Chapter 4 Grief
Katara lay silent and still in the darkness of her room, staring blankly at the icy ceiling. The nurses passed in and out over the course of the day, checking on her, tidying up the room, and checking on the baby. Although she had been in a catatonic state for days, the nurses kept her hands bound to the mattress to make sure she wouldn't attempt anything again. But nothing had changed in days; she never moved and never acknowledged a soul. The healers were beginning to worry that nothing would bring her back to reality. They all knew that Sokka had gone to find the Avatar and they all patiently awaited his arrival; hoping against all hope that Aang's presence would make a difference.
The healer's all knew Katara in life. She was a strong spirited woman, full of hope and love. She was smart and savvy and talented in bending as well as healing. She was tough and courageous in battle and kind and caring to all people, no matter their nation. All were qualities that had attracted the Avatar to her, no doubt.
She was quite simply an inspiration to everyone, especially the younger generation of benders and healers. Everyone knew the story of the Avatar and the water bender. How she rescued him from the iceberg, and then helped him save the world. How she had mastered her element by age 14 and taught the Avatar to water bend herself, and how she had managed to capture the Avatar's heart. Their lov affair was very romantic and exciting and was the talk of nearly every town, but their whirlwind romance had come to a tragic and sudden end.
Although it had begun like a fairytale, it most certainly had ended like a horror story. After the tragedy in Ba-Sing-Se, Katara had become nothing more than a weak and feeble woman whose only wish was to be joined with her beloved son in the afterlife. She was a mere shadow of the heroine she once had been. Katara left Aang in Ba-Sing-Se months after the loss of their son and rumors swirled about how the Avatar had turned his back, not only on the world but also on his wife.
The truth was simpler, but just as tragic. Katara blamed Aang for what happened to their son and Aang blamed himself. The two became so lost in their grief that they grew apart and gradually the relationship crumbled. After the tragedy the two inseparable lovers had become nothing more than two lost souls stumbling through a world that had taken away their only son, shattered their hope and destroyed their dreams. They retreated into themselves and in the end they could not even bring themselves to look at one another let alone forgive each other for the hurt each had caused the other. Though love did, and always would remain in their hearts, the grief and pain was much stronger.
Katara lay comatose but not unaware. Her mind was perceptive, but remained in a dream-like state. She knew she was alive but she did not know how long she had laid here in this bed. Days passed without her knowledge, she could hear the healers and nurses gossip and move about the room and she knew that Suki came to visit her all the time. She would often hear the healers discussing her condition with the Kioshi warrior, though it was hard for her to keep details straight in her mind.
On this particular day she overheard Suki and one of the healers talking in hushed tones about who Katara perceived to be another patient in the healing center; a woman with a child in her womb.
"The baby is developing normally for the most part," the older woman stated, "aside from being an abnormally low weight."
"That's good," Suki replied with a relieved tone in her voice.
"Do you think that her husband will come," the woman questioned.
"I have every hope that he will," Suki replied, "the two of them have been through so much…but I know that they still love each other…I know he still cares…he has to come."
"We are all hoping," the woman replied, "we are hoping that his presence will be what will bring her back."
"I think it will," Suki replied, "and this baby…this baby just might be the miracle they need to bring them back together."
Katara could not help but to feel sorrow for the woman. She imagined that it must have been a difficult situation for the woman to be separated from her husband while pregnant. She silently remembered when she was expecting, she remembered how wonderful life was then. Aang was so attentive and overjoyed. Every day he surprised her with flowers and catered to her every need. Images of her husband flashed through her mind. She could see his gray eyes, his wide handsome grin…it had been such a long time since she had seen that grin. Katara was lucky enough to have had Aang by her side during the happy months of her pregnancy, but it didn't matter in the end. Ultimately this other woman's situation was far more hopeful than Katara's could ever be. This other woman still had hope, she still had a child, the possibility that all could be set right still existed; the possibility that her family could reclaim what was lost still remained. Katara had no such chance.
The life Katara had known would never be again. Her little boy was gone forever in the blink of an eye, and the relationship with her husband had completely crumbled. In their grief they had pushed each other to the brink of destruction. The beautiful life they had created and shared was now tainted by tragedy, leaving them to barely coexist in a nightmarish reality. Katara still loved Aang…she always would, but too much had happened…too many hateful words spoken…too much heartache to bear. Their once loving relationship was now little more than a bitter and painful reminder of what was and what could never be again. In the end the loss of her son and her marriage was far too great and she simply wanted the pain to end.
She heard the chair pull up next to her bed and a body slump into the seat.
"Sokka should return any day now," Suki sighed, "I certainly hope he convinced Aang to come back." Katara pondered Suki's words. She was not sure how she felt about her statement. Aang wouldn't come here. Would he? Aang was too consumed, too broken to care about her anymore. She had given up the hope that things between them could ever be okay again. In her mind Tenzin's death was Aang's fault. If he had been there…if he had just stayed, Tenzin would have been safe. Katara had blamed Aang from the beginning. She had taken her grief and heartache out on him completely. Though deep down in the depths of her heart she knew Aang was not ultimately to blame, she simply could not find it in her heart to forgive him. The truth was that Aang was a reminder of the pain and heartache. Every time she looked at Aang all she could see was her son, in his eyes, in his mannerisms, in his actions, and all she could think about was the fire that had taken Tenzin away.
Katara's thoughts were interrupted when she felt a hand holding hers. The smooth thin fingers grasped her's tightly and gave a gentle reassuring squeeze.
"I know you have been hurting for a long time Katara," Suki's voice sounded heart-felt and tearful, "and I know you blame Aang…but you must know deep down that he is not to blame…you must know how much he truly loves you." Katara felt a twinge of pain in her chest as Suki spoke. She furrowed her brow slightly as she could feel tears forming in her eyes. Suki smiled at the subtle expression Katara had made, taking it as proof that somehow, wherever Katara was, she had heard her words and responded the slightest bit.
"I know you love Aang too," Suki went on, "you need him just as much as he needs you….the only way both of you will get through this is if you are together." As Katara listened to Suki's words a brief vision from her past flashed through her mind.
…
Toph's family had offered Aang and Katara lodgings in one of the many homes they owned in Ba-Sing-se until they could get their affairs in order. Since the moment they had arrived Katara had shut herself in her room. She refused to come out and had refused to speak to anyone. Her emotions fluctuated from heartache to anger to unbearable depression. She could not bear to hear anyone's condolences. All anyone could do was say how sorry they were, and what a tragedy it was, as if she didn't already know that…as if anything they said could make her feel any better. No one could understand; no one could help. Nobody could give her the only thing she truly wanted…her son back in her arms.
She sat silently on the floor clutching the only piece of Tenzin she had left, a blue blanket that was covered in soot. It was the only thing that had survived the fire, the only evidence he had existed at all. Katara's heart throbbed at the thought of her little boy. She didn't know how to say good-bye or how she could accept that he was gone. She didn't know how she could cope with the fact that she would never again see his sweet face, never rock him in her arms, and would never again hear his little baby voice call her mama.
Her thoughts were disturbed when she felt a hand upon her shoulder. She looked up briefly to see Aang standing at her side. He knelt before her and gazed at her sorrowfully.
"What do you want," she said softly.
"You've been cooped up in here for weeks," he replied. Katara remained silent, her tears continued to spill from her eyes.
"Katara," Aang said softly, "this isn't healthy; you need some time away from here, away from this room." He sighed heavily in frustration. Katara remained silent.
"Please let me take you somewhere," Aang continued, "away from Ba-Sing-Se, anywhere you want to go." Katara looked up at him with anger and hurt in her eyes.
"I don't want to go anywhere with you," she replied in a low voice.
"Katara…"
"No," Katara whimpered.
"Please Katara," Aang's voice broke up as he spoke, "tell me what you need from me, what do you want me to do…I'll do anything."
"I want you to bring back Tenzin," she cried.
"I wish that I could," Aang sobbed, "I would give anything to bring him back to you…"
"But you can't," Katara yelled, "He's gone forever…and it's all your fault!" Aang gazed back at her, his eyes filled with unbearable pain and sadness.
"I'm sorry," he whispered emotionally, "I'm so sorry." He reached for her hands and attempted to hold them. She quickly ripped them away from him and gripped the baby blanket tighter in her fingers.
"Just leave me alone," she cried.
"Katara please…don't shut me out like this…I love you," Aang replied in an emotional tone, "If you would just let me in…we could get through this together."
"I don't care," Katara wept, "It doesn't matter anymore, Tenzin is gone; our family is gone."
…
Katara's heart throbbed as she recalled the painful memory. The truth was that she had pushed Aang away. After the fire he had tried so hard to get through to her, to help her, to show her that he loved her. But Katara remained distant. Time and time again she resisted his affection and concern. She pushed him until he simply didn't try anymore.
Aang sat silently in utter disbelief of what Sokka had just told him.
"Pregnant," he mumbled practically to himself, "I don't understand." Sokka came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Aang turned to Sokka with a look of shock on his face.
"I know it's a little unbelievable," Sokka replied.
"Unbelievable," Aang repeated, he stood quickly and began to pace, "unbelievable!" His face contorted from shock to anger.
"I can't believe she did this to me," Aang yelled, "How could she keep this from me?"
"Aang," Sokka intervened, "just hold on…you are overreacting…"
"Overreacting," Aang fumed, "overreacting, she left me Sokka…without telling me about this…she deliberately kept it from me!"
"Aang," Sokka yelled, "just calm down and listen for a minute!"
"I don't care," Aang yelled back, "I don't care how much she hates me…I have a right to know about my child!"
"Relax Twinkle toes," Toph angrily interjected, "would you listen to yourself for a second…what makes you think that Katara even knew she was pregnant?"
"Six months Toph," Aang replied dryly, "six months…how did she not know she was six months pregnant."
"None of us knew," Toph defended, "she's not even showing for spirit's sake! But that's beside the point….Do you honestly believe that Katara would try to commit suicide if she knew she was pregnant?" Aang turned away from Toph sharply and stared blankly down at his nightstand…he gazed at their wedding portrait once again. Deep down, he knew that Toph was right. Katara would never have tried to hurt herself if she had known of the child growing in her womb. He picked up the portrait and stared at the lovely water bender. He knew her so well then, he knew how her mind worked…he knew every shade of her heart...he knew the depths of her soul. Now this person that Sokka and Toph were talking about was unrecognizable. Never in a million years did he ever think she would attempt such a horrible act. Katara was proud, she was strong…she had a spirit that was unbreakable, she was happy, and loving, and fun to be with…it broke his heart to think about how much she had changed…how much they both had changed.
He remembered how close they were, how loving and blissful. She was his best friend, his lover, the mother of his child. It saddened him greatly to know how quickly everything about them had changed. They had gone from being inseparable lovers unable to stay away from each other to mere coexisting strangers unable to utter even a single word to one another. Aang closed his eyes tightly and tried to remember the last time he held her, touched her, or seen her beautiful smile. His mind drifted back to the last time they were together before everything fell apart.
…
Aang lay on his side propping his head up with his arm and gazing lovingly in her direction. She laid across from him with her back facing his direction. She was sleeping peacefully, unaware of his gaze. The thin sheet draped across her shapely body, her hair fell like a cascading waterfall over her smooth olive toned skin. He silently took in the beautiful woman before him, his lover, his wife, his best friend. He simply could not get enough of her. She was everything to him. His entire existence revolved around her. It seemed the moment he fell from the iceberg, he had also fallen for her. And ever since then he had done everything in his power just to get her to notice him. It was a wonder that he found himself here now, laying across from her, basking in her beauty and feeling like the luckiest man on the planet.
He leaned toward her and softly kissed her bare shoulder. He draped his arm gently across her waist and pulled himself closer to her. She stirred slightly as a sleepy moan escaped her lips. Aang smiled slightly. He pressed his body closer to hers he leaned down and kissed her neck and shoulder. He breathed in deeply taking in her floral scent. Everything about her was mesmerizing to him. Her soft hair brushed against his face, the feeling of her soft skin against his. He tried to commit everything about her to memory, knowing he would be away from her for a few weeks.
Suddenly Katara yawned. She sleepily rolled over to him and gazed up at him. Aang smiled warmly in her direction.
"Hey," she whispered with a sleepy smile.
"Hey," Aang replied. He could feel his heart begin to race, as it did every time he saw her smile. Katara rolled on her side to face him. She reached her arm to him and ran her fingers across his muscular shoulder. Aang continued to gaze into her sapphire eyes; his heart nearly bursting with love and desire for her.
"What time is it," she whispered.
"Almost seven," Aang replied.
"Oh no," Katara pouted as she rolled onto her back and crossed her arms. Aang chuckled lightly
"What," he questioned in an amused tone.
"You have to leave soon," she replied with a sigh.
"In like six hours," he replied with a chuckle.
"In six hours you leave," Katara replied, "but in two hours Tenzin will be awake and I will have to get out of this bed and make breakfast." Aang smiled mischievously.
"Two hours huh," Aang smirked, "well that's plenty of time." He quickly rolled over to Katara and began to kiss her neck.
"Aang," she giggled, "what are you up to?" Aang smiled warmly at her as he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist.
"Making the most of our last two hours," he replied with a wide grin.
She smiled back at him and then wrapped her arms around his neck. He just gazed lovingly back at her.
"I love you so much," Aang whispered.
"I love you too Aang," she smiled. Her eyes welled up with tears as she spoke. She quickly tried to dry them before her tears could fall.
"Hey," Aang whispered as he ran his fingers through her soft auburn hair, "what's wrong?" Katara shook her head.
"Nothing," she whimpered, "it's nothing." Aang frowned slightly.
"I just," Katara sighed heavily, "I just don't want you to go."
"I know Katara," Aang replied, "but I have to…you know I have to."
"I know," Katara sighed in frustration, "I know."
"I promise I'll be back before you even have time to miss me," Aang replied, " I mean it…I'm talking the second the last signature is on the scroll…I am on Appa and right back home." Katara chuckled as she wiped the remainder of her tears away.
"You better," she replied with a slight smile. Aang chuckled lightly at her response.
"You have my word," he replied with a smile.
…
Thinking back on those last moments Aang wished so badly that he had changed his mind…he wished he had just put her and Tenzin before his duties just once. If he had known then that those precious moments were among their last he would have stayed in a heartbeat. If only he had known.
