A/N: Thank you all so much for your encouraging reviews and thoughts! I'll love reading feedback and continues to help me as we progress through the story...
Chapter 4: A Dark Night
Sarah twisted her hands anxiously as she waited for Draco to arrive. The bath had left her exhausted, but she didn't want to sleep when he was due to come any minute. And she was growing more and more frustrated that even the simplest tasks were too hard for her at the moment.
There was a knock on the door and Draco was ushered in.
"The Dark Lord says I am to get you in a half an hour" Yaxley told him, sternly, "And do not overtire her"
Draco nodded, "Thank you"
The door shut with a click.
Sarah's stomach twisted looking at Draco from across the room. So many emotions filled her-love, care, sorrow, guilt…and a deep ache for him that consumed her.
She coughed, clearing her throat, "I'm sorry I kicked you out of your rooms"
"They are our rooms" Draco said, quietly, crossing the room, "And it's not a problem. I heard you wanted to talk to me"
"I miss you" Sarah said, softly.
"I miss you too" Draco murmured under his breath, "so much"
He sat on the chair next to her bed, but his eyes had traveled to the spot next to her on the bed…his spot.
"Have you been ordered to keep your distance?" she asked, talking in low tones.
"Something like that"
"Hum" Sarah continued to twist her hands, "you look good"
"You look…" his voice trailed off.
"I know I look horrendous" Sarah laughed at him, but the laugh didn't reach her eyes, "you don't have to spare my feelings"
"You look beautiful as usual, Black" Draco said, smoothly. "I just didn't want to say good…because I know you aren't"
She nodded her acceptance.
"How are you feeling?" he inquired, leaning forward and reaching for her hand.
"I'm exhausted" she admitted. "All the time. Even the simplest tasks are difficult. I think taking a bath today nearly did me in…though please don't tell him that. He threatened to spank me if I set back my recovery"
Draco raised an eyebrow. "Has he said anything about…" he squeezed her hand, "my…aunt?"
She shook her head. "Not really" she paused, "he did agree not to punish you for…for knowing about Snape and myself"
He nodded, "He told me"
"Good" she responded, "Did he say anything else to you about…us?"
"No, not yet. I think he is still deciding"
"I see" Sarah bit her lip. They fell silent for a few minutes.
"Draco?" she finally said.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry" she said, tears pooling in her eyes, her heart heavy.
"For what?" Draco asked.
"I…" she sniffled, "I killed our baby"
Draco rose suddenly and sat beside her on the bed and pulled her into his arms. "It's not your fault" he murmured, rocking her as she cried harder.
"I…I chose to defy him. If I didn't…our son…he would still be alive. What kind of mother am I to do that?" she said, brokenly.
"Shh" Draco hushed her, "it is far more complicated than that"
"No, it's not" Sarah insisted. "Not really"
He pulled away, "Look at me"
Sarah met his eyes and he continued, "Bellatrix was aiming for our baby from the moment we conceived. And she had been aiming for you far before that. Even if you had gone and hid…she still would have done the same thing…eventually"
"Do you believe that?" she asked, her voice hoarse.
Draco nodded, "Mum and Uncle Sev do too. This is not your fault. Bellatrix killed our child, not you"
"Will you forgive me for not going and hiding like you asked me too?"
He twisted the end of her hair in his fingers, "I don't feel like there is anything to forgive. We all had to make our choice that night. And when it came down to it, we all knew that you were going to stick with Potter. You and he had this bond that was unbreakable"
She nodded. "Until it was broken"
"Death was the only thing that was going to break it…and I think the Dark Lord knew that" Draco said. "I'm sorry about our child" he said, "I wanted that baby with you"
"Did you?"
"Of course" Draco nodded, "maybe more like when we were twenty five…but for the longest time, when I pictured myself being a father…and having a family…it's been with you"
Her heart brimmed with love for him. She wouldn't have blamed him if he had railed at her…become bitter about her choices. But all he was giving her was understanding and acceptance.
"I expected you to be angry at me" she whispered.
"Why?"
"Because I'm partly angry at myself" she sighed.
"It's not changing the outcome" Draco said, "even if you hadn't stood up to him…he would have taken you still as his mistress"
"He's going to punish me"
"You won't be able to please him all the time anyway…" Draco said, quietly, "you can't avoid punishment with him"
"He tortured Snape because of me…"
"That is true" Draco admitted, "but Snape is fine"
"He seems fine, but I have been so worried about him" Sarah leaned her head down against his chest, "Watch out for him for me, won't you?"
"Of course I will" Draco said.
"I'm so tired" Sarah murmured. "I hate how tired I am all the time"
"It must be frustrating to be in bed for so long" Draco said, "but considering no one really thought that you were going to pull through…" Draco paused, "I was going to say you were lucky, but" he frowned and scrunched up his face.
"I almost didn't come back" Sarah said, "I only remember bits and pieces from when I was in the coma but I remember him bargaining with me to keep you and Hermione safe…"
"Granger?" Draco asked, surprised, "What about her?"
"He said he would call off his search for her. As long as she stays hidden, she is protected"
"Good" Draco nodded, "I'm grateful that he isn't going to torture me…but Sarah, coming back to this?"
"I had to" she whispered, "I couldn't not when I knew how much in danger all my friends were. And Snape…" her voice trailed off.
"Yeah" Draco shifted and glanced at the ticking clock on their dresser. "I think our time is almost up, actually"
"Before you go…will you kiss me?" she asked. "Just one…that's kind of keeping your distance"
"I should say so considering what I want to do to you" Draco gave her a cheeky grin. "Come here, Mrs. Malfoy" he pulled her towards her and then kissed her gently but fully on the lips. His tongue slipped into her mouth, playing with hers, causing her to groan. He pulled away.
"Such a reaction to a little kiss" he teased, his eyes bright.
"This is the most I have felt since I woke" she admitted a flush rising to her cheeks.
"I have always had that affect on you" Draco said, smugly.
"Yes you have" she poked at him. "Don't be too smug about my reaction or the Dark Lord will get suspicious that we had more than a kiss"
"I wouldn't dare" Draco kissed her again and then pulled away, "Get some rest. Maybe he will let us have another visit soon"
"I hope so" Sarah told him, "I love you, Draco"
"I love you too, Sarah"
And then he left…far too soon, leaving her feeling completely empty…aching for a future that she knew was never going to happen.
Two days later she was feeling so out of sorts. It was the middle of the night and she couldn't fight this sinking feeling that she had since Draco left her. Voldemort visited afterward and just stared at her for an hour again- neither of them talking. He did the same the following night. It was bloody disconcerting and had only added to her distress and sense of doom. That feeling of despair was weighing so heavy on her now and for the past two days, Snape was also being kept away…for reason unbeknownst to her. She was struggling as it was and then, the nightmare happened. It started with the last battle and morphed into Voldemort brutally killing Snape and Draco for her betrayal. It woke her up in a cold sweat and anxious that it was more than just a dream.
Out of instinct, she waved her hand to turn on the light, the dark shadows of the room, frightening her again, "Lumos"
Nothing happened.
She shook more. She didn't understand what was going on. Maybe she was too weak to cast spells wandlessly. She needed her wand, but Voldemort still had her wand. An idea formed in her head as she used the moonlight to sneak into the closet and open her trunk. In the bottom was her mother's wand. She had thought an extra wand would come in handy living at Malfoy Manor and up until now she had forgotten about it. She had used her mother's wand before and it worked well for her…and always made her feel closer to her mother. She didn't know what possessed her, but she was consumed by an urgent need to make sure she could use her magic.
She gripped her mother's wand. "Lumos"
The light flickered and then went out almost immediately. "Lumos" she said again.
Nothing.
She shivered as she felt a heavy weight on her chest, burying her.
"Accio dressing gown"
Her dressing gown in the other room rustled, but nothing.
She stood, her mouth open.
And then the shock turned to horror…and panic. She began to shake uncontrollably as the shadows danced around the room. It was so cold in the rooms at night.
In a frenzy, she moved over to the chair next to her bed, grabbing her dressing gown and in the process, knocked over the things from the nightstand, the glass shattering. This was going from bad to worse. He would know that she was awake now and moving about her room without his permission.
"Reparo glass" she said, flicking her wand.
"Nothing" she grunted.
"Raparo glass" she said with more gusto, flicking her wand, trying to concentrate her magic.
The glass glistened and moved slightly, but nothing more.
"Damn it" she struggled. She felt like she was going to sick up.
The door opened.
"What is going on here?" Yaxley demanded, gruffly.
The wand dropped out of her hand and she rushed to the lavatory, slamming the door. She turned on the light and then fell heavily against the door, sliding to the floor as she buried her head in her hands and sobbed.
Her magic was gone. She felt empty without it. Her magic which has been a huge part of her life since she was eleven years old…that she spent years developing and discovering. It was a part of her…down to her very essence of who she was. She was lost without it. How had she gotten here?
Her emotions were raw and exposed, carrying her to dark places.
What did this mean? The Dark Lord would surely give her to someone else now. Pettigrew. Carrow. Avery. Nott. Yaxley. Maybe he would just rotate her between them, allowing them to do horrific things to her.
At least the Dark Lord had control when he wanted to. He was evil no doubt, but he knew how to control his evil…the others lacked control…and they hated her. It was a bad combination.
She shuddered at the thought of being at their mercy.
Yaxley had been shouting at her, but didn't dare open the door. He left…presumably for the Dark Lord.
She didn't have much time.
She wanted to go back to her parents. She needed to go back to her parents…to her baby. To Fred. To Lily and James…they were her family. He was keeping Snape and Draco limited to short visits. Without them, she couldn't do this.
And without her magic, she was doomed.
She rose and leaned over to turn the knobs of the bathtub, turning the water on. It filled quickly.
And then she took off her dressing gown and leaned down on her knees, her stomach against the tub.
A memory flashed in her mind.
Draco and she were in this tub before they made love for the first time. She could picture him there so vividly. How sweet he was with her that night. Her mind moved to the first time they made love…his touch which ignited her…the way he whispered to her throughout it all, gently guiding her…encouraging her to continue when she became shy or awkward. And then the countless times after that first time…their passion was fueled on because they loved each other. They had become adults together as they discovered each other.
She would never make love to a man again. It would just be sex. She would never be loved…treasured…cherished. She would become a whore, not a wife.
The thought depressed her even more.
But at least through it all…through all the dark times previously and the dark times to come, she had her magic…or she thought she did. She didn't even have that anymore. There was no hope of protecting herself once he found out.
This was for the best.
With a deep breath, she put her head down in the water, forcing it down underneath the water.
She wished it to be quick.
She closed her eyes, wondering if this would work, fighting against the urge to pull her head up.
Self control.
It had been hammered into her since she was eleven years old. By Snape.
Snape.
His face was in front of her. His look of anguish when he realized she was dead. In spite of it all, she knew that he still needed her. How could she leave him behind? A moment of indecision…
She pulled her head up at the moment Voldemort broke through the door.
"What do you think you are doing?" his eyes were fiery as she coughed and sputtered.
He reached out for her but she turned away and went to the furthest corner of the lavatory, shrinking down, rubbing her wet head, trying to gasp for breath, shivering in the cold lavatory, under the weight of what she just tried to do.
"Oh, Merlin" she muttered, pulling at her hair, "what am I doing?" her teeth chattered.
Voldemort bent down in front of her and waved his wand at her. With a swift moment, he then grasped the back of her nightgown pulling her up and shoving her face in the toilet as she vomited up water and the contents of her dinner from earlier.
He wrestled her up and pushed her towards her sink. A arm still firmly around her waist, he turned on the faucet and splashed water on her face. Summoning a towel, he roughly wiped her face. Then he gripped her waist, turned her around, and plopped her up to sit on the counter space between the double sinks. She was still breathing heavily and while she knew that he was angry, the fury had left his eyes, left with a calculating control over his emotions.
He took two steps back. "I must say. I'm disappointed. I feel like if you were truly aiming to kill yourself, that you would have done so with more creativity…and more determination."
She kicked her legs against the cabinets, but didn't respond.
"I want an explanation. What brought this on?" when she still didn't respond, he snapped at her, "Sarah. You will answer me"
"You already know the answer" her voice was strained.
"Yaxley said you had a wand. Whose wand?"
"My mother's" her wet hair dripped down her nightgown, causing wet spots to appear. She shivered as she felt even more exposed.
"And who gave you permission to use magic?"
"Magic" Sarah's head popped up. "What magic?" she grunted. She put her fist to her forehead.
"I was under the impression that you thought that there was nothing wrong with being a muggle or a squib"
"Of course there isn't" she snapped, pressing her fist tightly against her pounding head.
"Except when it's you" Voldemort looked amused.
"This isn't funny" she cried. "Did you know?"
"Of course I know" Voldemort folded his arms, "I know when you use the loo and how often. You didn't think I would know this part of your recovery?"
"Why didn't anyone tell me?" she swallowed hard, her throat sore. "Considering it's about my magic, I should know!"
"I didn't expect you to try to use magic like an idiot" Voldemort countered, "You can barely get out of bed on your own. What made you think you were strong enough to use magic?"
"It's not about strength!" Sarah exclaimed. "It's gone! GONE!" she yelled at him.
"Do not yell at me" his voice was low, stern. He stepped towards her, leaning over her spot on the counter, each of his hands on either side of her as he bent to whisper in her ear, "Your lack of control is astoundingly pathetic. How dare you speak to me in such a manner? Do you have no sense of self preservation?"
"Considering I just tried to take my life, I doubt it"
"Fair point" his breath was on her neck. "Tell me what possessed you"
"I'm not sure. I panicked" she admitted, her face flushing, his proximity distressing her. "Without my magic, I'm nothing" she whispered.
"Of course you panicked" His voice was low as he continued to talk to her, his tone almost turning soothing. "it is a part of your identity. Discovering it lost can be a lot for one to handle. Psychologically it can create a strong reaction…that is why I kept it from you. You have already been depressed since waking. And to tell you the truth, I miscalculated. I thought you were smart enough to attempt not to use your magic without my permission"
"Apparently, I'm an idiot" she retorted, "One who can't even successfully kill myself"
He straightened, looking into her eyes, "That's because you don't truly want to" His hands rested on her hips, massaging them. "Now…"
A flicker of fear.
"Do not show me your fear" he chided. "Control." She managed to school her emotions. "Good. Now, your magic isn't gone, Sarah. It can be recovered. We must work at it. Build it up again."
"Are you sure?" her voice caught.
"Quite" his eyes studied her, "What were you thinking?"
"If I am I squib…"
"Which you are not" he countered, sternly, "All you had to do was ask me…not go into hysterics and try to drown yourself."
"But if I was…I knew that you would have no use for me"
"That would be true" he nodded solemnly. "What did you think I would do with you? Kill you?"
She shook her head, swiftly. "I thought that you would give me to Carrow or Wormtail or Avery or Nott or Yaxley…or maybe just rotate me between all of them…letting them…" her fist was back on her head, rubbing it against her forehead, "do things to me…unimaginable things"
He inclined his head, "Is that so?"
"Yes" she took a breath, "that fate would be unbearable…"
"And this fate…is it bearable?"
"Barely" she whispered, "I should have never come back" she dropped her hand.
He squeezed her hips. "Then you would be solely responsible for the torture and deaths of all you love"
"Yes" her face was deathly pale and she shuddered. She looked down to where his hands were resting on her hips and then forced herself to look up at him, "I only tried to use magic because I forgot for a moment about everything…And then when I realized I couldn't wandlessly produce a light, that's when I tried to search for my mum's wand…I had a nightmare…of you torturing and killing Snape and Draco and…the shadows in the room…I was frightened"
"I see"
"I can't function. I'm so tired all the time. And you come in and don't say a word to me. You keep Snape and Draco practically away from me…and…I have to have my magic"
"You do have it" he told her again, "we'll build it back up. But you mustn't try to use it on your own…or you might lose it forever"
"Okay" her voice was hoarse.
"Respect" his voice was low.
"Yes, sir" she automatically corrected.
"Better" he flicked his wand and her hair and nightgown was dry. He summoned her dressing gown which was on the floor and helped her put it on, she still sitting on the counter.
"Now" he looked at her sternly, "if you ever dare try to take your life again, I will torture Snape until he loses his mind, followed by Draco. It will make what Bellatrix did to the Longbottoms look like child's play, do you understand?"
"Yes sir" she grimaced, "What are you going to do to me?"
He traced a finger along her cheek, "I'm adding it to the list of your transgressions. It's becoming quite long, dearest"
She swallowed hard.
"And" he continued to trace down her face to her neck, then along the neckline to her nightgown, "furthermore, I will have you know that while I expect my death eaters to share their wives from time to time if I so desire it, it is not a reciprocal arrangement. You are mine. And I do not share you with them. The thought of you with them revolts me"'
"Draco?" she fought the urge to squirm or faint or sick up.
"You are his wife, not mine" Voldemort answered, patiently, "for now"
Her eyes became dull and he continued to trace along her neckline. "It seems to me since seeing your husband, a sort of melancholy has overcome you. The mediwitches agree"
"Well, if the mediwitches agree, then it must be so" she retorted.
"What is it? If seeing him bothers you, then you'll know what I must do"
"It does not bother me" she said, softly, "It simply is…" she shrugged, unable to describe what she is feeling.
"Try to express your feelings into words, little one"
"Bittersweet"
"I see" he studied her.
There was a knock on the door, interrupting them.
"My Lord" Severus popped his head in the lavatory.
"Come on in, Severus" Voldemort said, dropping his hand from her neckline.
"Can I get down now?" Sarah shifted on the hard counter.
"No, you may not" Voldemort turned to Snape, "Your daughter tried to drown herself tonight"
Snape startled and the turned to look at Sarah. His expression was perfectly schooled, but she felt his disapproval. "That is the weak way, Sarah" his voice was severe. She wondered if those words were for Voldemort's benefit.
She grimaced and then looked down at her nightgown, rubbing her knee with her hand. "The only weakness was that I didn't succeed"
"Enough" Voldemort reached to put his hand on her arm, squeezing it. "She has promised not to try to do such a thing again. She had a strong reaction to realizing her magic was severely compromised by Bella's curse"
"I see" Snape nodded, "We should have anticipated her trying something, my Lord. Magic is such an integral part of who she is. It was only a matter of time that she attempted a spell on her own"
"I'm worried about her psychological state"
"You think I'm nutters?" Sarah began to laugh.
"Hush" Voldemort smacked the side of her thigh, hard. "I believe we should take a few precautionary measures"
"Which are?" Severus inquired.
"You…you will spend a majority of your time with her…making sure that she is emotionally recovering as well as physically…and Draco will return to these rooms and to her bed. Mind you, not for relations…she is absolutely too weak to be fooling about with Malfoy…and I will punish all severely if they do…"
"Of course" Snape nodded, "Sarah"
She nodded.
"Sarah" Snape pressed.
"Yes, sir, my Lord, sir" she retorted. "No shagging Malfoy. Got it"
Voldemort and Snape both glared at her and she shut her mouth.
"And lastly, I fear I am making her more anxious and stunting her recovery. I will keep my distance…for now. But…" he crooked his finger towards her and she leaned forward, "This is a reprieve. Reckoning day is coming, my dear"
"I understand" she swallowed hard.
"Now" he grabbed her by the waist and picked her up from the counter, placing her on the floor, "I will leave you in the capable hands of your father. She is chilled, Severus. Even with her dressing gown. Make sure she is warm enough before bed"
"Yes, my Lord"
"I may be not visiting, but I will have reports daily though"
"Of course, my Lord" Severus murmured.
"I'm going to get some rest" he turned back and looked at her, "Goodbye for now, Sarah"
"Goodbye my Lord"
Without another word, he turned and left them alone.
Her face flooded with heat as she went and slid down the side of the lavatory wall, curled up, knees against her chest, her head in her knees, hiding herself from Snape.
There was quiet for a few moments then a wrestling of Snape's pants as he moved to sit beside her against the same wall. He did not say anything…did not move to comfort her, but just sat with her for a few minutes.
Finally she lifted her head turning to him, "I'm mortified"
"I know" he said, quietly, "It won't be the last time in this journey that you do something mortifying…or have feelings or thoughts that lead you to those dark places that you feel like you can never get out of…places where you feel that there is no hope left for you at all…and feel that you feel unable to control your feelings…"
"I didn't actually want to" she whispered, "I panicked and at the last minute, I lifted my head"
"Why?"
"I thought about you…and how you would feel if I succeeded"
"I would be devastated" he admitted.
"I know" her throat was dry. "But without my magic, I panicked. I thought he would…"
"Let his death eaters loose on you?" he asked, knowingly.
"Yes"
He reached out to squeeze her hand, "What else were you thinking?"
"I thought" she turned to him again, "do you really wish to know?"
"Yes"
"I'll never know what it feels like to be loved again…loved in the way Draco loves me…and that it will only be sex. That I will be a whore, but not a wife…for the rest of my life"
He nodded. "Yes, that would be depressing"
"It is"
"Did something happen between you and Draco?" he asked.
"We kissed" she sniffled, "And it was the most amazing feeling. It was just a kiss, but to me it felt like…"
"A lifeline?" Snape asked.
"Yes, and then since then, he kept you and Draco away from me and I was spiraling to begin with and then I had a nightmare about you and him being murdered by the Dark Lord and I wanted to turn on the light and realized I can't…and everything just fell apart"
"The good thing" snape began his voice low, "if anything that has come out of this little…lapse of judgement…is that the Dark Lord realizes that isolating you from me and Draco is a poor idea. It gives me hope that he understands that the only way that you will be able to be who he wants to be is if he allows me to lead you through this"
She rubbed her eyes, wiping the tears away, "I'm so sorry, Dad"
"Please don't apologize for that" Snape said, "I understand. I've been there before"
"Have you?"
"Yes" he said, simply. "And neither of us will go there again, understood?"
"Yes, sir"
"Just remember, Sarah Grace" his voice was low, "even when you are at your darkest, I still love you"
She sniffled hard, "I know you do. And I love you even more for it"
"And I fully believe in spite of it all, my sweet child, you have so much still left…"
"But everything I have left will be his…"
"I'm aware" Snape said, dryly, "I think in time…if you behave well, that he will let you have an apprenticeship…whichever one you desire. It will help if you have something besides him to focus on"
"May I have it with you?"
"If you'd wish" Snape nodded.
"But will he really let me?"
"I think in time" Snape said, "he is attracted to your mind as well as your strength and beauty. He'll want you to become the best you can be"
She sighed, "Thank you, Dad"
"You're welcome" he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her into him. "This won't be the last time that you feel despair…and most likely it won't be the last time I am called upon to help you work through it. We'll continue to sort through your feelings from tonight…including how you view…" he paused, "relations with him" he let go of her, "but that is definitely too much for tonight. Let's get you warm and asleep"
He pushed himself up and the stood and reached down, gripped her arm and pulled her up.
"I'd be lost without you, Dad"
"I know" Snape nodded, "And moreover, after tonight, he knows that as well. You won't have to go through this alone"
"Won't this be horrible for you, though?" she asked as he put his arm around her, she leaning on him as they walked back to her bed. He gently helped her climb back in it.
"I'm used to doing things I find horrible" Snape said, pulling up the covers, "And if it helps you, then it's worth it to me" He cast a warming charm and then leaned over and kissed her head. "Warmer?"
She nodded, "Yes"
"Goodnight then"
"You'll be here?"
"Of course" Snape gestured towards the couch, "I'll sleep on the couch tonight. Starting tomorrow, Draco can sleep with you and help you if you have a nightmare"
"Good" Sarah said, relieved. "Goodnight, Dad"
"Goodnight, little girl"
She turned on her side almost immediately and fell into an exhausted sleep. But Snape didn't move right away to the sofa. He sat there in the dark, watching her, guarding over her. And when at last he rose, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands...for try as he might, he couldn't keep the tears from falling.
A/N: While this story is definitely about Voldemort and Sarah, it is also very much still Snape and Sarah's story. Please review!
