That Damn (Darn) Portal

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

Ally, Amy, and K'tanya had all assumed impressive pouts. (K'tanya's was the most impressive because she was a Sue, and we all know they have impressive pouts.)

Murtagh was sitting outside the dungeon, whistling happily. His guard duty would be over in a few minutes and life would go back to as normal as it could be when he was Galbatorix's mind slave. He was currently reading his self-help book. He turned to the last page he was finally done. His mouth dropped when he got to the last sentence. It read: "If these girls ever pop, you're going crazy. Accept it now." Murtagh threw it down angrily.
"They call that a self-help book?" he screamed at no one in particular.

"Cabbage head!" Amy yelled. (Three guesses as to what that means.)

Murtagh just stared at her.

"I feel like I've been stabbed, but I can't find any blood," he muttered.

"It's one of Amy's insults. It's better and more original than mine," Ally sighed.

"Mine are far more original than hers!" K'tanya put in randomly.

"I'm sure they are," Ally replied sarcastically.

"They are," K'tanya protested.

"I didn't say they weren't," Ally responded. She then proceeded to look at her nails.

Murtagh was about to get up when the strangeness increased. A group of girls walked into the room. They were all wearing Madeline outfits. Well, one wasn't. She was dressed as an Arby's oven mitt because she thought it was Halloween.

"Whoa!" the only one not in a Madeline outfit yelled.

A tall, dark-haired man followed them.

"Girls, did I ever tell you my favorite part of-- Where are we?" he said, changing his tone as he looked around the room.

"No, Mr. L----, you just told us about your favorite part of Wayne's World," Ally shouted happily from the cell below them.

"Yeah, Mr. Cool Beans," one of the girls in Madeline outfits put in.

"Donny, can you see the pain?" the teacher asked.

"It's Paige now," the girl corrected.

"Whatever," the teacher replied.

Murtagh looked at the teacher empathetically. "I've felt the pain from them," he comforted, pointing at Ally and Amy.

"Really? It's usually Paige who causes pain. Not that they all don't occasionally," Mr. L replied.

"I don't know this Paige yet," Murtagh remarked.

"Consider yourself lucky," the teacher told the poor rider.

"Hey, are you saying I never cause pain?" third girl spoke up.

"Fine, Kate. You do," Mr. L conceded.

"And I'm about to now," Kate replied, pulling out a random yardstick. "We heard that you broke your third 'board of education' this year and needed a new one. Here it is."

Mr. L took the yardstick and stared at it. It read:

"To Draco, our precious, pansy professor.

Lots of love from your Spartan students."

Mr. L continued to stare.

"Kate, can you see the pain?" Mr. L repeated.

"Don't I cause pain?" the Arby's girl demanded.

"Of course you do, Tess," Mr. L groaned

"Well, you disturbed our minds with the horse thing," a fourth girl spoke up.

"I didn't tell you anything, Abby. You just figured it out for yourselves," the teacher sighed.

"Abby, never mention the horse thing again," a fifth girl put in. "Then again, at least I'm not eating now."

"We love you though, Abby," Ally shouted. "You're only slightly perverted at times."

"And the other times I'm mostly perverted?" Abby shot back jokingly.

"Yeah, pretty much," Ally agreed.

Abby pretend to be offended.

"I'm so glad I'm not eating," the fifth girl, who was named Nicole, put in.

"You keep up that gratitude," the lady from before spoke up. She had returned.

"Jesus Christ!" Ally yelled.

The lady glared at her.

"Is my savior?" Ally whimpered.

The lady walked out, shooting a final glare at Ally for good measure.

"So, where are we?" a sixth girl named Meg asked.

"Alagaƫsia," Amy replied.

"As in Eragon's world?" Paige inquired.

Amy nodded.

Abby acquired a strange smile. "Oh, the matchmaking I could do," she simpered dreamily.

Amy's eyes widened.

"What's wrong?" Ally whispered.

"Three guesses at her favorite pairing. You get one clue: she hasn't read Eldest yet because there are certain things she has to still 'not know'." Amy explained.

Ally's eyes widened. "Oh s---!" she replied.

"You really need to work on that swearing," Amy remarked.

"Oh, it's only that word I have a problem with," Ally comforted.

"Funny," Kate remarked. "I wouldn't think you'd be one to cuss."

"Oh, remember where you said bitch in front of my parents," a sixth girl named Emily spoke up.

"I didn't mean to," Ally muttered.

"Oh, they thought it was funny," Emily comforted. "I mean, you only called somebody from a riddle that."

"True," Ally agreed.

Murtagh, Thorn, and Ohen just stared. K'tanya decided to make yet another speech.

"This has gone far enough! None of you belong here! You deserve to have your entrails cut out and burned!" the Mary Sue cried passionately.

"That's mean," Emily remarked.

"It is only the truth. I am perfect. I am the kindest and best person in the world," K'tanya protested.

Ally, Amy, and Abby, who were all aware of the horror that is Mary Sue, all clutched their stomachs to keep from vomiting. Murtagh was actually doing the same exact thing. Abby noticed Murtagh and walked over to him.

"Oh, Murtagh, may I ask your opinions on Eragon?" she inquired.

"Uh, he's my brother," Murtagh answered, unsure of why she had asked the question.

"I knew it!" Abby yelled, punching her fist in the air.

Murtagh just stared at her, confused. Amy and Ally groaned. Paige's eyes widened in horror.

"Please, tell me her favorite pairing isn't Eragon/Murtagh," Paige pleaded.

"Fine then. We won't tell you," Ally replied mournfully.

Galbatorix, meanwhile, was calmly sitting in his throne room and calmly stapling reports from his spies into a book. Said book was aptly named, "The Book of Spies' Reports." Just then, more randomness happened. A clean-cut man with graying hair came in, pulled the stapler out of Galbatorix's hand, handed him a roll of tape, and stated, "Tape good. Staples bad. And don't even think about using glue." With that, the random man walked out of the throne room.

Galbatorix walked into the dungeons. He looked at the new arrivals.

"Murtagh, why are they here?" he shouted.

Murtagh shrugged.

"A shrug is not an answer!" Galbatorix shrieked.

"I have no idea," Murtagh corrected himself.

"There's a portal in our World Cultures class," Amy explained.

"A portal? Wow! That is so weird," Emily put in.

"It's like the sign!" Meg spoke up.

"Yeah," Tess added.

Mr. L rolled his eyes. "You what the sad thing about this whole thing is?" he asked Murtagh.

"What?" the rider inquired in a bored voice.

"This is our 'gifted' class. The applicant pool was a little shallow last year, and we got this class," Mr. L explained. "I mean, look at them. They're a freakshow."

"I noticed," Murtagh remarked.

"Yes, very good, Murtagh," Mr. L praised. Then he smacked his head. "Oh wait. You're a twenty year old man. You can't come to an all girls private school."

Galbatorix cleared his throat. Everyone turned and looked at him.

"Put them in the dungeons," he ordered Murtagh as he left the dungeons.

Murtagh muttered some random spell, and they all ended up in the dungeons.

"Now you're putting a man in the dungeon with me!" K'tanya shrieked. (Three guesses at the appropriate adverb to describe it.)

Mr. L just stared at her. "I am married with a baby. You're what, sixteen? My God, what is wrong with you?"

K'tanya was struck speechless. There's a first. Unfortunately, she regained her speech power.

"That's what they all say!" she exclaimed.

"More pain!" Mr. L proclaimed.

"Rhyming!" Ally yelled.

"Stop scaring the rider," Mr. L admonished. "See what I mean?" he asked Murtagh.

The rider nodded grimly. "I certainly do," he stated gravely.

"We need a plan!" Nicole yelled.

"I have a plan!" Amy shouted.

"Is this as bad as the plan to smuggle me to Greece and somehow keep my parents from noticing I'm not in the Philippines?" Nicole groaned.

"Oh no, this one's workable," Amy comforted.

"What's the plan?" everyone else inquired eagerly.

Amy reached into her pocket and pulled out a greasy black hair. Everyone looked at the thing with revulsion.

"Eww, what is that?" Emily shrieked.

"It's one of Galbatorix's hairs!" Amy explained.

Everyone looked at her, confused.

"Here's the plan: we clone him, and that clone can take us to the throne room. Once there, we kill the Mary Sue," Amy told them.

"You cannot kill me. I am the greatest warrior there ever was!" K'tanya shouted.

"Fine, you can go to the Varden with us," Amy conceded.

"I don't want you pity," K'tanya corrected.

"Oh, believe me, there's no pity there," Amy shook her head.

K'tanya scowled perfectly at her.

"That cannot work," Nicole stated glumly.

Emily spoke up. "Here's how we clone," she explained. She then went on a very long, intelligent, scientific tangent while making a very lifelike and good Galbatorix clone. At the end of this, she said, "And, oh, by the way, how many calories are there in water?"

Everyone, including Murtagh's, mouth dropped open.

"Is she smart or stupid?" he asked.

"Oh, she's smart," Ally explained. "She's just a little ditzy."

"Well, we might as well get to the Varden," Amy shouted.

"Matchmaking!" Abby yelled gleefully.

"I think we should do some counter-matchmaking," Ally muttered to Amy.

"Murtagh/Nasuada?" Amy asked.

"Totally," Ally answered.

Ohen rolled his eyes.

I have a feeling I should be doing something about this, but I just don't feel like it, the dragon remarked.

"Good dragon," Amy and Ally praised.

Ohen just groaned. Maybe his true rider would be at the Varden. He growled as K'tanya tried to touch his scales.

Andrea Harper: Thanks. Shazbat is a good substitute. That's not the word I really have trouble with, though.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: That would've been a good idea, but it would've been mentally scarring too.

Snowlia: We have to wear nametags too. It's really not that bad. Most teachers don't really care, but some are really strict. That teacher was the worst.

Wildbeauty: I am continuing.

Azulcat: Thanks. I hope this chapter kept you laughing.

Ebz: I like the Jim Morrison stuff I've heard. That's funny that she took away your detention. That happened to one of my guy friends in Middle School. This scary teacher forgot to give him the detention she said she was going to give him.

Meh: Thanks. I'll keep those things in mind for the Mary Sue.

Aneet: That would be realistic, but it wouldn't be funny. This is a bit of a crack fic. I'm trying to keep Galbatorix in character though, and that's why he locked them up. He would have probably tried to break their will if they hadn't escaped so soon.