Chapter 4
"I don't think I've ever seen you in a skirt before, Hollis," Lani said in surprise.
"I don't wear them often. Just felt in the mood for it today."
"It suits you."
Hollis smiled. "Yeah, I know."
"Well, come on in. I just finished making my world-famous pineapple iced tea."
"World famous?"
"Well...my children live in a few different countries. They all like it." She grinned mischievously. "I'm technically being accurate."
"Okay, then. I can hardly say no."
"That's right. You can't. Have a seat. I'll bring over a couple of glasses."
"You want some help?"
"No, I don't. Sit down, Hollis." The twinkle in Lani's eyes made it impossible to take her gruff tone seriously...but Hollis obeyed the command.
Moments later, there were two glasses of pineapple iced tea on the table. Hollis looked at hers. She'd never been much of a tea person...not in any form, but it didn't look like it would be bad...and the aroma was quite nice.
"Now, Hollis, you tell me what's going on."
Hollis sighed, smiled and then took a quick drink of the tea.
"This is pretty good."
"World famous. Don't try and change the subject. I'm not the only one who's noticed, you know. The last couple of months, you've been different. This morning, you were so tightly-wound I'm amazed you didn't launch into orbit."
Hollis laughed. "I was probably pretty close."
"What's the trouble, dear?"
"No trouble," Hollis lied, "just an unexpected decision."
"About what?"
"I've been offered a job."
"I'm guessing it's not local."
"No. Los Angeles, heading up an investigative team."
"That's what you were doing before, wasn't it?"
"More or less."
"So, when are you leaving?"
"I don't know if I am yet. I haven't decided."
Lani smiled and shook her head. "Oh, yes, you have. You probably decided as soon as it was offered to you. Now, you're just trying to see if there's anything holding you back." She paused. "Is there?"
"It's beautiful here. Just like I dreamed it would be when I first decided that I wanted to retire to this place."
"Yes, it is...but you're not really happy, Hollis. You never have been. You've been trying to be happy, but you're not."
Hollis took another drink and then looked at Lani. "You're right. I'm not."
Lani sighed sympathetically. "This isn't the life for everyone, you know. It's no crime if you're not one who can adjust to the pace here. It's slow...like Kareem."
Hollis laughed briefly. "It's not the life here, not really. It's my life." She looked out the window at the palm trees. "When I planned on coming here...I never planned on coming alone. In my mind there was always someone else with me."
"This man you were with?"
"Not necessarily. The dream of moving here came a long time ago. I had a huge fight with my mother, stormed out of the house and splurged on a plane ticket to Hawaii...just to prove to her that I knew what I wanted." Hollis laughed at herself. "Some proof. I ended up here and...and I loved it. I thought this island was so beautiful. The people were friendly. I told myself that wherever I ended up in my life, I'd retire to Lana'i. I just also thought that I'd have someone to come with me."
"What's his name?"
"Jethro."
"That's different."
"So is he," Hollis said expressively. "He's the one who suggested me for this job, actually."
"He's in LA?"
"No. No, he's in DC...where I was."
"You still love him?"
Hollis shook herself. "It doesn't matter. Life isn't a fairytale. The prince and princess don't always end up together. Real life has a lot more complications."
"What are your complications?"
"Lani, why are you asking?"
"Because I'm a nosy old woman," Lani retorted but she smiled gently. "...and I think you need the chance to talk to someone. I'm not your mother but..."
"I wouldn't have talked to my mother about this."
"Fought with her a lot, did you?"
"Yeah. It took me going to war to get us talking again. We never saw things the same way. ...but she did want me to be happy." Hollis shook her head in frustration as the tears came to her eyes again. "She did her best, raising us all...basically by herself."
"Your father? Divorced?"
"My parents never married. It was a great scandal," Hollis said, melodramatically, and wiped the tears away. "My father would show up when he wanted to, stick around for a few months, maybe as long as a year and then disappear again...usually right before another sibling would come along. Mom always took him back every time he came around. When he was there, he was a good father. Attentive, loving...but most of the time, he wasn't there. Last time I saw him was forty years ago. I looked him up when I went to college, but I never went to see him. He'd left us behind. I didn't want to know why, if he had another family somewhere and we were just the illegitimate children of an unfaithful man or if he was some sort of career criminal. I thought of the worst it could be...and decided it wasn't worth knowing. My older brothers took his place anyway. I think Marty had the hardest time. He was the youngest. I was second youngest with three older brothers. The only girl for my mother to dote over. ...and I didn't want to be the proper young lady she wanted me to be, the kind of lady she herself wanted to be."
"So instead you joined the army, huh."
"Yeah. ...and even now I'm surprised at how well it turned out. For someone who joined because she was bitter, I sure found my place."
"You were in the Persian Gulf, then?"
"Yeah."
"In combat?"
"Not officially," Hollis said, with a smile.
"Which means you were."
"No women were officially supposed to be in combat."
"Tell me."
"I didn't know you were so bloodthirsty, Lani," Hollis said with a smile.
"Did you ever get a chance to tell war stories?"
"Jason...my oldest brother, he asked. No one else wanted to know what their little sister had been doing."
"Well?"
"I only fought a few times out there. I was trained for combat...but it's nothing compared to being in it. We were told that we weren't supposed to be in combat positions, but it's not like the Iraqi army was going to look through their binoculars, see a bunch of females and say, 'Oh, look; there are women down there. They're not supposed to fight. I guess we'll find someone else to ambush.'"
"You were ambushed?"
"Yeah. Supply route. We were being transferred and they came out of nowhere it seemed." Hollis began, absently tracing the lip of her glass with a finger. "It was one of the most frightening moments in my life...but it was also defining for me. I'd been in the Army for five years by that time...and by being in that battle, killing those attacking us...and watching people around me also being taken down...I found that I was equal to it. We fought them until backup came and the Iraqis tried to retreat. Once they were outnumbered, they weren't interested anymore. When it was over...it was almost exhilarating. I can't say I enjoyed it, but it was satisfying to know that I'd found something I could do...and do well. I could have left the Army after that, found a different job...but I couldn't, not when I'd found the place where I fit in."
Hollis looked down at herself and laughed.
"Do you know how surreal it is to tell you about being in combat while wearing a skirt?"
Lani laughed as well. "I'm sure you are just as adept at handling a gun in a skirt as in combat fatigues."
"You better believe it."
Suddenly, Lani laughed and shook her finger at Hollis. "You're pretty devious, Hollis."
Hollis put on an innocent expression. "I don't know what you mean."
"Distracting me from my question by answering other ones."
"Evasion doesn't seem like evasion if you're still answering questions."
"No more evasion. What happened with you and Jethro? You said you did the leaving. Why?"
"We wouldn't have worked out. I could see it."
"So you broke up?"
"Yeah."
"How did you know you wouldn't work out?"
Hollis leaned back in the chair. "Do you really think this is necessary?"
"Yes. I'm not even going to ask why you would think it wasn't. I'm staying focused this time. You're not going to distract me with other fascinating bits of your life."
Hollis laughed again. "I could tell you some doozies."
"Later."
"He'd been married before. Four times, in fact."
"Oh."
"The first one..."
"Bad, was it?"
"No. That's the problem. His first marriage was the one he wanted...but his wife and daughter were murdered while he was deployed." Hollis sighed. "I suppose his other marriages were attempts to get that again...but they didn't work out. It's...He never told me about them, but I could always sense that there was something he was holding back. I probed sometimes, but he'd never say. So...me being the person I am, I decided that I deserved to know. If he wouldn't tell me, I'd ask others. He found out that I'd been sneaking around behind his back. He wasn't happy about it. Deservedly so."
"So you broke up?"
"No, actually. We worked it out...more or less." Hollis gave a half smile. "It was a...a problem that...it just couldn't go away. He still held me away from those parts of him that, I guess, were too painful for him still. I understand why he was doing that, but I can't be on the outside. I can't be held at arm's length, not from someone I care about. I never expected him to forget about them. I would never have done that. If he could just have let me in..." She took a deep breath. "But he couldn't. I would have had to compromise, to give up on what I wanted in order to stay. Neither of us could take the steps required to meet in the middle."
"So instead, you compromised to come here."
"I didn't. This is what I wanted."
"Not quite, Hollis. You said that you'd always planned on having someone else. You compromised by coming here alone."
"...and to think I promised my mom I'd never settle for something that wouldn't make me happy."
"And you were hoping that he'd agree with you, weren't you."
"Yeah. I naively expected a fairytale ending. We'd had a fight once before. I'll admit that the fighting part was mostly on my side. I misread something and ran off at the mouth before he explained what he'd been doing. I recognized, then, that I'd made a mistake. I said I felt stupid. He agreed and said that I'd sounded stupid."
"Nice guy."
"He was right. I can't tell you how happy I was at that moment, though. Knowing that I was wrong, that he wasn't going to up and leave because I'd been...stupid."
"Not the last time, though?"
"Nope. He didn't say anything...in that way he has. He just stares, as if he expects you to say his lines. I didn't. I said my piece, waited...and when he said nothing, I left."
"You still love him?" Lani asked again.
"Yeah," Hollis admitted with a soft sigh. "Yes, I still love him. It's stupid that, of all the men I've dated in my life, the one man I can't get over is the one I can't have. It's like some silly teenage romance...only without the happy ending. Neither of us could change."
"You're saying you haven't changed in the last couple of years?"
"No, I have. Actually, so has he. I talked with him this morning...or rather in his morning."
"How late in the morning was it?"
"Five a.m." Hollis smiled.
"Evil woman."
"He was keeping me awake. He deserved it."
"And he's changed?"
"He sounded different. Whatever things have been happening in his life over the past couple of years...they've changed him."
"Enough?"
Hollis laughed incredulously. "I don't know. I didn't ask. That wasn't why I called him."
"Afraid?"
"No."
"Be honest, Hollis. If this Jethro called you up and said he wanted to try again...wouldn't you agree?"
Hollis was silent for a few seconds before she shrugged. "I'd want to. I would want to agree to try. I'd want to believe it was possible."
"But you don't?"
"It was so nice having someone who was on equal footing with me. Too many men are intimidated by a woman who can kick their butt. Jethro never was. Probably because he could have kicked my butt."
"You ever try it?"
"Sparring? Are you kidding? We'd have killed each other. ...or else I'd have killed him because he would have held back a bit in the beginning...and I wouldn't have."
"Why not?"
"He's a chauvinist to a degree. Don't hit women. Respect them. All very good traits. He wouldn't have held back a lot, but enough because, while he was raised to be a gentleman to some degree, my mother never succeeded in making me a lady. I was too used to having to give my all and more in order to compete on equal standing with my fellow soldiers. If we'd sparred... It's a good thing we didn't." She laughed at the image she could see in her head.
"Maybe you should have."
"No. Definitely not."
"So...are you going to take the job?"
"I don't know."
"Are you going to talk to Jethro again?"
Hollis smiled. "No. I don't think it would be a good idea."
"You could ask him yourself..."
"No. I asked him once. That's enough. I'm not going to be the kind of person who doesn't let things just end."
"But are you letting them end...or are you ending them yourself?"
"Very gnomic."
"You're evading again."
"Just staying out of the line of fire."
"You don't seem like the kind of person who would give up so easily."
Hollis shook her head. "It wasn't easy, but I had to decide if I was going to hold on to something I had no hope of changing or if I was going to cut my losses. I chose to cut my losses."
"What if he wanted to talk to you?"
"He wouldn't. That's not Jethro's style."
"You said he's changed."
"Not that much. He wouldn't come and beg. He's not a lap dog."
"Would he have to?"
"No. He wouldn't...but I think I'd check for Armageddon if he showed up at my door and told me he wanted to try again."
"And if he did?"
Hollis looked at Lani and thought about it for a few seconds...not that she really needed to. She knew the answer.
"Hollis?"
"If he did...I'd say yes."
"So...when are you leaving?"
"I don't have to make a decision yet."
"But you already have...and you know it."
Hollis smiled helplessly. It was true. From the moment she'd received that email, she had known that there was no way she could pass up the chance...to escape from her self-imposed exile.
"Basically, it would have to be right away."
"Fools rush in?"
"That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to make it more difficult for people who are already having a difficult time."
"Well, I won't push you, but you make sure that you stop in before leaving...because I know you're going to go."
"All right, Lani."
"Now, you go and...do whatever."
Hollis finished off her ice tea and laughed. "I will. Maybe I'll trip the light fantastic...or just trip. That would work, too."
"You just figure out how to make yourself happy."
"Lani, if I could do that, I wouldn't have this dilemma at all."
