It doesn't even fucking make sense anymore, how he dreads yet covets Jin's touch-- he doesn't dare moan, only breathes and wants, before he can't hold back and completely explodes into Jin's fist. And Jin smiles at him, eyes half-lidded and lusty as he presses their mouths and murmurs, "I never thought I'd see you look so cute, Nii-san."

The handcuffs are always too tight and Jin always bites too hard, and thrusts too fast, just to make Ragna's eyes tear up and him gasp in pain, "but it's not just pain, is it?" Jin says one day after so long that he doesn't have the energy to spit on his face like he did the first week-- all he can do is hang limply and heave in dirty, gritty breaths that never seem to give him air. Jin rubs him down lovingly with a washcloth everyday, makes him come and leaves marks from lips and teeth on his thighs as if they were his property.

"You're awake," Jin had said the first day, utter glee on his face, Ragna knows without knowing exactly who he is at once. "Jin?" he breathes out, but the moment the word leaves his mouth he thinks himself wrong; while he's every bit as beautiful physically, his expression is twisted with madness and other things Ragna can't name immediately, but then he says, "Nii-san," with something that is definitely more than brotherly affection and Ragna is forced to recognize all of them at once.

Jin describes how he had found Ragna in detail, that the moment Jin had heard his name again, he had started looking for any information about him, "And it finally paid off," because here he was. Jin grabs him by his chains and presses the chastest kiss they'll ever share to his fingers and says, "Nii-san, you're mine, okay?"-- says it every single day until Ragna stops saying "No," until he stops shaking his head and only closes his eyes and thinks, I am so fucking pathetic.

By the fifth week, Ragna is certain that he has Stockholm syndrome because how else could he feel anything other than disgust towards Jin for lusting after his older brother since forever or towards his own body, trembling and shuddering with delight at this punishment-- it's like Jin says in week two (he knows because Jin announced the days to him back then), "All you have to do is accept me," and it will start to feel much, much better, and it does, and he can give in silently. Jin doesn't taunt him about him, only smiles knowingly, with approval, when Ragna's sharp grunts turn into shuddering gasps because he has finally come to terms with it and has thrown in the towel.

He's lost track of time by now-- honestly surprised that Jin hasn't gotten bored of him yet, and how they're both still alive and unfound in the middle of nowhere as Jin puts ceramic mugs full of cider and whiskey-- and sometimes poison-- against his lips and tells Ragna to drink and he does so everytime. He doesn't refuse the food or liquids anymore, because Jin's anger is so unpredictable and Ragna may even be starting to like the way things are right now, with Jin's tongue curling around his own. It makes no sense that Jin has taken everything he's every wanted again and again, yet can be so pleased with it, like he's found something new and wonderful every time.

As if he can sense those thoughts, Jin says, "Don't worry, I'll never get tired of you," and Ragna thinks it's funny, because he was sure just recently he would have been terrified to hear those words. But now--it instills something completely different than fear and revulsion: something so close to contentment that if he wasn't already certain of it, he would think himself insane.

But he is, he must be-- after all, he loves it when Jin smiles and laughs, and he finds it sweet how Jin whispers, "I love you, Nii-san," every morning in greeting and every night in farewell, and he needs to feel Jin close. He remembers wondering why Jin even bothers to dress him in the mornings because by the end of the day old scars are busted red and he's stripped completely naked. He asks so once, and when Jin answers with, "It would be bad if you caught a cold," Ragna laughs so hard that even Jin's eyes widen with surprise.

It feels like so long ago and yet just yesterday; he remembers the feel of Jin's backhands against his face, and holding back his pained voice, but today he screams in pleasure, opens his mouth, begs for everything he's never wanted. He tells Jin he loves him for the first time since they were children and Jin clings to him, says, "Me, too, Nii-san, I love you so much," until its all he can think about.

He waits.

Ten days pass and it feels like heaven, no pain or poison, and Jin even lets him sit down and feed himself, kisses him sweetly and it's like their honeymoon. The smile hardly ever fades from Jin's face now-- only when he looks at the chains on Ragna's wrists. He even says, "I'm sorry," and means it, so Ragna manages a smile and forgives him each time, although he knows that Jin never wants him to fly away again, wants to become his wings or tear them off entirely.

"It's been so long since I've seen the sky," Ragna says with a pitiful little chuckle, when Jin comes in on the eleventh day. "Is it still blue?"

Jin looks genuinely surprised to hear him talk without prompting and, after a moment, tells him, "Maybe if you're good, I'll take you to see it soon."

Ragna clutches onto that memory of the first few days, when he was himself and nothing like he was now, struggles to remember that anguish and wrath and rage and how he would never, ever for forgive Jin for what he had done. He forgets everything else, all of Jin's smiles and dreams and especially the touch of his fingers. He's no longer a child of the God he once knew-- he would rather deny His existence than to be damned by Him-- because he knows it for sure, even an endless life would not be able to atone for this period of sin. Instead, he recalls other theologies to comfort him, where there is no such thing as heaven or hell. He thinks of how souls are recycled and reincarnated, that they become cleansed, and are able, are allowed to forget their past lives.

"You have to promise," Jin says solemnly, two days later, suddenly not reaching for the chains that bind Ragna nightly,"that you won't leave me."

Ragna breathes his name, and finally leans forward of his own volition, finally kisses Jin, and somehow it's the most perfect moment in both their lives. Ragna pushes his hips against him and even though he said the words weeks ago, it only now feels like they're making love. Jin kisses the marks hidden by the handcuffs and Ragna enjoys the freedom of movement, rubs his hands over Jin's back and chest to trace the scars he has never been able to feel. "I won't," Ragna says, and he wraps his fingers around Jin's throat.

"This was just a dream," he says, many times, and he's not sure who he says it for, because it doesn't take very long for Jin to stop flailing. He peels his hands away once Jin is out cold and wishes just once he could be as unrelenting as his little brother and not let go.

"Where are we?" he had asked, one day (the fifth? the fiftieth?), and all Jin says is, "Home." As he climbs up the stairs he's heard Jin come down everyday for so long and Ragna thinks he's leaving a part of himself behind. He hopes it's the part of him that Jin has claimed, that has been been stained black with love, and all that is left is pure and that the past is gonegone--

But he gets to the ground floor and he knows this room, six short pews and one stained glass window-- swallowing all feelings of deja vu, he swings the door open to that same rugged scenery of his youth.

Home.

Ragna isn't anything like Jin; his conscience even quiets the voice in his head that begs for him to burn it all down again.

The sun is so bright that it takes him half an hour before his sight is back to normal, and he never forgets those minutes, walking with his eyes closed astounded, overwhelmed that the landscape had not changed one bit-- but he has, they both have.

"Do you remember, Nii-san?" Jin says, far from now, bleeding out and making Ragna panic with terror because Jin was his brother beyond and through everything. "You said you loved me."

Somehow it's an accusation, and Ragna knows he should lie, should lie and make Jin feel loved and perfect because he's dying in his arms and it's all his fault, all Jin's own fault, and--

"I did," Ragna says and it's the truth.

It's his funeral, but Jin laughs until his breath leaves him.

It's his victory, but Ragna cries when it finally does.