A/N: Thank you guys for sticking in there with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Song Suggestion: "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars
~I don't love you, but I always will~
I realized that I loved Brittany when I was thirteen. I'd just gotten a concussion from falling off my bike and Brittany insisted that she take care of me for the rest of that summer. It was stupid, and she made me wear this pink helmet every time we did anything even remotely dangerous. I dealt with the older kids calling me a retard when I walked by with that stupid helmet on my head because the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt Brittany. I felt ridiculous and self-conscious but I kept wearing it whenever she asked me to because I wanted to make her feel happy, I wanted to show her that she could always trust me, she could always look to me if she needed anything. She even started wearing her own helmet towards the end of the summer just so I didn't have a choice in taking mine off whenever I felt overwhelmed.
I decided that summer that I loved Brittany, but that love wasn't as special as I thought it was, because I loved my parents, I loved Fran, I loved Quinn, I even loved Izzy, so what was the difference? Love was just something you felt, just like when someone smacks you, that pain is something you feel.
I don't know if my love for anyone changed over time. I didn't realize that it had to. I never understood why saying I love you to someone meant this whole big show, this whole big wreak. So I never told anyone I loved them, I never dared to.
"Are you sure it's okay if I go to the game with you? Seriously people will talk and it won't look good for you." I glanced over at Rachel sitting in the passenger's seat. She looked nervous. She'd told me that this was the first time that she'd been to a football game since freshman year. She didn't explain what happened at the game, but apparently it scared her enough for her to stop going to sports events altogether.
"Look, we're already on our way. We're going to the game, and I don't care who sees me hanging out with you. I don't want to watch alone and neither do you." Rachel wiped a tear from her eye before it could mess up her war paint under her eyes. For someone who hadn't been to a football game in awhile, she sure knew how to be spirited.
I had on Brittany's McKinley High cheerleading shirt on. I was happy that it was still warm enough to wear short sleeves so I could show off the shirt to everyone who would be sure to be around. When we arrived, there were hoards of cars in the parking lots. So many people that I had to park on the street. Rachel and I got out of the car and headed over towards the bleachers. The game was just about to start and I was going to see if Rachel and I could get a spot against the fence in the student section, but I was blindsided by thin arms wrapped around my waist. I looked down and saw Izzy.
"Hey Iz." I said looking up towards the stands spotting Mr. Pierce who gave me a wave. He was about to walk down and tell me something, but the bleachers were too crowded so he just shouted instead.
"Izzy wants to go in the student section but she's too afraid. Can you take her?" I gave him a thumbs up and he responded with a thank you before he returned to his conversation with another parent.
"San, thank God you're here." Izzy said grabbing onto my hand. "Hi." She waved to Rachel who gave her a warm smile.
"Okay come on." We headed towards the student section which looked to be completely filled. I didn't know if we'd be able to squeeze in up front and I was a little worried. The last thing I wanted to do was be forced to watch the actual game, I was only here to support Quinn and Brittany.
"Hey can we squeeze in up here?" I asked Mark Fitzgerald. He was a nice enough guy, sort of full of himself at times, but like anyone else at the school he assumed that because I hung out with Brittany and Quinn I was also popular. He told some freshman guys to go to the top of the bleachers to make room for Rachel, Izzy and me. "Thanks." We got the perfect spot, the cheerleaders were right in front of us, and Quinn gave me the biggest smile when she saw me and I smiled back.
"Is that Puck's girl?" Someone next to Mark asked him, I knew they were talking about me, and I tensed up.
"Yea." Mark responded nonchalantly like it was common knowledge. Now I truly understood how people with over possessive partners felt like. I felt dirty, I felt used, and nothing had even happened yet. I didn't want to belong to anyone. I didn't want to be owned.
"Excuse you, Santana doesn't belong to anyone." Izzy told the guy. She looked up at me. "Right?"
"Right." I confirmed. I could feel Rachel's eyes on me, but I looked down at the wire fencing in front of me. Right? I was my own person, and I never wanted to be owned. I needed my emotions to be mine, that's the only thing that's keeping me from breaking. Before I knew it halftime was here. Rachel and Izzy had apparently hit it off just in two quarters so they were headed to the concession stand, the students were sitting down, talking and laughing, and I felt like I was completely isolated. The marching band was taking the field and I was going to see if I could get a seat and rest my feet when someone tapped my shoulder.
I turned around and immediately a Brittany wrapped her arms around my neck. I didn't even realize she'd kissed my cheek until Quinn laughed and nudged Brittany.
"Ew cooties." Quinn said with a smile. "I'm happy you showed." She added with such sincerity that I had to double take.
"I didn't know if you would." Brittany said as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "But more importantly, how awesome are Quinn and I out there?"
"Talk about amazing. How do you do that double spinny thingy?" I asked and Brittany just laughed against my shoulder.
"I'll show you later." She said just as Rachel and Izzy had reemerged.
"So I hear there's a party after the game. So am I going with Santana or you Brittany?" Izzy asked as if there was a chance that any of us would let her go to a high school party. Brittany rolled her eyes and so did I.
"I could take you." Quinn was joking but Izzy didn't get it.
"Quinn!" Brittany and I snapped at the same time.
"Sorry Iz, it was a bad joke. You can hang out with us on Sunday though if you want." Quinn offered. Izzy nodded and decided she might as take the offer. Rachel looked down at her shoes, clearly, she was uncomfortable. It must have been Quinn that was making her feel that way. "Did you see Puck score that first touchdown? When he pointed to the crowd, he was pointing to you."
"I'm gonna hurl." I told Quinn who only waved me off. "How do I tell him to fuck off?"
"Santana!" Brittany, Quinn, and Rachel said in unison. Izzy only laughed.
"I wish we could stay up here and watch the game with you guys. I mean I barely get a chance to watch the game when we're always cheering." Brittany said. I didn't really find football that exciting, to be honest, I was more interested in the cheers and the chants that our student section came up with to taunt the other fans.
"It's not that exciting." I assured Brittany. "Doesn't cheerleading get exhausting. I wouldn't be able to make it through five minutes." I said.
"You could totally do it." Brittany assured me. "Plus we take steroids." Izzy's mouth hit the floor.
"I'm telling dad!" Izzy shouted. I grabbed Izzy's arm before she could run off. Izzy was sort of clueless when it came to jokes. Rachel laughed began explaining to Izzy how teenagers were never serious about anything they said and that she should expect us to be joking at all times. I wondered if Rachel had any siblings, she was pretty good with Izzy, and it would make sense if she had a younger sister of her own.
"Bets on who's going to get the most messed up tonight?" Quinn asked. "My money's on you Brittany, I'll put 15 down that you won't be able to remember your own name by 3 am." Brittany blushed and looked to me for my bet.
"Brittany for sure." Brittany laughed and moved her hand from over my shoulder and pushed me against the fence. "What? I've seen you when you're at a party."
"How much are you betting?" Brittany asked.
"30." I said with a grin.
"I've got 50 on you Santana." Brittany said with this cocky grin that I've never seen on her face. I didn't know what was happening here. Sabotage maybe. "And you're not allowed to spend the whole night outside, okay?" I was partially impressed and partially annoyed that she knew that was my exact plan. I bit my bottom lip hoping she wasn't expecting a response, because I wasn't going to give it to her.
"The game's about to start again, don't you have some cheering to do?" I asked Quinn and Brittany. They exchanged glances and Quinn waved goodbye to me, and wrapped her arms around Izzy lifting her up and spinning her in a circle despite all of Izzy's protesting. I raised my hand to wave goodbye to Brittany but she grabbed it and pulled me closer to her.
"Promise me you'll try and have fun tonight." She demanded.
"I promise."
+0+
The first girl to pass out with Liz Naple known by the entire sophomore class asNips because last year she got into a fight and the other girl ripped her shirt exposing Liz to everyone, and while the boys were taking videos all the girls were making sure that nickname stuck. She was wild and crazy, and when we first got there she was the one who offered me a shot, I declined but Brittany insisted I drink so I did.
Quinn, who was also known as the drunken superhero at parties because of the one time she did a backflip off Puck's trampoline and stuck the landing, was the one who was trying to get Brittany to drink more so she'd win the bet. "Puck's trying to get a drinking game started." I just hoped it wasn't Never Have I Ever or worse spin-the-bottle; those games always made me want to crawl inside of my own skin and compress my heart until I keeled over and died. I couldn't stand them, never have I ever was too personal, spin the bottle was too impersonal, it was too much for me.
"I'm making you have fun no matter what." Brittany said grabbing my hand and bringing me into the kitchen where a lot of the jocks and cheerleaders had gathered. Brittany held onto my hand, I could only assume it was to keep me from running away but I had no true idea. I spotted Puck right away because he was wearing his football jersey and he was wearing sunglasses inside. He looked like a complete asshole, but I didn't say that out loud.
"Okay ladies, gentlemen, and others." He pointed to Finn who shoved Puck jokingly. "I'd like to introduce you to a game of shot roulette." I glanced down at the kitchen island and saw there were shot glasses lined up surrounding a bottle of vodka. Each glass had a different color drink, I could even tell that some were jello shots. "How it works is each person will spin the bottle and whatever glass it lands on, they have to take the shot." Quinn looked so apprehensive that I thought of just yanking my hand out of Brittany's grip and leaving. "Gather round." Some people chickened out, so there were only about 15 of us around the table." Finn went first and the bottle landed on this darkish gold liquid and everyone watched as Finn downed it.
"Olive Oil." He coughed out as he put the glass down. Now this game was looking like the worst idea ever. If that had been me drinking Olive Oil then I would've hurled. Quinn was next and hers landed on this red jello shot. I could tell it didn't taste good by the way her face scrunched up and she slammed the glass down on the counter.
"You put hot sauce in that, you ass!" Puck was nearly double over laughing and so were a few of the cheerleaders. I'll admit, the best part of having Quinn as a friend was seeing her when she wasn't trying to impress anyone, seeing her when she was vulnerable to the opinions and emotions of everyone, it made her real and lovable and I wouldn't trade that part of her for the world.
I was next and I could visibly see my hand shaking as I reached out to spin the bottle. "Don't be nervous baby girl." Puck said as if that was supposed to encourage me. I ignored him and watched as the bottle landed on a black substance. Puck walked over to the other side of the table and moved the bottle to the next drink. There were a lot of protest from some of the jocks, but some of the girls thought it was sweet. I was so annoyed and angry at him that I just downed the drink he'd picked no questions asked. It was sweet and loaded with rum and something else. We went around the table 3 more times and each time I'd gotten something good, not just because of Puck anymore, I guess it was luck.
I didn't know if I was supposed to thank him or smack him when he took off his shirt and told me to put it on over mine. "Or just take yours off." Puck added. I chastised myself for forgetting how to say no, but smacked his shoulder at even the suggestion that I was going to take my shirt off. It wasn't romantic or poetic, but Puck was the star wide receiver and although I didn't like attention, I was a little drunk and I was sort of proud that most of the girls were jealous of me.
"Are you okay?" Brittany asked ask she looped her arm around my waist. We were standing in the living room, well she was standing, I was leaning, and Quinn was explaining why she didn't want to be a stay at home mom when she's older and how she'll just die if she doesn't have at least four dogs. I always enjoyed Quinn's drunken rants, but right now I felt like I was just going to lose my mind if I didn't get away from all these people. Especially Brittany.
"I need to breathe." I told her as I walked away. I went out on the porch, it wasn't like this was the first time I'd been here. When Puck and I were younger we were actually friends. I knew his secret hideout under the porch. It used to be where he'd go to look at dirty magazines, now it's where he goes to smoke weed. It was actually cozy; he keeps it up pretty well. I crawled under the small space, and rested my back against the wall. I could feel the vibrations from the music, but I didn't let it bother me. I was finally alone and I could try and think, but thinking was not a good idea right now.
I wanted to be up there with everyone. No, not everyone. Brittany. Just Brittany.
I heard movement from above me, and then someone was crawling under the porch. I couldn't see for the life of me, but whoever it was they had soft hands that smelled like coconut and vanilla, and they tossed a flask onto my lap, as they sat down next to me. "How'd you know I'd be down here?" Of course Brittany would have a sixth sense about my whereabouts, I thought to myself.
"I followed you. I mean I waited because I thought that maybe you were upset or something, but then I thought I should just check on you anyway." She explained. "And also you should drink more because I want to win the bet and I sorta think Quinn's gonna blackout within the next hour." I smiled and took a drink from the flask.
"Now you." Brittany took a drink too and pulled out her phone, pressing the home screen so we could have some light.
"Are there spiders down here?" Brittany asked.
"Maybe." Brittany quickly climbed onto my lap. I laughed and held onto her waist. "We can go back up there." Brittany practically dragged me out from under the porch. When we started walking up the porch I could see Puck and a few other guys drinking beers outside.
"What were you two ladies doing down there?" Puck questioned with a suggestive wink.
"Shut up." Brittany told him. "But if we're being honest, I'm the much better choice." We went inside, I told Brittany I was sleepy and she took me into the basement. No one was down there. I took another drink; I didn't want to be awake anymore. I fell down onto the couch, Brittany giggled and laid down next to me. "You're so drunk." Brittany said as she rested her hand against my cheek. She was right; I didn't even know what my body was doing anymore. I leaned in, absolutely hell-bent on kissing her, but I pulled back before I could.
"Why did you let me get drunk?" I asked Brittany.
"I wanted to see you smile without forcing it." She said as she wrapped her arms around my body.
"I never force it when I'm with you." I slurred out. I felt like my breathing was uneven, it was because Brittany was so close to me. Her legs were tangled in mine, I opened my mouth to tell her to move, but it didn't come out right. "I love you." Even coming from my own mouth I sounded completely hammered, for a sentence that should've take a second, it took about 10.
"I love you too." Brittany said as she rested her head against my chest. I blacked out before I could ask her what she meant. I blacked out before I could tell her why I said it.
A/N: Review and tell me what you think please.
