Chapter 4
Kurt, his family and a few select friends sat in silence beside the small grave. Even though the sun was still shining, there was a chill in the air. Kurt shivered and immediately felt gloved hands on his shoulders, coming from behind him. Blaine. He had stayed with Kurt during the services and was still here. Kurt drew up the lapels of his cashmere overcoat and rearranged his custom scarf to hold off the chill. Once he had adjusted the scarf, he slid his right hand to grasp the hand on his left shoulder. A slight squeeze and he let out the breath he had been holding. His head was bowed, eyes closed even as they were hidden behind his trade-mark Ray bans. He was breathing through his mouth as his nose was slightly congested after the emotion of the day. A puff of air and he could see his breath. It was time to go.
He squeezed Blaine's hand again as a sign that he was going to release the hold. He stood slowly and turned to his dad, still sitting. "Dad, I'm ready to leave. Let's go. It's getting cold." Burt had one arm around Carole. He made sure she was ready to stand and helped her to her feet. On the other side of her, Finn was already up but leaning over to place his hand under his mother's elbow and assist her. She stood up but immediately laid her head on Finn's shoulder. "I can't imagine losing a child. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you." She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, then leaned toward her husband and offered her hand. Burt wrapped her hand in his larger hand and led her and Finn away from the gravesite. The remaining few left, leaving Kurt with Blaine still standing behind his chair.
Head hung low; Blaine saw Kurt's shoulders start to shake. He had been so strong all day. He had presented himself as the devoted loving father with strength drawn from the memory of his son. But now was his final good-bye and he didn't want to go. He was giving in to his grief. He needed this one last private moment. So Blaine stood and watched carefully, looking for a sign that he should stay or go. He could hear the soft cries and his heart broke for this beautiful man. Blaine tasted a single tear as it flowed down his cheek to the top of his mouth. He moved around the chairs to Kurt's side, placed his hands on each of Kurt's shoulders and turned the man to face him, head still bowed. His hands pulled him into a strong embrace while Kurt laid his head on Blaine's shoulder. "I just miss him so much."
Blaine said nothing. Words weren't necessary. In a few moments, Kurt took a deep breath and as he breathed out, Blaine heard him whisper "Please don't leave. Come back to our home. Stay with me for a while." Blaine couldn't deny this heart-broken man and silently shook his head in acceptance. When he felt the nod, Kurt pulled back to look at Blaine. The honey amber eyes looked deep into his own and fought to hold him there as the grey-green eyes darted around, not knowing where to look but continued to be drawn back to those warm rich eyes. One more brief hug and the two men stepped back from each other to start the walk to the limo. Finn, Burt and Carole were in the car, watching the two men and wondering what was happening between them. Burt knew that Kurt never opened himself up to anyone besides his family. This was a stranger and Kurt had invited him to spend the most private and emotional day of his life with him. Burt could also see a change in Kurt when Blaine was close to him. Kurt gravitated to him all day. With all the people attending the services, Kurt was seeking an anchor and it seemed that Blaine provided that. Burt was anxious for Kurt and afraid that his emotional state was causing him to depend on Blaine, as a doctor, to take away his pain. He could never have detected what was actually happening. He couldn't see the connection, the attraction, the understanding that these two men already had. They were soul mates, just meeting, but knowing they would always be there for each other. They were already coming to know this themselves, without saying any words.
XXX
Back at the house, the last of the visitors were leaving and Blaine also stood. From across the room, Kurt felt Blaine's need to leave before actually seeing him moving to the door to get his coat. Blaine looked for Kurt and Kurt was right there, looking questioningly at him. "I have to go. I'm on call at the hospital and I have a consult waiting. I'm sorry to rush out."
"I'm leaving in the morning." Kurt stated. "I'm going back to New York. Work is what I need now and I've been away from my business too long." He could see Blaine's face visibly drop and his mouth formed an "o." "Thank you, Blaine, for being here today. For being with me when you barely knew me. I know…it was a lot to ask, but you really helped me get through this day. And, thank you for taking care of me. You know…before."
"Kurt, I want to…" and then someone called for Kurt and he turned his head to see who wanted to talk with him. Blaine really had to leave, so he put on his coat and said, "Take care, Kurt. Safe travels tomorrow." He opened the door and walked through it as another long-lost family member grabbed Kurt to give him a hug. He pulled the door closed and walked to his car. The chirping of the automatic car lock broke the quiet air and he turned back to the house one more time as he opened the door and slid into his car. Closing the door to the frigid outside, he felt the car warm up quickly. He drove to the hospital thinking over the events of the day. He thought about this man and wondered what the next few days would hold for Kurt. And really, what happened between them today? Did Kurt feel it too? Or was he too immersed in his grief today and was just reaching out for anyone. He pulled into his reserved parking space at the hospital, turned off the car motor and just sat. He sat in his car, enjoying the silence and feeling the sadness. His heart was sad. And it ached for Kurt. Blaine laid his head on his hands where they gripped the steering wheel. And he cried. Cried for what, he wasn't sure. But he knew something was missing from his life and he felt loss. He didn't know when or if he would see or talk to Kurt again. He just knew that now wasn't a good time. Kurt needed his time alone. But Blaine felt empty. He left too quickly and things felt unfinished. In a brief period of time he had come to need Kurt as much as Kurt needed him. Back to reality. Kurt was here in Lima for his son and he was going back to his home in New York. Back to the exciting city and work and fashion shows and parties and celebrities and so many gorgeous men…. Whoa, where did that come from? It was a well-known fact that Kurt was out and proud. He dated publically and was always in the company of handsome men although there didn't seem to one particular man. Each event showed a different man in attendance. So, okay, Blaine had done a little bit of internet research after taking care of Kurt in the hospital. He wanted to know who his patient was and once he saw the Google search returns, he was fascinated with the public life of Kurt Hummel of KH Designs.
He took a few deep breaths to steel himself for the upcoming consult. He raised his head as he heard a tapping on the passenger window. The car windows had fogged over while he sat in the car so he could not see who was outside. Probably someone who recognized his car and saw him inside – wanting to make sure he was ok. He pushed to button to roll down the window and his friend and associate peeked in.
"Wes?" Blaine asked, "Were you called in, too?"
"Yeah, man. They beeped me about ten minutes ago. I didn't realize you would be here. I was surprised to see your car. Why are you just sitting in there? Is everything alright?" He could tell that something was going on with Blaine. They had known each other since boarding schools days at Dalton and been best friends ever since. They went to med school together and chose similar specialized career paths – Blaine choosing neurology and Wes choosing neurosurgery. Wes knew that Blaine wouldn't just sit in his car in the hospital parking lot. Blaine approached everything with a swift purpose. If he was in his car, then he should be opening the car door to get out going into the building or he should be backing out to leave. Either way, Blaine doesn't linger so this was unusual and definitely out of character for a man who had little time for life or himself. Blaine taking a few minutes to himself meant something was up. And, Wes thought he could see tear tracts on Blaine's face.
"Blainers," his term of endearment for his friend, "what's going on? You're upset. Don't deny it."
Blaine knew he couldn't lie to Wes. Wes always saw right through him. But he wasn't ready to share this yet. He didn't even know what "this" was, so how could he talk about it. So he settled for "I've been visiting a patient, a friend who just lost their three-year-old son. It's been a tough day."
"Ohhhhh…" And Wes left it alone. For the time being. But he knew more was going on. "Let's go in, shall we?" and he walked over to the driver's side and opened the door for Blaine to exit the car. Darkness had settled in around them and the wind had picked up, so it was cold even walking the short distance from the doctors' reserved parking area into the hospital's doctors' entrance. Wes put his arm around his good friend, pulling them together for warmth and comfort. In the parking lot, if either had looked back, they would have seen the headlights of a car pulled up alongside their cars, a lone driver staring at the two figures huddled close, one with his arm wrapped around the other who was leaning into the other and laying his head on the broad shoulder. A moment of intimacy, not to be shared with others. The lone man in the car blinked away his tears at the sight. "Blaine…." He whispered. He put the car in Reverse and backed out slowly. A final glance to the building would have shown that Blaine had turned around and look out in the night, sensing something, then turned back to open the entry door. With a soft swoosh, the door closed and the harsh sterile lights of the hospital corridor temporarily blinded the two men as they made their way to the neurological consult room. It was all business and they prepared for a long night when they heard the details of the emergency case they were about to take on. They silently headed to the locker room to change. Then they moved to Wes's office where fresh coffee awaited them. The glow of the desk lamp provided a soothing atmosphere to steady their nerves for the difficult challenge they were facing. The patient's file was spread out on the small conference table in the corner of the room and Blaine was poring over all of the notes while Wes studied the multiple mounted computer screens with the x-rays and images of the woman's brain they were called in to review. This is what they lived for. Rescuing people, saving lives, making a difference. And they were two of the best. They knew and understood each other so well, few words had to be used as decisions and a course of action was developed. They worked in sync and had stamina to last for days when this type of case presented itself. Surgery would require hours and treatment and follow-up would require days. They were devoted to their work with little time for personal lives and this is what they had chosen for their lives' paths.
Wes was married. He met Olivia in college and had fallen hard. Dating while in med school was hard on both of them. There was little time to devote to a relationship, but they worked on this and made time for each other, even if it was only for a few stolen moments in the doctors' lounge, cuddling late at night while Wes was on call. Olivia was his rock. She understood his drive and need to help people. She supported him, but made sure he took care of himself so he was at his best for his patients and his family. They married the summer before, once his practice was well established and they had a daughter, Corinne. Olivia and Corinne were the source of joy in Wes's life. Wes wanted the same for Blaine. The basic grounding found in a life partner made all the sacrifice and long hours worthwhile and manageable. Blaine didn't have time for his own life or that of anyone else. We worked non-stop. He poured all of his heart and caring into his patients. But Wes could see that Blaine was close to collapsing. He needed that grounding. He needed someone in his life.
Blaine had so much love to give, so much love in his heart, but Blaine had been burned early in his college life through a relationship with a young man that drained the life from Blaine as he demanded time and physicality from Blaine. Charlie was poison to Blaine. Wes saw it right away, but Blaine's heart was swept away by someone who paid attention to the quiet nerd who wore glasses and kept his nose buried in a book. Blaine responded to the attention, craving someone to love him. He just couldn't tell the difference between being loved and being manipulated for the use of his money and his body. Once Blaine befriended him, Charlie was around constantly. Whining for Blaine to go out with him, wanting Blaine to take him out to restaurants, go away for weekends, buy him things, spend the night with him. All without regard for Blaine's studies or Blaine's needs. He would bring an occasional flower to surprise Blaine and it was these small gestures that kept Blaine wanting Charlie in his life.
This guy was bad. Wes knew it and hated what the guy did to Blaine. He had no idea about the extent to which Charlie used Blaine. And Blaine wouldn't listen, nor was he talking. It wasn't until Blaine failed a critical course he needed to get in med school that he started to see that Charlie was the contributing reason for the failure. He approached Wes and told him the whole, sordid story. Wes now understood how vulnerable Blaine was. He didn't have the love of two parents like most sons had. They gave up on Blaine when he came out at age 14. They were still his parents and they supported him financially while he was in school. He went home for the holidays but they were stilted affairs, more like an obligation. Since he had graduated from medical school and completed his specialty program, they became more accepting. Especially since Blaine never mentioned any dates or a special someone. He didn't bring anyone home and didn't ask his parents to meet anyone other than his school friends.
Wes recognized that Blaine needed therapy to get over the Charlie situation, but mostly to help Blaine with his lack of self-esteem which caused Blaine to respond to Charlie. Every week, while he was in medical school, he met with a young therapist, Olivia Grant, who helped Blaine deal with his demons and ultimately helped prepare him to be a thriving, sexual man, confident in his mind and body and not afraid of being used. It was when Wes came to pick up Blaine from one of his sessions that he met his future wife. It was awkward getting to know her and court her while she was treating his best friend, but they were all professionals and respected necessary boundaries. It took several years, but Blaine had made great strides. He wasn't afraid to date now, even stepping out of his comfort zone to ask an attractive man to dinner. He had his career and little time for a personal life, but as he settled into this new life in Lima, he was becoming more open to thinking about his future. He was 32 and wanted a family. He wanted a husband and a son and a daughter and a dog and a cat and a white picket fence and a tire swing in the backyard. He wanted a garden full of sweet smelling and colorful flowers. He wanted to grow his own vegetables. He wanted to learn to use his gourmet kitchen. He wanted to learn about wines and liqueurs. He wanted to entertain, have friends over, play poker, shoot pool, play Call of Duty on the big screen in his theater room. He wanted to grill and throw pool parties and barbeques and birthday parties. He wanted to watch sappy movies, dumb reality TV, college football, and old black and white classics. He wanted to play his piano, strum his guitar and sing at the top of his voice.
But most of all, Blaine Anderson wanted a partner to share this life. He wanted to hold his partner during sleep, wake up sleepily to warm breath and soft skin against his. He wanted to hear the moans from a brush of fingers over sensitive skin. And he wanted to kiss his partner. The most intimate act between two people. Lips touching, moving, sharing emotion through lips, tongues and mouths. The most sensual part of a body, Blaine believed. And with all his months with Charlie and other men he had dated, Blaine Anderson had never been kissed. He longed for the feel and taste of his most special first kiss.
He wanted that special person to work beside him in the kitchen, lay in the hammock with him in his garden, recline on the couch for a late afternoon nap, walk through the park during a holiday snowfall. He wanted someone to cherish and adore and love and spoil. He wanted that person to raise children with him. Blaine wanted it all. The fairy tale. And, for the first time, Blaine was interested in a man, in pursuing a man. There had been something. And after the right amount of time, Blaine was going to contact Kurt Hummel and court him. Their last conversation left him empty and wanting. He hated that work caused him to leave before he could say good-bye properly. He didn't know if Kurt would be interested in getting to know him, but he already knew that Kurt would be worth the work to try. Just the few hours he had spent with Kurt and his family, he knew that Kurt was the single most fascinating person he had ever met. He didn't know Kurt's current personal situation but with a few well-placed questions, he could find out. Kurt led a public life and there certainly wasn't anyone special in the public picture so that was a start. He wasn't married, but he had been a father. And that was a mystery Blaine wanted to learn from Kurt in Kurt's time. All Blaine wanted to know is whether Kurt was free for him to contact. And Blaine knew just who to ask. He pulled out his phone and began searching through his contact list. He found the name he was looking for and pressed "Dial."
