Falling into the category of 'ridiculously late post episode pieces' This came after I re-watched The Good The Bad & The Baby & it explores the ground I wish they had done more to deal with in regard to Kate's resistance and unease in dealing with Cosmo.
4
I See Life in Pink
Kate found herself drawn up from the depths of sleep. It was a gentle process, nothing had startled her awake, it felt natural, even though there was not even a hint of sunlight light yet in the eastern sky. Even so though the room was not entirely dark, ambient light from the city bathed the space in a ghostly glow. It was something you grew used to, but when you encounter the night sky in a less densely populated area, with reduced light pollution, such as up at her father's cabin or out by the ocean in the Hamptons, that you recalled how dark the night could actually be. Sometimes she would step outside only to be stopped in her tracks, blown away, as only someone who lives life largely in built up areas, where the sky is never truly revealed, can be. Instantly captivated by the vista stretching out to infinity right above your head. Kate Beckett loved moments like that, loved sharing them with Castle - and there was a tiny murmur from somewhere deep within her brain, still buried beneath the duvet of a heavy sleep, which asks why her disjointed post-sleep thoughts are spiraling to the cosmos now…
She glanced to the digital readout of the clock on the bedside table to her side of their bed. 04:26 it read in faint grey-blue light, the punctuation between the digits blinked away the seconds relentlessly, 26 ticked over to 27 while she watched, pondering on why she was awake at all.
She rolled gently to her back, stretching her spine once she had shifted. Whatever had woken her, it wasn't Rick. He was still as a log and would probably remain in the same position all night. Unlike her, he would find a comfortable position and not move once sleep claimed him. She on the other hand was far more restless and would change position regularly during the night. She had an intense disliking for any constrictive or heavy bedding, she liked to be untucked and able to move freely. Often she would often kick away the sheets only to wake cold and drag them back over herself in the pre-dawn chill, which was probably more to do with her metabolism than any real change in ambient temperature. It was a good job Rick was a heavy sleeper, or he would most likely have kicked her to the couch long ago.
She found herself listening intently to the now familiar sounds of the loft, not that there were many. The high quality glazing kept out most of the street sounds, which in the city famed for its lack of sleep, never died down entirely, however inside the sanctuary of these walls, there was only the faintest trace. The loft was its own little biosphere, separate, calm, cushioning its inhabitants from the din and clamour of the outside world.
There was only a whisper from the state of the art central air system, the electronic brain of which constantly monitored and regulated the temperature of each room on a minute to minute basis, it would independently adjust the settings to ensure their environment was perfectly conditioned for every moment they resided within these walls.
Aside from that, there was Castle's deep and slow rhythmic breathing beside her, and that was all. There should be no other sounds, yet she continued to strain her ears ...There was something.
Beyond Castle's breathing and her own, she found another, an altogether more rapid rhythm, shallow and soft all the same. She zoned in on it, filtering out everything else to fix her attention on this foreign noise. As she focused on it, the pattern changed it became erratic and more snuffly. Accompanying this was the barely audible swishing of soft fabric, hardly there at all, but her trained ears picked it up with ease, the rustling, for that's what it was now, was becoming more agitated by the second.
Kate's reptilian senses must have stirred long before the logical part of her brain, for now the primeval portion of her psyche began to rouse the still lethargic, higher functioning cerebrum from its slumber and with it came resolution.
The baby. Cosmo. Sleeping in a basinet close by Castle's side of the bed.
He had insisted, "You have work in the morning Kate, I can stay home and goof off with this little man. You need to get some rest."
She saw the sense in that, not only for the reason stated, but also because Rick was so much more comfortable and natural with the baby. She felt tense and unsure with the tiny boy. Actually not with Cosmo, she was more uncomfortable with herself, unsure of her ability to do exactly the right thing, precisely when he needed her to do it. She doubted that she could be good enough for him and underlying that thought there was a deeper fear, one which resounded though her entire being and which she dared not delve too deeply into, let alone admit to, not even to herself.
Rationally she knew she was over thinking things and that in her doing so, she was creating fear within herself which prevented her instincts from flourishing. Even though she craved that natural instinct, whished for it to assert itself, she was also afraid of it.
She also understood that the boy would pick up on these emotions and it would prevent their bond from strengthening, she also knew that she had been purposefully avoiding contact and the cultivation of a bond with him, for all these reasons and so many more.
Where Castle had leapt in without fear or reservation, Kate overwhelmingly felt trepidation and apprehension.
Kate accepted that an enormous part of it was down to experience, of which Rick had a vast catalogue to draw upon, where as she had hardly anything at all and that which she did have was all with children much older than Cosmo. Bigger was better, Kate thought. Cosmo was scary small and so helpless. Her inexperience felt insurmountable in the face of this brand new soul, who was entirely reliant on Castle and herself, at least for the time being. She felt ...inadequate.
The first sound of dissatisfaction came from the baby, she knew he was awake now and judging by that little grunt, she knew he would soon begin to cry, unless she did something to prevent it.
Castle had to be exhausted, as he was the one who had done the majority of the heavy lifting when it came to the baby. He been with him all morning, seeing to all the basic needs of a child who arrived with absolutely nothing, not even a name. Then he worked the case with her only to accept the boy back without reservation when he realized the plight of the child, who would otherwise have ended up in care at an all ready over-crowded crisis centre.
In truest Castle form he accepted responsibility for Cosmo instantly. What threw her most of all was that officially the boy would be under her care; her NYPD credentials meaning she was already vetted and therefore deemed trustworthy in the eyes of the state, even though in her own she was vastly unqualified for such duty.
But with Castle's insistence and reassurance that they would be fine, she acquiesced and in truth she had no desire to see the poor kid placed into a system already stretched beyond its limits, merely because of the pressures of the holiday and therefore lack of a better option. They were the option, with a wealth of resources free to offer, as Castle was keen to point out. Kate knew both she and Cosmo were going to have to rely heavily on Rick for the duration of the boy's stay.
They got him home with a minimum of fuss. Castle fitted the car seat into Kate's Charger with ease, then settled the baby in securing him with the harness. Almost as soon as they exited the precincts parking garage the boy fell asleep, lulled by the movement and hush inside the vehicle. Kate drove with ultra-caution, she already felt the responsibility for her precious cargo already weighing heavily on her. Cosmo hadn't roused once during the length of the ride home, only coming around slowly when Castle carried him up to the loft.
Castle responded with such natural paternal warmth. Kate watched him with the baby while he changed his diaper, the way in which he dealt with Cosmo holding him, talking to him and caring for him, it caused a genuine grin to burgeon. It was also the first time she began to feel a sense of comfort and contentment with the situation, with Cosmo in her arms, his form soft and warm snuggled against her, his tiny fingers grasping at her own. Kate found herself melting at her core. She felt her face flush and desire pool despite all the contradictory thoughts she'd harbored all day, her grin transformed into something else entirely. Castle caught her at precisely that moment, "What?" he asked.
Embarrassed she deflected with a simple response of, "Nothing" then diverted her attention back to the baby in her arms, though whether she was attempting to distract Castle or herself was highly debatable.
Castle had continued with his surrogate parental responsibilities long into the evening, he was a one man baby entertainment system; he bounced the child, played with him and told him nonsense stories from memory, which Kate felt sure they were Alexis' childhood favorites, committed to memory long ago. That was until Cosmo started to show signs of tiredness once more. Castle bathed the boy insisting that it would help him relax before bed. When they emerged from the bathroom the baby looked utterly content, relaxed and totally adorable as he lay snuggled against Castle's chest.
While they were bathing, Kate had prepared a bottle of formula, trusting herself enough to properly mix and warm it having read the instructions on the tin, now she handed it off to Castle who had settled himself on the couch with the increasingly sleepy boy in his arms. He had accepted the milk with a soft smile, automatically testing the milk's temperature against the delicate skin of his wrist. "Thank you Kate," he said his voice deep and soothing, she watched with admiration as nurtured him with both the milk and simple human contact as the child fed. The sucking was strong to begin with, he made short work of two thirds of the bottle, but gradually he slowed and just before he drained the last of the milk, his lips slackened altogether. Cosmo was fast asleep. Castle set aside the bottle, and smoothed the child's face with a gentle hand, "Sleep tight little guy," he whispered gently standing from the couch. "I'll put him to bed," he said with a goofy grin, "I don't think I'll be far behind him either. What do you say to a bowl of pasta and then bed?"
"Sounds good to me, I'll cook while you settle the house guest." Kate said watching the pair as Castle gently cradled the sleeping boy, carrying him to bed with a gentle stride. And there it was again, that heat within her, the stirrings of desire. Yes, she was now beginning to see the appeal and would address it in time, but not now. Until that time came, she decided she should use this experience to learn about Castle and to a greater extent, learn about herself.
After a swift dinner they stuck to the plan and went to bed. Castle was expecting a broken night's sleep and it wasn't long before the first disturbance, in the very early hours of the morning, "I got this, sleep Kate," he said and pressed a gentle kiss to her temple when she stirred at the baby's cries.
"'Kay" Kate mumbled sleepily and she vaguely heard Castles warm chuckle and felt the bed dip as Castle got up to attend to him, the cries shushed swiftly and then she was out one more.
This time however, Kate felt compelled to go to Cosmo, to comfort him and attend to his needs, whatever they may be. She slipped from bed, having the benefit of time to wake fully, she was quiet and agile as she skirted the foot of the bed, her bare feet silent on the plush carpet, she did not disturb Castle who was still in a deep sleep, no surprise given the day he'd had and the shift he'd put in.
She slowly approached the bassinette and the tiny boy cradled within, his snuffles had become louder now finding his voice, just seconds away from letting rip in Kate's estimation. As she drew nearer Kate could make out the scrunched expression on his tiny face. "Oh don't cry, here, come on baby." She said instinctively having reached his side, her words seemed to have the desired effect, the boy turned his head seeking out the source of the voice, his cry temporarily suspended. Kate immediately reached in to scoop him up in her arms, somehow now it was just down to her, it all seemed to fall into place. "Yeah, that's better," she cooed softly working to adjust her hold on him, cradling him in her left arm now leaving her right free. She rested her palm on his warm tummy, stroking soothing circles there. "Come on little man, let's give Uncle Rick a break hmm? He's really sleepy."
Kate lifted the baby's soft blanket from his bed to take with them, she slung it over her right shoulder then made for the door to Castle's adjoining office and the rest of the loft beyond. Once she'd passed though the office and into the living room, now having two sets of closed doors between them, she felt a little more secure. She hoped to avoid waking Castle at all. She could do this.
She knew that the hug and a chat would only work for so long, he needed something from her and as if signaled by that thought the baby began to cry in earnest. "Oh, I know sweetie, being a baby sucks doesn't it? Can't go anywhere, can't tell people what you want… Well that's why I'm here to help you, see?" Kate tried to keep her voice calm and soothing even though there was just the tiniest hint of worry, of doubt creeping, stalking, threatening. She chose to ignore it and if it grew she fully intended to crush it down before it could grow in stature.
"Okay, so the way I figure it, you're after only a very select number of things right now and my best guess is that you need a combination of at least two or three of them. So, how about we start with the most obvious and work our way through?" And there was one very obvious problem, demanding to be dealt with without further delay. She carried the baby over to Castle's blanked clad sofa, which had been serving as their changing area.
So far changes had been Castle's domain, but she figured that the application of a fresh diaper would not be beyond her. She settled Cosmo on his back, keeping him well away from the edge, with his head to the left and legs to the right, in what felt like the most natural position to get this done. Everything she needed had been stored in a plastic box on the floor to her right, she got everything out first and placed it on the sofa, she even had the presence of mind to loosen the seal on the wipes and check over the eco-friendly diaper first, spreading it out to familiarize herself with it before she attempted to remove the dirty one. "That looks about right, what do you think?" she asked the boy out loud, setting the diaper aside, ready in what she hoped would indeed turn out to be the right way round, ready to slide under his bottom once clean. Cosmo's cries continued, but they were not yet at a volume or intensity which concerned her. "Let's get this done, then you'll feel much better okay sweet boy?" And with that Kate began unsnapping the poppers on his onesie, opting to take it off completely rather than only pulling the bottom half off as she'd seen Castle do earlier that evening. "I'm not ready for that level of sophisticated technique, not yet," she found herself voicing her inner thoughts, she felt like it was helping both of them to have this one sided narrative conversation running, so Kate kept it up.
She slipped the onesie off, revealing his gloriously round tummy and chunky legs with adorable creases on his thighs. "Look at these legs!" she exclaimed in wonder, her fingers were drawn to them instinctively softly doodling patterns on his skin, which seemed to sooth him further and the cries tapered off noticeably. "Are you ready now? Let's do the dirty deed."
Kate pulled the Velcro tapes away and opened up the package, leaving it there for the time being. "No peeing on Kate now," she said with a smile, gently lifting both his legs which he obligingly bent just so, once she brought his feet together. She rolled him up easily then grabbed some wipes to clean him, completing the job with three. Pleased with her work she bundled the wipes up in the dirty diaper, then rolled it into a neat ball setting it aside to deal with later. Swiftly she brought the fresh, strategically placed diaper under his hips, then gently lowered his legs, wrapping the front over before securing it with the fresh tapes. "Yes, that's much better isn't it?" she asked folding the top band over leaving them with a neat and comfortable looking finish. "Stage one complete!"
Kate took a moment to check over the onesie. It felt fine, dry and cozy so she redressed him in the same one and was by far more difficult than the diaper, getting his little wriggling legs into it was hard, getting his arms in was worse especially the second one, when she had to stretch the cloth in ways it wasn't designed to in order to get him inside. "What's going on here little one? Come on, help me out," gently she kept at it, manipulating both the garment and his arm and eventually she got him in. She made swift work of the poppers once she'd made sure she had lined the first one up correctly. Then she lifted him in victory, "All finished! How's that my little friend?" she snuggled him close to her against her shoulder where he fit against her body in such a natural way that she began to wonder why she had found holding him so freaky earlier. Kate stood up, patting his freshly changed butt in what she came to realise was a heartbeat like rhythm and she wondered idly how that happened.
"So what's next?" she mused, "I think you might be ready for some milk," she checked the time for confirmation and figured it had been almost four hours since his last bottle. "How about we try that then see if you might go back to sleep?"
Earlier she had made extra formula for just this instance, so all it needed was warming in a water bath, and they should be home and dry. Kate dropped the bottle into a jug and topped it off with water from Castle's top of the line 'instant boiling water' tap, managing to do all that with just her free hand, keeping Cosmo snuggled safely against her on her left side. "Won't be long."
While the bottle warmed she found herself shifting side to side, rocking and gently bouncing the baby with the movement of her body and then she found herself humming what she first thought was a nonsense tune, but soon her mind supplied words, sung by the deeply smoky voice instantly recognizable as Louis Armstrong, but under that she heard a second voice, one much softer but no less emotive, the voice of her mother.
Until that moment she had forgotten that her mom used to sing that song to her, but now it came flooding back with startling clarity, which shocked her in the most wonderful way, it made her heart leap in her chest and she felt her legs tremble as her eyes flooded with hot tears. But these were not tears of despair, they were tears of sweet recollection flooding her with her mom's love, which had power still, to reach beyond the years which had separated them since her death.
Kate both lost and found herself in that moment.
Her humming choked off briefly, but she continued to sway, enjoying the memory and the closeness of the boy in her arms. She thought of her mom and his mom, who must be so lost without her son and desperate. Kate clutched him a little tighter. "We'll find her baby, promise," she reassured the boy. Then having once more found her voice, she resumed the song, this time singing along with the two voices still resounding through her mind and her soul. "Hold me close and hold me fast, The magic spell you cast, This is la ve en rose…"
Her thoughts sped along as she sung, she thought not only of her mom, and his, but she began to think of herself as one. Of a child of theirs, of what their baby might be like and of all the moments like this she would have and share with Castle. She realised how much she wanted it. More than she thought she could, considering how she felt at the beginning of the day, even into the evening. But a confidence and desire was growing, along with belief.
Belief in herself and what their future could look like and this time it was both clear and not at all frightening.
She reached the end of the song, her voice smooth and confident. "Give your heart and soul to me, And life will always be, La vie en rose."
Unseen by her a shadow shifted slightly in in the doorway, moved by the words she sang and the passion, wonder and hope contained within them.
I would like to say thank you to all who left messages in response to the previous chapter, especially you Moochiecat, who I would have contacted to thank in person, but I can't PM guests and I couldn't find anyone here with that name. However know that your words helped as did writing the piece in the first place. My dad died shortly after I published chapter three and I have no regrets burdening me and feel that I did everything I could to ease his passage to whatever, wherever he went...
