Chapter 4

Kate had told Captain Gates she would only stay a few hours that morning. She was finishing up the paperwork from the day before when Esposito joined her at her desk. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

"Kate... There's something I think you need to hear," he said waiting for her to follow him to the tech room.

An audio wave was shown on the screen of the computer. A two minute and forty seven seconds audio clip was ready to be played.

"What is it?" she asked as she sat down on a chair.

"Yeah, you better sit," Esposito warned her. "I was scanning the calls that the dispatch center got at the time of the shooting... I came across this one. It's... You're ready?" he asked, his finger ready to push the space bar in order to play the recording.

Kate looked at him for a few seconds, not knowing what to expect. She eventually nodded softly, anxious.

"911. What's your emergency?"

"Shooting! Mass shooting at the Lincoln Center, send someone right now!" Kate recognized the voice immediately. Castle was yelling to cover the sound of the gun. "No, no, no..." she could hear Castle talk to himself. "God!" he yelled as another scream just stopped dead.

A look of horror crossed Kate's eyes and shivers ran through her backbone. Someone had just been shot. Sounds of bullets, of shattered glasses and of people screaming resonated in the back.

"Sir? Are you still with me?" the woman asked.

"It's a... tall man, about... thirty... A... machine gun. He's got another weapon at his hip. He walked from the entrance of the main room and... he's now heading to the back... I think."

"Sir, what's your name?" she asked, trying to keep a calm tone.

"Jesus!" he yelled as impacts could be heard very close. "Stay down, stay down!" he was yelling at someone else. "Hm... Richard Castle, my name is Richard Castle. Please send someone right now!" he said hurriedly.

"A SWAT team is on its way. We got several calls already." Only sounds of chaos was heard. No answer. "Sir? Do you hear me? Sir, do you hear me?" the woman at the end of the line repeated several times but she was getting no answer.

Beckett and Esposito looked at each other, worried, hanging on their every word. They finally heard his voice again.

"Stay with me... Pete! Stay with me... Damn it!"

"Sir?"

"I... He's..." he said apparently shaken.

"A SWAT team is on its way. Where are you?"

"Main room, Lincoln Center. I took cover behind a pillar but I... I don't know how long..." then they heard him curse when the sounds of fire got closer. "Hurry!"

"Are there any wounded?"

"Are you kidding! People are dropping... They're shot dead for Christ's sake!"

"I understand. We're doing everything we can. A team is on its way, Sir. Any security officers?"

They could hear Castle breathing heavily. He was probably taking a look around, scanning the room, looking for a guard.

"I... see one. He's down. I think he's... I think he's dead. He's not moving. Maybe I can... reach for his gun..."

"No," Kate said shaking her head, as though it was happening live and didn't want him to pursue this stupid idea.

"Sir, stay where you are. You stay hidden. You hear me? They're coming."

"Look... I..." Castle took a deep breath as the firing of the gun was once again getting closer and louder. "You tell my family-"

"Sir..."

"My daughter and my mother, that I love them. I... They are the world to me and that I'm so proud of my girl. Tell... Kate Beckett, NYPD, 12th... I love her. She's the love of my life and I'm sorry she has to go through this because of me..."

"Sir, we're gonna get you out of there. I'm told the team has arrived on the scene. They're almost there."

There were four seconds of complete silence. Then a shaky breathing.

"Please... don't..." Castle seemed to be talking with someone else. "You... You don't have to do this. Please..."

A blaring deflagration was heard before the busy tone resonated, as though the communication had been lost. Esposito pushed the space bar again before looking at Kate. She was sat there, looking down, gaping, with tears in her eyes.

"No wonder he's taking it so hard," Esposito broke the silence. "Friends of his got shot in front of his eyes. And he almost didn't make it. I really think he was-"

"Face to face with the shooter," Kate finished the sentence, looking up at him, flabbergasted.

Esposito nodded, agreeing with her theory. Who else would he have said that to?

"I think he was begging him not to shoot. What we hear after that... could be the killer being neutralized by the SWAT team. It fits with their report. He was aiming at someone when they took him down."

# # #

Something about that place was making him nervous. Was it the guns? Was it the blaring sirens? Or just the fact that it was the first time he was stepping out of the loft since it had happened? He couldn't tell. He had come here regularly for over five years. But this time it was different. Everything was feeling different. Castle reluctantly walked in the precinct, looking around him as though he was watching his back. Some officers would stare at him as he passed by them. Something was different about him too. When he got off the elevator, he saw Esposito and Beckett talking at her desk. They stopped when they noticed him.

"Hey buddy, how are you holding up?" Esposito asked concerned.

"Really, Espo?" he asked, emotionless. "What does it look like?"

Esposito felt uncomfortable. He realized he needn't have asked. It spoke for itself. Castle was only the shadow of himself. No smart-ass comment, no joke, not even the hint of a smile. He hadn't shaved for two days and his red eyes betrayed his exhaustion. They were a sign that he hadn't slept much for the past two days. No suit, he was just wearing a T-shirt with an old checkered shirt and a jeans. It was not the well-dressed gentleman they were used to seeing. Esposito gave a quick look at Beckett before leaving them alone.

"Hey," Kate said softly. "You're okay?"

"You wanted to see me?" Castle asked gently before startling and turning around in a flash when he heard a man scream.

It was a suspect who was not willing to be put into custody. Nothing more. Castle's heart was racing. Kate noticed. She knew all too well what he was experiencing. When he looked back at her, she gave him an awkward smile, as to let him know she knew what he was going through. Then she simply headed to the conference room, knowing he would follow her.

"What is it?" Castle asked when he saw Esposito waiting in the room.

"There's... something we think you should see," Kate said as she closed the door behind him.

Kate slowly walked to the monitor. She took a DVD to put in the VCR.

"What is that?" Castle asked defensively.

"It's the video footage of the surveillance cameras inside the Lincoln Center. We think-" Esposito explained.

"I don't want to see it," Castle cut him off. "Kate, don't," he said as she was about to put the disk inside the VCR. "I don't want to see it!" Castle exclaimed. "Stop it," he said walking to the monitor as she was ignoring his request. He slammed his hand against the TV to turn it off. "I said stop it!"

Castle stood there shaking his head to stress his refusal.

"Rick..." Kate said very softly.

"You don't think I see it enough? Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I see it over and over again all day long... all night long, and you know that," he said looking deep into her eyes.

He couldn't find sleep. She was well aware of this. How many times already had she been awaken by his gesticulation? How many times already had she woken up in the middle of the night only to find Castle sat on the couch or standing looking through the window? He didn't need to see more of it. He just wanted to forget it. Once and for all.

Kate followed Castle as he walked off, calling him back but he kept walking, heading to the corridor leading to the exit. The same one where she had brought him comfort and coffee when Alexis had been abducted. He just wanted to go home.

"Castle, please-" she said.

"I'm not a cop," he told her abruptly as he eventually turned around. "And I'm not a military guy. I'm a civilian, I'm a writer boy. I've... I've followed you around for years and I've seen some pretty gory stuff but..." he said, not being able to say more for a moment. He shook his head in disbelief. "When you see a gunman walking inside a room and shooting at everything he gets..." he said, once again, unable to finish his sentence. "I hid behind a pillar, Kate. I... hid... behind a pillar," he stressed looking her in the eyes, "while others... friends... were getting shot. You really think I need to see more of that?" he asked, with a quivering voice.

"That's not all you did," Kate said very softly, almost whispering. Castle looked at her questioningly. He didn't know what she was talking about. "You don't remember, do you?" she asked keeping a very calm tone, seeing Castle's look of incomprehension. "When Pete Daniels got hit, you jumped for cover," she confirmed. "Then you went back to pull him aside when the shooter headed to the back of the room..."

They both stayed silent for a moment. Castle was trying to search for an image in his memory that would confirm that. He couldn't find it.

"Doesn't matter, he was dead."

"You didn't know that at the time. Castle, you say... that you're not a cop, you're not a military guy? Maybe not. But you acted like one. Because that's what we do. When one of ours is hit, lying on the ground, we go back for him. And that's what you did. That's what a cop does, that's what a military guy does when a brother in arms is lying wounded on the ground," she said pointing to her left. Esposito was standing there in silence. He simply gave Castle a nod to confirm her words. She was right. He had experienced it several times in the military. "That's what you did. And I've got proof of that on video," she added.

"All I know... All I remember... is that I hid behind a pillar," he repeated softly.

"What did you want to do, Rick?!" Kate exclaimed. "You didn't have any gun, you didn't have any mean to respond to his attack!" she tried to reason him. "He had a machine gun! What, you wanted to wave your arms around and jump up an down to draw his attention so he wouldn't kill people?!"

"You did everything you could, bro," Esposito said softly as he got closer. "And more than what other people would have done."

"Wasn't enough," he answered.

"You called 911. We have the recording. You gave plenty of details. You tried to stay as collected as you could be in a situation like that," Esposito added.

"You... You what?" he asked not believing his ears. "What are you talking about? I didn't..." Castle couldn't even remember he had made a call.

"Rick," Kate said taking his hand in hers. Esposito took it as a cue to leave and let them together to have a more private conversation. "I'm here. We'll all here to help you through that. You know that. But you should talk to someone. A professional. It will help. Because it won't go away like that... And it certainly won't go away drinking," she said reminding him of the previous night. "Dr Burke is great. I'm sure he can help you with this, just like he helped me overcome my PTSD after my shooting," she said handing him a piece of paper with a phone number. "Please... give him a call."

To Be Continued...

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