A/N: You're all wonderful. That's about it. Thank you for all your reviews and tumblr messages and tweets and ksdfnjskjf. You make my heart sing with joy. And I promise I won't take so long to update next time.
This chapter... who even knows where I went with this. So please... I beg of you in advance, don't hate me. My brains writes what it writes and we go with the flow... And just a pre warning thing, Kendall is a whore. That is all.
So... enjoy?
Song: I Need To Know - Kris Allen. So good. So sad. Makes me so emotional. Listen to it.
Chapter Four - I Need To Know.
Logan shouldn't leave someone who's so inebriated go off into the darkness alone. And when he says inebriated he means tipsy, and when he says the darkness he means Kendall's home, and when he says alone he means James will be there.
But still.
James is probably a great person. Logan is sure Kendall worships the ground James walks upon, it's obvious in the way he blabbed about "James this" and "James that" and "did you know one time James and I.." And on and on and on. Which is fine. Logan shouldn't be jealous. He's not. Jealousy is the lowest form a human being can stoop to.
Actually.
Let Logan rethink that.
He just hates the thought of James being there for Kendall in a way he will never be able to... And Logan doesn't necessarily mean that to be a sexual thing. James is Kendall's best friend, something that Logan has really never had. He's had friends; he's got his sister, but a best friend... Someone to tell secrets with, to laugh with, to watch bad movies with, to make jokes that only the two of you understand... That one person you know that even if the whole world was against you, they'd be by your side. Logan wants that. Which is why he knows he shouldn't be bitter about James. He's not.
"I really think you should come in with me" Kendall pouts as they walk up the small path to their homes.
"Kendall, we already stayed out way later than I should have, they're going to be suspicious"
"Pfft. No they're not"
"Kendall, you're never going to understand are you?" Logan says, grabbing Kendall's wrist and stopping them just before they are in seeing distance of his house.
"No, I understand perfectly"
"And yet you still try and push me?"
"Look, you didn't have to come out tonight. I'm just hoping that the more and more time we spend together you'll... I dunno"
"I'll what? Give up my religion and come running into your arms?"
"No" Kendall sighs, "I just want you to loosen up a bit"
"I think you have to appreciate that I even came out with you at all"
"And I do appreciate it"
"Good. Now, let me go home"
"Ok. But there's something I want to do first"
Kendall shifts Logan's hold on his wrist so their fingers slide together effortlessly, and he smiles when Logan holds his hand tight. He takes a step forward, and instantly see's Logan's barriers go up.
"No, you're not kissing me"
"I wasn't going to" Kendall smiles softly, lifting their joined hands to his lips and placing the lightest of kisses on Logan's wrist. "Well, not on the lips anyway"
Logan looks like he is going to cry, his fingers tightening their grasp on Kendall's hand and looking up into those green eyes that shine like the sun.
"Kendall" He whispers, taking Kendall's other hand and interlocking their fingers. "I want you to kiss me"
"You do?" Kendall breathes, stepping in closer so that their foreheads are almost resting together.
"Y-yes. But I just... I don't know if I'm ready"
"I know you think I'm trying to push you, but I honestly don't want you to do anything you don't want"
"I know" Logan breathes, "and that's exactly why I want you to kiss me"
Both their breaths are deep, heavy and quick, as Kendall releases his fingers from Logan's and cups the brunette boys face gently in his hands. His thumb brushes over Logan's cheek bone, and he can feel Logan almost trembling beneath his touch. Kendall knows he is scared, knows that for Logan this isn't just going to be a simple kiss, it's going to be the moment everything changes.
Kendall leans in and lets his eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips softly and hesitantly against Logan's. And Kendall was right; it is when everything changes, but not just for Logan.
Logan's heart is beating loud and hard in his chest, but the minute Kendall's lips touch his own; he melts. Melts into Kendall's touch, his embrace, his everything. Melts into everything Kendall is, everything he says, everything he does and everything they are going to become. He is falling, falling so deep he can't get out.
Kendall's lips are rough, and yet soft. His hands hold his face firmly, yet gently. He never wants Kendall to let go, he wants to stay in this moment forever. Hidden by the trees and the stars, hidden from the world that will never accept Logan for who he truly is. But maybe, maybe Kendall is right. Logan could run, turn on the only life he's known and be what his heart really wants.
But is this what his heart really wants? To go against everything he believes, everything he's known? Could Logan do that?
Could Logan give everything away for some boy that he barely knows? Some boy that holds his lips with his own in such a way that makes Logan catch his breath? A boy?
Logan doesn't realise soft tears have started to spill from his eyes until they reach their joined lips. He pulls back, looking down at the ground and trying to stop the sobs that threaten to crash their way through his chest.
"Logan, are you ok?" Kendall whispers, voice laced with concern, as his finger tips brush the tears from Logan's cheeks.
Kendall being sweet only makes it worse.
Logan looks up into Kendall's eyes, seeing that concern and affection and –
No.
Logan's not going to try and tell himself there's love in Kendall's eyes.
He takes Kendall's wrists and removes his hands from his face, holding them gently before letting go.
"I'm so sorry" He cries gently, before turning and walking off into the darkness.
"Logan?" Kendall asks in disbelief, "Wait!"
Kendall goes to run after Logan but before he can he sees the front door of 1J slam shut, and no matter how badly he wants to he knows it wouldn't be wise to go knocking on the door. Instead he stands outside for a minute, trying to wrap his head around what just happened. Apart from pretty much deciding he was in love with this boy he barely knew, he thought Logan felt the same way... Kendall had kissed plenty of people in his time, but... but not like that. He knew Logan was scared – terrified in fact, but he didn't think Logan would run.
And that hurts.
All he wants to do now is crawl into bed, wrap himself up in his covers and try and forget the whole evening. Forget the way Logan's cheeks would blush when he was embarrassed, or the way he would bite his lip when he got nervous, and the way his hand would tighten around his own, or maybe how his chocolate eyes would look into his... or maybe how it felt to kiss those sweet, soft lips for the first time and feel his heart explode.
Yes, he wanted to forget all of that.
But as Kendall opens the front door to 2J and steps inside, he realises that his dream of curling up in bed undisturbed isn't on the cards for this evening.
You'd think it would be shocking to walk in on your best friend having sex on the living room couch, but for Kendall... not really.
"Oh my god, yes, J-James, right there" Carlos moans as James thrusts him deep into the couch.
In other circumstances this would probably be hot. Weird, but hot. Because Kendall's not going to deny that James and Carlos are both incredibly attractive men and he would be absolutely lying if he said the three of them hadn't gotten... well hadn't gotten a little bit more than friendly on more than one occasion, but right now; he's not in the mood to watch or hear or be any part of it.
Instead of alerting the two to his present vocally he drops his keys down on the table with a smash, smirking when their heads both snap in his direction. But of course, and not to Kendall's surprise at all, they don't stop.
"Hey buddy" James grins from the couch, snapping his hips forward and making Carlos whine into the leather upholstery. "How was your – fuck – how was your date?"
"Not having this conversation right now James" Kendall says, looking into the fridge for something to eat as both men continue to moan and groan.
"P-Please Kenny? I wanna hear all about it?"
Kendall turns back around, watching James pout at him for a second before he throws his head back at a particular hard thrust into Carlos.
"Not whilst you're having sex on our couch"
"B-But –"
"I'm going to my room" Kendall interrupts with a shake of his head and a small smile, walking past the two and ignoring the interest in his pants.
Now is so not the right time.
Kendall kicks off his shoes and jeans, desperate to just die in his boxers and a t-shirt. He feels like that would be an ok way to go. And whilst hearing his two best friends scream and cry out from the lounge room is something that would normal bother him, tonight it's sort of taking his mind off Logan.
Sort of.
If you had of asked him this morning, he'd tell you that James and Carlos make him jealous because he wants to be grinding Logan into the couch. He wants to hear Logan cry out his name, feel his hands grasp at his back in an almost desperate need. He wants to own Logan, completely, possessing the boy in a way he didn't even know was possible. He wants to see the look of Logan's face when he comes apart at the seams, clinging on to Kendall as his body shakes and his mind goes blank.
But that's not why he's jealous now.
Although yes, Kendall still very much likes the idea of all those things, he wants more now. He doesn't want to simply have Logan screaming his name and coming undone, he wants to lie with Logan afterwards. He wants to hold the boy tightly as they look into one another's eyes, not saying a word but at the same time one million thoughts passing through them. He wants to kiss Logan softly, to tell him that he loves him and that he wants to stay that way forever.
Kendall hates his heart sometimes.
A soft knock on his door snaps him out of his thoughts, and he grunts as a way of saying "come in"
"Heyyyy best friend" James grins from around the door, "May I come in?"
"Are you naked?"
"Nope"
"Fine. Come in"
James smiles happily, shutting the door behind him and practically leaping onto Kendall's bed.
"You know I think the 'are you naked?' question might also constitute to wearing nothing but boxers" Kendall chuckles as James lies down next to him.
"I disagree, because they are clothing, I am clothed, you can't see my junk; point made"
"You're an idiot"
"Who you love"
"True"
They both smile at each other, James then taking one of Kendall's hands in his and holding it tightly. "So, tell me about your date"
"It wasn't a date"
"Whatever. How was it?"
"I don't know..." Kendall says slowly, lifting up his other hand to play with James' long fingers. "It was... I think I really like him"
"Oh no" James groans, moving to his side and resting his head on his propped elbow, "I know that face. That's your love face"
"My what face?"
"Your love face. When you start to fall in love with someone you get this... look, and I just know"
"That's not true..."
"Bullshit. The first time I saw that face was when we were 15 and that new kid, what was his name? Aaron or something, came to our school and you basically fell over yourself to be friends with him"
"Dude, I didn't even know I was gay when I was 15"
"Lies"
"Fine. But I didn't "love" Aaron"
"No, but you were an impressionable 15 year old that let yourself believe anything. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that you hardly ever let yourself fall for anyone, and when you do I notice it. Because I'm your best friend and I know you better than anyone"
"True" Kendall smiles, putting their still clasped hands on his chest and running his thumb over James' knuckles.
"So, you're falling for Logan huh?"
"I guess" Kendall sighs, "It's just... it's so complicated"
"Because he's a religious freak?"
"Yeah, but turns out it's just so much more than I anticipated... I thought it would be easy to get him into bed, after a few charming lines and few smiles... but he's wound tight man. Although..."
"Although?"
"I did get to kiss him this evening, finally"
"Wow. How did that go?"
"Oh James, it was incredible. Like, I don't want to get all sappy on you but it was so amazing... all that crap about the stars aligning and fireworks going off... it's true"
"I know" James smiles, "It's what happens whenever I kiss Carlos"
"How do you know you're in love?"
"You just do" James shrugs. "I know that's not very helpful, and I could give you some big thing about how when you look into their eyes nothing else matters and all that crap, but at the end of the day, if you're in love; you'll know"
"Thanks James" Kendall smiles, lifting his head up slightly off the pillow to kiss James softly.
James kisses Kendall back, shifting his weight so he is now pressed into Kendall's body. Kendall releases their joined hands, moving his hands around James' back and pulling him in closer and tighter with his grasp. James is still hot and sweaty and Kendall can smell sex on his skin. He moans loudly as James' hips roll down into his, opening his mouth to give James full access of his tongue. Kendall pushes James slightly and rolls them over so he is now on top, not breaking their lips as he straddles James and grinds his hips down, making them both groan.
"Do you want to have sex with me Kendall?" James breathes heavily as the blondes lips start to suck at his neck.
"Yes" Kendall moans as James' hand moves to palm him through his boxers, "So badly"
"Good" James grins, flipping them over again and pinning Kendall's wrists above his head. "Want to make it a little more exciting?"
Kendall nods, lifting his head up as much as he can to kiss any inch of skin he can see as James yells out, "Carlos!? Get in here!"
Kendall grins as James' lips reconnect with his, breaking free of the confines of his wrists so he can fist his hands roughly through soft brunette hair.
They part from each other for a second when they hear laughter from the door way, seeing Carlos standing there with a huge smile on his face. "Well, I'm glad I got invited to the party"
"Of course" Kendall says breathlessly, holding a hand out to Carlos and pulling the boy down on the bed when their skin connects.
As Kendall drags his finger nails down Carlos' back with one hand, and holds a fistful of brunette hair in the other, two sets of lips kissing and biting their way down his torso he lets a brief thought pass for the cute boy just across the path, with his blush and his creamy pale skin, the chocolate eyes that sparkle like the stars...
But this thought is fleeting.
Because if tonight is doing anything according to plan it's got one thing right; Logan is definitely (for the majority) the last thing on his mind.
Logan tries to tip toe through the house as quietly as possible, really hoping, no praying, that none of the other men will hear him come in..
"Elder Mitchell, is that you?"
If Logan swore, now would be the perfect opportunity.
He wipes the tears from his eyes that are still threatening to spill and tries to compose himself before entering the living room. He takes a deep breath, telling himself that it's going to be ok and it's not like he's going to have a big "I kissed a boy" sign hanging above his head, they're not going to know. He just prays he doesn't smell of alcohol or smoke from the bar.
"Hey Elder Zevon, how are you going?" He smiles feebly as he rounds the corner.
"Good good" He says, putting a bookmark in his Bible and settle it down on the coffee table. "How was Mass?"
"Uh yeah good" Logan coughs; he's always been a terrible liar. "It was peaceful to get out for a while"
"You're telling me" Zevon chuckles before he pats the spot on the couch next to him. "I want to talk to you Mitchell"
Logan swallows the lump in his throat, trying to not let on his freaking out as he sits down next to Elder Zevon. "Is everything ok?" He asks, voice shaky and nervous.
"Well, that's what I was going to ask you"
"Oh..."
"Look, I know it's hard. Trust me, when I first came here I hated it. Moving away from your family, away from everything you've known... it's really hard. But in time, it will get better"
"Yeah" Logan sighs, feeling himself relax a tiny bit "It is hard. I just miss home, and my family... And I can't even talk to them"
"I know. And look, I think I would be ok with even being able to watch TV or read an actual book, but we can't. But once we do our time here, we'll go home and I can marry Selena and finally get to have sex with her"
Logan coughs awkwardly, finding this conversation even more uncomfortable than going to a bar with a gay man. "Selena's your... girlfriend?"
"Yep. And you have no idea how hard it is to not be able to even jack off to the thought of her"
"Oh... Um... I... wow uh –"
"Unless you do? Got a girl back home Mitchell?"
"Ahh no" Logan stutters, looking down at his lap and feeling his cheeks turning their familiar shade of red.
"Aww no one? No one you've secretly fantasised over? I promise I won't tell"
"Well... there is this one... um girl..." Logan tries to not put any emphasis on the world girl.
"Yeah? What's she like?"
"She's pretty amazing" Logan says with a small smile, "She's got this beautiful sandy blonde hair that I just want to run my fingers through... a smile that makes me feeling I could do anything with these adorable dimples, and her eyes... oh her eyes. They're so green, and so bright... It's like God's light shines in her eyes and I could just look into them forever. But it's not just her looks, everything about her is wonderful. Her laugh, her stupid dumb jokes, the way that just by being with her makes me feel like a better person... Because she makes me want to be a better person. And she knows me in a way that no one else does... we haven't known each other that long but she's the one who believes in me, and accepts me for exactly who I am... everything I've been and everything I'm going to become... Everything's just... everything is better when she is around."
Logan let's a shaky breath escape his lips when he finishes, feeling that familiar sensation of tears well up in his chest. But he doesn't think they're sad tears necessarily.
"She sounds wonderful" Zevon smiles sincerely, "What's her name?"
"Kathy" Logan says without missing a beat, the first name coming to his mind.
"Cute. You must be missing her"
"Mmm" Logan hums in agreement, not too sure how saying "well she lives just two seconds away". But in all honestly, Kendall might not be on the other side of the country, but Logan... Logan does miss him. He's starting to realise more and more that he misses Kendall when he's not around. He wants to feel Kendall's hand in his, lips on his... He wants to be with Kendall, and not just for a night.
"Um, I just realised" Logan says quickly, jumping up from the couch. "I uh left my coat at the Church"
"Oh. Well, we're going tomorrow so just get it then" Zevon replies, only slightly taken aback but Logan's sudden shift in mood.
"Ah no, I had some important things in the pockets... letters" Logan almost face palms, knowing that not only is it a terrible lie but he could get into serious shit for having letters when they're not allowed.
"Oh. Well, ok" Zevon smiles, getting up from the couch and placing a hand on Logan's shoulder, "I won't say anything. Go get your letters lover boy"
"Thanks" Logan smiles, touched by Zevon's kindness.
"Just don't wake me up when you get back!"
Logan gives him a thumbs up and a grin before ducking out the living room and the front door, and he marches straight over to Kendall's house and knocks loudly on the front door.
He waits for a moment or two as he hears crashing around and laughing coming from inside the house, wondering what on earth Kendall is up to. Finally, Kendall answers, his eyes instantly going wide when he see's Logan standing there. Logan's eyes going wide too, partially from the fact Kendall is in nothing but a pair of boxers.
"Logan, what are... what are you doing here?" Kendall says breathlessly, half shutting the door behind him awkwardly so Logan can't see inside the house.
Logan takes a deep breath, running over quickly one more time in his mind what he is going to say. There's no room for hello's, no time for small talk and apologies.
It's time to put the cards on the table.
"Kendall, I wanted to come and tell you... I realised something. I was away from you for what, half an hour? And it hurt more than anything ever has. More than leaving my family, moving here, being alone... Because my heart figured it out... I don't want to be away from you, and I'm sick of trying. Kendall, I wanted to tell you... that I think I'm ready; I'm ready to freefall into into the unknown with you. Because I think... I think I lov –"
"Kendall!" A loud yell comes from inside the house, interrupting Logan. "Are you coming back? Or are me and Carlos going to have to go on without you?"
Roads in front of me
Taking me astray
Are you leaving me?
Or are you leading the way?
Can you hear what I'm saying?
I need to know
Feel like I'm trying to breathe under water
Trying to climb but I keep falling farther
Will you take my hand?
I need to know
