I managed to convince everyone that I wouldn't finish that murderous rage that put him into the makeshift infirmary if they left me alone with him. I explained that I needed to talk about what happened and that I needed to keep it between the two of us. They were assured when I entered the cramped room and Vantas didn't react badly. He didn't flinch or scramble away. He just started spewing his usual vulgar insults at me at his normal ear bursting volume. Nursemaid Maryam finally acknowledged my request and gracefully stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her. I waited until Vantas had paused for breath before reaching out, grabbing his hand, and locking time down around us. The only things not frozen were the two of us and a roomful of air. Vantas shuddered at the feeling of gears grinding to a halt. Incorporating others into time mechanics was always tricky and definitely not as smooth as just doing it myself.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Vantas asked levelly.

"Ensuring our privacy." I let go of his hand and grabbed the chair. I spun it around backwards and settled heavily with my arms crossed over the top of the back. "It's not that I don't trust them, it's more that I need a guarantee that not a whisper of this gets out and back to him."

Vantas' eyebrows scrunched together over his glare, but he nodded in understanding.

"First thing. I'm sorry," I simply stated. Vantas' jaw dropped open and I took his moment of speechlessness to continue. "I flipped my shit into a realm that was so inappropriate that I don't know how to fully apologize for it. I shouldn't have reacted like that no matter how much you piss me off. I probably would have killed you if Egbert hadn't stopped me, despite your hard head. I don't know what came over me."

"I do," he said softly. "I shouldn't have said that. I can barely think it about myself. I would have probably reacted similarly if someone had said it to me, even if it was Kanaya or Gamzee."

I looked hard at him. Did he just admit to having red feelings for John too?

"So why did you say it?"

"I don't know," he shrugged.

"Bullshit."

"Seriously. I don't have the fucking reasons. Either you knocked that much sense out of me or it was a simple impulse. I had just figured out that your best bros act was just an act, for you at least. That as much as you wanted to keep it pale, you are burning bright red for him, but he doesn't feel the same. I guess I wanted to let you know that I understood. I think it's actually kinda hard not to fall into pity for him."

"I don't pity him."So Vantas was flushing red for him.

"Don't fucking lie to me. My bruised and nearly broken face can attest to that." The scowl made him flinch as it stretched the hurt skin.

"No, I don't pity him. I love him," I corrected. "It's part of human romance. Yea, I find the derp terribly pitiful sometimes, but it's more than that. I admire his strength, his resolve, his determination, his want to do everything right, his dreams to save everyone, his optimism in the face of all of the stacked odds. I want to protect him from any harm. I want to protect his smiles and laughs from anything that might take that away, but at the same time I want him to grow and expand and become the best he can be despite the dangers. I can't just hide him away in a gilded, padded cage. I have to let him go out and get hurt and get over it and get better. I want to be by his side all the time so that I can catch his smiles and catch him when he falls. I want to have romantic dinners and take him to see his terrible cheesy movies. I want to go on adventures and show him the cool stuff of the world. I want to be a part of him and him to be a part of me." I trailed off as water that couldn't possibly be tears filled my eyes, blurring whatever was on the other side of my shades. Gog, I am such a sap.

"I understand, actually." After I blinked a couple of times in order to clear my eyes, I see Karkat's thoughtfully sad expression. He looks like such a little kid sometimes. If he wasn't so obnoxious most of the time, I'd pity him. "And John needs that over the troll kind of pity. John needs more than my pity. Matespritship doesn't quite cover what John deserves. But as much as you love him," Karkat paused, considering his next words. I could see him steel himself against any possible blows that I might throw his way, "he doesn't love you back."

"I know."


Things went back to normal after that. Well as normal as they got in the game, sitting on an meteor with aliens, ghosts, and alternate selves. Except Vantas and I didn't hate snog as often and definitely not in public. We still hate flirted with each other to get the new guys used to it and to convince Lalonde and the other trolls that we were alright. There were nights though that Karkat ended up holding me as I broke down after a particularly painful day. He'd set aside the kismesissitude for a moment and let me empty the dam of repressed feelings and sensations into his shirt. I think that it's part of that Hero of Blood thing. Then he'd drag me out of my funk with some particularly steamy hate-sex. That troll is particularly clever with rope.


There was a month in total between when everyone met up and when we broached the new universe. In that time, we trained with each other to improve our fighting skills and game given abilities.

The trolls are definitely the physical powerhouses and weapons masters as they were raised in a brutal society where even as children, they fought and killed dangerous creatures or even other children on a daily basis. They strifed even more than I did against Bro. Vantas and Maryam will be the foot soldiers, but Pyrope shouldn't be discounted. Makara would also be a powerful ally if he ever resurfaced. I think even at that point Vantas didn't know where is psychotic moirail is.

The humans have the skills blessed upon us by our deaths on our quest beds. Lalonde will be our tactician while Egbert and Harley are the magical bazookas. My job is to keep everyone alive by scratching my death over and over on my turntables. We were as ready as we could be for the next level of the game.