Thanks for all the reviews, keep them coming...the more I get the more likely I am to sit down and write! Hopefully this chapter kind of ties up more of the loose ends from the last few chapters.
Rating: T to M, mostly for language
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, not the books, show nor songs.
Never Tear Us Apart
Chapter 4: she didn't mean a thing to me
Flashback five years from present
"I really don't know if this is the right time for us to be involving ourselves in this project…No, no, I don't think so. Well, let me talk to the other partners, and I'll get back to you. Yes, I know there's a deadline, I'm only here for another three days, but I will get back to you before I leave." Nate clicked off his cell and sighed. He looked out the floor length windows at the San Francisco skyline surrounding him on all sides. Every day, Nate thought about how he got to this point. After the Yale incident, Nate returned to New York, packed up his bags and was set on heading out far West to USC, which his father was still against. So, as a compromise, he ended up stopping somewhere in the middle, creating a new life for himself at Northwestern in Chicago.
He had seen Blair only once more, a year after the Yale incident. It had been at the Palace ballroom, a charity event for Constance Billiard-St Jude's over Winter Break. She had been sitting at a table reserved for alumni of their class, and he had gotten a good look at her profile. He was also supposed to sit at that table, but upon walking in late and seeing her, he turned right around and went to his favorite spot in Central Park and smoked a joint. Somehow, in a year, she had grown more sophisticated, so much more worldly and he was jealous that she was moving on and he was not. So, he conveniently skipped all charity events every time he came back into town to visit his family. It was better for him to remove himself from that world, than suffer every moment he was in it.
Since then, visits back to New York had become far and few between. His family was totally awkward to be around and his friends were scattered all around the country. Chicago was an amazing city and he slowly replaced all of his old friends with new ones. With Nate's looks and connections, he found himself just as accepted as he had been in Manhattan. He loved that no one knew him and that he was far from the reach of his father. He loved that no one knew his past or anyone from his past. He dated here and there, but no one was ever good enough. Every girl he ever dated, he compared to her, so they mostly ended up being short-term hookups. Their hair wasn't as soft as hers, they wasn't as cunning as she was, their style was not as refined as hers. His friends thought he was nuts, but they could not understand, they could only sit back and be confused by his behavior. Hell, he was confused by his behavior. Nate acted like he had something to prove, and he did. He wanted to prove to Blair that he too could exist and excel without her.
Even if he had not had luck with the ladies, Nate still possessed a special charm. A charm he used to worm his way into investment banking. After all, he had always been great with numbers, especially when he was high. Nate made the Captain proud by making a small fortune managing hedgefunds, but he was not destined to spend his life in an office. He invested in properties in New York and Chicago, and he was out branching out to the West Coast, which brought him here to San Francisco.
He walked out on the wharf and watched as the sea otters lazily tanned on the buoys. One of them looked up at him and barked. He named it Blair. Nate missed sailing, but he didn't have the time anymore. He vowed to make a trip out with his father, but he knew that probably wouldn't happen. He walked along the pier, out of place amongst the tourists. His phone rang, but he ignored it. A performance artist dressed as the Statue of Liberty stood frozen in front of a large group of people. A flash of blond hair caught Nate's eye. She dropped some money into his hat, and the Statue of Liberty winked at her, causing her to smile back.
She turned towards him, and her face opened up in a huge smile. "NATE!" She ran over to him, taking him in her arms. Out of the corner of his eye, Nate saw the Statue of Liberty flip him off.
"How's it going, van der Woodsen?" She kissed him warmly on both cheeks. She should have been angry at him for not keeping touch, but she couldn't be. It was fate. Her prince charming had just rode in on his stallion, ready to take her away. She hugged him close, and the familiar scent of patchouli filled his nostrils. She took his hand and they walked off, looking like two perfect models having an insanely wonderful day.
"So, tell me everything!" And Nate did, filling in all of the details that she so desperately wanted to know. He conveniently left out the fact that he was still desperately in love with her best friend, and not with her.
Serena had achieved fame with Breakfast at Fred's. She achieved superstar status with the sequel and the dozen of other movies she had made over the years. Even though she had all the success and the money, and the fame, she had never wanted nor needed those things in the first place. She had tried again with Dan after Nate left, but the long distance thing never worked. She even tried to seduce Aaron into coming back to her, but that failed to work also. So when she spotted Nate at Fisherman's Wharf, she thought that her life had been turned around.
And we all thought that had been Blair's dream?
Nate, heartbroken over Blair saw in Serena what he could not have with Blair. Her hair, as long and shiny as he remembered, lightly feathered across his arms every time she laughed. Maybe things could work out after all. He looked at the tiny laugh lines on her face, and suddenly he thought of her best friend. He knew even if Serena worked out, Blair would always be the pervasive thought running through his mind and his heart every morning when he opened his eyes and every night as he lay his head on the pillow.
This is the moment
That you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
She is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
But, the thing was...Blair wasn't here in front of him. Serena was.
I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me
The afternoon of reacquainting themselves and talking about life soon turned into a drunken night of inhibitions, like many do. They spent a night exploring each other's bodies in Serena's hotel room, even though it was not what Nate wanted. The sex was just as good as she remembered it, maybe even better. He was tanned, and much stronger. He was more forceful, and he seemed more experienced, which made her insanely jealous because all of the years he could have been with her, he was out with those other sluts and whores. Still, while Serena had been utterly happy that night, Nate had been utterly heartbroken.
I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings and every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day
When the sun hit her eyes the next morning, she turned into an empty bed. She panicked and looked around her room, afraid he had abandoned her again. He stood, with his back to her, looking at the view of the Bay from the window.
All I see are dark Grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."
"Nate?" He turned and looked at her, his eyes red. He was holding a frame, a picture of her and Blair taken at Blair's graduation from Yale. They had both looked so happy in the picture, so happy without him there to get in the way. He wanted to throw it across the room. He cursed Blair for ruining this moment for him. Serena sat up in bed, pulling the sheets up to her chest, feeling very naked and vulnerable. The realization killed her inside.
"You still love her, don't you?" she choked out.
She understood, because somehow she always had known, and he knew she was the only one who would.
So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
From that day on, Serena and Nate kept his little secret. She knew this was the way it was always meant to be, and she didn't hold a grudge against either of them. Blair was still one of her oldest and dearest friends, and if she could not have Nate for herself, she at least wanted Blair to have his heart.
And Nate had been right after all, within a few months, Serena moved on to another guy with whom she was completely in love with, and then another, and then another. Everything was good between them. They occasionally met up when he was in town, and talked about the old days. She was the only girl left that he hadn't turned away from completely and he needed her to keep tabs on the old gang, well namely on one person. He kept in touch with her, just to have that connection with Blair. Serena encouraged him to call Blair, knowing full well that Blair was single and in medical school, but not knowing how long it would be until some handsome McDreamy would capture her heart. He begged her not to tell Blair. He would approach her on his own terms, at the right time. And so five more years passed, and Blair did not know. Nate kept busy with work and with play. Serena had always meant to tell Blair, even though she knew that Nate should be the one to profess his true feelings, but as scatter-brained as Serena was, she always conveniently forgot.
Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie
