Author's Notes: I'm not sure if you noticed this but it is April Fool's Day, so I'd thought I'd put up the fourth chapter of my story, which is about the fourth book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, with four reviews on the first day of the fourth month of the year. (Sort of creepy… I never meant for it to be like this.) And, even creepier, the only book of the series I read in the location I am in now is The Miserable Mill. And this is the only chapter of this book that I am writing from this location. (Seriously, I didn't plan it like that.) And creepier yet, it's raining really hard. (Gasp) Seriously, really hard.
(Scene: The Choo-Choo train. Violet is bouncing on the seat, Klaus is reading The Other Other Boleyn Girl (A/N: There are supposed to be two 'other's. I didn't make a mistake.) and Sunny is watching Spaceballs on her iPod. Mr. Poe is picking his nose hairs out.)
Poe: Hmm, my nose is quite hairy.
Train: WE'RE HERE!
Klaus: It's about time! We've been riding for sixty-seven hours!
Violet: Bouncy, bouncy!
Sunny: What's the matter Colonel Sanders, chicken?
(Scene: Outside the Chocolate Factory. There is a random note sitting on the ground.)
Violet: Hmm, I wonder what this says.
Klaus: It says:
Dear Muffins,
I congratulate you on finding a golden ticket and hope you can make it to the tour of my chocolate factory. If your character is called Charlie, press 1, if you are called Augustus, press 2…
This seriously has nothing to do with us. Let's go on in.
(Scene: The Chocolate Room. There are a bunch of Oompah-Loompahs running around, being lazily controlled by an evil foreman, Foreman Frappicino.)
Frappicino: I want this floor to shine like the top of the Chrysler Building.
Oompah-Loompahs: It's the hard knock life for us, it's the hard knock life for us,
'stead of treated, we get tricked
'stead of kisses, we get kicked,
It's the hard knock life
Klaus: Ok, let's just go see the boss.
(Scene: Sir's Office. Sir and Charles' are sitting at a desk. The Baudelaires enter.)
Klaus: What the (BLEEP) is going on here?
Sir: Normal circumstances are occurring.
Violet: Sir, what is your name?
(We hear a woman say "Bill Sikes" just before she is shot by a gun. Sir gets up.)
Sir: Strong men tremble when they here it, they've got cause enough to fear it, It's much blacker then they steer it,
Nobody mentions my name,
Once bad, what's the good of changing?
Violet: Is this supposed to be a musical or something? Because I still have that Broadway chorus from chapter two.
Klaus: Come on, I'd rather hear the Oompah-Loompahs.
(Scene: The Chocolate Room. The Baudelaires enter. The room is the same as before.)
Frappicino: You got to go dig those holes with broken hands and a wicked soul
Oompah-Loompahs: Quick before the hyena comes! Dig a tunnel, dig, dig a tunnel, we can dig and never get dunnah, dig a tunnel, dig, dig a tunnel, quick before the hyena comes!
(Foreman Frappicino trips Klaus. Klaus breaks his glasses.)
Frappicino: Grovel, Grovel, bend, stoop, crouch, fall
Violet: Seriously, stop it with the singing. It's getting weird. Klaus, let's go to that Optometrist woman person. She might know how to fix your glasses. And besides, I want to end this chapter as soon as possible.
(Scene: The Optometrist Office. There is a desk with Shirley sitting at it.)
Shirley: Surely you know the way in.
Violet: Surely you thought we could see through your disguise, Olaf.
Shirley: Surely you must be thinking of someone else.
Sunny: Surely there's a reason we are repeatedly saying surely.
Klaus: Surely Sunny is right.
Violet: Surely.
Shirley: Surely.
(The Optometrist Woman Person walks in.)
Optometrist Woman Person: Hello, I am the Optometrist Woman Person and I will go hypnotize your brother now.
(The Optometrist Woman Person hypnotizes Klaus and gives him new glasses.)
Optometrist Woman Person: Now, have a nice day. And take a cookie too. It's your favorite kind of cookie, Banana Strawberry Chocolate Cheesecake.
(Violet takes a cookie.)
Violet: Yum, tastes like crap.
Shirley: Just the way you like them!
Optometrist Woman Person: NOW GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF MY OFFICE!
(The Baudelaires run away.)
Klaus: She seems like a nice lady.
(Scene: The Dormitory. Phil is eating some strawberries as the Baudelaires walk in.)
Violet: Would you take care of our hypnotized brother for us?
Phil: Sure. I'll sing a song for him too. Always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the bright side of life! When life seems jolly rot…
Violet: Yeah, you do that.
(Scene: The Library. Violet and Sunny read a book.)
Violet : This book is too hard! It's extremely boring too. Here I'll some of it:
The distressed bovines chewed and digested the green cud from the poorly farmed arena, which was placed by a dilapidated elderly shack.
(We hear the chocolate river flow.)
Violet: Uh-oh!
(Scene: The Chocolate Room. The Optometrist Woman Person, Shirley, Klaus, and Foreman Frappicino are all drowning Charles.)
Charles: MMM! I love chocolate!
(Violet enters with Sunny.)
Violet: NO!
(Klaus stops drowning Charles. They all look at him. Foreman Frappicino looks at the Optometrist Woman Person.)
Frappicino: You made the hypnosis relief word 'no'? You're even stupider then I assumed.
(The TV Repair Man enters with a sword.)
TV Repair Man: En garde!
(The TV Repair Man kills the Optometrist Woman Person.)
All: Ding-dong the (BLEEP) is dead! Dab your eyes! Get out of bed! Ding-dong the wicked (BLEEP) is dead!
(Olaf and Frappicino run away. Olaf smacks his butt and humps Mr. Poe, who has just arrived.)
Mr. Poe: AGAIN WITH THE GAY THING! I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY, OLAF!
(The Baudelaires jump in Poe's car with Poe and ride away to where they came from. Surprisingly, in a car it only took fifteen minutes.)
Author's Notes: I don't own Spaceballs or ipods or The Other Boleyn Girl book.
Songs
It's the Hard Knock Life from the musical Annie
My Name from the musical Oliver!
Dig It from the movie Holes
Dig A Tunnah Dance from the movie The Lion King One and a Half
Grovel, Grovel from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life from the musical Spamalot
A Revision of Ding-Dong the Witch Is Dead from the musical The Wizard of Oz.
