trembling stars are shining

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chapter four

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I cave in – and by that, I mean I tell Raven everything about my crushes on both Chase Redford and Apple White. Raven had cornered me in the girls' bathroom like some maniac and I spilled like an overflown sink. Cupid's absent because, it's like I said, we're friends but we aren't that close.

Let's face it, the fact that I held this secret to myself is a miracle itself. And maybe I've overexaggerating because 'love' is just something too extravagant to belittle, but by the time I conclude the summary of my 'love life', it's clear that things are a messy ordeal.

"I understand why you would like her, but tell me," Raven says. "what's so special about this boy?"

As I curl a silver-ish blonde strand of hair around my finger, I'm secretly glad that Raven is using codenames for my crushes. Just this morning, I was a nervous wreck, then minutes later I was paranoid that someone would eavesdrop on our girl talk and spill the beans, but now I'm calmer. We're referring to Chase as 'boy', 'he' and 'him' while Apple is 'girl', 'she' and 'her' – it's anonymous and a little funny if you've watched Bird Box on Netflix.

I chew on my lower lip, tasting the raspberry lip gloss I applied. I'm trying to find a way to defend my feelings for Chase while Raven watches me think.

Raven's arms crossed as she leans against the bathroom wall all cool like. Meanwhile, I'm sat on the sink, swinging my legs. So, this conversation has gone on longer than I thought and we've pretty much skipped fourth and fifth period because of it. If my mother were to know, she'd freak. But, I think it's obvious that I'm not the best role model and this isn't my first rodeo, so, hey, what are you gonna do about me and my bullshit?

"I dunno," I shrug, lifting a shoulder. "He's just nice." And isn't a nice boy a somewhat definition of a safe crush? "He doesn't trip over his own feet to talk to me like most guys at Ever After High. I like that he's friends with me, I like that he doesn't push me to do things. He's responsible –"

"When he's not high." Raven butts in.

"Yeah …"

Ah, I think that's Raven's biggest issue with Chase – the weed thing – not that I blame her. Raven didn't seem all that surprised when I said I had feelings for Apple. Apple's a good person to have a crush on; she's sweet and science-y smart and charismatic in a leading way. The whole school is familiar with our beauty queen, it isn't much of a surprise to find out that 1/3 of the school's population is in love with Apple and … I think I've been too obvious in liking someone like Apple (apparently, I have a type when falling for female celebrity crushes) so, yeah, Apple's a good person to crush on. Chase on the other hand ...

Shaking off my nerves, I ask Raven, "You don't have a problem that he's from the other school, do you, Rae?"

"Of course not." Raven answers. "It's just the drug thing."

"Hmm," I nod, I see that my previous speculation was correct.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Raven pushes herself off from the wall and starts playing with her long, dark hair.

I blink. "It?"

"Yeah, are you going to confess to either of them?"

I swear I almost choked on air. "Confess?!"

"Darling." Raven gives me a pointed look, her purple contacts beaming through me. "You can't just keep your feelings to herself."

Why not? I think to myself.

"It's eating you up alive." Raven answers the question in my head despite the fact that I hadn't said anything. Maybe it was the face I made, but, I swear Raven has magical powers sometimes, like mind reading. "If you don't say anything then nothing's going to happen. And when nothing happens, you'll end up nowhere. And nowhere leads to your feelings crashing and burning. You'll regret not telling them, Darling."

Does Raven really have the right to say all this to me when she doesn't even admit her crush on Dex?

I, however, don't say that. Instead, I tell Raven, "Look, I get that there's some conflict, but the most logical route is, um, Chase, right?" Crap, I've just said his name. Oh, who cares? Nobody's been in the girls' bathroom since last period. May as well go all out and continue mumbling like a madman.

"Really?" Rave raises a brow. Her face says, 'You haven't even tried anything with Apple yet'.

"I mean, I'm actually friends with Chase. I can talk to him and form legitimate sentences, unlike when I'm around Apple. And, ah, I think he's straight so he might like me back, I don't know? Even if he doesn't, I know he'll let me down gently." I wring my hands together. "Apple, on the other hand, she's totally straight, she's dated tons of boys and the last time I checked, I'm not a boy, so –"

"You're stressing too much about this."

"Am I?"

"Yeah."

"Well," I throw my arms in the air. "What do you expect me to do? I told you I can't choose! And I can't confess to both of them! I'd be royally fucked if I get my heart broken twice. It's best I give up on one and just choose the other and live with the consequences."

Raven touches my shoulder and sighs, "You can't live like this."

No shit. Especially since today's Friday and I'd have to see Chase and the other Wonderlandian kids soon.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I say, "I get that you're concern, Rae, I have landed myself in a really weird situation but ... have a little faith in me, will you? My hangouts with Chase and Apple will just be hangouts. Nothing can possibly happen, it's a group thing, we're surrounded by friends, we won't be left completely alone. Worst case scenario is I embarrass myself. Best case scenario is someone falls in love with me. But the likely scenario is we just chill and nothing changes. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Bold last words." Is all Raven says as her face twists into this knowing look.

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Notes: I've been lazy and I'm down with the flu, but I've got like … 3 or 4 chapters plan I think? I dunno. But I do know that I'm gonna abandon this fic after I reach a certain point. I just want to get it out of the way, tbh.

3 January 20biteen