Again, I can hardly express just how grateful I am to all those who have read this story so far - and especially to those who have responded in some form or fashion. I truly appreciate it.
Enjoy~
"Words made everything less safe, words had no limits, words made their own world."
Freedom: A novel - Jonathan Franzen
Maki couldn't choose how to walk with Nico, and felt like a child because of it. Whether she should walk just beside the idol, or instead a few paces behind like a shamed child following the principal to her office, or if perhaps she should walk in front of her, to deflect questioning glares and confused searching looks...it was all too much to consider. She cycled through all the options without order or reason, and in any one hallway she might be following Nico's small frame and having trouble tearing her eyes from the alluring way the girl moved, while down another she might whisper a charged plea to simply stop. This was a bad idea - a complete mistake, really - and she knew it from the moment the words left her lips that morning. What had started as a plan to keep an eye on the woman (so that she wouldn't try to escape again), and to let her channel that incessant impatience ended up being far, far more involved than Maki ever expected it to be.
"You already agreed to this, Doctor. You can't take your word back now. Would you want to disappoint someone who brings others so many smiles like I do?"
"That's not the point. This whole idea is stupid and dangerous, for both of us. I can't even imagine the kind of trouble I'll get into - even before the legal issues." Maki shook her head, as if to physically dispel the thoughts.
Nico stopped short in front of a closed wooden instead of answering her. "According to that list that Nozomi - "
"You're on a first name basis already? I need to speak to that woman."
"Gave me, this is the first patient we're going to see today."
"Let;s just get this over with, then." Maki breathed defeated, reaching for the door handle. She had a feeling that nothing she said would stop Nico from following her now. Wasting the energy she would need to keep the woman under control would be a mistake.
"Wait, wait!" Nico exclaimed as she wrapped her small, warm hand around Maki's wrist. The action froze the doctor mid knock. Nico's soft hand held more strength behind it than Maki had guessed it would, though she wasn't in pain. Finger marks like a red bracelet wrapped round her wrist for a moment after Nico let go. "How do I look?"
Maki pouted, but stood waiting. Nico twirled her body to the left and right a few times, before making one full turn. She stood with her hands on her hips expectantly. She wore a set of pink scrubs Maki pilfered from the supply closet, as well as a white lab coat. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, and all in all she looked to be just any other resident. There was a stethoscope hanging around her collar. This was the first real taste of Nico's idol skill Maki had; the speed in which she dressed, the small touches in the fall of the coat or crease in the collar, the light makeup she applied in mere seconds to replicate the look of a tired, overworked resident. It all came together in minutes and worked flawlessly. Every action of hers was practical and efficient, likely from the training she gained changing between songs at concerts. If Maki didn't know just who she was, she'd never give Nico a second look in the busy hospital hallways. The look didn't even manage to take away any of the charm or allure the idol seemed born to radiate like a beam from a lighthouse. She was just as cute as aver. A light blush painted Maki's face.
"It's a passable disguise. I just hope no one's looking for a missing lab coat or stethoscope."
"Passable?" Nico scoffed, "Please, Maki. You're about to see an idol in action. I won't even need to sing to make everyone one of our patients happy."
"We'll see." Maki challenged before knocking. She called out an "excuse me" and opened the door when she heard the patient call out "Come in, come in".
"Follow my lead." Maki whispered while they walked in. As he had been for his entire stay, Mr. Takumi lay in cloudy pain on the hospital bed in the back of the room. A clear I.V. bag continued to drip a light pain reliever into his bloodstream. The path of desert dry skin mottled with sores burned alarmingly red on his upper arm where the last time Maki checked it had been clear. She hoped this wasn't a sign that his Shingles had gotten worse elsewhere.
"Good morning, Mr. Takumi. This here is a resident, Ms..."
"Kagayaku*." Nico smiled brightly.
Maki resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Miss Kagayaku, who is working with me today."
"Hiya!" Nico greeted. "So what's wrong with you?"
If Maki hadn't heard it with her own ears she might not have thought that anyone would be dumb enough to say that to a patient. Not with Nico's excited, almost gleeful voice. She looked to Nico with pleading eyes, but the girl seemed intent on ignoring her. Maki pinched the bridge of her nose. This all felt like a nightmare she needed to wake up from. But instead of what she expected - a sharp reply, an outraged curse, anger and disbelief in one yell - the lively sound of a deep guffaw filled the small room. Maki glanced up at the man in her own brand of disbelief.
"What isn't wrong with me, little missy? Hahaha."
"He has Shingles." Maki turned to Nico, trying to warn the woman with the expression on her face. "And speaking of that, could I please see your rash?" she motioned for the man to lift his gown. Red, splotchy, stucco skin yelled at the two women. There was a stench coming from layers of ointment and dead skin, strata of medicine and disease. Thankfully, even with the spread to his arm, the rash on his torso appeared to be lessening some. Nico recoiled at the sight, and Maki again shot her a dirty look. A languid chuckle raised itself slowly out of the man's chest.
"I'm not sure if this profession is for you if this grosses you out." Mr. Takumi directed at Nico.
The barb revitalized the idol. She leaned forward to get a better look at how Mkaki was inspecting the sores. "I don't know, Mr. Takumi. It's hard to tell where the Shingles end and your gross old man skin begins." she prodded, smiling through her words.
There wasn't even a pause before the older man laughed again, but Maki's eyes bulged out of her head. She went entirely ignored by both Nico and the patient, who chuckled at one another like old buddies. Heat in Maki's throat smoldered with reprimands and insults, but she forced it down to burn in her stomach instead.
"This one's looking a bit better, Mr. Takumi." the doctor said. "Have the nurses helped you apply the ointment?"
"You bet. And it's a pain too." he laughed. "But if it helps, it helps."
Maki urged Nico up then, the grip on the girl's arm tighter than it should've been. "Then I'll be seeing you. Have a good day."
As the man settled down, avoiding his fiery rash like potholes, he waved at the girls. The squeak of shoes on the waxed floor while people passed them in the hall grated on Maki's nerves more than usual. The hospital was warm - very warm - a holdover from the long winter heating that was growing more unwelcome on days when the clammy breeze drew sweat from pores and the sun sent heat from behind constant rain clouds. Everything was getting under Maki's skin, though she had a feeling it all originated from one small package. Maki noticed Nico looking at her with nothing but expectation - expectation of praise, or of reprimands, or maybe something to do with the way her eyes flickered to the doctor's lips, drawn as if under a spell.
"Nico, I don't know how any of that worked out but please - please try not to say such stupid things to patients. What would've happened if he hadn't laughed?" Maki leaned into the girl, trapping her against the wail, but at that Nico raised up on her tiptoes and leaned just as harshly forward into the doctor's personal space. She grinned, a shark setting smelling blood. "Are you challenging me?"
"What? That's the exact opposite of what I'm doing. Don't be an idiot."
"Watch, Maki. You won't see a single patient wave goodbye to us today without a smile on their face."
And just like that she marched off to the next name on the list Nozomi had given her. To Maki's immense, almost disbelieving surprise, Nico managed to keep her word. They went from Mr. Takumi's to the room of Rin Hoshizora. The smile that was incessantly beaming from the patient seemed to have fled and her shoulders sagged low. Her eyes were glued to the phone in her hand, the light from which reflected coldly onto her normally warm face.
Maki knocked on the steel threshold of the door. "Hello, Ms. Hoshizora."
Rin didn't answer. She instead twisted her whole body to Maki. Her cast-covered arm and leg were motionless. The doctor shook off the cold atmosphere of the room and moved to Rin's bedside. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Nico scanning the room with a a kind of clinical analysis she didn't expect, though in Nico's defense the scanning was so subtle and quick Maki almost hadn't noticed it. On the chair beside Rin's bed was a cat plushie, and the girl's hoodie hung on a hook by the door. It had fake ears attached to the lime green hood, and a tail on the bottom that swung slightly in the cross-draft of the half opened window and the fully opened door.
"Are you feeling alright, Rin? Is it your arm? Your leg?"
Rin shook her head. "It's my...it's my..."
"Is it your kitty?" Nico asked. Rin nodded quickly.
"Y-yeah. My new kitty had to stay over night at the vets to have some tests run. I'm so scared. What if we can't keep it? What if it's sick?"
Maki watched Nico out of the corner of her eye. She hadn't mentioned anything before about Rin's cats, and she hadn't even introduced the 'resident' yet.
"Look on the bright side, Rin." Nico smiled wide enough for both girls. "Once these tests prove your cat is fine, she'll be there right when you get back home."
"But...but how will I know if it's fine? What if it isn't?"
"You just have to believe it is! All of these bad thoughts won't help at all. The more you believe, the more what you want will come true!"
Rin sniffled. Like a dimmer light her smile grew slowly brighter. "Yeah, I'll do that!"
"Ms. Kagayaku." Nico held out her hand. "Nice to meet you!"
That was how the rest of the first half of the day passed. Nico really did have some sort of gift for eliciting a smile, for summoning happiness from even the most morose of patients. A teenage boy slowly recovering from Melanoma found his grin when Nico talked with him about soccer. The young mother in 405, who recently found herself suffering fainting spells, smiled like a schoolgirl at Nico's stories about helping to raise her own siblings. Maki discovered something almost supernatural in the way Nico could pick out one item in a room, or one word falling off a patient's tongue, or one look in their eye and draw out the burning happiness in their hearts like an experienced camper starting a fire from a spark. This was the power of an idol - it almost worried the doctor to think about what it would take to do that to a concert hall full of people. The skill it would require to form many hearts into one, and then one heart into an inferno of bright, shining joy.
It was after a string of patients that the two stood in front of a beverage vending machine. The machine held all of the usual suspects: cans of coffee in strengths ranging from midnight to might-as-well-be-milk, various teas both sweetened and un-, and a collection of fruit juices made up the selection. A new initiative in the hospital had removed soda from the machines the year before, to ever decreasing complaints, which seemed to mean that the idea was working in the isolated world of the hospital. Maki bought cans of coffee for herself and Nico - a midnight and a milk respectively. They stood beside one another in front of the vending machine in a featureless corner of the floor.
"I almost hate to say it," Maki watched the foot traffic passing before her rather than look at Nico. "But you were right."
"Oh? Is the good doctor admitting defeat?"
"Defeat? I didn't even actually challenge - anyway, I wanted to show you something. As a...condition of my loss, I guess. D-don't make me regret it."
Maki informed Nozomi that she was taking her hour-long lunch break, and then she lead Nico into the elevator down to where the first floor PT wing was. They didn't say a word for the entirety of the elevator ride, though they didn't need to speak to communicate just what they were feeling at that moment. Maki, her face dusted with an unwanted blush, stood stiffly at a small distance from Nico; her eyes moved over to the girl in betrayal of the doctor's internal orders. She kept her hands clenched in her coat pockets. Every time Nico smirked her way, like a child who was told she could have one item in a toy store but planned to get two, Maki bristled.
They arrived at the first floor and without a word Maki lead Nico to a long hallway off of the PT wing and up to an unoccupied room near a window closing off the hallway. Both women stopped before the door that Maki opened. The floor of the room was covered with a thin, hard, and scratchy drab carpet like one might find in a church. Soundproofing materials insulated the walls, and on the outside these were covered by posters full of information on musical instruments and techniques. A collection of music stands, hardshell instrument cases, and related odds and ends were stacked against the wall. They held the distinct impression of disuse; a cover of dust lay over most of the items, while the wall behind was marked by the faint outline of unmoving objects the sun couldn't bleach. One high window let in the day's cool gray light and on the wall across from that was an old Casio keyboard on a stand. Its keys were scratched and smudged in a way that attested to loving use, though it, like everything else, appeared abandoned.
"This is the music therapy room." Maki introduced. "Or, it was. It's been some time since we've had the budget to keep it up and running. My father started the project after I proposed it when I was in high school." a dreamy look came upon her face. "I spent years in here helping patients learn to play the piano as an after-school volunteer job."
Nico gave Maki the first genuine smile she'd ever shared with the doctor. "That's actually really nice of you. I wouldn't have expected it."
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
But the smaller woman had already wandered into the room, and the doctor followed after. "Nothing, really. I'm just surprised you had the kind of patience it takes to help other people - in a non-medical sense, I mean."
"Anyway," Maki shook her head, scowling, and sat herself on the piano bench. The instrument before her was nearly as dear to her as the one in her apartment, though far less maintained. She ran a finger over the dusty plastic and sighed. The ending of the music therapy program never failed to fill her with an irritated sadness, a frustration budding on loss like a skinned knee after a lost race. She placed her hands on the home keys and her heart filled with memories of sick patients, sweltering afternoons, cacophonous music, and the strange happiness that formed in spite of all of that. "I thought I'd play something for you. To, you know, show my side of that argument we had yesterday." Maki scooted over on the bench. She kept her eyes from roaming by pouring over a dog-eared book of classical compositions.
"I wonder if that's the whole reason." Nico said as she slid next to Maki. Their sides, their thighs, were close enough to nearly touch. But in that infinitesimal space between them, barely tight enough for a breeze to pass through, such a strong desire to press herself against the woman swelled in Maki that the doctor adjusted herself, too theatrically, to create just one or two more inches of space between them - and only to prove that she could, that she had even that small amount of self control.
"What other reason could there be?" She frowned.
"Maybe you're rewarding me for a job well done." Nico tried, smirking. "Or maybe this is your way of flirting. Do you bring all of your cute patients down here, Dr. Nishikino?"
"Shut it." Maki ordered. Her expression was that of a thief caught red-handed. "Just listen. If you can't appreciate the genius of this song and smile, I see no reason to respect idols as true artists."
After allowing Nico to settle, and after warming up her own fingers for a moment, Maki launched into Beethoven's "Pathetique". Her fingers sought out each key like an arrow hitting its mark while she read over the notes. Though she was vaguely aware both of the sheet music and of Nico beside her, Maki retreated into herself as she often did while playing. The notes paraded before her eyes, the melody wound its way around her veins, the rhythm shaped her heart's, and the keys became her bones. The beautiful piece filled the room like sunlight, falling into corners and replacing the shadows in both the room and her heart with its very radiant existence.
But somewhere in the middle of the song shadows appeared to reclaim their lost domain. The silence beyond the music drained from the room, and even in her self-centered concentration Maki knew something was wrong. She couldn't recognize it at first, not until she felt weak tremors beside her. She slowed down and then stopped playing all together when the whole scene finally clicked in her head.
"Nico, are you crying?"
She sniffled. "No. No, I'm not." the girl argued. Her voice was heavy with tears, like she was struggling to speak past a stone in her throat. "I just - " she stopped speaking. Her head hung low, but her fists were clenched at her side. Maki stared at the girl in expectant patience, though not without a clammy sliver of anxiety. This was the last thing she expected Nico to do; complaining about how bored the music made her feel seemed far more likely.
"I've been talking about - about," Nico sniffled again. "Getting out of here and going back to being an idol. A-and how I want to bring people smiles again. But - " the girl still wouldn't allow herself to cry. Maki watched Nico bite the inside of her cheek and the doctor's heart filled with a kind of desperate helplessness it had never known before. "But they dropped me. 10 years, my first major issue, and they dropped me. I've been an idol since I was 17, Maki!" the girl in question was frozen in hesitation, a living block of ice. "It's like they were just waiting for an excuse! I...I just don't know what to do now, and I hate it. I hate that all of this happened."
In that moment Maki didn't know what to do either. The rest of the hospital around them might as well have vanished. Her beeper stayed quiet in her pocket, afraid to speak up, but the drumbeat of her heart was loud enough. With stiff limbs like an old tree struggling to bend in the wind, Maki wrapped an arm around the other girl and pulled her in close, tight to her chest. Nico laid her head on the doctor's shoulder and turned her face away. Maki held her head there lightly but firmly, and then wrapped her other arm around Nico's slender back. She didn't know what to say. She said nothing at all. The left shoulder of her lab coat was damp, but if Nico really was crying it was silently. Only the tremor of her petite body betrayed her. Whatever Maki had been attempting to prove with her music was lost to the fleeting moments of the past. But in the present, she found herself trying to forget that Nico was famous. That Nico was a patient.
"I'm not crying." Nico whispered harshly into Maki's shoulder. Time fell like the dust motes in the air of the forgotten music therapy room. Nico might've spoken moments into the embrace or minutes later. "Idol's don't cry. They smile, so that everyone else can too."
"You're not an idol anymore," Maki answered, but before her words could be misunderstood added, "You can cry all you need now. Let it all out. Don't hold it in, like an idiot."
The intimacy of the moment caught up to Maki slowly, like uneven packets of data coming through a bad connection. Her cheek was pressed closely against Nico's soft black hair; the way her sweet shampoo filled Maki's lungs was a precious kind of punishment. And in her arms Nico's body fit near perfectly. The smaller woman's worn-out, tired limbs still had the strength to embrace Maki in return, and clung as desperately as if the doctor was a true lifeline. Maki closed her eyes. She was glad she couldn't see Nico's face. Just the sight of those tear-ringed eyes and the alluring pout would have pushed her over the edge.
It was a bittersweet blessing when Nico's phone went off. Maki released the girl hastily and looked down to stare at the piano keys. She searched for answers in all of that binary black and white but found none - most questions in life were harder than a simple yes or no. And there was nothing simple about whatever it was that was happening between Nico and herself.
"That's my alarm to get ready for today's PT appointment." Nico pocketed her phone. A flower-bud smile bloomed on her face when she turned to Maki. "Guess I should go get changed."
"I hope you're doing just what Umi instructs, in and out of the treatments." Maki answered instead. She unsuccessfully hid her tomato-red face behind her tomato-red hair. The pout she wore was exaggerated and forced. "Regardless of what you do after you're - probably - released on Sunday, you're going to want your body to be in better shape."
Maki watched Nico's grin grow wider under her puffy eyes. Some traitorous part of the doctor's heart clenched. "Really worried about me, aren't you doc?"
"What are you trying to say? I'm just doing my job."
They stepped out of the door one after the other. For the second time, Maki didn't know what to say and so she opted for silence instead. She began to walk ahead to return to work, to put all of this behind her, until she heard Nico whisper "Thank you" under her breath. Maki didn't trust her own treasonous tongue to control itself, and gave a throaty "Hm" in response. She purposefully chose a different elevator than the one Nico stepped into, though they were headed to the same floor.
The doctor nearly turned on her heel when she reached the nurse's station on the fourth floor. Nozomi's mysterious sparkling eyes added to her knowing smirk as she sat like she was expecting Maki's still flushed face. Like she could hear her marching drum heart over the layered noise of the hospital's beeps and voices, shoe squeaks and flat-lines, crying children and alarms. Maki spied the pile of tarot cards the woman always carried under stacks of forms and files littering Nozomi's desk. A day didn't go by without Maki seeing Nozomi with that deceptively friendly grin convincing patients, visitors, nurses, and doctors to get a reading, and than a true, genuine smile as she used the results to help lead these people down new paths in life.
"Nozomi, I'm back from lunch." she tried to keep her voice even. She could feel her cheeks still burning, and knowing this only seemed to make the heat grow hotter in an embarrassingly noticeable loop.
"Got it. I know you couldn't check on Ruby Kurosawa earlier with your new "resident", but she's just got back from those tests you ordered. I put the results in the chart in her room."
"Thanks, I'll check it out later." she began to walk away.
"Wait, Maki," the doctor turned. "Would you like a reading?" Nozomi shuffled the deck in her hands without looking down.
"I've refused every time you've asked, Nozomi. Now's no different."
"There's a very special patient who has already made quite the difference."
"Nozomi - " she warned.
"Won't you try it just once? It was thanks to this that I ended up with my dear Eli."
"And what does any of that have to do with me? I'm not...looking for anyone."
"Because you've already found someone?" the woman bit her lip to try and contain her smirk.
"What are you trying to imply here, Toujo?"
"One card, Maki. One reading."
The doctor let out a loud sigh, but surprised even herself and finally gave in. It'd be better than having Nozomi bug her for the rest of the day. She ignored the fluttering of her heart, the almost child-like nervousness that reminded her of the hopeful apprehension she used to get when she pulled fortunes at shrines on New Year's Day. "Make it quick."
With a blinding grin Nozimi set up the cards, went through the proper motions, and eventually revealed the final card. Though Maki expected to see something like 'The Lovers' - a clear sign that Nozomi was messing around, the card she was shown instead was something she didn't know the meaning of.
"Oh, an upright 'Fool'. Very interesting, Maki"
"Are you calling me an idiot?"
"No, no." Nozomi chuckled. "It's just, this is quite the turn of events."
"I have a feeling you'd say that no matter what card you pulled." Maki crossed her arms.
"I'm not playing around, Maki. This one represents the beginning of a new journey. A chance at great personal growth. An experience you'll learn from - a fresh start you'll be open to despite yourself."
"Is that so?" she quirked a single eyebrow.
"Don't sound so disbelieving." the girl shuffled the tarot cards back into a plastic sleeve and pushed the deck into a pocket of her scrubs. "There are some things in life we simply can't explain."
"I'm going to go do my job. Which, by the way, is all about medical science that we can explain."
"Don't shy away from new opportunities!" Maki heard her call as she walked away. She avoided looking at her own reflection in the waxed floor on her path to see Ruby Kurosawa.
Later on, far into the night, Maki collapsed onto her love seat - the leather of which mumbled a protest in friction's voice. The rest of her apartment besides the living room was dark and quiet. On the coffee table lay cold, half-eaten leftovers. Though the doctor squeezed her eyes shut, sleep just wouldn't come. The day had been long, and that intimate moment somehow longer, as if the hourglass's sand fell in slow, single-grained motions rather than a river torrent. Nico filled every corner of her mind and Maki cursed her lack of self-control. Nico was famous, with all of the popularity and romantic options that entailed. Nico was a patient. And not only was Maki a doctor, she was her doctor. Her blood simmered. She was only hurting herself with these thoughts, and she knew it. Maki briefly looked to her phone on the coffee table and considered calling her close friend Kotori Minami - considered spilling everything that was weighing on her shoulders like the world, but this desire, and even her prickling frustration was overcome by bone deep exhaustion. Somehow, after years of training and a nearly a year on the job, the long, tiring hours still hit her like a truck. Her bed called to her, but her body didn't respond. On the couch Maki tossed and turned in restless sleep.
*Kagayaku (輝く): to shine, to glitter, to sparkle
Considering that the characters are speaking Japanese in the context of the fic, Maki's reaction is due to the on-the-nose-ness of Nico's choice of a fake name.
Thanks for reading!
Reviews, criticisms, and responses are all welcome!
