Disclaimer: The Nauruto (or however that is spelled) Hundo is on soon. Mmm.. I don't watch it or anything but who is the black haired boy? Is that Sasuke? I've heard the name. What's the story with him? Yes, this is a disclaimer: Use the Force to figure out how.
Author's Note: Obi-Wan Kenobi (in his younger years) was hot.
A Love Too Good To Be True Because It Is Too Good To Be True (look I capitalized every word to save myself immense aggravation)
by: Serenthia
Chapter Four: Remus and His Velvet Coat
Remus Lupin sat before his fire in his leather chair, sipping a very expensive cordial, ensconced in a velvet smoking jacket, and puffing on his imported and illegal cigars. A copy of the Daily Prophet lay on the ebony and marble table next to him. Its headlines screamed the death of Voldemort, the redemption of Snape's character, and Lupin's own death.
Hah! The fools! They had all been fooled by a poorly constructed (but apparently quite functioning since it had been able to produce a child) Simuloid. Luckily for Remus he had always kept himself aloof from everyone so no one noticed when he replaced himself.
Fighting evil was just so... boring. I mean, really. Who cared if Voldemort or the Ministry was in charge. Nothing would change for werewolves. At least it had better not! The wizarding world was prejudiced and blah, blah, but the Muggle world?
Oh, yes! Women and men pitied him and gave him things! Life was good.
Remus, hearing a knock on his door, placed his glass on the marble top of his table, and picked up his wand. He moved out of his richly furnished sitting room and into the den of squalor that he kept just for company.
Magicking his clothes into rags and adding a touch of artistic gray hair, Remus pocketed his wand, grabbed a nearby cane and hobbled to his front door.
"Oh! My aching back!" he said, opening the door and wincing.
A young girl stood there, holding a large basket full of good things to eat. "The women in the village sent this to you," she said. "Where do you want me to put it?" she asked.
"Over there," he said making his voice nice and hoarse while he indicated a rickety old table.
The girl put the basket on the table and turned to smile at Remus.
"You are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo brave!"
"I know," Remus said, as he collapsed onto the moth-eaten sofa he had wrestled Severus for back in their Hogwarts days. "Being a werewolf is so trying."
"I know it is," the girl said. "But don't worry. Our village will take good care of you."
Remus nodded his head and watched her leave.
As soon as she was gone he threw the cane back where it belonged, grabbed his basket, and rushed into his kitchen. The food, mostly imported, was put away. Being a werewolf in a rich village was wonderful! That idiot Dumbledore had nearly ruined it for him by giving him a job. What would Remus want with a real job? They were boring, annoying, and you had to wake up early.
Remus magicked his clothes back and prepared himself a delicious snack of cheese and crackers. He carried this back into his sitting room, turned on his plasma television, and ate his snack while he watched the greatest show ever to be created: Star Wars. His speakers, one in each corner of the room, added to the delightful experience.
Too bad he had no one to share this life with. There were several students Remus could have started something with but no... Severus had to ruin it all and drive him away. He knew he should have been more careful about eyeing his potential future mates. Maybe he should have noticed the teachers instead of the students.
Remus, pausing his favorite show, picked up the Daily Prophet and decided to actually read it. How in the world had a greasy, no-good, selfish, horrible, nasty, git like Severus redeemed himself anyway? Weren't there laws against that sort of thing?
Remus, after having read the account, lowered the newspaper and stared at the screen- paused on the words A NEW HOPE. Severus had loved Lily? Remus narrowed his eyes and decided he needed to investigate matters. Lily had been an idiot so why, in the world, would Severus had fallen for her?
"Remus Lupin!" he shouted to the air while he struck a pose. "Werewolf detective!"
For a detective was what Remus had always wanted to be. And it was what Remus hoped he would be one day. He just had to amass enough capital for his little venture since he didn't actually plan on doing enough work to support himself. That would be no fun at all.
Rubbing his hands together Remus assembled his detecting kit: his wand, a pencil (quills and ink were just so bothersome), a notepad (parchment made too much noise), and a compass.
He would need Dumbledore's Pensive to look through his own memories and see if he could find evidence of Severus loving Lily. And he would need a house-elf to get the Pensive for him since he couldn't just wander around Hogwarts. He would hide in the kitchens. No one could know he was still alive. Then they might make him raise that Teddy kid. Remus didn't want to raise any children that weren't his!
Sneaking into Hogwarts was a piece of cake and sneaking into the kitchens was even easier. The house-elves were binding up their hurt and looking quite proud of themselves.
Remus begged them to keep his secret and they agreed- for a price. Apparently Kreacher wanted to be freed of Harry's despotic control and wanted Remus to figure out how to free him.
"I hates him!" Kreacher said. "I hates him forever!"
"Kreacher read Lord of the Rings," Winky hiccuped. "Kreacher thinks he's Gollum. Kreacher is really a girl."
Kreacher's eyes widened and he/she grinned. "Nonsense. The little drunk house-elf doesn't know what she's saying."
"You are a girl," another house-elf said.
Kreacher grinned at Remus. "You will tell no one and you will now address me as Kreacherette."
"But... I thought you liked Harry," Remus said, looking at the house-elf and trying to figure out if it really was a girl.
Kreacherette snorted. "I had no choice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they... me and Regulus... his room had clues... they might find out... he's mine!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to pretend to like Harry and his friends so they would leave Regulus's room alone!!!!!!!"
Remus shrugged. What did he care. "I am a detective," he said. "And I need to find out if Severus loved Lily so can you..."
"He didn't," Kreacherette told him. "And he's not dead either. Cuddles took him away before I set the Shrieking Shack on fire."
Remus's mouth dropped open. "What? Why?"
Kreacherette rolled her eyes. "Why else? So he can ascend to Dark Lordship without anyone being the wiser and then pounce upon the unsuspecting wizarding world and rip its collective throat out."
That sounded like a plan. Remus patted his velvet coat and decided something.
"Tell Severus that if he needs help, Remus Lupin is available," Remus said. "I could be his detective and detect things! I wouldn't work hard or that much but I might be of some use."
"Aren't you mad about him being evil and all that?" Kreacherette said.
"No," Remus said. "I don't really care. I never did. I was only friends with James and Sirius because they bought me things. Then when Lily came along they quit. It was all about her then. Even Sirius bought her things. Of course, I think that was to make her leave James alone but... anyway. The gits. At least they all got killed. Those were the happiest days of my life."
Kreacherette nodded her head. "Free me! I've been away from Regulus too long! I miss him something horrible! I want my husband back!"
Remus sat on the ground and pondered how he would free Kreacherette.
A few days later Kreacherette popped into Remus's sitting room and smiled. "I'm free! That brat Harry accidently threw that shirt folded to look like a towel at me when I followed him into the bathroom when I gave him diarrhea! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Regulus, baby, here I come! We have lots of catching up to do."
The house-elf popped away and Remus went back to watching his movie.
Life was good.
Life would be even better once Severus contacted him. He wanted to do some detecting!
Author's Note: Yep, Remus survived. He's too underhanded, sneaky, rebellious, and treacherous to die.
