~ Chapter 4 ~
The next time he came home he was so drunk that he couldn't even walk. He crashed through the front door and he laughed like a lunatic. No one came so he guessed somewhere in his mind that he wouldn't need to explain this tomorrow.
He knocked over a vase as he tried to stand up and staggered toward the stair and walked up, swaying on his feet and almost falling down several times. It only made him giggle.
Crashing onto his bed he laughed so loud that he didn't care if anyone heard him.
Rolling over he closed his eyes and tried to relax, forget everything.
But when he felt a hand on his upper arm he turned his head to see Loki standing over him.
A chuckle rumbled through him. "Come to torture me again?" he asked without really thinking or caring what he said. He were too far gone in his drunken state to care anymore what he did or said.
"I love you, you know." he continued without fail. "I love you so much it hurts." he reached up and caressed the face in his eyes. "I know I have to give up AND I've tried. But every time I look at you I fall in love with you again." Thor let his hand fall to the bed next to him. "I don't know what to do anymore."
Loki stared down at him without saying anything.
Thor watched the figure in front of him, knowing that this was a dream from his drunken mind. There were no way Loki would come into his room after the way he treated him. He were really a scum and the knowledge only fit into the rest of his miserable life.
He simply gave up on everything in that moment. He would never be able to escape this nightmare.
He sat up and focused on the one who haunted his life and heart.
"Do you still love me?" he asked in a fragile voice.
Loki looked taken back just like he didn't know what to say.
"I don't care if you don't love me anymore, just don't leave me." Thor sobbed. "Please don't leave me."
Strong arms wrapped around him and it surprised him.
"I'm here." Loki's soft voice whispered into his ear and it brought tears to Thor's eyes. His sobs grew in strength as he tenderly and carefully placed his arms around his brother. Afraid that this dream would disappear and he would wake up to a reality he no longer wanted.
Even if it were a dream, it was far better than anything he could have hoped for. He didn't need anything else.
Loki didn't know what he woke up to first, but when he opened his eyes he saw his brother sitting by the headboard with his head in his folded arms, crying. It was not soft crying but the heart wrenching kind that made the bigger male tremble.
He pushed himself up and didn't stop the cover from falling down to his waist, exposing his pale skin and the blushing marks over it.
"Thor?" he asked softly, making the other flinch.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Thor." he reached for Thor but the blond man pulled away like he were afraid of his touch.
"I'm a monster. Oh, God what have I done. I'm so sorry."
"Please Thor." Loki grew worried because he couldn't reach his brother. "Listen to me."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-"
"THOR!"
He flinched and became quiet.
"Thor, please, look at me."
It took minutes before Thor could even raise his head and look at the other, and when he did his eyes was red and puffy from his crying. His lower lip trembled and he felt so worthless and disgusting with himself that he just wanted to disappear.
Last night had been everything he needed, but he had thought it to be a dream. When he woke up and saw Loki next to him, with the evidence on his skin, it was like the world opened up under him. He didn't need to remember everything to know what he had done. It was all there right in front of him.
"Thor," a hand were placed on his elbow. "don't blame yourself for what happened between us. It-"
"Why not?" his voice shook. "I took advantage of you in my drunken stupidity. There's no-"
"Thor." he took the others face in his hands. "I've struggled to understand things. Why I never thought of you as a brother. Why I must be adopted in the public eyes. Why I felt so out of place here. Why do I not feel any connection to this house? And most importantly, why I feel such unrest around you. I didn't understand your behavior toward me. Sometimes you were so kind and caring, other times you were so distant that I didn't know you. Some of the things you said last night convinced me that there is more to us than I've been told. So much more. Listen Thor," he shifted to sit next to Thor and still held onto him. "What happened last night, between us, it might not have been what either of us planned but after your first kiss I didn't want to run away. I felt at peace for the first time since I woke up in the hospital. Will you tel me what it is I am missing? It clearly is hurting you and I don't think it's fair that you are the only one who has to carry whatever burden you carry."
However much Loki meant his words, he had to convince Thor for a few more minutes before the other started to talk.
It took one hour. One hour for Thor to tell Loki everything about their past. Their meeting, their first kiss, their love. As well as Loki's true heritage and the attack by Laufey to him waking up with no memories.
To Thor it felt all like a life time of events but in the end it only took an hour to tell it all.
Much to his relief Loki sat quietly with only a few questions through the whole thing. He could see that the truth shook Loki as much as it had him knowing it all right from the start, and he wanted to comfort his lover, but he wouldn't allow himself that.
He had destroyed everything and had no right anymore.
"So we were in love?"
"Very much."
"And we are real half-brothers?"
"Yes."
Loki tried to sort through all his questions because to be honest. He had more than he could count.
His mouth opened and closed slightly before the question came out, "What about Sara?"
"What about her?"
"Do you... love her?"
"No." it was said with dead finality. "She's just a substitute."
"So... the only reason you're with her was because-"
"Yes. All right." Thor lowered his head in shame. "I was going crazy because you were so close and I couldn't touch you so I found someone to take my feelings out on. I'm a real lowlife." he confessed with disgust for himself dripping from every words.
Silence followed his words and Thor were sure that Loki would walk out on him. Who in their right mind would ever want to be with him. Everything he did got screwed.
He truly were his father's child.
"I think I might love you too."
"What?" he whispered looking at Loki, but the other weren't looking at him.
"I'm saying..." Loki looked up and met his eyes. "that my feelings for you are just as complicated as yours. I can't begin to imagine how it was for you but I can't think of you as a brother. My heart aches for so much more. I love you."
TBC
