"Finally O'Hara." she smiled as she walked towards her desk and flung her purse into the bottom draw and smiled. She felt for the first time in a year that there was a glimmer of light at the very dark tunnel she had been in since Shawn had been taken. In a week it would be the one year anniversary since they found Shawn half dead and she was more determined then ever to be there for him when the day came. Shawn had fallen into a deep depression a month and half ago when it was the anniversary of when he had been taken, and they had gotten into a huge fight. It had been the night he told her he was moving out. But finally Shawn had taken a couple of positive steps in the right direction last night and today and she wasn't about to let him go through this next anniversary alone.

"Carlton I think Shawn had a breakthrough. It was small but he allowed me in last night."

"Really?"

"Yes although I think it was pain from the beating he took that made him let his guard go down but I won't kick a gift horse in the mouth."

"Beating? He got into another fight."

"More like he was on the receiving end of it once again. He had three against one."

"Juliet didn't you get my message?"

"Yeah I just figured I'd talk to you here. What's up?"

"You are going to be subpoenaed sometime today."

"What, what for?"

"To testify as a character witness for Violet Robmonson."

"Who?"

"Yang."

"What why?"

"They claim she is rehabilitated and that her saving Spencer, and Guster years ago from her father was the first steps in recovery. Her doctors claim she is fit for the outside world again."

"But, she knew of the murders! I know she didn't commit any and I know she must of went through hell living with a serial killer but she still knew."

"I know but O'Hara I think they might release her even if you try to stop it."

"Oh god Shawn."

"I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Thanks. Its just not what I needed to hear. I don't need her stalking Shawn, he's got enough to deal with."

"Do you really think she'd immediately go for Shawn?"

"I don't know. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this."

"I'm sorry O'Hara."

"Its not your fault if she gets released." she eyed her partner and she noticed the look in his eyes and she wished it would just go away. Anyone with eyes could see that the head detective held himself responsible for what happened to Shawn even if no one else did. He turned away from her and walked back to his desk and she decided it was high time to talk about it. She walked directly over to him and watched as he purposely ignored her as he began typing on his computer. "None of it was ever your fault Carlton."

"What ever do you mean O'Hara?"

"You know what I mean. I told you then when we learned Shawn had been taken by the two supposedly released mental patients and came to find out that they had escaped that it wasn't your fault." Juliet didn't blink when he banged his hand against his desk angrily and glared up at her.

"Oh yeah and how the hell do you figure that O'Hara. Had I done my job and checked out those two mental patients that had a screw loose they wouldn't have ever known about your husband and he would never have been taken!"

"Carlton please just stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over. If it wasn't Shawn it would've been someone else." Juliet sighed when he turned to look away from her and back to his computer.

"O'Hara I'm busy doing my paperwork for once so could you please just go do your work." she sighed their partnership had hit a roadblock since Shawn had been taken. Carlton had even requested a temporary new partner and the chief had granted him it, leaving her doing a lot of paperwork in the station. At first she didn't mind because she was desperately trying to help her husband, but now she was growing irritated because Carlton was avoiding her for something he had no control over. Juliet turned and stomped towards the chief's door and entered without asking. The chief looked up and her mouth tightened into a grimace.

"Detective Spencer do not ever just enter my office without knocking first."

"Yeah whatever chief I want my old position back as Carlton's partner!"

"I thought you wanted out of the field so you could get out on time to be there for Shawn."

"I do and I want to still do that, but I have a sense that this new partner of Carlton's isn't for me, its because he blames himself."

"Juliet are you sure you want to get back out in the field?"

"I want my life back chief. I want my husband and I want to be the best police detective I can be. I miss working in the field and I miss my partner." she let her shoulders slump.

"Okay." she smiled. "So how is it going with Mr. Spencer?"

"Its well complicated but I think I was getting through to him chief."

"That's good."

"We shared a few kisses."

"Sounds like Shawn is weathering the storm."

"I'm not sure chief. I feel like he's only giving me half the picture of the hell he went through. I just know that something else is bothering him, and is the real reason he's pushing everyone he loves away. If it was just physical torture he wouldn't feel like he doesn't deserve my love."

"Judging from what we know of from the case without your husband speaking about it, its no doubt in my mind that he endured quite a bit of mental torture as well."

"Yeah and that's what wounds you the most I think. Physical torture is cruel and horrible, but emotional torture can rip your soul apart and that's what its doing to him. I just don't know how to stop it if I don't know what happened."

"Keep being there for him, its working so far." they both turned around when there was a hard rap on the glass door to her office. Juliet saw Buzz standing there he entered when the chief motioned for him to come in.

"McNab?"

"This came to the desk clerk, Detective Spencer has been subpoenaed." McNab sighed handing her the paperwork. Juliet frowned looking at the paper. Damn it she was hoping that Carlton had been wrong. Juliet looked at the chief who also had a very unhappy look on her face.

"Its gonna be alright chief I am just going to tell the truth."

"A friend of mine works in that mental institution and he told me that they are trying to release patients because its becoming overcrowded."

"So they are releasing her for their inability to know how many beds they have in their damn institution!"

"Juliet calm down!"

"No I will not calm down. They are releasing her not because she has been rehabilitated but because of their own stupidity!" Juliet snapped and stood up. "My husband doesn't NEED this right now."

"I'm sorry Juliet. If she even comes close to Shawn just once we will slap a restraining order on her so fast she wouldn't even have time to blink."

"That's not good enough chief. Its not right what these people are doing my husband went through hell with escaped mental patients, and now he's going to have a released one hot on his trail." she needed to speak to Shawn and tell him what was happening. She eyed the clock and sighed she had just got here. She turned to look back at the chief and hoped that she wouldn't mind. "Chief can I have an early lunch break?"

"Sure." she nodded. Juliet whirled around and made a mad dash to her desk and immediately threw the subpoena on it, and grabbed for her purse out of the desk. She eyed Carlton who was looking at her knowing that she received it, and then turned and ran towards the exit. She had to warn Shawn.


Vivian heard a hard rapping at her door. She smiled and looked up at her clock of course Gus was early he always was. She ran to the door and opened it, and her smile immediately vanished from her face and was replaced with shock.

"Shawn what are you doing here?" she asked quietly. Vivian hadn't seen Shawn since he came in at the hospital. She was an E.R. nurse there and had been the one that had taken care of him. She noticed with a critical eye that Shawn appeared to be exhausted both mentally and physically. She remembered seeing him when he came in his body had been a bloody mess not one inch of him wasn't battered in some form. What scared her the most when she seen him back then was he had appeared to have been operated on several times, and his utter lack of will to live. It was one of the worst cases of abuse she ever seen and even sometimes seeing him like that haunted her in her dreams.

"How's Gus?" he said instead of answering her question. She felt her lips tighten and her teeth clenched together. Gus told her all about his friendship with Shawn and how it was killing him that Shawn was pushing him away.

"I don't know why don't you ask Gus yourself?"

"I can't."

"Why not he's your best friend. He's like your brother you can speak to him he needs you." Vivian snapped trying her hardest to get through that thick skull of his. She moved aside to allow him in and he did so quietly. Vivian had to call Juliet immediately after he left because he never came by before, and she was worried as to why he was now.

"Gus will move on." Vivian snorted loudly.

"Gus is so worried about you its all he thinks about. He needs to know you are alright and we both know that you aren't. Why are you trying so hard to make them disappear from your life Shawn? I know you don't want to hear this but you need them as much as they need you."

"Don't you dare try to psychoanalyze me Vivian! I didn't let my mother do it to me, and I sure the hell aren't going to allow my best friend's girlfriend do it to me either."

"Why are you here Shawn? Why have you come by to tell me to get Gus to stay away?" He eyed her quietly and didn't answer her. Vivian let the nurse inside her do a quick once over of him. "You're hurt what happened?"

"Nothing that you need to worry yourself about."

"You're my boyfriend's best friend of course I worry Shawn."

"Look I just came by to tell you that I am leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Leaving Santa Barbara and I wanted you to tell Gus."

"That's low Shawn! That's actually quite cowardly and you don't strike me as a damn coward."

"Go to hell Viv I don't owe you explanation for anything."

"The hell you don't! You are the one that came to me to tell Gus that you are leaving without so much as a goodbye. Why the hell are you leaving?"

"Because it will be easier on everyone if I do."

"Easier on everyone else, HA more like easier on you. It will be so damn easy to not care and waste your fucking life away when you don't have anyone around that cares about you to give a damn!" she shook her head and refused to do it. "No I am not telling him that. I will not tell him that you are leaving you will have to do that on your own."

"Well then I guess Gus just won't know at all." he growled at her and turned around. She knew she should stop trying to push him but everyone else was treating him with kid gloves and she wasn't about too. Shawn needed to hear the tough answers and questions.

"What about your wife?" she demanded and he stopped in mid step and he whirled around and he glared down at her.

"What about Juliet?"

"Don't you think your wife deserves to know that you are leaving?"

"My wife and I are close to a divorce she has nothing to say about what I do with my life anymore."

"You really expect me to believe that Juliet signed those divorce papers." she laughed humorlessly.

"Shut up Vivian."

"Why I mean the warped idea of thinking that Juliet is just going to stop her pursuit of rebuilding her relationship with you, and trying to heal you is just the dumbest thing I have ever heard!" he didn't say anything back. He turned and she felt panic bubble up. He was just going to leave. "They won't let you just disappear from their life Shawn and I will do whatever it takes to help them get you back."

"Damn it Vivian just tell them to let me go!"

"My loyalty is to Gus and his happiness. And I know you don't want to hear this right now but you make him happy. He misses you so much. You two talked all the time he's miserable without you. And you know what I think?"

"Not really and I don't really care either."

"I think you are miserable without them. I think this is all an act Shawn. You need to let go of this issue of not deserving them or whatever the hell is making you try to walk away from your family because you are dying without them." she snapped.

"And that's the point! Why make Jules and Gus watch as I wither away. I don't want to be alive Vivian!" he shouted and Vivian sucked in a breath when he admitted to what she had figured out a long time ago but afraid to think it to be the truth.

"Why Shawn? Gus told me about the long search for you and that you were taken by unstable individuals. Its beyond horrible what they did to you Shawn truly disgusting I should know I saw you, and I took care of you in the emergency room. I remember how you looked the day that you were brought in I didn't even recognize that you were human." she stopped and blinked rapidly hating the fact that she was still emotional over it. Shawn didn't need tears he needed strength right now and he needed someone to butt heads with him to keep him from spiraling out of control. "But you overcame that, you survived Shawn not many other people get too. You have a second chance on living and you are throwing away your life and I won't stand for it."

"It is my hell Vivian it is my world and not you, my wife, my parents, or my best friend can save me not when I don't want it."

"I don't believe you because if you didn't want to be saved then you wouldn't be standing right here where you are today. You would have given up when the doctors gave you a twenty percent change at surviving Shawn. Your soul is broken but deep down inside there underneath that pain you carry around you do want to live, you do want to be with your wife and family, and Gus. And they know that." she watched him for a moment unable to do much of anything else then wish he would just listen to her, or to anyone for that matter.

"They don't know everything."

"You won't tell them."

"Its better that way."

"Better for who?" Vivian demanded and she heard a loud clearing of a throat and she turned and saw Gus. Shawn took a step back as Gus immediately entered her home and shut the door leaving the three of them enclosed in her home silently. Shawn was looking at Gus.

"SHAWN. I have missed you." he whispered and walked towards Shawn and Vivian watched as Shawn didn't move away as Gus advanced on him and she hoped that was a positive sign in the right direction. Shawn never went anywhere near Gus. Gus wrapped his arms around Shawn and she watched the two men. Gus held onto a very rigid Shawn who kept his arms at his sides, and was staring forward and blinking rapidly.

"I got to go Gus."

"No why are you here visiting Viv and you won't even call me back?"

"I got to go Gus." he repeated as Gus let him go and Vivian grimaced.

"He wanted me to get you to let him go."

"Never Shawn you are my best friend and I can see you are hurting."

"Gus he also wanted me to tell you he was leaving Santa Barbara for good because he's running away." Vivian spoke up and Shawn shot her a withering glare and she smiled. "You know what I am going to go out for a walk and let you two talk. I'll be back later Gus." she smiled and hurried to the door not wanting to disturb the two men that hadn't been face to face in over four months.


Gus stared at Shawn for a moment taking in the appearance of his best friend. His face was unshaven for about a few days, his hair was wild not at all like he usually kept meticulous care of. His shirt hung on him and his jeans looked too big on his now growing thin frame.

"You're not eating Shawn."

"Actually Juliet made me breakfast." he said so slowly as if he was functioning underwater. Gus nodded his head unsure of if that was progress. Juliet had texted him that Shawn had sent her divorce papers. He hoped like hell that Shawn had gone back to Juliet.

"So you and her are back together?"

"NO." the firm and gruff answer told him to back off. Gus always listened to Shawn he always went along with everything that Shawn wanted. But not this time Gus could clearly hear in Shawn's voice to stop but he couldn't not this time.

"Why are you leaving Shawn?"

"Because its for the best of everyone. Juliet needs to understand that our marriage is over and she doesn't seem to want to hear me."

"Did you really think she would? She knows the only reason you want a divorce is because of what happened to you. You can't freeze her out of your life forever Shawn or me for that matter."

"Gus." he whispered and his entire body shook as if he couldn't handle this conversation anymore. He went to walk by him as if it was already decided that he was done and leaving. Gus grabbed his arm and Shawn stopped and glared at him.

"Talk to me Shawn. Do you know how much guilt I have been living with since you went missing?"

"What, why would you ever feel guilty Gus?"

"I wasn't there for you when they came and grabbed you Shawn."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Oh yeah well how about when we couldn't find you huh? I couldn't find you before they tortured the hell out of you and made you want to give up on life. I thought I lost you once Shawn, and I now I might be losing you all over again because of your demons."

"Gus listen to me. I never blamed you or anyone for what happened to me understood. Never have and I will never ever blame you for what happened. They were unstable psychos that came after me because I was a 'psychic' and they wanted to experiment on me to see if I was like everyone else." Gus breathed in roughly this was the first time Shawn had told him anything about why he had been taken or what they did to him. "Goodbye Gus." Shawn whispered as he shrugged his hand off of him and walked past him towards the door.

"Don't Shawn please." Gus begged as unwanted tears brimmed in his eyes and his voice became uneven as Shawn continued to walk towards the door. Gus knew that if he didn't say something that Shawn was just going to disappear from his life and he couldn't let that happen. "TRUST IN ME SHAWN LIKE I TRUST YOU!" he shouted angry at his best friend for not respecting him enough to know that he would never judge Shawn for whatever happened. Shawn froze, and Gus watched as he turned around.

"I trust you!" Shawn snapped and Gus was unfazed by the show of anger erupting out of Shawn. It didn't do anything to stop his own anger at the situation from bubbling up. Shawn wanted to walk out of his life to just walk out of over twenty five years of being best friends then he was going to have his say first. Shawn was like his brother and one that was in much need of help.

"No you don't Shawn. You don't trust me do you?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you won't tell me what happened. Tell me, show me that you trust me Shawn. Trust in the fact that I will never ever judge you for what happened during the worst moments in your life."

"I can't talk about it."

"Yes you can you used to be able to tell me anything. Take all the time you need Shawn. Please just tell me whatever it is its eating you up inside I can see it every time I look into your eyes."

"I-I- just can't." Gus let go of the breath he had been holding Shawn appeared to have wanted to tell him what happened. "It has nothing to do with our friendship or trusting in you or in Juliet. I just can't talk about it. But if you really want to know go ask Lassie." Gus stared at Shawn perplexed. Why would he need to go talk to Lassie about whatever it was that was clearly destroying Shawn? Gus didn't stop Shawn as he turned and walked out of Vivian's home, as she returned from the walk she took to give them some privacy. She looked on as Shawn brushed past her and Gus immediately wiped away the wetness on his cheeks not realizing he had been crying till right this moment. She slowly shut the door when they both heard the distinct sound of a motorcycle engine revving up. She walked over to him and pulled him into her arms.

"Shawn's not good Viv." Gus whispered as he buried his head into her shoulder and cried softly into her soft body. He pushed back a little and she wiped away the tears.

"Just keep being there for him."

"I thought by talking to him he would listen to me but he doesn't want to listen right now. He doesn't want anyone to try to help him or to try to save him. Its like he thinks he doesn't deserve it or something."

"I know I got the same feeling."

"I thought that if I talked to him I would understand more of what happened to him. And I do somewhat but even after talking to him I have more questions then answers then ever before."

"I'm sorry."

"But I think I might know who to go to so I can find out a couple of the answers to a few of those questions."

"Who?"

"The head detective Carlton Lassiter."

"Juliet's friend and partner?"

"Shawn made an odd comment about him."

"Okay what exactly did Shawn say?"

"I was trying to get Shawn to open up to me about what happened and I asked him to prove to me that he trusted in me, and forgave me."

"Forgive you for what Gus?"

"For not being there when he was taken and not getting to him in time."

"If I know Shawn which I think I do he never blamed you or anyone else for that."

"Yeah well, I asked him to just tell me everything, and then he said to talk to Lassie."

"What like suggesting that Lassiter knows why Shawn is the way he is, and just hasn't said anything?"

"Exactly and I am going to find out. I have to call Juliet."

"I think you should." Gus nodded his head and wondered if it was really true that Lassiter knew more then he was letting on about what happened to Shawn.


author's note: Okay so I know I haven't posted anything in a while...but I am trying really hard to get back into the swing of things at work after having almost three months off for a temporary vacation while my store was rebuilt lol. So I have been working 40+ hours and I have been BEAT and then my half of my chapter for chapter 4 of this story was missing because of my computer. But I recreated it and its better then before in my opinion, though I may have skimped on the proofreading to hurry up and post anything for you guys so I hugely apologize for any jarring or terrible grammatical errors they were overlooked in my haste to post something and I tried to make sure I fixed everything that jumped out at me lol. But I have to say thank you to Fear-The-Spork for the gentle nudging its much appreciated :) ;)

Oh and for being such patient and loyal readers for taking the drought in stride thanks to my job I have a bit of a spoiler alert for you (I love spoilers for Psych so I just can't resist giving one for my story) so here is the small bit from chapter 5 I can spoil you with...

"I'm sorry O'Hara he was dying when I made that promise and I will not break it no matter what." Carlton felt the harsh sting of her slap and he watched the tears fall down her face as he rubbed his face trying to rub away the sting. "I'm sorry."

"That's not good enough Carlton. Please help me save my husband." she sobbed and he looked down.

So that's what's in store for you :) Shawn has a complete and utter meltdown in the next chapter as well and a hint of something else *runs away to hide* I shouldn't tease this but I have to and maybe even I will post chapter 5 tomorrow being this is my weekend off so I can try to make up for my lack of posting in a while with a back to back post. Sounds like a plan to me. Thanks for reading and reviewing its greatly appreciated, as lame as it sounds it does help keep you motivated to keep going! Thanks!

~Stacey