ACT THREE
Scene I-- The wood. SANGO lying asleep.
Enter SHIPPO, KIRARA, HOJO, KANNA, MYOGA,
and SOUTA.
Hojo: This looks like a good place.
Kanna: It better be. This outfit is
not exactly made for hiking. I don't know how that Xena chick does it...
Shippo: (Aside) I hate location
shooting. (to the others) Places, people! Quiet on the set!
Hojo: Now, Shippo, I've been
thinking...
Shippo: Help.
Hojo: This play is just too bloody.
We shouldn't contribute to the media desensitization of violence. What we want
is an educational play, to nurture young minds and encourage wholesome family
values.
Shippo: This is show business. We
don't do that sort of thing here.
Hojo: I'm just saying, we should make
sure the lion doesn't scare them-- especially the ladies...
Kanna: Say what?
She spits and curses.
Shippo: How about this? Kirara, don't
scare anybody.
Kirara: Check.
Shippo: Okay... moving on... we only
need two other props, moonlight and a wall. I'm going for that artsy, Blair
Witch Project feel.
Myoga: I've got it covered.
He touches a remote control, and a
holographic wall pops into view, lit by spotlights from a dozen buzzing, fireflies.
All: Oooh... ahhh...
Myoga: If you think that's
impressive, you ought to see me build a battery from scratch. (Aside) Hehehe.
All those books from Kagome-sama's time DO pay off...
Shippo: I've got a very good feeling
about this project. I think we're doing something very special here, a story
that touches me personally... I know I feel that way, and I'd like to thank all
the people who helped me along the way to...
Souta: Mr. DeMille? I'm ready for my
close-up.
Shippo: Right. Places, people! Let's
get this thing off the ground! And... action!
As they rehearse, enter KAGURA,
invisible.
Kagura: Oh, how cute - a play! Wow...
they're really bad...
Shippo: All right, Hojo, now you
exit! No, that way! Look for your mark! And remember your motivation!
Hojo: I'm trying to woo a baka. Trust
me, there's not much motivation...(muttering) Maybe if I imagine it was
Kagome-chan...
Exits.
Kagura: (giggles) Oh, I know what would
be funny... a surprise plot twist!
Exits, after Hojo.
Shippo: Line! Line, Souta!
Souta: Oh. Er... Urgk.
Kirara: Urgk? What was that?
Souta: I choked.
Shippo: And to think, I'm holding a
percentage of this turkey... Hojo! Get in here, ya big...
Enter KAGURA, and HOJO now transfigured
into a big, ugly something. Think Naraku's youkai form, just worse.
Hojo: "If I were fair, Thisby, I
were only thine..."
Shippo: Yikes.
Kanna: Now that's ugly.
Kirara: It's also not in the script.
Shippo: (to Myoga and Hojo): Okay,
first of all, there'll be no ad-libbing on my set. Secondly, it's a pretty good
effect, but it doesn't fit with the theme or motif of this piece. Now, maybe in
the next act, we can...
Myoga: Um... I didn't do that.
Shippo: You didn't?
Myoga: Nope.
Shippo: Oh. Okay.
Kirara: Run.
Exit Shippo, Kirara, Myoga, Kanna, and Souta.
Hojo stands confused.
Hojo: Oh, come now, the dialog isn't that bad. Where are you all going?
(Aside) And why do I have a sudden craving for a very shiny jewel?
Re-enter SOUTA, running around
frantically.
Souta: O Hojo, thou art changed!
Hojo: That reminds me, I could also
go for a lamb chop right about now...
Souta squeals and Exits.
Kagura: (Aside) Hee-hee! I think I'm
starting to like theater! This is almost as much fun as toying with destiny!
Hojo: Now I see where this is going.
First it was that ridiculous "snipe hunt," and now this. Well, I'll
show them. I will walk up and down here, and I will sing, that they shall hear
I am not afraid... (Sings, an ultrasonic bat screech) Hmm... I'm in
particularly good voice tonight, if I do say so...
Sango wakes, and the love potion takes
effect.
Sango: What angel wakes me from my
flowery bed?
Hojo: Angel? Heh, heh... well, no. We
all seek to serve Buddha in our own, small ways... but not an angel... though I
suppose it's an easy enough mistake to make...
Sango: Whatever. Do that bat screech
again. That rocked.
Hojo: It did?
Sango: Oh, absolutely. Almost like a
Hendrix thing, or even Eric Clapton... and you know, I'm not really into poison
fangs, but on you they work...
Hojo: Er... thank you, I think. For
my part, I've always found fairies to be quite attractive. By the way, do you
know the path out of this wood?
Sango: Come on, baby, the night is
young! I'll give the fairies to attend on thee... (Aside, to the author) By the
way, I'm doing this 'cause Hojo's a nice guy and all, but we will be drawing
the line before the whole death thing, right? (listens) Just checking. (To Off)
All right, troops, haul it!
Enter KOHAKU, and three other fairies:
THREEPIOBLOSSOM, MORN, and JARJARSEED.
Threepio: How may we serve you, Your
Highness?
Jar-Jar: Mesa ready, yousa great der
pixiequeen!
Morn opens his mouth to say something,
then shakes his head and remains quiet.
Sango: Be kind and courteous to this gentlemen, guys.
Kohaku: You gotta be kidding. Him?
Sango: Oh, like your taste in women
is so great.
Kohaku: At least I never brought home
a drunken youkai with a snake on his back.
Sango: Shut up!
Kohaku: You shut up!
Jar-Jar breaks up an ensuing slap fight between the siblings. Morn opens his
mouth to offer sage commentary upon the situation, but then shrugs.
Hojo: Er... maybe I should go...
Sango: Freeze, pal! You don't get
away that easily. I haven't had a date in ages. (to fairies) Lead him to my
bower.
They lead Hojo away, muttering...
Threepio: I'm certain this is quite
irregular. Play a pixie, indeed... and not even in the proper galaxy!
They Exit.
Scene II-- Another part of the wood
Enter MIROKU and KAGURA.
Kagura: So there was this play,
right? Like, for the Duke's wedding? And a bunch of humans and a firecat demon,
and a kitsune? And their play was, like, really bad? So I turned one of them
into a really ugly youkai? He looks cute, all fuzzy like that...
Miroku: Kagura, what have I told you
about finding beauty in things that want to kill and eat you?
Kagura: Yeah, but then, like, Sango
woke up? And I didn't know what to do? So, like, I just let it happen? So then
she fell in love with the youkai, but I'm really, really sorry...
Miroku: A youkai? That potion made
her choose a youkai over me?
Kagura: Um... pretty much. Are you
mad?
Miroku: Powerful stuff. We ought to
market it. What about those mortals?
Kagura: Don't worry, Miroku. I did
that really good. I found him just like you said, so I...
Enter INU-YASHA and KIKYO.
Miroku: There's one of them now.
Kagura: Yup, there's the guy, but the
girl is different.
Miroku stares at Kagura for a long
moment.
Kagura: What?
Inu-Yasha: (talking to Kikyo) I'm
just saying, it's so against regulations to kill your friend's fiancee!
Kikyo: What do I look like, Jack the
Ripper? I didn't kill anybody.
Inu-Yasha: Oh, so if I checked you
out, I wouldn't find a single arrow missing? Not a single bloodstain?
Kikyo: You can check me anytime you
want, baby.
Inu-Yasha: That was not foreplay! If
you didn't kill Kagome, where is she? She wouldn't just leave me!
Kikyo: Have you checked ancient
Greece? She reminds me a little of the back end of a Centaur...
Inu-Yasha: If you're going to get all
catty, I'll just have to find her myself.
Exits.
Kikyo: Hey, Inu-Yasha! Inu-Yasha,
wait! (sighs) It's not easy being me. Oh, sure, everybody thinks it would be
cool to be apowerful priestess who cheated death and can kill demons with a
mere thought, but nobody ever thinks the priestess might have feelings...
feeellllinnng... Uh-oh, I think all this stress has worn down... my...
powerrrrr...Neeeed...mooooreeee...sooooouls...
She drops to the ground, exhausted. Miroku
looks at Kagura again.
Kagura: Oopsie.
Miroku: Why do I put up with you? I
should just hire Wile E. Coyote to implement my plans - he couldn't do any
worse, and at least he's quiet!
Kagura: Maybe I can fix this...
Miroku: You'd better. Go find the hanyou
and bring him here. (Aside) Lord, what fools these pixies be.
Kagura: Actually, that's my line.
Miroku gives her a look.
Kagura: I'll just go get Kikyo...
Exits.
Miroku: I can't believe I actually
let her hold the map. We're lucky she finds her way back from the restroom...
(Aside, to the Author) Still, I must admit, it's very amusing to watch your
carefully constructed plot fall apart. I might try being benevolent more
often...
He uses the love potion on Kikyo.
Re-enter KAGURA, hesitantly.
Kagura: Are you still mad?
Miroku: Do you have them with you?
Kagura: Well, yes, but... I mean, if
I bring them in now, then Kagome and Kikyo will both be in love with Naraku.
They might even fight or something.
Miroku: Is there a downside to this?
Kagura: Remind me to talk to you houshis
about the concept of feminism...
Enter KAGOME and NARAKU.
Naraku: Did Sango put you up to this?
It's about that time I left her with that guy in the woods, isn't it? I
apologized for that!
Kagome: No, no. I honestly prefer you
to Inu-Yasha. Why don't you believe me?
Naraku: Um... hello?
Kagome: Okay, besides the obvious
reasons, I mean.
Kagura, meanwhile, calls up those
snake-like demon thingies that eat souls, and feeds them. Kikyo wakes.
Kikyo: Naraku, are you, like, using a
new cologne or something?
Naraku: Huh?
Kikyo: I don't know, maybe it's the
lighting, or that barbecue sauce stain on your shirt, or a really nefarious curse,
but suddenly I'm so... drawn to you...
Naraku: Oh, this is too much! I mean,
one of you trying this gag would be enough, but two women... I mean, what am I
gonna do with two... beautiful... women? (Aside, to the Author, small voice)
Thank you.
Kagome: Stand back, sister. You want Inu-Yasha?
You got him. Naraku's mine.
Kikyo: I wonder what my Shinimadachuu
would say about that...?
Kagome: Do you think they'd even see
me past your overly inflated ego?
Kikyo: Oh, it's on, now...
Naraku: Ladies, Ladies... there's
plenty of Naraku to go around!
Kagome: No way! You're all mine!
Kikyo: He's mine!
Naraku: Oh, this story rules!
While Kikyo and Kagome go at it, Kagura
and Miroku are still looking on...
Kagura: Okay, so it's all my fault...
Miroku: Are you kidding? This is
better than Jerry Springer.
Enter INU-YASHA.
Inu-Yasha: Kagome? Finally! I'm so
glad you're all right!
Naraku: (Aside) Hooray, I'm dead. (to
Inu-Yasha) Maybe you better sit down, Boss. The good news is, Kikyo's gonna
leave you alone from now on...
Inu-Yasha: That's great! Now Kagome
and I can get on with our lives.
Naraku: Ooh, bad news about that...
Inu-Yasha: Kagome, what's going on?
Kagome: You look a little familiar.
Umm... Dilbert, right? Yeah, I remember now, you're the big guy who's always
making speeches about the Shikon no Tama?
Inu-Yasha: A little familiar? We're
in love! We're almost married in real life!
Kagome: Oh. Well, I'm in love with Naraku
now. Hasta la vista, Dilbert.
Inu-Yasha: (to Naraku) Have you been
experimenting with those pheromone potions again?
Naraku: Dude, I swear this isn't me!
I thought it was a big... joke... Oh. I get it. You're all in on it, right? I'm
on candid camera? Where's the camera? I can take a gag, but let's not be
insulting... Kagome, you and Inu-Yasha go get married. Kikyo, you can go back
to hating my guts. C'mon, I'm warning you, I'm tight with the Queen of Fairies.
Don't make me start calling in favors.
Kagome: Stay, gentle Naraku; hear my
excuse. My love, my life, my soul, dear Naraku!
Kikyo: Naraku, why don't I send my Shinidamachuu
after
these... people... so you and I can finally be alone?
Inu-Yasha: You know, I don't think
they're joking. I wonder if this could be Ares' work?
Naraku stands on tiptoe and whispers
something to Inu-Yasha.
Inu-Yasha: Ares the youkai, I mean.
Big guy, bone blades, quotes from 'The Fountainhead' a lot.
Kagome: (to Kikyo) Now, for the last
time, back off before I do a Jim Kirk on your brain!
While the argument continues, Inu-Yasha turns very slowly on Naraku...
Inu-Yasha: Because the only other
possibility is that you're a lying little weasel who came by night and stole my
love's heart.
Naraku: Well, gotta go...
He starts to run, but Inu-Yasha catches
him by the scruff of the neck.
Inu-Yasha: (to Kagome) It's because
he's a freaking megalomaniac and I'm kind of a dim-witted hanyou, isn't it?
You're into that whole brainiac thing? Well, I may not be genius, but I know
thirty-seven techniques to cause pain without killing an opponent!
Naraku: Y'know, I think if we could
just let bygones be bygones and talk this over, we could come to a mutual
understanding...
Kikyo: Don't worry, Naraku, I won't
let him hurt you.
Kikyo strings her bow and shoots, forcing
Inu-Yasha to duck. Naraku scurries away.
Inu-Yasha: I thought you couldn't
aim!
Kikyo: Me, too, but it turns out I'm
just that good. (to Kagome, who is doting on a stunned Naraku) Now for this
little hussy...
Inu-Yasha starts to get up, to protect Kagome.
In the background, MIROKU zaps him with a bolt of fairy power, and he flops
back on the ground.
Kagura: What was that for?
Miroku: Kicks.
Naraku: (groans, Aside) You know, I
always wake up just as the beautiful women are starting to fight over me. I
never figured the dream turned out like this...
Kagome sneaks up on Kikyo for a rabbit
punch to the solar plexus. Kikyo starts pulling hair, and they Exit, fighting. Inu-Yasha
lays there on the ground, panting...
Inu-Yasha: (Aside) And I kind of
thought leaving that other show would be the end of me getting my ass kicked on
a weekly basis. (to Naraku) I'll get you for this.
Naraku: Good luck. I'm small, but I'm
quick.
He runs away.
Inu-Yasha: I don't care what anybody
says; I know Ares is in on this.
Exits, after Naraku.
Miroku: Ares. God of War. I like the
sound of that.
Kagura: Um... Mister God of War, sir?
Maybe we should fix this now?
Miroku: Oh, all right. Here's the
antidote. Run them around for a while, get them good and tired, then crush this
herb into Sarmia's eye, whose liquor hath this virtuous property to take from
thence all error with her sight. When next they wake, all this derision shall
appear a dream.
Kagura: Yippee! I'll do it right now!
Starts to leave, then stops.
Kagura: All those big words meant
'cure her,' right?
Miroku: (sighs) Yes. They meant 'cure
her.'
Kagura: One question. (Miroku nods) You're
not into, like, monogamy, right? (Miroku nods) And Inu-Yasha obviously is
hotter, right? (Miroku nods) So, technically, shouldn't you forget about Naraku
and make them both fall for Inu-Yasha?
Miroku: You're assuming I like these
people.
They Exit.
*****
