Hero: Leorio
Far too often to pass it off as vagary, Leorio wishes he'd fallen in love with Kurapika sooner.
He has difficulty getting upset with himself over such a thing for two reasons: firstly, had he fallen any sooner it would have been for reasons different than the ones which he did end up falling, which he holds dear to his heart; secondly, had he fallen in love with him any sooner, well, he'd have still fallen - which was the crux of the problem to be sure.
Even so, he can't bring himself to regret that.
Love hadn't been immediate for Leorio, it had taken time to seed and sprout, albeit quickly once the initial affirmations of affection were in order. What had taken longer than the actual love was the realization of it, the recognition. Leorio had seen his affection as a deep bond of friendship, only noticing the undertones of a more wholly formed desire much, much later.
He'd managed to get most of the way through the Hunter Exam without noticing the difference in his feelings between Kurapika and the others. The first real sign had come after the mishaps of Trick Tower, which Leorio sometimes struggles to believe they had actually made it through, during their short break at the island hotel. The treasure hunt had been arguably his favorite part of the exam, the pure fun of it in the very beginning setting it aside from the rest. Kurapika, as Leorio would come to find was his usual self, seemed to know the names of each of the artifacts that made their way to the surface, spouting them off one after another. Leorio hadn't been as impressed as he should've been until later on, matching the blond's awe at the objects with his amazement at the boy.
Despite the immense amusement he got from watching the rest of the examinees run around and seek out alternative arrangements, even he'd had the presence of mind to known that something was bothering Kurapika, and what that something was.
This is where the contrition begins to seep in, a cold gray scale over what was meant to be a warm memory. He's not sure whether his actions had been a result of not knowing the blond well enough or were what caused them to eventually become closer. Either way, he can't help but wonder how things would have happened if he'd been firmer in stating his beliefs, if he'd been less accepting of the other's. That wasn't how it had happened, though, Leorio giving the Kurta a gentle push, earning the story of his people's mystery.
Kurapika had opened up to him that night, sharing details of his past, and more importantly, his feelings about it. Leorio is immensely grateful for that candid moment – those that followed were few and far between.
Leorio also remembers how he lay in bed that night, something twisting in his gut that he'd never felt before, searching for sleep. He'd shaken it off then, not letting himself think deeply about their earlier encounter and his joking words, not questioning his desire to just reach out and touch the other. Instead, he chose to think it was pity. He was happier that way, than wondering if it was love.
Leorio knows that if he'd come to the realization sooner, if he'd had any of the foresight to see himself where he is now, things would be different. Maybe then Yorkshin wouldn't have meant what it had for both of them.
Maybe then Kurapika would have loved him back.
He stops right there. He will not entertain that thought, not for a second.
The most he's willing to hope for – hope in the sense that if time travel turns out to exist, he'll have planned his route into the past – is that he'd have pushed harder, been harsher, given Kurapika less chances to hurt himself. That's all Leorio really wants, for Kurapika to be happy. Of course, in the dreams he pretends not to have, he imagines an outcome where Kurapika had prioritized his own life over those lost to the Troupe. In some rare others, he dreams of having accompanied him, journeying together so that his goal to find the eyes may have been completed, while Leorio worked on subsiding his need to kill the Phantom Troupe.
Leorio wonders how he'd have reacted if Kurapika had asked him to hold off on his own dreams to come with him. He likes to think that he'd have agreed without hesitation – knowing what he does now he would. He's not sure it would have occurred that way – he knows the moment when he realized love came after they'd initially parted – but he has faith in his ability to read the other enough to know that if he'd asked, it had been more important than the immediacy of his goals. Becoming a doctor could wait, he thinks now, trying not to dwell on the lives that he's touched who might not have gotten the care they'd needed had someone else been looking after them. After all, he hasn't cured any grand disease. He's still working on making treatment more accessible to less privileged parts of the world, and that's something that more worldly knowledge certainly couldn't have hurt.
Leorio can honestly say he doesn't know what would have happened in the long run, where he would be now, if he'd fallen in love with him sooner. He doesn't pretend to have the answers - it's easier not to try to convince himself he's done the right or wrong thing, only what was most viable at the time. He may dream differently, but ultimately he knows that dreams are just that, and brushes them aside upon waking.
Sometimes, he wishes Kurapika had chosen him instead.
