A/N: Ack. I didn't update last week... and right after Nirejseki made a comment that she was glad I updated regularly T_T. I'm sorry, I had a busy week that week... and the past week's been busy too, so I kept on trying to finish this but couldn't. Bleaugh. And I've been going through a stage, too... (Half the time, I'm more writing-oriented, and the rest, I tend to draw and compose. It's like my muses keep on taking turns shutting down parts of my brain...) ...and this always happens in the middle of something!

Ur... explanation about the Nita-not-explaining/introducing-the-presence-of-her-angels-to-other-people business... there's three reasons for that, actually. One of them is that the first two chapters and the prologue all happen in the space of one day, and she really isn't with anyone long enough to really get out of shock and explain... she gets up, is confronted with a miniature version of the Lone Power, and, just when she's about to accept that, gets the One's Champion dropped on her head (or on the LP's head, as the case may be). The second is... well... how would you explain to your family or friend that a pint-sized version of the ultimate evil in all creation, whom you and two out of three of the individuals encountered have vowed to fight? The third reason is that there's something further along that may not work without this. It might work otherwise, but... I'm still a little undecided about it. We'll see.

Disclaimer:

"The Wizards series

Belongs to Diane Duane,

So please do not sue."

—a koi, speaking on my behalf.


On the Care and Keeping of Shoulder Angels

OR:

A Wizard Under Annoyingly Close Watch Due to the Boredom of a Certain Power (And the Kind But Unappreciated Concern of Its Sibling)

Chapter Three: Disciplinary Measures

"It is well known that shoulder angels are, as a general rule, quite contrary creatures. Most believe that, to the angels' credit, it is due to their natures rather than any spite or inherent unpleasantness. However, this creates quite a large problem when taken in conjunction with the fact that the only beings normally capable of seeing them are their masters (for descriptions of the exceptions, reference "Special Adaptations," pg. 364) . This can cause massive problems, when left unchecked—the angels may attack or aggravate other humans (for which reason they are often, in real-life situations, confused for imps), or argue amongst themselves to such an extent that their owners may accidentally react to their antics in a visible manner, often resulting in their being branded as a lunatic or worse. Therefore, it is quite necessary to impress upon your angels how important it is to, at the very least, keep their antics down to a minimum."

—St. Behemiel's Guide to Popular Supernatural Household Pets Vol. 4: Shoulder Angels


Okay, the Ancient Romans associated Apollo with which of the Egyptian gods... come on, I know this...

It was Monday morning, history class. Nita had just had a somewhat restful night's sleep, albeit filled with odd dreams of coconuts and flying saucepans. The Lone One and the Champion had slept on her bedrails, hanging upside-down like a bat or clinging like a koala, respectively. Which probably explained the purple bats and pink koalas in her dreams. And was awakened in the morning by...

An argument. Surprise, surprise. Something about time zones and the relative correspondences between New York and Huitpochtli or some such... wherever that was.

But, in any case, Nita had the answer just on the tip of her brain...

 "It was Horus. Annoying little fellow, I say. Kept on 'checking other people's work.' I think he was just neurotic ..."

 "Shh, she's taking a test."

"So?"

...um...

"You're not supposed to tell her, dear."

"Why not? I don't see anything wrong with it..."

"She's supposed to figure it out by her self, that's the point of a test!"

Uh, guys...

"Oh, fbbth to you. I'm me, what do you think they modeled dishonesty after?"

"Don't get cute with me. And that particular Power was Imhotep, too..."

"So? He was also Asclepius at one point. You hypocrite."

...ah... hello...?

"Well, they don't know that, do they? The point of tests here is to see how well you know the material presented to you—"

"Then why are you volunteering information like that?"

"Excuse me, but I had just been asking you the same thing."

"No, you didn't."

Um, excuse me...

Nita's pencil point broke on her test paper.

"My dear, dear brother, why oh why is it that you have a memory that extends countless millennia, and yet still can't remember the specifics of something you just said about half a minute ago?"

"Hah, hah, oh very funny. This is my minor form, electron-brain. You know as well as I that we're both closer to hominids in structure, and therefore cognitive ability, in this form..."

"In this variation of this form, at any rate..."

"WILL YOU STOP CONTRADICTING MY EVERY WORD???"

"AAAAAAAH!" Nita screamed aloud. And was met with utter silence and nineteen pairs of eyes staring at her: those of her classmates(most of whom seemed to have cut classes to avoid the test), her teacher, and the two angels.

Blink. Blink.

Blinkety-blink blink blink.

"Uh... broke my pencil... aha... ahahahahaha.... ahem. Um.... .... ......... ..."

"Great going. Now they're going to think you're neurotic," commented the Lone Power. And was promptly introduced to a saucepan, wielded by the Defender. Hello, Mr. Saucepan, how nice to meet you. I'd love to converse freely, but that REALLY HURT, so I think I'll just settle for something a bit less extensive.

"Ow!"

"And to whom would the fault in that lie?" the Defender rhetorical-question-ed, putting the saucepan away to wherever she'd gotten it from in the first place (presumably a claudication of some sort)

"Hey, I wasn't the only one!"

"Yes, but you started it."

"And how, pray, was I the one who started it?"

"You were giving her answers!"

"So?"

"That's cheating."

"...you know, it's times like this that I'm really not surprised you're the patron of policemen."

Nita's pencil paused over her latest answer as its owner peered over at the two bickering angels quizzically.

"...so? Yeah, I am. And Gabriel is the patron of communications workers, and Raphael has medical workers, and you've got lawyers..."

"Now, that's just culture. It was never canonized."

"Wasn't it? I've never really kept track of what the Vatican thinks about us, there're just too many different opinions apart from them... where did that come from, anyway?"

"..oh... I'm not sure, really. It may have been because of that one time..."

"That... that one time what? Why does your tone worry me?"

"I don't know why my tone worries you, should I be expected to read your mind? I'm talking about the one time I got bored of my day job and went to Harvard to get a degree in law so I could take a break from the monotony. I mean, you get rather tired of being chased hither and thither by wizards all the live-long day, you know. Lawyers are much easier to deceive than wizards. Most of them, anyway. Well, at least in this continuum."

"...you went to Harvard to get away from things?"

"..."

"Harvard. I swear. That was rather irresponsible of you, you know. We're not supposed to get that involved in human lives.."

"Well, excuse me, Mr. 'I'm-going-to-hang-around-in-Ireland-for-a-few-decades-and-hey!-why-don't-I-foster-an-illegitimate-child-with-a-married-woman-while-I'm-at-it?'"

"Now, that's different."

"Different exactly how?"

"Now, I'll have you know..."

...and so it went....


About an hour and a half later, Nita and the rest of the students swarmed out of the classroom to their next classes (science, in Nita's case) like a sea of lemmings to the Arctic Ocean (except, in this case, it was some hundred-something different Arctic Oceans).

"So! What's your next class?"

Um... Science...

"Really? Great! Which course are you taking?"

The Defender was met by two sets of sidelong glances.

"What? I'm trying to take an interest."

"You don't need to necessarily sound like someone's mother while you're doing it, you know."

"I'm sure I've been someone's mother at some point in my existence."

"That's beside the point. You... squick!" it squeaked as it ran into the doorframe of Nita's science classroom.

"Watch your step."

"Oh, ha, ha, very funny."

And then it noticed Nita and the Defender had already migrated to the other side of the room.

"Hey, you can't just ignore me like that!"

"No, we can't," agreed the Defender. "Look what happened the last time we tried..."

"Are you implying something here?"

"Who, me? Perish the thought."

Nita, meanwhile, had taken her seat at the front, right corner of the room, and was dutifully unpacking her homework.

"Hi," the boy sitting next to her—George Peterson, the singularly most mundane-looking (muddy brown hair, thick glasses that disguised the color of his eyes, grubby complexion...) and sensibly confused individual she'd ever met—greeted. "Did you understand the homework? I didn't get the P-waves and S-waves..."

Nita blinked at him.

"But Mr. Reedley went over the entire thing in class about seven times last time..."

"He gave us the answers one by one, yes, but I don't really think he explained it..."

"How do you go over these answers without explaining the concept?"

"You birdbrain."

"You what?" asked Nita, before she realized it was the Lone Power, not George, who'd spoken.

"Uhh..." George blinked. Although it was hard to discern due to his impressive prescription.

("Now, you shouldn't resort to name-calling when I make a point," the Defender chided.)

"Um, never mind. I..."

At this point, the bell rang.

("I'm sorry. You made a point? I didn't quite catch it, there..." the Lone Power sneered, as said point flapped around his head looking more like a winged pig than anything.)

"Where's Mr. Reedley? Isn't he usually here at least a few minutes before class starts...?" George asked, looking around as though he expected Mr. Reedley to be hiding under a table. Or chair. Or the equipment cupboard. Or a piece of paper.

("That's because you don't pay attention to anything that doesn't involve something you can toss back in my face," the Defender replied calmly.)

"Maybe he's stuck in traffic?"

"But  the morning rush hour only lasts until about 8:30."

"That's what you think..."

"Eh?"

Birds fly south, salmon swim upstream, caribou migrate to new feeding grounds, and Nita confuses the comments of the Lone One for George's.

"..." George agreed.

"...oh, never mind. Alright, here, look, I'll explain this to you while we wait for Mr. Reedley to show up... Um.... okay, the P-waves are the faster waves, and they can go through all of the states of matter in the interior of the earth, so..."

...some time later...

"...so, the event horizon is where you get sucked in? Like the edge of the little swirly tornado thing at the bottom of a draining tub?" asked George. Their conversation had bounced its way along like a mad bunny on steroids through P- and S-waves, the speed of sound through different states of matter, what causes a sonic boom, and the prospect of exceeding the speed of light, finally landing with an awkward fwump! into the wild and wonderful cabbage patch of black holes.

"...uh, sort of," Nita replied. "Well, it's rather... no... wait, that's about right..."

Okay, it's been about half an hour into class. Two thirds of the class did not show up, including the teacher. My last class was also missing a good number of students. It could be a coincidence, but I somehow doubt it... I think now would be a rather good time to try to figure out what's wrong...

"Uh, excuse me, George, I've got to go..."

"Oh, okay. Don't forget to turn in a bathroom pass."

"Uh, right..."

Nita rushed out the classroom to the nearest girl's bathroom and hurriedly locked herself into a stall, followed closely by the two shoulder angels (who had, up until then, been arguing the entire time). She then pulled open her claudication and fished out her manual.

"Okay... search options, search options... Wait a minute, what am I doing? I've done this before... ack, not enough space...aw, man..."

Nita stepped out of the 2x2 stall and looked around.

"Um... there's enough space here, but... look, could at least one of you keep watch for me and make sure no one comes in here?"

"I'll do that," the Lone One offered, fluttering off.

"Okay..."

Nita blinked, frowned and stepped back, trying to calculate how much room she would use.

"Need help?" chirped the Defender.

"Uh... what?"

"I can help you with that..."

"Oh... okay..."

The two of them set to work on the spell as the Lone Power aero-stalked around the entrance like a paranoid barn-owl who had recently left its previous habitat for one night, only to return to find it replaced by a gigantic strip mall.

Nita found that, despite the Champion's... eccentricities... in her current form, she was still a very big help in completing the spell. Hence, she was already almost done with the spoken part of the spell when the Lone Power outside was confronted with a large blond girl trying to get in. Hence, Nita did not notice the yelling outside as the little ball of  fluff and semi-redeemed evil engaged in trying to shoo the girl away. Hence, it was unable to alert Nita and was hindered by the fact that it was invisible, and too small to be much of a threat even if seen, anyway. Hence, the struggle was more akin to an American tourist in Africa trying to fight off  a midget bat in the middle of the night than anything else.

The effects of the spell blossomed outward... a little window appeared in front of Nita a foot outside the edge of the spell circle...

What happened next was timed so perfectly that some divine choreographer must have sat down and specifically planned it that way.

Firstly, the blond girl, one Joanne Virella, in fact, rushed into the bathroom with a slam of the door, having somehow dodged the Lone Power... who was nonetheless still pulling on her hair.

Secondly, a black ball of not-stuff popped out of the "window," hovered in the air for a brief moment as though considering its surroundings, and then, without warning, zwshhhh!-ed right at Nita.

Now, if you can imagine two little toy cars traveling at a right angle towards one another, one x-units away from the vertex and traveling at y-speed, the other 2x-units away and traveling at 2y-speed and covered in half-dry whipped cream....

The result was rather like a bowl of ten-week old custard left out too long, either due to irresponsibility or an intrepid young student trying to do an experiment on mold culture, plopping onto the nice, linoleum floor and going in all directions.

Or:

SPLAT.

In so many words.

Silence, grumbling at having to come back to this group of idiots after just escaping, settled rather sulkily over the entire scene for a few moments before giving up as the Lone Power burst out into hysterical laughter.

"This is not funny!" the Defender asserted. Her twin got a hold of itself immediately, although there was still an amused smirk on its face.

"Funny? Oh, no one said it was funny. It's just..."

"Callahan!" Joanne Virella advanced upon Nita, looming like the GREAT SPECTER OF DEATH! ...except the specter of death itself was right there, and very much incapable of looming in its current form. "What the [censored] do you think you're..."

"Um, Nita...!" squeaked the Defender, not looking at Joanne.

"What..." began Nita... and then stopped, as she felt a tug on her manual, which was jerking spastically towards the little window (which had not disappeared as the spell terminated). "Hey! That's mine!"

A fierce little tug-of-war ensued, in which Nita and, apparently, the window battled for possession of her manual...

"You tried to help her, didn't you!?" the Lone Power yelled at its sibling, grabbing hold of Nita's manual to help pull.

"Yeah! What about it?" the Defender replied, flapping in to help.

"I should have known, you...rrgh!"

"What are you implying!?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing at all! It's just that you're such an unreliable klutz sometimes!"

"Hey! It's not my fault this turned out differently than the way we wanted it to! I've never..."

"Oh, yeah? What about the one time you blew up that planet...!?"

"That was an accident!"

"AND THAT'S MY POINT EXACTLY!"

And then, all three of them were suddenly thrown backwards as a something black and very fast shot out of her manual and back to the windowlet, which promptly closed. Nita and the two mini-powers stared at the spot where it vanished for a moment.

"...is everyone okay?" Nita asked finally.

"Um... that girl's gone..." the Lone Power commented, pointing where Joanne had stood moments before.

And, indeed, Joanne had disappeared. Nita blinked.

"Weird..." she commented uneasily.

"Maybe she went away after all that?"

"Uh, right..." Nita frowned. "I think I'll... check to see if I'm on active..."

She flipped through her manual to check her stats. They read:

"CLLHN, Junit T.

E. Clinton venue

Hempsted NY 11575

(516)555-6786

Journeymn rting 243

(RL +4.5+/-.15)

On ctive sttus"

"Um... aren't there supposed to be more a's there?" Nita asked, frowning. She flipped her manual to the front cover...

It read, "So You Wnt to Be Wizrd."

"Oh, great..." Nita moaned, staring at it. "Can either of you tell me what this means?"


A/N: Whee! The plot's actually getting started now! Gasp! Although this may not be exactly what it sounds like... remember, this is a humor.

Ur... there are a couple of things I'm not sure about the accuracy of... I based Nita's stats on the ones in High Wizardry, I'm not certain if they changed by the end or not... and I'm not sure if lemmings jump into the Arctic or the Pacific, but... please excuse me if I'm wrong ^_^7.

Comments are always welcome!

And while you're at it, ponder this: if knowledge is power, and power corrupts, then what does knowledge do?