Story
Author's Note:
Hi. Bye.
Tonight, Antonio Hernandez Carriedo is going down. Of course, he was always the type that was supposed to go down- but I'm just speeding up the process. Really, though, I'm doing him a huge favor. He was too retarded to live in this scary dog-eat-dog world. By killing him today, I am saving him from tomorrow.
Not that I'm actually doing this for his good. I'm doing this for my good- got it? I tend to do stuff that benefits only me. Or maybe my brother if I'm feeling very generous- which of course, I always am. I may not seem like a saint, but I'm much better than that potato-eating bitch he always hangs out with. But then again, he's my brother. So it would be very wrong if I said that I was the perfect girl for him.
Ew. Just thinking about incest makes me want to vomit up that awesome tomato I crammed down my mouth. But if I puke up that tomato, what's going to be in my stomach? If my stomach's empty, I'd be hungry! And I can't be hungry! If I'm hungry, I'm gonna be so fucking pissed! I-I-I'll make a hit on Antonio! That's what I'll do! Yeah! That's it! After all, thinking about making a hit on him lead to thoughts about me puking- so really, me getting an empty stomach's all his fault!
But whoa, wait a minute- serious logic fail here. I already did make a hit on him! So how do I make a hit on him again? Dammit, this is too confusing! I'm working too hard. I'm gonna take a three hour break. Yeah, that'll get me ready to kill Antonio. Mhm.
I take a look at the damn plastic baby I threw on my bed. I snort when I realize that I'm actually doing more work than that bastard Antonio. Just like always. Ha. Who said males were more useful than females? If you take a look at me and Antonio, I'm pretty sure you'd change your mind. After all, that damn bastard's useless without me.
Or maybe…horror grips me when I realize that it's actually the other way around- no! I can't think like that! Dammit, break time is over! Now I'm really gonna kill that tomato bastard for making me think unorthodox thoughts!
Throwing on my coat and snatching the baby by its foot, I storm out of my room. During the way, I hear Feliciano ask if I'm going to see Antonio again.
"Shut the hell up! I'll see him when you're not seeing that potato bastard!" I holler at him.
Feliciano pops his head out of his room. His light auburn hair turns all shiny and glossy in the light- which, in turn, makes me fucking jealous. I'm not saying that my hair's ugly- it's actually really pretty! Wavy, dark brown, fluffy- girls would kill to have my hair! I swear, they would! Antonio said so- no wait, dammit, he's my enemy! I can't trust what the enemy says- CHIGI!
Forget it. Just…forget it all, 'kay? You better, or I'm gonna freaking kill you.
With a shit-eating smile smeared over his face, my annoying little brother responds, "But I'm not seeing Louise right now! So you are seeing Antonio!
"Look at you! You're being rude to your elder! Dammit, don't give me sass! I've lived on this earth longer than you! I deserve respect!" I shout.
If the baby was real, then its foot would've lost all signs of circulation by now. My hands are to blame.
"Sis, you're scary! If you want respect for that, I'll definitely respect you!"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
"Oh no, you're parodying the four Anime Tsunderes of the world! Please don't! Their high-pitched voices are worse than mine!"
I stop to think about it for a second. Yeah. I'll give Feliciano that one. His voice suggests that he never hit puberty. If there's anything more annoying than his ridiculous squeal of a voice, it's that pink-haired bitch from that Harry Potter-look-a-like anime that keeps on whipping that poor bastard every five seconds.
This is a typical scene from that goddamn horrible show:
Annoying Pink Haired Bitch: I have a flat chest!
Poor Bastard from Japan: I agree.
Annoying Pink Haired Bitch: (takes out a whip) SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! (flays the skin off the Poor Bastard from Japan)
Poor Bastard from Japan: OWWW, what the hell did I do?
Annoying Pink Haired Bitch: Nothing, really. I just have to prove to the viewers that I'm a strong female character by abusing you every time you say something remotely offensive. Everyone knows that a true woman is ridiculously aggressive! And also, this is a sign that I'm obviously in love with you. No romance is interesting without a feisty heroine. So, anyways, where were we?
Poor Bastard from Japan: Ummm, you were just whipping the shit out of me. You're kidding, right? You're not really going to-
Annoying Pink Haired Bitch: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
That is literally what happens every episode. Not that I don't do the same…ah, whatever. I have justified reasons.
Lovina Vargas's Proof of Why She's Allowed to Beat Antonio Up:
Given: Antonio is stupid, Antonio is creepy, and Antonio used to beat me up when I was a kid.
Prove: I'm allowed to beat Antonio up.
Statement One: Antonio is stupid, Antonio is creepy. Reason One: Given.
Statement Two: Stupid people get killed easily anyways. Reason Two: The Slapstick Theorem.
Statement Three: Antonio will die anyways. Reason Three: The Definition of a Human.
Statement Four: Antonio is a pedophile. Reason Four: Why You Shouldn't Hang Around Little Kids So Much Postulate.
Statement Five: Antonio used to beat me up when I was a kid. Reason Five: Given
Statement Six: In order to beat me up, he has to have spent time with me. Reason Six: The Obvious Property of Common Sense.
Statement Seven: I'm allowed to beat Antonio up. Reason Seven: The Definition of Being Too Lazy to Finish Proofs.
And that is why.
I ignore Feliciano as I quickly walk out of the house and trudge towards Antonio's. On the way, I see Hera Karpusi taking a nap on the sidewalk. A coat's thrown over her as a makeshift blanket. About half her face is wrapped up in bloodied bandages. What the hell happened to her?
"Hey, Sleeping Ugly! What happened to you?" I call out.
Something moves from next to her. What I previously thought was a pile of blankets turned out to be that Asian kid, Kiku Honda. Ooh, this should be good.
"Excuse me, Lovina, for any inconveniences. Hera said that this was a good place to nap."
"Good place to nap? You're kidding me, right? It's a great place to get robbed! Sleeping out in the open- what are you? Crazy?"
"If you want to shout, fine by me. But just tone it down please…I was having a beautiful dream about cats." Hera's voice floats out. She rolls over a little, reaching for Kiku's hand.
Kiku turns red for a bit. He looks embarrassed. This probably goes against some Japanese etiquette thing. Damn, I am so tempted to ask him if he goes by the bushido or something. Or better yet…
"Hey, Kiku, you own a wazikashi or a sai sword?" I ask. Hahaha! That was so witty!
Kiku stares at me like I'm stupid- which I most definitely am not. Then he replies in a calm, even voice.
"I'm afraid that wazikashis are better for dual wielding, which I unfortunately don't do. Dual wielding is rather useless, despite how American movies make it out to be. And I do not use sai swords. If this is supposed to be a crack about Japanese samurais, then you did your research wrong. Sai swords are formerly tools used for plowing. Only peasants and farmers use them as improvisational weapons." He paused for a bit. There's a slight gleam in his usually emotionless eyes.
"Katanas are much better. They are the signature weapon, the ultimate weapon to have. Have you not watched enough American movies about the way of the samurai?"
Damn. I just got owned. My face slowly gets red, much to my chagrin. With a huff, I ignore the damn bastards and resume my rampage to Antonio's house.
By the time I reach the fucking green door, I'm ready to rip apart everything. My hands bang on the door in an attempt to break it open. After the second try, however, I quickly retreat. My hands sting with pain.
"Hey! Bastard! Open up already!" I holler. Dammit, that stupid, insensitive bastard! Doesn't he know better than to keep a girl waiting?
The door swings open. The enemy is approaching. I resume a fighting stance to fend him off.
A mess of brown hair. Shining eyes the color of dewy grass. Tanned skin. Rock-hard muscles. A grin that threatens to cancel out the rest of his face.
Oho. That's the enemy. I'm going to take the bastard down!
"YAARGH!" I charge at him.
Sadly, though, I'm knocked down by Antonio's special move: The Glomp. It's a one-hit KO. Already, in two seconds, the bastard manages to hold me in some kind of swastika grip, finished off by trying to squeeze me to death.
"Let. Go." I slowly grind out between clenched teeth.
"And watch you pathetically trying to kill me? Ah, nuh-uh." He responds. He accompanies the reply with laughter.
"And you brought our love-child with you? Goodness, Lovi, you wanna get together that bad? We're still in high school, you know. You should get into a college first, before you come running to me."
Damn. Damndamndamn. Damn. Stupid bastard. He has the nerve to joke around while pinning down his would-be assassin? As soon as I'm free, I am so taking him down.
