Title: Death Running Through Your Veins

Disclaimer: I own NCIS... Yeah right, would be nice if I could put that above my stories, don't you think?

Summary: Ziva has returned to NCIS and everything should be back to normal… The reality is that nothing is as it was.

Warnings: Deals with self harm/cutting.

Chapter four: Ziva's day

She woke up slowly when the sun came through the curtains, and the first thing she realized was that she had slept relatively well. Keeping her eyes closed she thought about it; she had been awake that night, woken up by her regular nightmares, but somehow she had been able to fall asleep again every time, which was very unusual.

Shaking off a little more of the sleepy feelings and opening her eyes, she noticed she was not in her own bedroom, not even in her own apartment. The seemingly always present panic started rising quickly. The sun so high up in the sky also meant she was late for work, something was definitely wrong. She was not supposed to be here. Suddenly she started laughing out loud over her own ridiculous thoughts, nothing was wrong, she had slept here before. And Gibbs meant safety not danger.

He had just been out of the room for a few minutes when he heard her laugh.
'What's so funny?' He leaned against the doorpost. It silently pleased him to see her laughing, she hadn't done that much the past year, why had he not realized that before?
'Nothing actually.' She sat up with a smile; slightly, but visibly, wincing when she put her weight upon one of her arms. He walked to the closet to find her a shirt to wear, as he had thrown out the bloodied shirt she had worn last night.
'Wear this. And come down for breakfast.' He walked away again.

After breakfast Gibbs drove them to the headquarters. She sat annoyed, but quietly in the passenger seat, knowing the real reason why he hadn't let her drive her own car there: now she was forced to go with him after work again. The shirt he had given her was quite big on her small frame, but she kept some spare clothing at work, so she would redress there.

When the elevator doors opened, she knew it immediately: today was going to be hard on her.
Tony already had that look in his eyes, he was in one of his bully moods. As if he could read her mind he started throwing little pieces of a old eraser to McGee.

Gibbs was already sitting at his desk, scolding at Tony to stop and brief him in on the case they had been working on, a marine killed over an USB with still unknown content. She slowly sat down behind her own desk, realizing she had nothing to tell Gibbs, she had not been able to do anything at all yesterday.

Her mood had been alright while at Gibbs' place and after arriving here it had still been reasonable, but now it came crashing down on her. Tears started to come up in her eyes and she angrily shook her head, no. Crying was ridiculous, he would not mind if she told him she had nothing… If only she could believe her own lies. She could feel Gibbs looking at her when she started open her mail and she was grateful that Ducky chose that moment to phone him down.

Why could she not focus? What was wrong with her… Ever since she left the hospital she had been fine, ignoring memories, not cutting at all. Until yesterday, for no clear reason. Her mind kept wandering off, while she answered a few emails and tried to ignore Tony who was making comments on her looks today.

'David! Got anything?' She jumped at the sound of his voice and his hands coming in contact with her desk. Shaking her head, she inwardly cursed herself and turned away from his face. She was such a disaster, in his worried eyes she only saw disappointment. She imagined it probably, but for a second his eyes were Saleems. His malicious grin, she had been useless, she was useless. That stare she deserved, she definitely was not worth anything. She would just need to cut, than everything would go away.

Looking around she saw everyone had left, they clearly had no need for her to be around. Fingering the knife she still kept in her desk drawer, she decided a few new cuts would not bring anymore harm to her and she slowly walked towards the toilettes.

While Ziva had kept turning her anger and frustration against herself, she had not noticed all of them simply leaving to interview their brought in suspect, as Ziva had not reacted to anything either of them had said.

Letting Tony start the interview, making the guy sweat a little, Gibbs just watched. He followed everything that was being said, but his mind still was with Ziva upstairs. He had already told her to leave, go home, twice, but she did not seem to register anything. His cell phone rang: Abby.

In her lab he absently listened to her rambling on about the computer stuff-like evidence finalizing their suspicions on their current suspect. He noticed McGee automatically translating the words he knew Gibbs would not understand, but he barely registered any of it. This was highly unusual for him as he normally always listened to Abby, she deserved that. He tried to focus on Abby, knowing that he must have missed something important as she was looking expectantly at him.
'Gibbs? Have you heard anything of what I just told you?' Shaking his head he told her to summarize her findings.

Although she was still agitated, she felt better when she sat behind her desk again. The bandages around her arms she removed, even though she had not made a single scratch there. She slightly regretted removing them, as it brought some comfort when moving her arms. But she also did not really mind the stinging sensation from yesterdays cuts.

She pulled up the case file again and started reading, it all seemed as if she saw this for the first time. Also she vaguely remembered Gibbs yelling that they had a suspect brought in. Slowly she started to notice something: with all the technical talk concerning the USB and plans for hacking an navy base computer system it was unlikely that their current suspect had done everything alone, as he had no real education or any interest in computers. He just wanted the information of the computers, but he could have never laid his hand on it alone, he could not have done this without help.

Ten minutes later she was in the observation room, watch Gibbs break the suspect, who gave up his partner just minutes later. She felt Tony walking up behind her.
'Didn't know your were still capable of doing anything except staring!' His mean, but to anyone else joking, voice whispered. She froze for a second, it was too much. Although the cutting released some of her stress and frustration, those feelings had not left her at all. Within a second he was on the floor, knife to his throat. Looking in her eyes, he knew his mistake and lay completely still, not daring to move.

He had heard the commotion, he immediately walking out of the interrogation, he already had his needed information. Seeing DiNozzo held down by her, made a little spark of humor appear in his eyes, although he realized Ziva was quite a danger when she looked the way she did now. When he took the knife from her, a single tear slid down her cheeks. Telling McGee and DiNozzo to wrap up the case, he took her home with him.