Tonopah
May 12, About 10 pm or so

Once they were outside and started walking a few feet from the rooms, Sam spoke again, still softly, but more of a normal soft, "do you do this a lot? Take walks in the middle of the night?"

"Yeah, Alex and Kris seem to fall asleep so quick and easy, and I can spend literally all night tossing and turning without getting a wink of sleep. So I started trying to get up and do something whenever I hit a point in trying to sleep where I start to feel like the process of trying to sleep is actually keeping me awake." She laughed slightly, realizing that probably sounded a little confusing. Her sisters didn't seem to have the insomnia issues Nic had.

"Does it work? Cause I sometimes have the same problem." Sam asked as they reached the side walk and began walking along the side of the road. The motel was just a couple blocks from the main road in downtown. It was still actually reasonably early, around 10 pm, so there was still activity in the bar further down the street.

"Yeah, usually. There are always those times where nothing works, but usually. I guess I'm not surprised I can't sleep right now though. I'm usually not one to sleep before midnight, so." She tugged at one of the strings on the sweat shirt, a bit absently.

"I'm gonna guess that Alex, Kris, and Nic might be short for something else, or is that it?" He looked down at her, moving at the mild pace she was setting, keeping step with her.

"Yeah, Alexandria, Kristianna, and Nicollette. Our dad always just called us Alex, Kris, and Nic. I think he always wanted a son, instead he got us girls." She shrugged, not bothered by it. She knew her dad loved her and her sisters with everything he was, but once she hit her teens she did get the impression he sort of wished he'd had a boy, too. And that may have been the plan, to try one more time for a boy after Kris, but as fate would have it, that would never happen.

"Nicollette, that's pretty." Sam glanced from her to the ground and kicked a pebble with his toe, then looked back at her without missing a step.

"Yeah, it is. No one's called me that in ages though. I'm Nicki sometimes, but," Nic shrugged softly as she tucked her hands into the sleeves and she brought one to her face and breathed in. Even though it had been years and many washings since her father last wore it, and she knew in her head that there couldn't be any lingering smell anymore, no matter what, when she sniffed that sweatshirt, it always smelled like her father. Sam seemed to notice the action and looked at her a little questioningly. She took a moment to breathe before explaining it. "It was our dad's. He died a few years ago. I know there can't really be anything of his scent left in it, but I still smell it. I think Alex does too, which is why I only get to wear it when she's not. She kind of monopolizes it. I'm not sure Kris ever wears it at all."

"Sorry, we lost our mom when we were really young. Dean wasn't even in school yet, and I was a baby. Sometimes it actually scares me that I have to think about what my mom looked like. That it's not just an instant image in my mind." Sam admitted, speaking easily to Nic.

"Really? Us too." Nic said, looking up at Sam. "That's weird."

"You did? When?" Sam was surprised, and sad at the same time, realizing that that meant that the girls had no parents left. He wondered if they had other family, or what, but didn't ask any of that.

"Kris, like you, was just a baby. She's said just about the same thing you did. It is scary. Even Alex, she was only about two and a half. I can't imagine what it's like for them, struggling to even recall our mom's face sometimes. When Alex gets mad at me she always likes to throw that one at me, because she knows it'll stop me dead in my tracks. Kris used it once I think, long time ago, but not in ages. Even though it's not like I can do anything to change it, I still sometimes feel somehow guilty that I got nearly eleven years with our mom, and they got next to nothing. Alex wasn't really old enough to retain a lot of memories, just impressions, Krissie doesn't even have that." Nic was now staring at the street off in the distance where there was a neon light on that read, 'Coors', in the window of a bar.

Sam didn't respond right away, he was processing what she said. He'd actually tossed that one at Dean once himself, and now he wondered if his brother felt the way Nic did. He wondered if Dean felt guilty that he got more time with their mother. Sam hoped not, knowing he'd probably never actually discuss it with his brother. Dean usually changed the subject when conversations started to get into emotionally laced territory. He was about to say something when he then realized that he actually didn't know what to say to that. He looked at Nic, the loss of words apparent. She just shrugged and gave him a sort of crooked half smile.

"It's a weird life, never knowing one of your parents. My dad was never the same either, or so I hear. I never knew him any other way." Sam looked up to noticed a couple walking toward them, looking perhaps slightly intoxicated, probably walking home from one of the bars. The pair smiled at Sam and Nic, and Sam smiled back slightly and stepped in behind Nic so the two could pass them. As he did, he put his hands on her shoulders, mostly to keep himself from running into her. When the couple was behind them, he moved back next to her, letting the hand that had been on her far shoulder slide across her back before falling from her and back at his side.

Sam wasn't always so immediately 'touchy' with a person, but Nic, Alex, and Kris from the start had given him this odd vibe of kindred spirits, and now he really felt like that was perhaps so. She shoved her hands in the front pocket of the sweatshirt and spoke again, "My dad was definitely different after my mom died. He was suddenly left alone to raise three girls. One that was just a toddler and one a baby. For a good month after Alex would just scream the whole night through. Dad did what he could to try and soothe her, but for a while she really was pretty inconsolable. And usually her screaming would get Kris crying. Which I think is what in the long run lead to my dad treating them special, Alex especially. Anything they wanted, he gave them, though Kris has always been less demanding. I think it was his way of trying to make up for them not having Mom."

Sam nodded, as she seemed to glance across the street. He just followed her, letting her lead them over to the other side and then begin walking back the direction they came, but on the opposite side of the street. "What about you? I remember dad saying that I cried too for a while, and Dean was the opposite, he stopped speaking almost entirely for like weeks or something."

"I didn't stop talking or anything, but I guess I was quieter than before. Although it may have just been I didn't really have anyone to talk to. I didn't have a lot of friends, and the few I did seemed uncomfortable with the whole subject. And my father was so busy trying to help Alex and Kris, I think he assumed because I was older and I wasn't spending my nights screaming and crying, that I had everything sorted. Obviously he didn't quite get the mind of the eleven year old girl, but that's okay. He did the best he could." Nic smiled, though her voice was clearly somber.

"How did she die? If I can ask." Sam realized her next question might be to ask the same thing of him, but he didn't have to lie, he could just not tell the whole truth.

"It was a freak attack, in our house. She was beaten up." Nic didn't elaborate any further than that, it wasn't really a path she felt like treading right now. "Your mom?"

"A fire. Half our house burnt." It was true, just not the elaborate truth. Which was good, because Sam didn't think he'd be comfortable out right lying to Nic right now. He almost wanted to tell her the whole truth, but he knew he couldn't. He wished he could explain it to someone. Someone other than Dean. Hell, he usually couldn't even explain it to Dean. It was on that list of conversations Dean refused to have with him, or anyone else. But it felt good to say what he could, to share his pain with someone, someone who understood it.

Neither of them said anything else for about a block, just walking in comfortable silence with each other. Their arms brushed every few steps, but they otherwise were in their own momentary bubbles.

It was Sam who spoke first, altering the subject a little, "so is there a bigger purpose or reason behind this road trip. Seeing as it sounded like it wasn't originally supposed to be something you all were going to do together."

"It was something I'd decided I wanted," she paused and altered her words, "needed to do after my dad died. But I knew then that I couldn't do it right away. It wasn't until Alex graduated and was, well in my plan she was going to go to college, and I was going to take off. Kris was almost finished with school so I could kind of let Alex look after her. But they both seemed determined to come. And I guess like my dad, I have trouble denying them anything. Especially when Alex goes as far as to plan how it'll work so well for them to come. Along the way it sort of turned into a journey for all of us, as sisters. Not just our own personal journeys."

"Dean sort of forced me into this little road trip. He said he needed me to come, I tried resisting, but Dean can pretty stubborn and persistant. With him it's less that I can't deny him anything, so much as he won't let me deny him anything." Sam actually laughed and smiled at that, and glanced at Nic as she smiled and let a little giggle float his way.

"So is this a trip for something? It sounded like this was what put law school on hold for you. It must have been important for you to put something like that off." Nic asked, a cautious tone in her voice. She felt the vibe too, sort of kindred spirits, it was easy talking to Sam, but she was still aware of the fact that people had personal boundaries. And they were definitely already pushing those tonight.

"Yeah, well, ever since my mom, my father's been on a sort of one man crusade. Well, until Dean joined him, and then it became a two man crusade. Our dad kind of dropped off the radar though a few months ago, and Dean needed me to come help him track him down. We've gotten a few clues from him since, but I don't know. It's weird. Sometimes I think he's fine and just so wrapped up in something he can't be bothered to call and talk to us like a normal father, and other times I think maybe he's dropped dead somewhere. Some days I just really want to go back to my life. But I know I can't now." Sam was pretty sure he wasn't making sense anymore, but Nic was nodding anyway. Even if she didn't get it, it was nice for someone to just listen.

Nic was starting to think this was actually sounding eerily familiar. It was like a page out of her family. "That's weird. My dad kind of did that too, just threw himself into working, it was actually what killed him, in a way. And what altered my life plans and goals completely. I was graduating Berkeley soon with a degree in psychology, I was applying to go to Yale. They had this amazing Biology program that was offering a full scholarship to grad school. But when my dad died, I couldn't just leave. My dad was an only child and his parents died when I was little. My mom's parents disowned my sisters and I after our mom died, thinking my dad was insane. And my mom's sister and her were never close, she lives in like Spain or someplace, and the last time I even heard from her was when she turned up at our house two weeks after my mom died to claim half my mother's belongings. I barely even know any of them. So, I suddenly, at 21, became my sisters' legal guardian. Which meant no Yale grad school, no living on my own, being my own person, like all those other college kids. And most of all, no Dad to come home to."

"You sound a little wistful, but not really upset though, about the college thing." Sam observed that while she looked a little like she missed what may have been, she wasn't too bothered by what wound up either.

"Well, I wound up doing graduate studies at Berkeley, in a pretty amazing program. And while I wound up having to get a job to help pay for it and everything else, it was it's own experience. Are you upset that you aren't going to law school right now?" They had come back to where their motel was, but neither made a move to cross the street. Then Sam moved a few steps and sat down on a bench next to a bus stop. In a town like this, he doubted buses ran after about 8pm.

"A little, sometimes. I don't know. Maybe upset isn't the right feeling, maybe frustrated. I was ready to go back. Dean was gonna let it go after a couple days. But when I got back home... I was going to Stanford, my girlfriend, Jessica..." Sam's voice began to catch and then trailed off a moment. He then gathered himself again, "right after I got back, before Dean was even gone down the road, there was a fire. Jessica died, it just brought everything back from my mom and growing up in the wake of that."

Sam struggled to keep himself all together when Nic sat down on the bench next to him. She put a hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze and then gently rubbing her hand back and forth over his shoulder. He looked at her and tried to smile, hoping she wouldn't take her hand away just yet. It was nice to be touched again. It seemed like it had been a while. Nic got a sense now that there was a missing piece to the whole story, but didn't ask him for it. She hadn't told him her whole detailed story, he didn't have to tell her his. He clearly needed a friend right now, maybe one who could provide a better shoulder on which to cry than his brother could. Dean hadn't seemed the type to handle people crying on his shoulder, even his brother. Nic scooted in a little closer to Sam, and stretched her arm over his shoulders a little more and let her finger tips slide back and forth on his back.

Sam watched her as she moved closer to him. He got the sense she wasn't actually very used to this, but he was grateful for her effort. She was cautious and gentle, he let his head fall to rest on her shoulder, and reached his arms easily around, hugging her. Sam felt the little intake of air she made when he hugged her. She hadn't expected him to just fall into her like that. The only people Nic had really, honestly hugged in a couple years were Kris and Alex. Even then, that was usually a very quick little hug that followed a good fight, the kind that actually required them to talk about it a little and apologize from the heart, or when one of them was just really down and out. Sam considered for a moment pulling back right away, but she seemed to relax after the initial surprise. And between the swirling of things in his head and the cold of the night, he really liked the comforting, warm body against him. After a minute she let her other hand reach up and wrap around his shoulder, and let her cheek settle against his head.

They sat like that for a while, Sam shifted when he realized he was actually about to fall asleep there. He'd gotten so comfortable, snuggled up to her, he really could have fallen asleep. Nic, while comfortable, was no where near about ready to fall asleep. She'd been watching as small groups of people came and went from the bar down the way, and smiled at a couple people who had passed by. Nic pulled back a little when Sam shifted. "Thanks, a lot. I think I really needed that. I think I might actually be ready to sleep now." He smiled warmly at her, one hand pulled back to his side, but his left hand, which was on her side, remained resting gently on her lower back.

Nic pulled her arms back and stood up, "no problem. It was nice for me too. I haven't sat like that with anyone in... well, I can't remember. Alex, Kris, and I used to sit up together sometimes, but somewhere around the time Dad died, that sort of ended, and I don't really know why."

Sam wanted to say that if she ever needed, or wanted to again, all she had to do was let him know. But then he realized that she and her sisters might be about to walk out of his life tomorrow. "It's a good thing to do sometimes. Otherwise you end up all cold and unable to feel and express emotions, like Dean." He cracked a little smiled at her, and she smiled back at him.

"You might be right," They crossed the street and walked back toward the room. Sam kept his hand on her back the whole time, wishing there was some way to make the girls stay another day, or two, or more.

They entered the room, it had been about an hour and a half since they left, Dean, Kris, and Alex were all still sound asleep. Sam and Nic pulled off their shoes and Sam dropped his coat back on the chair while Nic put the sweatshirt back in the heap where Alex had left it. Part of Sam wanted to shove Dean out of the bed and ask Nic to just curl up with him, so he could sleep a little easier. But he knew that was totally out of the question. Nic gave him a little smile before she slipped into bed and turned over, away from him. He got into bed and looked at the window again, hugging his pillow, and managed to drift off to sleep after not too long.