Strength and Healing
Chapter 4
AN: Here is a little Thanksgiving treat (if you live in the U.S.) for you all! I am thankful for all my amazing readers and reviewers. So, these chapters leading up to the second trial I am writing will pretty much all be extremely heavy. From your reviews, I can tell a lot of you really enjoy my angsty chapters, so I'm hoping this is a good thing. There is no flashback in this chapter because I think this story is best told in JJ's words. That being said, the story JJ tells is rather GRAPHIC, but I tried to offset it with Emily's gentleness so it isn't too bad. I hope It works well.
Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.
I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.
–Gabby
"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."
-Unknown
"Derek, I really appreciate that. You're a great friend."
"Of course, Emily," the chocolate profiler replied over the phone. "We take care of our own. I just can't believe—JJ, man." The sound of her friend punching a nearby wall travelled to Emily's ears.
"I know, Derek. I know," she empathized, with complete understanding of his anger. "The stories of what happened to her have been coming to me in snippets for almost ten years. I still don't know everything."
Derek opened his mouth to reply, but then thought better of adding fuel to the fire. "I can put out an APB for her, but I need a reason. I don't know how much you want to get out to the media at this point…."
"Um," Emily thought, "stalking and the sexual harassment of federal agents should work for now."
Emily couldn't see it, but Derek nodded. "What do you want us to do once we book her?"
"Interrogate her. I don't care what you do, make her confess to something. Even if she just admits to having sex with Jennifer, maybe we can get her on statutory rape."
"Emily, I promise you—Hotch and I will get it all out of her. I'll call you when we find her. Send JJ our love."
"I will. Goodnight, Derek."
"Goodnight, Prentiss."
"The team is in," Emily informed her wife, walking back into their bedroom. "Morgan is putting out an APB."
The incredibly exhausted blonde woman looked over to her bedside clock. It was 12:01. "Well, anniversary number one is officially over. And I officially feel like I did a year ago," she sighed.
JJ had not moved from her place in the bed the entire time her wife was talking to Morgan. All she could hear of the conversation was her wife's forceful whispering and Morgan's angry yelling on the other end.
Emily quickly got into the bed and wrapped her arms around her wife. "We're going to get through this, sweetheart. Just like everything else."
"But why do we have to?" Emily could see true sadness in her wife's eyes. "I've been through so much already." The blonde's voice cracked. She delivered the final sentence through a sob: "Why can't I just be happy?"
A tearful breath escaped Emily as she tightened her grip on her wife. "I'm trying really hard to believe there is a reason for all this, I really am, but I just…no matter how hard I try, I just can't see how any higher power could justify what has happened to you."
JJ noticed the out Emily had inadvertently given her. "Well, I got you."
Emily couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face, but she sobered quickly. "Since neither of us are going to sleep, do you want to talk about that scar?"
JJ nodded with a shaky sigh. "Could it be used as evidence?"
Emily nodded. "Depending on the circumstances and medical records. Did you go to the hospital after it happened?"
"Yeah, I did," she replied, sitting up. "Do you want me to just take you through that night?"
"If you can," Emily said, reaching behind her for her phone. "Can I record it? Just, you know…so you don't have to tell it again."
JJ's heart swelled at how considerate her wife was being, how considerate she always was. She nodded.
"Okay," Emily started, pressing 'record' on her phone. "I'm right here, okay? You're completely safe now. If you need to stop, just tell me. We don't have to do this." The brunette took both of her wife's hands in hers and squeezed gently. "Whenever you're ready."
"So, I told you before that she used to force me to get drunk before she'd, um…assault me." After everything that had happened to her, JJ couldn't bring herself to say the word 'rape'. And it was almost as unbearable to hear Emily say it. "But sometimes, she'd want me sober. Um…."
"Take your time," Emily assured with a gentle squeeze to JJ's hands.
"Those times, she'd control me with a knife."
Emily couldn't stop a tear from rolling down her cheek.
"I'm sorry, Em," JJ apologized. "I don't want to make you upset."
The brunette shook her head. "Don't worry about me, love," she commanded softly. "You can keep going whenever you're ready…."
JJ nodded. "She didn't actually use it all that often. Usually, the sight of it was enough to keep me in line. Once in a while, she'd press it lightly on my stomach, barely enough to draw blood—it made cuts that went away in days." She took a deep breath. "But, um…one night, I just wasn't having it."
Emily began moving her thumbs over her wife's hands in comfort. "Just remember that you're not there anymore. You're with me, okay?" It was important for Emily to make sure JJ didn't dissociate or flash back.
"I'm okay, Em."
"What happened next?"
"The first thing she always did when I became defiant in anyway…was uh…well, she'd take the knife and flip it and hold the blade—with gloves on her hands so she wouldn't cut herself, and um…she'd use the handle to…I'm sorry, Em, I can't say it."
"It's okay," Emily promised instantly with a grounding squeeze to her wife's hands. "You don't have to." She stopped the recording on her phone. "Do you want to take a break?"
Instead of answering, JJ darted from the bed and into the bathroom. Emily found her crouched over the toilet, vomiting the little food she had eaten that day. The brunette gently guided her to the floor as she held her hair back. When JJ was finished, Emily handed her a towel to wipe off her face with. As she talked, Emily rubbed her wife's back slowly. "We don't have to finish this."
"No, I want to," JJ insisted, trying to pick herself up from the ground and hitting a wall of dizziness.
Emily guided her back down, and kept an arm around her. "Okay, give yourself a few minutes here." The brunette happened to have a paper cup in their bathroom, so she filled it up with water from the tap before handing it to her wife, who clutched it tightly in shaky hands. "Drink slowly."
After she had finished the cup, JJ handed it back to Emily. "Thank you, Em."
"Of course, my love. Do you want to try standing up?" she asked, reaching out both hands to help her up. JJ grabbed them and within seconds, she was standing on two feet. "Do you feel steady?"
JJ nodded. "Can we finish this?"
Emily nodded. "If you feel like you can."
Emily wrapped an arm around JJ and guided her back to the bed. Once they were both settled, Emily pressed resume on her recorder app. "Do you want to pick up where you left off?" Emily grabbed both of her wife's hands again to make sure she stayed in the present.
"On that particular night, I decided to fight her. I don't know what made me do it. I, um…I tried grabbing the knife from her, but she just pushed the handle deeper." It occurred to Emily that this might be the reason that JJ was never open to using toys in their sex life.
The brunette was barely succeeding in keeping an objective tone of voice. "What happened after that?"
"She decided to punish me, as if raping me with a knife handle wasn't punishment enough." JJ laughed a humorless laugh before shaking her head. "When she did this, I would usually cry. I'm a crier, you know that. I don't handle pain well, never have. The deeper she cut into my stomach, the more defiant my gaze became. She didn't stop until I whimpered a little. I fought too hard, she cut too deep. We both knew I needed stiches."
Emily wanted desperately to comfort her wife, but she needed JJ to finish telling her what happened, so she settled for a caress of her cheek. "So, you went to the hospital?"
JJ nodded. "She drove, and the entire way, she angrily lectured me on a bullshit story about the knife slipping as I was cutting vegetables."
"Did she express any concern for you whatsoever?" JJ knew Emily was asking this question for the record and not because she believed Erin cared about her at all.
"No," JJ said. "She kept saying how it was all my fault, this wouldn't have happened if I would have behaved myself."
Emily couldn't help herself. "You know that's not true, correct?"
JJ nodded. "I do. I didn't at the time though."
"Can I ask you a few more questions, for the record?"
"Sure," JJ replied, taking a hand out of one of her wife's in order to wipe a tear.
"We're almost done," Emily assured. "Just give me one more minute," she promised. JJ nodded. "Okay, so which hospital did you go to?"
JJ sniffed. "Georgetown."
"You didn't say her name once through the entire testimony. I understand why, but can you say it once?"
"Erin Driver."
Emily nodded. "Thank you. One more thing—how old were you and Erin when these events occurred?"
"I was sixteen. She was twenty."
Emily stopped the recording. "What do you need right now?"
"I don't know." JJ simultaneously wanted to launch herself into her wife's arms and run away.
"Can I hug you?" Emily asked gently.
JJ could see that Emily really needed to hold her. JJ realized then how much she needed it too. There was a negligible amount of time between the blonde's nod and the hug. "I'm so proud of you, Jennifer," Emily whispered into her wife's ear.
"Thank you," JJ choked out.
Emily pulled back slightly in order to make eye contact. "We're gonna get her, I promise."
At that moment, Emily's phone rang. She picked it up. "Prentiss."
"Hey, Prentiss, sorry to bother you so late." It was Rossi. "I wanted to let you know that we have Erin here at Quantico. She was at some bar and I chased her down."
"That was fast," Emily observed.
"Well, no one messes with my family and gets away with it. How's JJ?" he asked.
Emily looked over at her wife, who was looking at her expectantly. "I just recorded a testimony of what happened on a particular night that left a scar on her abdomen. She's doing okay, considering."
Emily heard chatter on the background before Rossi spoke again. "Penelope wants you to know that she's going to find everything she can on Erin. We sent Derek home because he's been working all day. He'll be back tomorrow morning, but Aaron and I are going to start working her. I have a friend in the CIA. He's going to help us with the interrogation."
"Wow," Emily said. "What are you gonna—you know what, I don't actually want to know. Do whatever is necessary."
"That was the plan. Try to get some sleep tonight, Emily."
"I can lie and tell you that I will, but I think you'd be able to tell." Emily heard Rossi's gentle, fatherly laugh on the other end. "Should Jen and I come in tomorrow?"
"If I figure out a good angle, I might be able to get you in the interrogation room, but I want to keep that monster away from JJ for as long as possible," Rossi replied protectively.
"Ok, Dave. I'll talk to you guys in the morning. Thank you for everything."
"No problem, Emily. You should thank my lovely Chief Strauss, who has assigned B team to any cases that come through the unit in the next four weeks."
"I definitely will, Dave. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, bella."
"So…?" JJ asked after Emily had hung up.
"They have her." Emily got into the bed, suggesting to JJ that she do the same. "Are you up for a little field trip tomorrow?"
"To where?" JJ asked, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose.
"Georgetown. I want to try to get a hold of your hospital record for that night. There might be some helpful stuff there. It would also be convenient to get in touch with whoever treated you in the ER. I can go by myself if you're not up for it."
"No, I need to get out of the house anyway."
"Okay," Emily replied. "Try to get some sleep," she said, pulling her wife close. "I love you."
Instead of replying with three words, JJ decided to say something else. "You know, I never take it for granted. Your love."
Emily pressed a loving kiss to her wife's hair. "I know. Neither do I."
"Emily?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Thank you. For teaching me that what Erin did to me was not okay. If I hadn't met you, I would probably still believe I deserved it."
Emily moved her hand slowly up and down JJ's back. "You deserve so much more than even I could ever give you. I sometimes feel like I don't do enough to help you heal."
JJ lifted her head in order to shake it. "You saved my life, Emily. More than once. You save me every day."
AN: This might actually be the most intense chapter I have ever written, so sorry! Please leave a review and let me know what you think.
