Thanks to those people who have been reading and reviewing. I appreciate the comments - they let me know if I'm on the right track or not, so please do continue to let me know what you think of my interpretation.

Spoilers ahead for 8.4.

Harry: 25 November 2009

I keep thinking about Jo. Could I have done something differently? How this is affecting the team?

I am just about devoid of feeling anything - empty at the loss of another colleague. And desperate for Ruth to tell me what she is feeling. She refuses to discuss Jo with me, and has buried herself in work.

How should I have responded this morning, when she asked what I meant? I didn't want to scare her off, but I can't continue pretending. I know she understands what I mean, and one day she's going to have to talk to me about it. Soon.

I'm not certain that Ros is dealing with her part in Jo's death particularly well. I am sure it haunts her as it does me, however she refuses to say much, and carries on regardless. She is an experienced officer, and I shall have to trust her judgment.

Tariq appears a little shell shocked, but is remaining stoic. He has plenty to keep him busy.

I am worried about Lucas though. A man from his past has appeared in England. The man, Oleg Darshavin, routinely tortured him in Russia, and there are no circumstances under which this could not have an effect on Lucas. And then there's the potential for Stockholm Syndrome.

Today, during an operation to meet with Darshavin, he went off comms and led us a merry dance. He acted foolishly, but fortunately did convince Darshavin to hand over the code to a bomb that was set to explode in the Square Mile.

In the course of today's events, Lucas' actions revealed that his relationship with Sarah Caulfield may have crossed the line. This is of great concern to me. I do not want another Tom Quinn on my hands. I will not let him become another statistic, and ruin his life more than I already have.

On a side note, I think I may have let my frustration with Ruth not wanting to talk, get the better of me today. She followed up on one of Malcolm's dead drops. A computer geek who has never missed a drop. Today he did miss one, and when Ruth brought her concerns to me I dismissed them out of hand. Not the way a Section Head should behave.

Ruth: 25 November 2009

I like Tariq more as I get to know him. He reminds me a little of Zaf with all his confidence and enthusiasm. He's very clever too, which is a good thing given the big shoes Malcolm has left for him to fill.

Tariq was able to help me locate a message from one of Malcolm's contacts. A contact who had disappeared, leaving a business card stuck to his computer. It proved to be connected to a rogue Russian and a group of unknown African bombers whom we were dealing with today.

When I mentioned the missing contact to Harry, and told him I thought it was linked to the bombers, he said he didn't think it was related. Later, when we had made the connection, he seemed more interested. I really hope he isn't going to be like this for too long. And I hope it isn't about this morning when he asked to talk with me. The meeting felt particularly awkward, even by our standards, and I know there was more he wanted to say, but I wouldn't let him.

I'm not ready to talk to him about it. I know he wants to, but I just can't. Not yet. It's too soon, and too much has happened for me to jump straight back to where we were before. Maybe in time, I hope I will be able to talk to him. Just not now.

I'm still not sure what I would say anyway. I'm not sure what I actually feel.

I know I feel angry about Jo dying. She was so young, and had so much more to give to the world. Sometimes it is possible to feel the wonder of succeeding in this job, but so often the feeling is one of futility and loss.

And yet, I think part of the reason I didn't tell George about my real life, and didn't marry him, was because somewhere in the back of my mind, and my heart, I was hoping that one day I would come back to England and MI5. What does it say about me that I had a subconscious desire for that old life, one that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried? I don't know what that means about what I felt for Harry, and I don't know what I want it to mean.