. preferring not to think about it any longer, Dean took a drink of his forgotten beer and looked at the sky. Was it just him or did the star seem to be brighter?
Cas continued to stare at the older Winchester, pieces of his conversation with Balthazar replaying in his mind. 'Dean Winchester is a passionate man.' He was passionate wasnt he? Strong? Compassionate. Loving. 'I could smell the pheromones from here.' Was it that obvious? How many of his other brother's knew? 'There would have to be, at least, some part of him that feels the same way.'
Cas watched Dean take another drink, paying attention to the way his lips formed around the bottle. When the man lowered the bottle Cas quickly grabbed the side of his face, turned it to face him and pressed his lips against Dean's.
Dean couldn't deny he liked the way Castiel's lips felt against his. He didn't mind the fact they were chaste, it was still nice. When Cas tried to pull away, Dean kept him close using the angel's tie as leverage
And he woke up.
Rubbing his eyes, Dean sat up. Castiel was standing beside the bathroom door, his eyes wide and unruly black hair even more out of control than normal. "I can not do this to you." He wrang his hands, eyes darting all over the room.
Dean kicked off the blankets before striding across the room. "Cas! Cas, what's the matter? What's wrong?"
"It's my Grace." Cas backed himself against the wall. "You are feeling what I am through my Grace. These feelings are mine, not yours." His lower lip trembled before a tear escaped. Dean wiped it away using his thumb.
"Listen Cas, I'm not going to deny that this is strange. I have never been attracted to a man the way that I am attracted to you. actually, I've never been attracted to a man," he smiled. "But they are my own feelings. I know it." He had rested his hand on the angel's cheek but he moved it lower toward his chin, using his thumb to slightly open Castiel's mouth, before claiming his lower lip as his own.
He'd show Cas what he meant to him. He would prove his love.
There was no turning back, all of the bridges burned away.
I had planned a lemon for this chapter but I don't want to up the rating so I will add it as a separate entry.
