We'll Never be Royals

Negative.

Dany squinted at the pregnancy test, negative negative negative was all it said. For the sixth time that month. It better be fucking negative, Dany thought to herself, if I'm pregnant I'm going to kill Drogo and myself.

"Daaaannnnyyyyy." yelled Viserys, "Get out of the bathroom, I have your Prozac."

"IN A MINUTE."

"Fine, I'll leave it out here." Dany heard her brother's footsteps going away down the hall. She rinsed the white stick and stuffed it into the pocket of her jeans. She opened the bathroom door and grabbed the Prozac. Viserys was on the phone with Doreah in the other room.

Doreah went to her school, she was in 12th grade. She was friends with Drogo's brother and always said hi to Dany, God, it was annoying. Doreah was annoying and Dany was almost certain Viserys was on the verge of being arrested because of the way they fucked through the night. Doreah borrowed her clothes, her makeup and her shoes even though Dany was a size eight and Doreah a nine. Doreah constantly complained that Dany was 'too goth' and on the off night that she stayed over would text Dany at two am to turn the heat up.

She headed for the door, "I'm going out."

"With who? Where? Why?" Viserys interrogated, putting down his phone.

"I'm just meeting Sansa."

Viserys stood up, "Sansa Stark?"

"Yeah, so?"

Viserys looked terrified for a second. "Don't tell her where we live."

...

Drogo and Irri were on the bridge on the edge of the suburb in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Dany stood over them.

"Where the fuck were you yesterday?" she yelled,

"Our parents found a shitload of coke in Jhiqui's room and we staged an intervention." said Drogo, "Neither of us wanted to be there but she threatened to call the Dr Phil Show."

"Was your phone dead?"

"I told you, Jhogo stole my charger."

"Well, steal it back."

"Rakharo got arrested." said Irri, "He had vodka on school property."

"So did I."

"It's probably because he's a Karadjian and Principal Baratheon doesn't trust Armenians. He thinks we all conspired to kill Mr Arryn."

"He thinks everyone did." said Dany. "When someone dies on the school board, there's a shitstorm. Give me a cigarette."

Drogo handed her a cigarette and a lighter. She lit it, broke it slightly in half and smoked from the side.

"You're inhaling cancer." said Drogo.

"You really think I give a shit?"

"...What the fuck is Rakharo doing?" Irri screamed at her phone, "If he screws this up and gets expelled, so help me God..."

"Did you hear Mr Mormont ranting yesterday?" Drogo asked his sister, "He heard that the Starks moved here and got pissed."

"I think I heard it outside the door."

"Why does he hate Sansa's family?" as if on cue, Sansa texted Dany,

Come over my sister's freaking out

...

The Stark house was air-conditioned in October. A framed picture of little Sansa in full pageant hair and makeup stared down at Dany from a shelf. Sansa dragged Dany upstairs before her parents could see anything.

"So I need your opinion on something?"

"What is it? Drogo and Irri were in the middle of telling me something important."

"You know Joffrey?"

"Yeah, he's an asshole."

"Well, my sister pissed him off, and her friend was there and they all got into a fight and then Joffrey's bodyguard..." Sansa inhaled deeply, "His bodyguard beat up my sister's friend, he's 12."

"...The fuck?"

"Yeah, my sister's really pissed about it, but you know, it's not that bad, right?"

"Why are you still into him? He's a dick and his bodyguard fucked up a 7th grader."

"I just really need a boyfriend."

"What about Willas Tyrell, he's desperate."

"I thought you hated the Tyrells."

"Willas isn't that bad. Just talk to him."

"He's not as hot as Joffrey."

"Oh, my God, you're exhausting."

"Well, excuse me, who is this Drogo anyway?"

"It's not your problem!"

"Well, you're getting all fired up about Joffrey!" Sansa giggled, twirling her hair around her finger, "Oh, and I also wanted to ask if you and your brother were available on Thanksgiving."

"We're just doing what we do every year."

"Which is...?"

"We get a bunch of Chicken McNuggets and Viserys points out all the problems with the packaging. Then proceeds to get completely obliterated and tell me how pretty I am and why I shouldn't end up like him. Then he gets pissed and rants about everything I've done to make both our lives miserable, after that he starts apologizing profusely and sucks up another box of wine. If he passes out, I usually go to Drogo's house and get high in his backyard while his grandma lectures the whole family on why they need to go back to Armenia. By that point it's nine o'clock. Irri comes outside and politely asks me if I need a ride home because it's getting dark and Grandma Khatchadourian is pretty wasted. At this point I'm at a crossroads. Do I stay or do I leave? I call Viserys, if he picks up I leave, in which case I show up and Doreah is asleep in our kitchen. The next morning the house smells like wine and pot smoke. Happy Turkey Day."

Sansa was silent.

"Are you sure you don't want to come over? My mom makes really good cucumber salad. And sometimes we get one of those big cakes from Loblaws that can accommodate like sixty people."

"Viserys told me not to let you know where we live, so either he's paranoid, which is actually pretty likely, or the Starks and Targaryens aren't a good combination."

"Oh, we're not. If you, like, ask my great-aunt or someone. But it's the 21-st century!"

"Exactly, there are people who want my brother and I dead."

Sansa's eyes got wide, "Shit." Dany raised her eyebrows condescendingly. "Well, I know my dad doesn't, or my mom, they said you seemed nice."

"I've never met your parents."

"I showed them your Facebook and Tumblr."

Dany rolled her eyes, "Why...?"

"Principal Baratheon was talking shit about y'all when we had dinner there, he said your brother is a psycho and you're going to turn out just the same. He also said he's going to make you suffer."

"Oh, wonderful. Anything else?"

"Uhhh-"

"I don't want to know."

"...Your brother's kinda hot."

"JESUS CHRIST, SANSA."