ACT THREE



Scene I-- The wood. SANGO lying asleep.



Enter SHIPPO, KIRARA, HOJO, KANNA, MYOGA, and SOUTA.

Hojo: This looks like a good place.

Kanna: It better be. This outfit is not exactly made for hiking. I don't know how that Xena chick does it...

Shippo: (Aside) I hate location shooting. (to the others) Places, people! Quiet on the set!

Hojo: Now, Shippo, I've been thinking...

Shippo: Help.

Hojo: This play is just too bloody. We shouldn't contribute to the media desensitization of violence. What we want is an educational play, to nurture young minds and encourage wholesome family values.

Shippo: This is show business. We don't do that sort of thing here.

Hojo: I'm just saying, we should make sure the lion doesn't scare them-- especially the ladies...

Kanna: Say what?

She spits and curses.

Shippo: How about this? Kirara, don't scare anybody.

Kirara: Check.

Shippo: Okay... moving on... we only need two other props, moonlight and a wall. I'm going for that artsy, Blair Witch Project feel.

Myoga: I've got it covered.

He touches a remote control, and a holographic wall pops into view, lit by spotlights from a dozen buzzing, fireflies.

All: Oooh... ahhh...

Myoga: If you think that's impressive, you ought to see me build a battery from scratch. (Aside) Hehehe. All those books from Kagome-sama's time DO pay off...

Shippo: I've got a very good feeling about this project. I think we're doing something very special here, a story that touches me personally... I know I feel that way, and I'd like to thank all the people who helped me along the way to...

Souta: Mr. DeMille? I'm ready for my close-up.

Shippo: Right. Places, people! Let's get this thing off the ground! And... action!

As they rehearse, enter KAGURA, invisible.

Kagura: Oh, how cute - a play! Wow... they're really bad...

Shippo: All right, Hojo, now you exit! No, that way! Look for your mark! And remember your motivation!

Hojo: I'm trying to woo a baka. Trust me, there's not much motivation...(muttering) Maybe if I imagine it was Kagome-chan...

Exits.

Kagura: (giggles) Oh, I know what would be funny... a surprise plot twist!

Exits, after Hojo.

Shippo: Line! Line, Souta!

Souta: Oh. Er... Urgk.

Kirara: Urgk? What was that?

Souta: I choked.

Shippo: And to think, I'm holding a percentage of this turkey... Hojo! Get in here, ya big...

Enter KAGURA, and HOJO now transfigured into a big, ugly something. Think Naraku's youkai form, just worse.

Hojo: "If I were fair, Thisby, I were only thine..."

Shippo: Yikes.

Kanna: Now that's ugly.

Kirara: It's also not in the script.

Shippo: (to Myoga and Hojo): Okay, first of all, there'll be no ad-libbing on my set. Secondly, it's a pretty good effect, but it doesn't fit with the theme or motif of this piece. Now, maybe in the next act, we can...

Myoga: Um... I didn't do that.

Shippo: You didn't?

Myoga: Nope.

Shippo: Oh. Okay.

Kirara: Run.

Exit Shippo, Kirara, Myoga, Kanna, and Souta. Hojo stands confused.

Hojo
: Oh, come now, the dialog isn't that bad. Where are you all going? (Aside) And why do I have a sudden craving for a very shiny jewel?

Re-enter SOUTA, running around frantically.

Souta: O Hojo, thou art changed!

Hojo: That reminds me, I could also go for a lamb chop right about now...

Souta squeals and Exits.

Kagura: (Aside) Hee-hee! I think I'm starting to like theater! This is almost as much fun as toying with destiny!

Hojo: Now I see where this is going. First it was that ridiculous "snipe hunt," and now this. Well, I'll show them. I will walk up and down here, and I will sing, that they shall hear I am not afraid... (Sings, an ultrasonic bat screech) Hmm... I'm in particularly good voice tonight, if I do say so...

Sango wakes, and the love potion takes effect.

Sango: What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?

Hojo: Angel? Heh, heh... well, no. We all seek to serve Buddha in our own, small ways... but not an angel... though I suppose it's an easy enough mistake to make...

Sango: Whatever. Do that bat screech again. That rocked.

Hojo: It did?

Sango: Oh, absolutely. Almost like a Hendrix thing, or even Eric Clapton... and you know, I'm not really into poison fangs, but on you they work...

Hojo: Er... thank you, I think. For my part, I've always found fairies to be quite attractive. By the way, do you know the path out of this wood?

Sango: Come on, baby, the night is young! I'll give the fairies to attend on thee... (Aside, to the author) By the way, I'm doing this 'cause Hojo's a nice guy and all, but we will be drawing the line before the whole death thing, right? (listens) Just checking. (To Off) All right, troops, haul it!

Enter KOHAKU, and three other fairies: THREEPIOBLOSSOM, MORN, and JARJARSEED.

Threepio: How may we serve you, Your Highness?

Jar-Jar: Mesa ready, yousa great der pixiequeen!

Morn opens his mouth to say something, then shakes his head and remains quiet.

Sango
: Be kind and courteous to this gentlemen, guys.

Kohaku: You gotta be kidding. Him?

Sango: Oh, like your taste in women is so great.

Kohaku: At least I never brought home a drunken youkai with a snake on his back.

Sango: Shut up!

Kohaku: You shut up!

Jar-Jar breaks up an ensuing slap fight between the siblings. Morn opens his mouth to offer sage commentary upon the situation, but then shrugs.

Hojo
: Er... maybe I should go...

Sango: Freeze, pal! You don't get away that easily. I haven't had a date in ages. (to fairies) Lead him to my bower.

They lead Hojo away, muttering...

Threepio: I'm certain this is quite irregular. Play a pixie, indeed... and not even in the proper galaxy!

They Exit.



Scene II-- Another part of the wood



Enter MIROKU and KAGURA.

Kagura: So there was this play, right? Like, for the Duke's wedding? And a bunch of humans and a firecat demon, and a kitsune? And their play was, like, really bad? So I turned one of them into a really ugly youkai? He looks cute, all fuzzy like that...

Miroku: Kagura, what have I told you about finding beauty in things that want to kill and eat you?

Kagura: Yeah, but then, like, Sango woke up? And I didn't know what to do? So, like, I just let it happen? So then she fell in love with the youkai, but I'm really, really sorry...

Miroku: A youkai? That potion made her choose a youkai over me?

Kagura: Um... pretty much. Are you mad?

Miroku: Powerful stuff. We ought to market it. What about those mortals?

Kagura: Don't worry, Miroku. I did that really good. I found him just like you said, so I...

Enter INU-YASHA and KIKYO.

Miroku: There's one of them now.

Kagura: Yup, there's the guy, but the girl is different.

Miroku stares at Kagura for a long moment.

Kagura: What?

Inu-Yasha: (talking to Kikyo) I'm just saying, it's so against regulations to kill your friend's fiancee!

Kikyo: What do I look like, Jack the Ripper? I didn't kill anybody.

Inu-Yasha: Oh, so if I checked you out, I wouldn't find a single arrow missing? Not a single bloodstain?

Kikyo: You can check me anytime you want, baby.

Inu-Yasha: That was not foreplay! If you didn't kill Kagome, where is she? She wouldn't just leave me!

Kikyo: Have you checked ancient Greece? She reminds me a little of the back end of a Centaur...

Inu-Yasha: If you're going to get all catty, I'll just have to find her myself.

Exits.

Kikyo: Hey, Inu-Yasha! Inu-Yasha, wait! (sighs) It's not easy being me. Oh, sure, everybody thinks it would be cool to be apowerful priestess who cheated death and can kill demons with a mere thought, but nobody ever thinks the priestess might have feelings... feeellllinnng... Uh-oh, I think all this stress has worn down... my... powerrrrr...Neeeed...mooooreeee...sooooouls...

She drops to the ground, exhausted. Miroku looks at Kagura again.

Kagura: Oopsie.

Miroku: Why do I put up with you? I should just hire Wile E. Coyote to implement my plans - he couldn't do any worse, and at least he's quiet!

Kagura: Maybe I can fix this...

Miroku: You'd better. Go find the hanyou and bring him here. (Aside) Lord, what fools these pixies be.

Kagura: Actually, that's my line.

Miroku gives her a look.

Kagura: I'll just go get Kikyo...

Exits.

Miroku: I can't believe I actually let her hold the map. We're lucky she finds her way back from the restroom... (Aside, to the Author) Still, I must admit, it's very amusing to watch your carefully constructed plot fall apart. I might try being benevolent more often...

He uses the love potion on Kikyo. Re-enter KAGURA, hesitantly.

Kagura: Are you still mad?

Miroku: Do you have them with you?

Kagura: Well, yes, but... I mean, if I bring them in now, then Kagome and Kikyo will both be in love with Naraku. They might even fight or something.

Miroku: Is there a downside to this?

Kagura: Remind me to talk to you houshis about the concept of feminism...

Enter KAGOME and NARAKU.

Naraku: Did Sango put you up to this? It's about that time I left her with that guy in the woods, isn't it? I apologized for that!

Kagome: No, no. I honestly prefer you to Inu-Yasha. Why don't you believe me?

Naraku: Um... hello?

Kagome: Okay, besides the obvious reasons, I mean.

Kagura, meanwhile, calls up those snake-like demon thingies that eat souls, and feeds them. Kikyo wakes.

Kikyo: Naraku, are you, like, using a new cologne or something?

Naraku: Huh?

Kikyo: I don't know, maybe it's the lighting, or that barbecue sauce stain on your shirt, or a really nefarious curse, but suddenly I'm so... drawn to you...

Naraku: Oh, this is too much! I mean, one of you trying this gag would be enough, but two women... I mean, what am I gonna do with two... beautiful... women? (Aside, to the Author, small voice) Thank you.

Kagome: Stand back, sister. You want Inu-Yasha? You got him. Naraku's mine.

Kikyo: I wonder what my Shinimadachuu would say about that...?

Kagome: Do you think they'd even see me past your overly inflated ego?

Kikyo: Oh, it's on, now...

Naraku: Ladies, Ladies... there's plenty of Naraku to go around!

Kagome: No way! You're all mine!

Kikyo: He's mine!

Naraku: Oh, this story rules!

While Kikyo and Kagome go at it, Kagura and Miroku are still looking on...

Kagura: Okay, so it's all my fault...

Miroku: Are you kidding? This is better than Jerry Springer.

Enter INU-YASHA.

Inu-Yasha: Kagome? Finally! I'm so glad you're all right!

Naraku: (Aside) Hooray, I'm dead. (to Inu-Yasha) Maybe you better sit down, Boss. The good news is, Kikyo's gonna leave you alone from now on...

Inu-Yasha: That's great! Now Kagome and I can get on with our lives.

Naraku: Ooh, bad news about that...

Inu-Yasha: Kagome, what's going on?

Kagome: You look a little familiar. Umm... Dilbert, right? Yeah, I remember now, you're the big guy who's always making speeches about the Shikon no Tama?

Inu-Yasha: A little familiar? We're in love! We're almost married in real life!

Kagome: Oh. Well, I'm in love with Naraku now. Hasta la vista, Dilbert.

Inu-Yasha: (to Naraku) Have you been experimenting with those pheromone potions again?

Naraku: Dude, I swear this isn't me! I thought it was a big... joke... Oh. I get it. You're all in on it, right? I'm on candid camera? Where's the camera? I can take a gag, but let's not be insulting... Kagome, you and Inu-Yasha go get married. Kikyo, you can go back to hating my guts. C'mon, I'm warning you, I'm tight with the Queen of Fairies. Don't make me start calling in favors.

Kagome: Stay, gentle Naraku; hear my excuse. My love, my life, my soul, dear Naraku!

Kikyo: Naraku, why don't I send my Shinidamachuu after these... people... so you and I can finally be alone?

Inu-Yasha: You know, I don't think they're joking. I wonder if this could be Ares' work?

Naraku stands on tiptoe and whispers something to Inu-Yasha.

Inu-Yasha: Ares the youkai, I mean. Big guy, bone blades, quotes from 'The Fountainhead' a lot.

Kagome: (to Kikyo) Now, for the last time, back off before I do a Jim Kirk on your brain!

While the argument continues, Inu-Yasha  turns very slowly on Naraku...

Inu-Yasha: Because the only other possibility is that you're a lying little weasel who came by night and stole my love's heart.

Naraku: Well, gotta go...

He starts to run, but Inu-Yasha catches him by the scruff of the neck.

Inu-Yasha: (to Kagome) It's because he's a freaking megalomaniac and I'm kind of a dim-witted hanyou, isn't it? You're into that whole brainiac thing? Well, I may not be genius, but I know thirty-seven techniques to cause pain without killing an opponent!

Naraku: Y'know, I think if we could just let bygones be bygones and talk this over, we could come to a mutual understanding...

Kikyo: Don't worry, Naraku, I won't let him hurt you.

Kikyo strings her bow and shoots, forcing Inu-Yasha to duck. Naraku scurries away.

Inu-Yasha: I thought you couldn't aim!

Kikyo: Me, too, but it turns out I'm just that good. (to Kagome, who is doting on a stunned Naraku) Now for this little hussy...

Inu-Yasha starts to get up, to protect Kagome. In the background, MIROKU zaps him with a bolt of fairy power, and he flops back on the ground.

Kagura: What was that for?

Miroku: Kicks.

Naraku: (groans, Aside) You know, I always wake up just as the beautiful women are starting to fight over me. I never figured the dream turned out like this...

Kagome sneaks up on Kikyo for a rabbit punch to the solar plexus. Kikyo starts pulling hair, and they Exit, fighting. Inu-Yasha lays there on the ground, panting...

Inu-Yasha: (Aside) And I kind of thought leaving that other show would be the end of me getting my ass kicked on a weekly basis. (to Naraku) I'll get you for this.

Naraku: Good luck. I'm small, but I'm quick.

He runs away.

Inu-Yasha: I don't care what anybody says; I know Ares is in on this.

Exits, after Naraku.

Miroku: Ares. God of War. I like the sound of that.

Kagura: Um... Mister God of War, sir? Maybe we should fix this now?

Miroku: Oh, all right. Here's the antidote. Run them around for a while, get them good and tired, then crush this herb into Sarmia's eye, whose liquor hath this virtuous property to take from thence all error with her sight. When next they wake, all this derision shall appear a dream.

Kagura: Yippee! I'll do it right now!

Starts to leave, then stops.

Kagura: All those big words meant 'cure her,' right?

Miroku: (sighs) Yes. They meant 'cure her.'

Kagura: One question. (Miroku nods) You're not into, like, monogamy, right? (Miroku nods) And Inu-Yasha obviously is hotter, right? (Miroku nods) So, technically, shouldn't you forget about Naraku and make them both fall for Inu-Yasha?

Miroku: You're assuming I like these people.

They Exit.

*****