South Park With An Odd Twist
The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised.
Episode 4: Lord of the Shithawks
"This is your classroom, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey led the new student down the hall to Mr. Garrison's classroom. All the while he was pondering to himself that there seemed to be quite a few new students this year in Mr. Garrison's class. So far it had only, in-fact, been two, but he wondered if there would be more all the same. It was rare that South Park receive any newbies at all.
"Right." The young boy nodded, waiting for this teacher with the weird speech patterns to go away.
"Just go in, m'kay? They won't bite." Mr. Mackey opened the door for him and shoved the boy forward before slamming the door shut behind him. The councilor with the large cranium ran down the hall before anything could happen as he had a sneaking suspicion that Mr. Garrison would not like the idea of another newcomer.
Mr. Garrison and the rest of the class looked over at the new student standing idly by the door like a deer caught in the headlights. The whole class gave him a questioning look before Cartman had to open his big fat mouth.
"Who the hell is that?" he said suddenly, causing Mr. Garrison to look over at him.
"Yes, who the hell are you?" Mr. Garrison looked back at the student.
"I'm the new student, Mr. Garrison," they replied, anxiously watching the eyes that stared at him.
"New student, what the? Oh, right! I forgot that you were coming. Go sit in that empty desk." Mr. Garrison suddenly realized why the extra desk had been put into the classroom that morning. He hadn't been able to figure it out until now. "Okay, children. I believe the new student's name is Ryan. Now let's continue on with my thoughts on the presidential elections."
"Another new kid? Do you suppose he'll end up like Mike?" Stan leaned over and whispered to Kyle and Cartman.
"I don't know you guys, it's a possibility." Kyle shrugged, as did Cartman.
"Who's Mike?" Ryan leaned in and listened to their conversation.
"Ah!" the three of the jumped startled by the sudden presence of the other child.
"Are my thoughts boring you boys?" Mr. Garrison stopped and glared at them.
"No!" Kyle said quickly and the others agreed in nod.
"Well then, shall we continue?" Mr. Garrison said, receiving nods from everyone.
"Hello children."
"Hey Chef," the three of them replied while grabbing their trays.
"I hear there's a new student in your class again. What ever happened to that Mike fellow?" Chef asked them, thinking for a moment.
"He died, remember, Chef?" Stan inquired, giving the large black man an odd look.
"Oh, right. Well, who is this new student?"
"I'm the new student." Ryan's voice said from behind them.
"Ah!" the three boys jumped again, an enraged Cartman turning to face him.
"God damn it stop doing that!" he shouted in Ryan's face.
"What's you name?" Chef questioned as if Cartman hadn't caused any commotion at all.
"I'm Ryan," he replied.
"Well children, best be watching out for them Shithawks that are flying around outside. They look like they're ready to attack!" Chef warned. "Now move along, you're holding up the line… again."
Before they could even ask what a Shithawk was, they were beckoned to go forward and had no other choice. The children behind them began to push them out of the little serving section of the lunchroom. The three boys, followed closely by Ryan, moved out of the line and went to find a table.
"Can I sit with you guys?" Ryan asked the group, holding his lunch tray in his hands the whole while. He didn't really know anyone, but these three seemed rather friendly. To him anyway…
"Like hell you can!" Cartman snapped, pissed at this child already.
"Oh cheery-oh!" Pip's high-pitched voice rang out as a warning and then he, Butters and Tweak all sat down around them.
"Damn it you guys, get the hell away from us!" Kyle spat, wanting all four of them to leave.
"But this is the only table left that will allow us to sit here," Pip said, not really making any sense at all. The tables were allowing people to sit there? Of course that's not what he meant, but that's what it sounded like.
"You can't sit here!" Cartman shouted and then added on his classic, "You will respect my authoritay!"
No matter how much they protested against it, Kyle, Stan and Cartman were stuck sitting with, not only, Pip, Butters and Tweak, but also Ryan. The four other boys they dubbed losers seemed to be getting along quite fine, and the three others tried to make their get away.
"Where are yah going, fellas?" Butters asked, noticing their trying to leave.
"Um, nowhere," Stan couldn't think of anything else to say, thus trapping them their further. So, instead of getting up like they were, they all just sat back down and endured the presence of the others they so greatly detested.
"So, Ryan, where are you from?" Pip asked.
"I'm originally from Scotland, but I moved to Canada," Ryan explained.
"Did you play the gay-ass bagpipes?" Cartman asked sarcastically. He didn't expect the answer he was about to receive at all.
"Actually, I do play the bagpipes." Ryan replied with a nod. He seemed rather proud of this, a grin showing on his face. In truth, he was quite proud of this, finding it a unique instrument to play.
"What the hell? Bagpipes? You can't be serious dude!" Kyle laughed.
"Well, I am," Ryan told him, but only received more laughter from Kyle and Stan and Cartman who had decided to join in the big hoo-hah. Ryan's expression grew dark, and suddenly he let out the weirdest noise any of them had ever heard. It sounded like a cross between a scream and a yell, if that were possible.
Their laughter ceased, wondering what the hell had just happened. Then followed a great rumbling noise and the doors to the cafeteria burst open, as well as any windows that were in there. Seagulls came flying into the room, shitting on random people as they flew. A group of them charged at Stan, Kyle and Cartman, who quickly hid under a table for safety. The rest of the students screamed and ran out of the cafeteria before anything else happened to them.
"Oh my god! We're going to die!" Tweak yelled, also hiding under another table before scampering out of the room. He was followed by Butters and Pip, but the others just couldn't make it out. The flapping of the birds' wings began to stop, but they surrounded the table.
"What the hell's going on!" Stan demanded, looking out from under the table.
All the seagulls surrounded their table and were also scattered around the floor. From what they could see, there was only one other person in the cafeteria with them. Ryan stood now, right in front of where he had been sitting and some of the seagulls were perched on his shoulders and one was on his head. They didn't shit on him or try to attack him. They just sat their motionless. Ryan's eyes had grown dark with rage and the angered look still remained on his face.
"Holy shit, what was all that about!" Kyle shouted to him, but the boy only shook his head before heading for the door.
They peeked out from under the bench to see Ryan walking out the cafeteria doors, the seagulls parting and making way for him to get through.
The boys were completely perplexed by what had just happened and wondered why the seagulls didn't attack Ryan. Hell, they were wondering why the seagulls didn't do more than bust down the windows and doors of the cafeteria. Whatever the hell just happened… holy shit it was weird…
"There have been numerous attacks from seagulls around South Park today, the most recent being an elderly man walking home after getting groceries. Thank god he wasn't driving, but that's not the issue at hand. He is now in the hospital and he had this to say," the news guy said as the screen popped up with an old man in a hospital bed.
"Those damned birds! They attacked me outta nowhere! They shit on me and took my groceries! Worst of all, I can't play bingo tonight!" the old man shook his fist at the screen. His haggard voice cracked a few times as he said this, throwing him into a coughing fit afterwards, but he continued to shake his fist all the same.
"There you have it. The mayor has said that this issue will be resolved by our local hunters Jimbo and Ned. This is what they had to say about the situation."
"We'll get the seagulls, don't you worry," Jimbo began, and the rest of the clip was cut off.
"There you have it," the news guy repeated again, as if that was one of the only lines he knew how to say.
"Wow, I wonder why the birds have suddenly started attacking South Park," Mrs. Broflovski wondered aloud. Even as she did this, her mind was wondering if it was all some sort of conspiracy that she would have to protect her children from.
"Hey, uncle Jimbo?" Stan asked, following his uncle down the street. Everyone had been instructed to stay indoors until the problem had been resolved. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman, however, were disobeying this instruction to go hunting with Jimbo and Ned.
"Yah, Stan?" Jimbo looked at his nephew. He toted his gun in hand and was clad in his normal hunting attire. There was even a look of excitement in his eyes at the thought of hunting, though they were just stupid birds…
"Why do you think the seagulls are attacking South Park?" Stan asked.
"We know why dumb ass!" Cartman snapped. "It's that stupid Ryan kid!"
"Now Cartman, a person can't control animals," Jimbo told the fat boy, finding his notion completely ridiculous.
"Well, maybe Ryan's not a human at all. He made the weirdest noise ever, and it definitely didn't sound human!" Kyle agreed with Cartman on this one.
"Mmm, it's coming right for us," Ned said through his microphone, which somewhat distorted his voice. He'd seen what he thought was a seagull all of a sudden, and of course expected Jimbo to take care of it.
BAM! Jimbo pulled the trigger and the bird fell to the ground. They all rushed over and circled around it to see if they got it.
"It's not even a seagull!" Jimbo said, disappointed.
They just left the bird there and moved on. After a while, they came across so many birds they'd lost count, however, none of them had been seagulls. They decided to head back home for a while and try again the next day.
"Hey! There's Ryan!" Kyle shouted, pointing at the boy walking down the street.
Ryan stopped upon hearing his name called and then called out the same noise he had in the cafeteria. The sound of flapping wings came quickly and pretty soon all the seagulls surrounded them once again. Ryan glared at the group as they all backed closer together as to try and escape the seagulls. The seagulls stared up at them with their beady red eyes and made the same noises as Ryan had made, jumping around and pecking at their feet.
"I told you it was that freak!" Cartman shouted at his disbelieving friends and the two hunters.
"Mmm, we're trapped," Ned said through his microphone again.
"Damn right you're trapped. Serves you people right too! How dare you! Who do you think you are! You just can't go around and insult the Lord of the Shithawks!" Ryan told them, pacing in front of their group.
"Who's the Lord of the Shithawks?" Kyle asked, not really understanding.
"I am you shit head!" Ryan told them.
"You will respect my authoritay!" Cartman tried to sound all tough, but the seagulls only attacked him more. "Get your god damn birds off me, bagpipe boy!"
"Shut up you fat ass!" Ryan shouted some more.
"How are we going to get out of this you guys?" Kyle whispered to Stan and Cartman.
"I have no idea! We're in big trouble!" Stan said frantically.
"I have an idea!" Jimbo suddenly pointed the gun at Ryan. "It's coming right for us!" he shouted before pulling the trigger.
The bullet flew in Ryan's direction, but never reached him. A seagull jumped in the way of the bullet to block it, but Jimbo didn't give up. He continued doing the same thing until every last seagull was on the ground dead and there was only Ryan left, but there was no need to shoot him now. Jimbo was about to shoot another bullet, but stopped when Ryan began to have a spasm. They all stared as he did and he just suddenly exploded, spraying his blood and guts everywhere.
The street was full of dead seagulls and the remains of their Lord and Master, Ryan. They all let out a sigh of relief and then headed home as if the situation didn't faze them at all. Pah, they'd just killed tons of seagulls and a child-potential-seagull-crossbreed-or-something-of-the-likes. Nothing to be fazed by there. No.
No one knew who actually did the cleaning up, but the dead bodies weren't on the street the next day, thus enabling people to come out of their homes once again. Everyone seemed relieved that the seagulls were all gone though.
"The mayor is pleased to announce that Jimbo and Ned have taken care of the Seagull problem and it is safe to walk the streets again!" the news guy said happily. "Officer Barbrady had this to say."
"Um, it's good that the um, seagulls are gone!" the weird police officer stated.
"Hello children!"
"Hey Chef!" the three boys said in reply.
"I told you those Shithawks would be trouble," Chef told the three of them.
"Yeah, who woulda thought that another new kid could cause all this trouble!" Kyle said without thinking.
"Yes, new students are quite deadly, it seems." Chef agreed, thinking about this a moment.
Before Chef could even say, 'move along children, you're holding up the line', the three boys had made their way into the mass of the cafeteria. They saw that all the tables were full except one, and they quickly ran over to it. Damn, they really needed more tables in their cafeteria. They thought that they would have it all to themselves, however, that wish was soon trounced upon.
"Oh no, not again!" Kyle groaned as Pip, Tweak and Butters headed for their bench.
"Hey yah fellas!" Butters said in his normal overly cheerful demeanor.
"Ack! Another evil person trying to take over South Park!" Tweak twitched as he sat down.
"South Park must be becoming pretty popular if so many want to take over," Stan said absentmindedly.
"Damn, someone else is going to get to destroy South Park before I do," Butters spoke to himself, and he didn't realize he'd said that aloud.
"Butters what the hell are you talking about?" Kyle asked him with a great deal of confusion.
"Oh, uh, nothing," Butters said quickly, suddenly rubbing his hands together nervously.
"I just hope that no more freaks come to South Park," Stan said.
"Yeah, no more new students!" Cartman said. "The next student that comes, I'm protesting!"
"Okay children, we have another new student. Let's hope this one will be more normal than the other two were," Mr. Garrison said, a girl standing at his side.
Cartman could be heard shouting from all the way down the hall. "God damn it!"
Credits
Ryan a.k.a. Lord of the Shithawks: Ryan Bos
