"BITCH, I WILL KILL YOU!" Sally Jackson yelled.
Her wonderful and nice husband, Sweet-smelling Gabe, was cowering against the wall. Sally could be so violent. She'd lost her parents in a plane crash and grew up with an uncle that didn't really care about her. Then, she started kickboxing and wrestling. That made her tougher. The sweet, little innocent girl Sally Jackson was gone. Now…she was…Badass Sally.
"I-I'm sorry," Gabe stuttered. "B-b-b-but…there's no s-such thing as…b-blue food."
Sally's irises turned red. "ME? YOU'RE ARGUING WITH FREAKING ME? YOU KNOW I'M A FUCKING KICKBOXER AND A WRESTLER! HOW DUMB ARE YOU?"
"I—"
"YOU ARE SUCH A FRUITY LITTLE ASS PIE! NO WONDER PEOPLE CALL YOU 'SWEET-SMELLING GABE'! YOU KNOW HOW FRUITY IT IS TO BE A MAN AND SMELL GOOD? AND WHERE DO YOU SHOP? FREAKING VICTORIA'S SECRET? YOU KNOW WHAT HER SECRET IS? SHE'S A MOTHER FUCKING MAN! A MAN! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE, TUBBY? PERCY'S A FREAKING DEMIGOD! SON OF POSEIDON, MOTHER FUCKER! DON'T FUCK WITH HIM! AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? AND YOU KNOW WHY HE CARRIES THAT PENCIL COVERED IN BLOOD AROUND SO MUCH? BECAUSE IT'S A PEN!
"AND GUESS WHAT ELSE? POSEIDON IS A GREEK FREAKING GOD! HE SAID I WAS A QUEEN! WHY DO YOU THINK HE CHEATED ON HIS DUMBASS GIRLFRIEND, ATHENA, AND HIS PUSSY LITTLE WIFE, AMPHITRITE FOR ME? BECAUSE I CAN GO WITH CHUCK NORRIS AND SURVIVE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? I GOT A PACKAGE!"
Gabe shook with fear. "Um…what's in the package?"
Sally took a step forward and falcon punched him. "DON'T—INTERRUPT—ME—WHEN—I'M—RANTING!"
Gabe started to cry.
"Pussy," Sally muttered. "I'm going to enjoy this." She went to Percy's room and took up the little…package. The note read:
Mom, this is for you. I slayed that punk ass hideous bitch, Medusa, and here is her head.
You can use it to petrify that little pussy Sweet Smelling Gabe.
Then, you can get yourself a tough boyfriend…probably one who I'll call "Blowfish"—but not to his face, though.
From your hot and tough son, Percy Kickass Jackson
Sally came out holding the head of Medusa. Gabe was still crying, but he turned around quickly when he heard Sally's footsteps.
"Gaby, I've got a present for you," Sally said in her creepy-little-horror-movie-girl voice.
"Um…what is it, dear?"
Sally held up Medusa's head. "GET PETRIFIED, BITCH!"
Fortunately, Gabe looked into Medusa's eyes. The gorgon's eyes glowed, and Gabe immediately turned to stone.
"Fruity ass punk," Sally muttered.
Then, she pulled out her laptop and logged in to , the Facebook for badass people.
Badass Bitch Sally: My fruity ass husband just disappeared off the face of the earth.
Siller the Killer: Wait…is he that dumbass piece of shit who wears Victoria's Secret underwear and male perfume?
Badass Bitch Sally: Yep. :D
Conquer Adonis: 'Bout time!
Badass Bitch Sally just uploaded a new picture titled: Fruity Ass Statue
Comments for Fruity Ass Statue (23)
Siller the Killer: XD
Conquer Adonis: His dick is so small!
Badass Bitch Sally: Why are you looking anyway, gay ass?
Conquer Adonis: Don't challenge me, bitch.
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: I've been going through some of your pictures…how does a fruity piece of shit like that get a hot piece of ass like you?
Badass Bitch Sally: Reasons you wouldn't understand, loser.
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: You're going to make me cum.
Badass Bitch Sally: That's nice. Why is your name so effing long?
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: It's more like a warning/threat.
Badass Bitch Sally: What the fuck is your real name?
Loveable Ares: Make love to me. Me, me, me, me.
Don't Fuck With Me: Did he just say…love?
HatersRule: What the hell does that mean?
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: It's a Beyonce song. The radios won't stop playing it. I think it's called 1+1 or some shit.
Badass Bitch Sally: Loveable Ares…UGH! It hurt to type that. Why are you talking about love on ?
Loveable Ares: Love is the best thing in the universe and—did you just say ?
Badass Bitch Sally: Yup.
Loveable Ares: Sorry, I meant to be on . My bad.
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: It is your bad.
Loveable Ares has logged off.
Badass Bitch Sally: You wanna hook up, Blowfish?
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: Any bitch bad enough to call me blowfish can hook up with me any day.
Badass Bitch Sally: How about a dark alley in Manhattan at 11 p.m. tonight?
Mr. Don't Fucking Call Me Blowfish: Yup. I'll bring my gun.
Ah, badass love.
AN: I hope I didn't offend anyone. I know I haven't updated in a while and that this is a little unfunny, but at least I updated, right? Hope ya like it!
