CHAPTER THREE

The four of them arrived at Katie's house not long after they lost the police.  The house was nice and virtually as Murdock remembered it.  Spanish style and warmly decorated.  Not much had changed but he thought he could spot a few subtle differences here and there, probably the influence of the stepfather he thought sourly.

He looked in the direction of the kitchen and as if on cue, his stomach rumbled.  The Twinkie had filled the gap but not for long.

'You still hungry?'  Katie asked Murdock with a wry smile.

Face snorted in amusement.  'He's always hungry.'  He told her.

'Come on then fly boy, let's get you some food.'

'Why do you keep calling him that?'  BA asked in confusion.

'He's a pilot and it fits him.'  She answered but she seemed almost as puzzled as he did.

'Your mom used to call me that.'  Murdock told her smiling happily.

Katie just shrugged the remark off and went into the kitchen.  Face and Hannibal watched her carefully, both exchanged looks.  They were wondering just how much Katie was telling the truth when she said she couldn't remember.

'So, what do you want?'  Katie asked Murdock as he followed her into the kitchen.  'I can fix you a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly?'

Murdock's grin was answer enough.  He obviously liked the idea of a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly in particular.  'Ok then.'  Katie said.  'Peanut butter and jelly it is.  Feel free to let Billy out into the garden.'

'Thanks, he'll like that, he overheard Face when he was scamming to get me out of the VA.  He heard the word 'park' and he's been pestering me ever since.'

Katie reached up and took a key down from a hook by the toaster. 'Here, let him have a run around.'

Murdock opened the door.  'Go on boy.' 

Katie finished making the sandwich and putting it on a plate, she handed it to Murdock.  'Ummm.'  He said as he took a bite. 

'Go on take it in the other room, I'll let Billy back in.'

As Murdock left the kitchen Face entered.  'Hey Face, you want something to eat?  I don't have much but I'm sure I can find something for you.'  Katie smiled pleasantly at him.

'Peanut butter and jelly looks good thanks.'  The older man said leaning against the counter facing her.  'It's good that you play along with Murdock's games but you don't have to.'

Katie smiled to quietly.  'What did you really come in here to talk to me about Face?  It wasn't about Billy I'm sure.'

Face shrugged.  'Murdock's impressionable, he might act crazy and carefree but he's not.  He can get hurt easily.'

'And you think that's what I'm going to do?'  She put down the butter knife and turned to face him.  'Listen, I don't remember Murdock and the things he's told me but I do like him.  I like all you guys, he genuinely seems to remember, and I wish I could but I don't.  I'm sorry if that bothers you but there's nothing I can do.  I just want to focus on getting my mom away from that freak Carl.'

'And I understand that but I think that maybe it's not a case of not being able to remember but more likely that you won't remember.  You're still hurting over your dad's death and you've pushed all the memories away that contain him.  That includes Murdock, thinking about your dad is painful and Murdock was your dad's friend so it follows that you'd push away your memories of him as well.'

Katie shook her head angrily.  'You are way out of line and way off base.'

'I'm sorry but that's what I think.'

'Then you think wrong.'  She turned and walked out of the door and into the garden.  Feeling the cool caress of the breeze on her blazing hot cheeks calmed her down a little but not much.  She walked over to the large tree at the end of the garden where up in the branches a tree house still sat.  She climbed up and sat on the wooden platform looked down at the garden.  She closed her eyes.

It was a hot summer's day and she was eight years old again.  She was playing with her dolls when someone rang the doorbell. Her mother got up to answer it and Katie felt hope well up inside of her.  Maybe her daddy had come home early, that would be nice, and maybe he'd bring Murdock along with him. That would be better still.  She liked Murdock, he brought her ice cream and always played with her, never treating her as if she was just a child.

Katie's mom opened the door and standing up Katie could just see the figure of Murdock standing in the doorway.  Her mother smiled in delight to see him but the smile faded as she saw the folded uniform Murdock was carrying and the grief in his eyes.  Katie felt herself freeze, Murdock always smiled, always.  He never looked like this.

'Karen.'  He said but his voice sounded wrong.  'I'm so sorry.'  And Katie's mom crumbled to the floor sobbing.  Katie's eyes met Murdock's and she knew that her daddy wasn't coming back, not today, not any day.  She turned and ran through the house into the garden.  She scrambled up the tree and perched in the tree house.  Warm tears ran down her cheeks.  She closed her eyes but all she could see was her dad smiling down at her telling her that he'd see her soon, real soon.

Katie opened her eyes and looked round, the memory had faded.  She blinked and realised that she had been crying just as the eight-year-old Katie had been.  She understood with a jolt that Face had been right, she had been pushing away her memories of Murdock just as she had always pushed away her memories of her dad.

Reaching into the back pocket of her jeans, she pulled out the faded photograph of the team and her father.  She looked at Murdock smiling into the camera and knew what it was that had always seemed wrong.  He was wearing a uniform and Katie had only seen him wear his uniform twice in her life.  All the other times he'd worn his street clothes and always the brown jacket with the tiger's head on the back.

Twice she'd seen him wear the uniform, once on the day he'd come home from 'Nam to tell her mother that her husband was dead and then again on the day of the funeral.  She forced herself to remember that day, it didn't matter now how much it hurt, that day had happened, Murdock had been there and she owed it to him and to her father to remember it.

Katie opened her eyes to see Murdock sitting beside her.  'Hey.'  He said and her put an arm around her.  She closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder the way she always did with her father.

'Katie.'  He said and she knew what he was going to say next.

'Daddy's not coming back is he?'  She asked before he could speak again.

Wordlessly Murdock shook his head and Katie felt herself begin to fall apart inside.

'No, sugar pie, he's not.'  At any other time it would have made her laugh as it always made her laugh when ever he called her something that was related to food.  He had numerous nicknames for her and they always made her smile.  Today he was serious and withdrawn.

She looked up at him but his face was turned away from her.  She realised that he was crying, hastily he wiped the tears away from his cheeks.  She felt shocked, grown ups were supposed to be the strong ones, grown ups never cried, only little kids cried.  She remained quiet pretending that she hadn't seen.

***

Katie had been fine all through the funeral, even when they'd lowered the coffin into the ground, even when the guys had given the gun salute and folded up the flag.  Through all that she'd been fine, even back at the house she was fine, for a while anyway.

She stood with her mother greeting the guests, some of whom were teary eyed.  Nearly all of them had told her how strong and brave she was being, what a tragedy it was and how she should take good care of her mother.

They'd nearly all said the same thing up until Hannibal.  He crouched down to her height and smiled at her.  'Hey, kid.'  He said.  Katie liked Hannibal; she liked all of Murdock's friends.  'Your dad was a good man, I'm gonna miss him.'

Katie nodded dutifully.  'You take care of yourself, ok.'  He held out his hand and Katie shook it feeling a little better, at least he hadn't told her how brave she was being.

Next up was BA, the large black man got down to her height and ruffled her hair.  He didn't say anything but she saw it all written in his eyes.

After him came Face.  She hugged him warmly and he smiled at her sadly.  'Hey there, Katie.'  Still Katie didn't cry even though Face looked as if he might start at any minute.

'Hey.' She managed in a small voice.  That was all he said but it was enough.

Murdock came last, kneeling down and wrapping her in a hug.  She hugged him fiercely and he kissed her cheek the way he had her mother's.  That was all it took, she felt the tears start to fall and instantly felt guilty as her mother burst into tears as well.

As Face and Hannibal took her mother into the kitchen, Katie hid her face against Murdock's shoulder.  He looked round at all the people staring and decided enough was enough.  He picked her up and took her upstairs, BA following.

Murdock sat next to her on her bed and motioned for BA to close the door.  He looked annoyed.  'Did you hear 'em BA.'  He said angrily.  'Every single one of them staring.'  He was actually shaking with anger.  'She's eight years old...'

'Murdock.'  BA said inclining his head in Katie's direction.  She was staring at Murdock in amazement, her tears drying rapidly.

'Sorry sweetheart.'  He said.  'But they shouldn't have been saying those things and they certainly shouldn't make you think that you have to look after your mother.'

Katie sniffed and Murdock reached over and handed her the tissue box with the teddy bears on it.  The one her grandma had made her.  He wiped her eyes and tossed the tissue in the bin next to the bed.

'I shouldn't have cried.'  She said softly.  'I'm acting like a baby, now I'm made Mom upset.'

'Hey.'  Murdock told her.  'You aren't acting like a baby and you're mom is upset anyway, her crying isn't anything to do with you.'

BA sat down next to her.  'You go ahead and cry all you want little mamma.  We don't mind, there's nothing wrong in you crying, you miss your dad.'

'You're not crying.' She told BA boldly and Murdock chuckled softly.

'I don't cry.'  BA told her awkwardly.

'He's thinks he's too tough to cry but really he's a big cuddly teddy bear.'  Murdock grinned at her.

Katie managed a smile and Murdock put an arm round her.  'You gonna be ok?'  He asked her quietly.

Katie nodded. 'Maybe he'll come back, maybe it's all a mistake or maybe it's my fault, maybe I was bad and if I'm real good maybe they'll let him come back.  Or, maybe he has an important mission and can't let us know he's safe.'

'Don't you talk that way, you hear me.'  Murdock told her firmly.  'It wasn't because you were bad.  He's not coming back but that isn't because of anything you did.'

BA stood.  'I'm going downstairs, I'll see you down there.'  Murdock nodded and then turned to face Katie.

'Listen to me for a minute Katie.  I know I don't usually act serious but I am now, I don't want you thinking that this is your fault, sugar, 'cos it's not.  He wouldn't want you thinking that.  It's very sad but he'd want you to carry on doing all the things you normally do.  You can cry over him and not feel guilty about it, don't listen to those things they were saying to you down there.  You don't have to be brave or anything, this is really hard on you, you're so young and nobody should lose a parent at your age.'

Katie nodded teary eyed.  She wasn't used to Murdock being like this but she was glad he was here.  'Murdock, I'm glad you came.'

'I know.  There's something I wanted to ask you, I was going to wait until tomorrow but I might as well ask you now?'

Katie gave him her full attention. 'You know I've got go back to Vietnam in a couple of weeks, don't ya?'

'Yes, Mom said.'  She looked sad.  'I don't want you to go.'

'I don't really want to go either but I have to.  And I have to do something about my dog, Billy.  He's only little and he could get hurt.  I thought you could look after him for me.  Your mom won't mind because he's special, he's invisible.  He won't mess on the rug or anything.  All you've got to do is cuddle him every now and then and talk to him.  He gets scared easy see, he needs a little hug to make him feel better. Can you do that?'

Katie nodded gravely.  'I can do that.'

'Good, I'll bring him by before I leave.  Now lets go downstairs and see your mom.'

Katie nodded and jumped down from the bed and took his hand.

***

Katie took a deep breath and tried to get a hold of her feelings.  She was remembering it all so clearly, how could she have forgotten.  After her dad had died he'd been the only one to stick around, the others all had to go back to 'Nam.  He'd spent days just talking to her, making sure that she was ok, taking her for ice cream, telling her stories.  Above all he'd ask her if she remembered this and that her dad had done, making her talk about him and making sure she remembered him in the best ways possible.  He'd been great through the whole thing and she'd gone and forgotten that he even existed.

And what had happened, he'd come back from 'Nam and been sent to place for crazy people.  Murdock was crazy but it wasn't in a bad way.  Katie had a feeling that the only reason he acted as crazy as he did was so that they couldn't lock him up in prison and probably because he'd found out that acting crazy could be fun.  Still, Katie knew that he wasn't 100% sane but she knew that he wasn't 100% crazy either.

She climbed down from the tree house and stopped abruptly as she came to the place where her old swing set had been.  She remembered sitting here the day Murdock had brought Billy to here, the last day that she had seen him before he'd shipped out to 'Nam.  He'd brought Billy round, he'd told her to close her eyes and when she'd opened them the cutest little dog she'd ever seen was sitting on the grass in front of her.

Now she remembered how she'd felt when she'd said goodbye to him and she at last knew why it was that she'd forgotten him. It wasn't just because of Face's theory that he was a connection with her dad and all things connected to her dad were too painful to think of. It was because she didn't want to lose him the way she'd lost her father.  She knew that if anything happened to him and he didn't come back she would be devastated and wouldn't be able to handle it.  So she'd forgotten him, not all at once but little by little his memory had faded out and then she'd just stopped thinking about him altogether, the same way she stopped thinking about her father. 

A hand fell on her shoulder and she turned to see Murdock looking at her, he was 13 years older and in his eyes she could see the craziness that had meant that he was no longer allowed to be a member of society.  He had to be locked up and kept away because they thought he was insane.  She knew as she looked at him that she might well be looking at the sanest person she'd ever meet.  He acted the way he did because he couldn't handle the things he'd seen and done, he acted crazy because it was the only way to keep himself from dying inside.  She hugged him as fiercely as she had done on that dark day they'd buried her father.

'Hey, you ok?'  He asked concerned.

She nodded wordlessly against his shoulder.  She couldn't look at him, how much had she hurt him by not remembering?  How guilty did he feel for not coming back when he'd promised he would?  She understood now what he had meant when he'd said he wouldn't let anything happen to her mother or her.  She remembered him telling her but no one had ever told her how her father had died and she now had the chance to find out.  She raised her head and looked at him.

'How did he die, Murdock?'

Hope shone on his face as it dawned on him that she had remembered something after all.  He looked almost child-like as he grinned at her.

'You remember?'

'Maybe a little too well.'

Murdock sat down on the bench that now stood where her swing set had.  'It was a really bad day and his team took a lot of hits but not him.  He was ok throughout the whole mission.  I didn't fly with him, by then Hannibal had already recruited me for his team.  But I was worried because of the reports we were getting in.  I was relieved when he landed.  I went out to meet the chopper and as he stepped off it, Charlie opened fire.  He took a hit, real bad.  By the time I got to him he was already dying.  I tried to help him but it was just too late.  He died right there and the only thing he was thinking about was you and your mom.  He didn't care about anything else 'cept you guys.'

Katie sat for moment and then looked at him.  'Why did you come back Murdock, was it because you felt guilty?'

'Face came and got me, said we had a mission.  I didn't even know it was anything to do with you.'

'No, I mean why did you come back in 1970?  When Dad died, why did you come back?'

'Because I said I would, because I owed to him and I thought your mom should hear it from me rather than some stranger and because I was your friend and you needed me.'

The craziness was completely gone now and Katie realised that it wasn't easy for him to speak so seriously and so openly.

'That's all I needed to know.'  She got up but turned to him before going back into the house. 'I took good care of Billy you know.'

'I know, he told me, loves you to pieces don't you boy.'  He ruffled the dog's head and smiled goofily down at empty air.

Katie smiled.  'Let's get my mom back.'  She said and he stood up scooping Billy up as he did so.