WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SHAMELESS COMEDIC RELIEF. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. ALSO EVERYBODY THANK RAPPY YO YO FOR INSPIRING ME TO UPDATE EARLY. DO IT.
Kakuzu sighed. Like usual, he was the first one awake. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, clearing them of last night's sleep. He was not looking forward to his mission today. He was to pose as Ume's bodyguard alongside Hidan, all while planning on how to slaughter all the guests. That part would be easy. The part that bothered him was Ume.
Every time he looked at her, he was reminded of his past as a Waterfall nin. He wasn't sorry for what he did, but it wasn't something he liked to think about. He shook his head. No, he needed to focus on the mission and not screwing it up. Closing his eyes, Kakuzu quickly made the seals for dog, boar, and ram.
"Transformation Jutsu!"
"Rise and shine, bitch!" Hidan shouted, yanking the covers off Ume. Somehow, she managed to keep hold on the edge of the blanket, fall to the floor, wrap herself back up, and roll under the bed.
"Hey, c'mon! Breakfast is gettin' cold!"
Ume shot up, hitting her head on the bottom of the bed. She groaned as she rolled out from underneath. Hidan laughed wildly.
"Hurry up and get dressed. Old man says we're leaving in twenty minutes," He called, walking out of her room.
The girl stood up, running her hands through her hair. There were several dresses in the wardrobe for her mission. She chose to wear a more comfortable grey one that fell to her mid thighs. It had slits up the sides to her waist, prompting her to put on a pair of tight black pants. She packed the rest of the clothes she would need into a bag, before she remembered reading that her fiancée would provide her clothes when she arrived.
Hidan and Kakuzu waited outside the hideout for Ume to join them.
"Ya know, this is the first time I've worn a shirt in a while," Hidan mused, adjusting the black tank top. He started to check the lead on his scythe for breaks.
"I don't care," Kakuzu growled. He brushed a stray lock of dark brown hair behind his ear, having discarded his hood for this mission.
"Oh gimme a break old man. Not to change the subject, but I think a certain purple haired kunoichi's got the hots for you,"
Kakuzu turned his head and looked back at Hidan. The glare that he shot over his shoulder could have melted metal.
"Shut. Up." He ground out through gritted teeth. Hidan knew his partner well enough to stop badgering him. Instead, he changed the subject.
"Well, well. Speak of the devil," The silver-haired man chuckled. Kakuzu turned around and his breath caught in his throat.
The woman standing in front of him couldn't be Ume. Her eyes were half closed, lashes accentuating her bright eyes. Her cheeks were tinged pink by blush and her lips were red.
Little did he know that he had a similar effect on her. His earlier transformation Jutsu had erased all traces of his stitches and scars.
"So," Hidan cleared his throat, "I guess we'll leave as soon as you two stop ogling each other?"
Kakuzu shot a glare at his partner.
"Our destination isn't too far away. If we take a shortcut through the forest, we should be there by nightfall," The older shinobi began to walk westward, toward a thick grove of trees. Hidan walked ahead, eager to get there. Ume began to follow, but Kakuzu stopped her. He sighed and turned away from her, crouching down.
"Climb on my back, it'll be quicker,"
Ume blushed very very red. Hesitantly, she obeyed, wrapping her arms around his neck. He grabbed her thighs and lifted her up, taking off for the forest. Hidan was already a ways ahead of them. Kakuzu leapt onto a large branch and hopped from tree to tree.
" 'Bout time you two showed up. I was beginning to worry," Hidan jested. Kakuzu pulled ahead, choosing not to acknowledge the Jashinist.
Ume looked back at the silver-haired man. He was smirking knowingly back at her; he raised a grey eyebrow. She stuck her tongue out at him. Resigning herself to being her fate, she placed her chin on Kakuzu's shoulder and sighed through her nose. Her warm breath brushed past his neck and ear, striking him at the base of his jaw. His shoulders tensed as her breaths continued to blow past his neck. Slowly, he relaxed his shoulders, becoming used to the sensation of warm air on his skin.
Hidan watched all of this from slightly behind. He was barely able to keep contain a fit of giggles. The urge to say, 'Looks like old man's gonna get some,' welled up in his throat, but he clenched his teeth together.
He really didn't feel like losing his head.
It was about an hour's worth of travel in when Kakuzu dropped down to the forest floor. He set Ume down and started walking. Hidan landed just behind them. Kakuzu explained that they were almost at the estate.
Ume soon grew bored with walking and stared at his back. She watched his long, dark brown hair sway slightly with each step, her eyes following its length down to his-
"Ume and Kakuzu sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N- Ow!" Hidan had whispered into Ume's ear before being punched with a steely limb. Kakuzu looked back, seeing a rather ticked off Ume and Hidan holding his nose. He ignored it and continued walking, desperately trying to push a thought to the back of his mind.
Ume was rather attractive when she was angry.
Ten minutes of walking later, they arrived at a massive wrought iron gate set into a stone wall.
"Who goes there?" A guard demanded.
"Kiku Nakono and her bodyguards," Hidan shouted up at him.
"Enter!"
There was a long, winding road up to the mansion. Hidan walked past Ume once they reached the doors. The two bodyguards each pushed one of the lavish wooden doors open, revealing an interior bedecked in gold and silver and frivolous ribbons.
"KIIIIIKUUUUU!"
"What the..." Was all Ume could manage before a skinny, long-haired man launched himself at her.
Just as she braced herself for the inevitable embrace, a brown blur passed in front of her, before a large crash caused cloud of dust to obscure her vision. She coughed lightly, waiting for it to clear. When the dust settled, she saw Kakuzu in front of her, standing in an open stance with his elbow out to the side. Looking in the direction of the crash, she saw a pretty man in tight white clothing that left nothing to the imagination laying in the wreckage of a mahogany desk.
"My apologies, force of habit you know," Kakuzu explained, standing upright and crossing his arms. He looked at Hidan, who was watching him with a shit-eating grin.
"What?" He whispered.
"Oh, nothing," Was the response.
"Ah Y-yes, haha, it's quite alright! I'll only have the best men protecting my darling Kiku!" The pretty man stood, dusting himself off. He bowed low and extravagantly. A crowd of dancers and performers suddenly appeared, twirling around through the foyer.
"I!" The pretty man shouted, him and every performer striking a pose with each word.
"Am!"
"Shou! Saburo! Noburu! Ryouta!" He finished in an admittedly lovely arabesque pose.
The three shinobi gave him a deadpan expression as a breeze from nowhere blew past.
"Well! I must be on my way you know, preparations and all that. Why don't you and your guards take a walk in the garden in the meantime, hmm?" And with that, Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta pranced off, but not before pointing the very confused nin in the direction of the garden.
"So," Hidan asked, arms behind his head as they walked through the beautiful garden, "What do you think of your fiancee?"
"He's... pretty?" Ume answered, recalling his long, sparkly blonde hair and girlish figure. A little voice in her head reminded her that Kakuzu also had long hair. She quieted it by asserting that he made it look manly and attractive.
"He's wasteful," Kakuzu snarled.
Hidan began to retort that he was just jealous when he heard a tell-tale whistle.
"Look out!" Kakuzu barked, grabbing Ume and taking cover behind a tree. Hidan pulled out his scythe and twirled it, deflecting several kunai and shuriken.
Ume's breaths came in ragged gasps.
"Are you alright?"
She looked up at the sound of Kakuzu's rough voice, realizing that she was pressed against him, chest to chest. She tried to form a response, though his piercing eyes made it difficult to think. He tilted his head, and so did she. His eyes were half closed with desire. He looked at her lips and leaned down slowly. She closed her eyes in anticipation. They were a handbreadth away, then an inch, then just a hair.
An explosion interrupted them. Ume pulled away, looking over at a panting Hidan. She ran to him, unaware of a salacious gaze following her.
"Your men failed!" Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta slammed his hands on the beechwood desk.
"Relax, Mister Ryouta," A raspy, high-pitched voice soothed, "We'll get her. My men are simply the best!" The speaker leaned forward, revealing himself to be a pink-skinned man. He batted his long eyelashes, which obscured green eyes. He flicked his ponytail over his shoulder as he discussed the best way to kill Kiku Nakono.
"Oh my goodness, did you see that?" A perky, red-headed maid whispered to her bespectacled friend.
"No, what happened?" She replied.
The red-headed maid pulled her into a supply closet and started to elaborate.
"Mistress Kiku was walking in the garden when suddenly her bodyguard yanked her aside and nearly kissed her! Oh, can you imagine his pain?" She clasped her hands and closed her eyes, smiling warmly, "Having spent years protecting this woman, he fell in love. When she returned his feelings, his warm strong arms wrapped around her, drawing her to his chest. He leaned down to feel her soft lips against his own, yet fate would not let it be. And now she'll be torn away from him, leaving him an empty husk of a man!"
Her near-sighted friend stared at her intensely, hanging onto every descriptive word even as blood flowed out of her nose.
"What a lucky woman," She began, holding a cloth to her nose, "To have such a muscular man protecting her, not to mention his gorgeous, flowing, ash brown locks,"
"Speak for yourself! Her other bodyguard is the pinnacle of a man! Did you see how masterfully he protected his mistress with his scythe? And his hair silvery hair and purple eyes! Oh my, I've got a nosebleed!" The red-headed maid exclaimed.
"Wanna borrow my handkerchief, Sumiko?"
(Night)
Kakuzu and Hidan had been given the room across from Ume's. The older Akatsuki laid down facing the wall, unable to get today's events out of his head. He had almost kissed her. Why? What possessed him to do that? What if someone had seen? Their cover would be blown! But, he realized, he didn't regret it. The memory of how she leaned into him and closed her eyes, waiting for him.
"So. You and Ume, huh?"
"One more word and I'll rip out your tongue."
AN: Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta.
The next chapter or two is going to be more shameless romantic comedic relief, as well as some KakuzUme moments mixed in.
