Chapter 4: Sammy's Secret
"Dean, it is not as simple as you think"
"Yes Sammy, it is. Someone hurt you, and you didn't trust me enough to tell me." Dean said struggling to keep his anger under control
"Do you really think that I don't trust you, after everything that I told you."
"Sometimes I really do wonder."
"If that is how you feel" Sam said and started crying
"Sammy, I am so sorry, I don't know what come over me" Dean said when he noticed Sammy's tears
"Dean just leave, I need some time to think."
"Sam, don't do this"
"Dean, I need a couple of hours to think, how about you rent out another room for the night"
"If you think that is what you need I will do it for you"
"Thanks Dean, I love you"
"Yeah Sammy, I love you too"
The Next Morning
Sam woke up bright and early
'Dean really needs an explanation for what happened all those years ago'
Sam started crying when he remembered all of the abuse that was dished out by 'him'.
Dean burst through the door when he heard Sammy crying
"Ssh Sammy, everything is going to be okay" Dean kept whispering calming words into Sammy's ear, and eventually Sam stopped crying
"Sam do you want to talk about what happened?"
"I relived the torment that I was put through by 'him'"
"When did it start Sammy?"
"It started back when I was sixteen and went on until I was eighteen."
"What? It went on for two years? And I didn't notice anything?"
"No Dean, I made sure that none of the beatings and other things never happened in front of you, and that you never saw even one of the injuries that was caused by him, sorry Dean"
"Hey Sammy, you have nothing to be sorry for."
"Why wouldn't I be, I am a sick twisted fuck, you would just be better off without me, I will just leave now."
"Sammy, you need to stay with me, I want to make sure that you are safe."
"Thanks Dean, I really needed that."
"Now Sam you need to tell me what happened back when you were sixteen."
"Okay I suppose that I will start with how he found out."
Flashback
Dear Diary, I don't know how I am going to go on if anything ever happens to Dean, he is my life and my reason that I get up every morning. But I don't know what this is that I am feeling I cannot place it. I don't even know if he knows that I am gay, but if he ever found that out then he would absolutely hate me, despise me and disown me. I don't think that I could live with that, if he left me I would just die on the inside, he is the one who was always there for me when I was growing up, but this is one thing that he can never find out, I cannot risk the chance that he could leave me. I can only imagine what dad would think if he ever found out, he would just find that as another reason to be disappointed in me, he would probably kill me, not that either him or Dean would even care of they found out my secret, it would be a burden off of their shoulders. Well I had better finish my entry now someone is coming.
End Flashback
"Oh my god, Sammy, did you really think that we would never even care if you left me, god I really wish that you could have come to me for help Sammy god I love you."
"How was I supposed to come to you Dean? You always acted so macho, and I didn't think that you would really be able having a queer freak for a brother."
"I know that was how I acted but I didn't want you to be ashamed having a gay brother either, god we were both such idiots."
"Dean, believe it or not this is not even close to the underlying factors that have caused me to break down and cry, do you feel ready for this knowledge."
"As ready as I am ever going to be Sammy."
"Okay let's continue."
Flashback
Dear Diary, I finally worked out what the thing that I feel for Dean, it is love, but not the love that you are supposed to feel for your brother, this is wrong on so many levels, if he or dad for that matter ever find out about this I will be as good as dead, but I would deserve any punishment that they could dish out, for feeling this way towards Dean, but I just cannot help this anymore, I can't even be in the same room as him without having all of these dirty fantasies of him on top of me doing all types of things to me, but I know that that would never happen, the only way that this could get any worse would be if someone read my diary and read all of my personal thoughts, especially about Dean, the one person that I can never have. I am a fucking sick and twisted freak and I deserve to die, maybe I should just kill myself and save Dean and dad the trouble of having to look after me or having to kill me myself. But I can't take the chance that either he would feel guilty because of the choices that I have made, I just really hope that he hasn't noticed that I have started to become reclusive I really don't know how long I can keep it a secret if he asks me about it. My life really sucks.
End Flashback
"Sam how could you feel that way, and I did notice that you started to avoid me, but I thought that if you really wanted me to know that you would tell me."
"Dean, I was just about to tell you, that night before I went to Stanford, but after I told you that I was leaving, you looked really betrayed and I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I'm sorry"
"It doesn't matter now anyway, just make sure that if you have a problem in the future that you come to me for help."
"Okay, thanks Dean."
"Sam that still doesn't answer the question of who hurt you?"
"Okay, Dean if you think that you are ready then I will continue. But I must warn you that it gets really graphic now."
"Yes Sammy, I am sure."
Flashback
It was just a normal day for Sam, he was just on his way home from school, but little did he know that the events that would transpire today would change his life forever.
Once Sam walked in through the door to the motel room, he found that his diary was on the table and was open.
His first thoughts were 'Oh Shit, Dean has found my diary and has found out about my dirty little secret.' But he found that there was nobody home.
Later that night his father came through the door and just started yelling abuse at Sam.
"Do you know what you are, you filthy little faggot" John said
'Fuck' Sam thought
"Answer me you little fairy"
"What do you want to hear"
"That this is not true, how can I be a father to a fucking poofter."
"How can I say something that is not the truth, do you really hate me this much, you don't deserve to be a father."
"Me not deserving to be a father, it is better than how you have turned out, god Sam how did you expect me to react to this."
"This is actually better than what I was expecting"
"I don't wanna know what is going on in that sick and twisted mind of yours, just stay the hell away from Dean."
"What do you mean?" Asked Sam, scared that his dad knew about his attraction to his brother
"I mean that I don't want two fucking gay sons, 1 is bad enough."
"You are a selfish fucking pig, would you really care that much if both of us were g.."
But Sam was silenced when John just started attacking him, his beatings were relentless
"I swear if you ever tell anyone about this I will make you wish that you were never born, you are not my son anymore Sam."
End Flashback
"When did all of this start to happen Sammy?" Asked Dean, on the verge of tears wondering how he could not have noticed
"Dean as I said it started just after I turned sixteen, but I was just so lucky that he never finished reading through my diary that day anyway." Sam said nearly crying himself
"Why? Sammy, what happened when he read about what you felt for me?"
"Dean, you really don't want to know."
"Yes, Sam I think that you need to tell me so that you can really start to get passed this and really move on with your life."
"Are you ready to share this Sam?" Dean asked concerned
"No not really, but you're right I need to get this out. Okay here goes."
Flashback
One week later after John found out that Sam was gay, Sam was spending as much time with Dean as humanly possible, whenever he was left on his own with his father he got beaten up pretty badly but nothing as bad as what was about to happen later that night
"Dean, please don't go, I really need you"
"Sam, I am only going out on the hunt overnight, what's the worst that could happen to you?"
"Dean, I really am sorry, but I can't tell you anything, but I just really need you, please." Sam pleaded with Dean, but he would not give in to his little brother
"Sam, would you stop being so clingy, god damn you are really annoying sometimes." Dean said angrily
Sam who took this as rejection just left Dean alone and went into the toilet and refused to come out
"Hey, Sam come on out man." Dean pleaded
"Why would you care anyway Dean"
"Come on Sam, you are acting really childish"
"Well now I am sorry, just go on your hunt and leave me alone."
"Okay Sam if it is what you really want."
"It is, so just go" Please stay Sam pleaded in his mind, I need you
He heard the door slam shut and the car start up, which meant that he was all alone when his father come home, he really didn't know how much longer he could do this
Sam came out of the bathroom and came face to face with his father
"Sam, what was all of this yelling about?"
"Nothing sir"
"I sure hope not, and I finally read the rest of your diary, and I found out another one of your secrets"
'Oh god, now I am dead' Sam thought
"I have a different punishment for you tonight Sam, I think that you will really enjoy it."
"What have you got planned sir?" Sam asked hoping to god that his father would not take what little innocence that he had left
"All will be revealed in due time Sam, but for the moment I think that it is time that you went to bed"
'This is really weird, not that I am complaining but I am really scared' thought Sam
Later that night
Sam woke up and found that all of him limbs were tied to the frame of the bed and that he had a gag in his mouth and a blindfold on
'Oh no' Sam thought
"Aha, so you finally decided to wake up did you Sam?"
"Oh wait you can't talk can you" John said and it sounded like he was smirking
"I suppose that it is time for your surprise then isn't it."
Once John said that Sam felt something poke at the entrance to his behind
'FUCK, he is going to rape me.' thought Sam
Flashback End
"Dean, please don't make me finish that, please if you love me." Sam said crying
"Ssh Sammy, everything is okay now."
"No it's not, now you think that I am dirty damaged goods, and you will never want to see me again." Sam said and his crying intensified
"Sam, that is not true, you could not help what John did to you, if only I had listened this may have been avoided."
"No Dean, it would have happened eventually anyway."
"I am so sorry Sam for not believing you that day, and I still do love you."
"Really?" Sam said surprised
But before he had a chance to respond there was a someone knocking at the door and Dean went to answer the door.
"Dean, don't please can't we just ignore them?"
"No Sam."
Dean opened the door and he saw.
