"Daddy!" Yuzu cries, "Ichi-nii won't come out! He didn't even come down for lunch!"
"Ichigo, my wayward son! Why have you hidden yourself from the eyes of the beautiful world! You are worrying your sweet sisters! Emerge from the gloom and darkness, bask in the sunlight, and ease this festering pain you've burdened upon your family!"
"Oh, no! Is Ichi-nii hurt!? Did he suffer greatly and is hiding his pain from us!?"
"Ichigo! Do not shy away from your loved ones! We will heal your pain with familial affection! To the maximum!"
"I'm fine!! Just……give me a few minutes, okay!? Get out of my room!"
"Ichi-nii! Whatever your problem is, I promise I'll do my best to help! Please come out of the closet!"
"Ah, my sweet little Yuzu-chan! So understanding of even a barbaric brute! Ichigo, my unworthy son, you've distressed your baby sisters! Come out your emo closet and repent your misgivings by my rising phoenix kick!"
"My closet isn't emo! And who are you calling unworthy, you old troll!?"
"No, daddy! You can't fight Ichi-nii if he's hurt!"
"Oh, that's true! Thank you for reminding me! Ichigo, my anguished son, bounce forth from the depressing shadows of your seclusion and my fatherly bosoms will embrace you! But only this once!"
"Hell no! You keep your disgusting bosoms to yourself! Dammit, stop laughing, you little bitch!"
"Ichigo, my confusing son, no one is laughing at you! Have you already gone mad from the malevolent probes of closeted isolation!?"
"No, dammit! I'm just—I said stop laughing and—ack! Your damn foot's in my face!"
"Seriously, guys," Karin groans, "Ichigo said he's fine and will come out in time. Do we really have to shout at him through the closet?"
"B-but he hasn't been out in hours! Why won't he come out!?"
"Argh! I'm fine, Yuzu! Don't worry, I just—I'll be out soon if everyone would just leave my room!"
"No, Ichi-nii! I won't abandon my big brother to an unknown danger!"
"There's no danger! I'm not in danger, It's—dammit, I told you to stop poking my face!"
"No one is attacking your face, my blubbering son, why would you announce such a thing!? Unless, of course……" Isshin gasps. "Has your salient skin finally been afflicted by the horrendous onslaught of teenagehood!?"
"………………what!?"
"Ichigo, my disappointing son, have you been besieged by the horror of acne and refuse to be seen!?"
"Is that it, Ichi-nii!? Are you upset because you got pimples!? It's okay, I'll still love my big brother!"
"No, I don't have any—dammit, it's not funny!"
"Daddy, Ichi-nii is acting really really weird! Oooh, if only Rukia-nee was here! She'd know what to do!"
"Ah, yes! My third, beautiful, brilliant daughter, whose short stature belies her astounding mind and a heart of gold!"
"Pfffhaha! Yeah, short is right! And it's a poorly drawn heart gilded gold—OW! Did you just bite me!?"
"It's weird! I didn't see Rukia-nee all day neither! Could she be in trouble too!?"
"My graceful daughter is no doubt in some form of battle to salvage the decency of humanity at this very moment!"
"Would you stop biting my arm already!?"
"Um, guys," Karin waves, "I think Rukia-nee-san is actually closer than we—well, just you two—think. If you'd just—"
"Ichigo, my cowardly son, this is no time to be lamenting the atrociousness of your appearance! Step out of the damp cave that is your closet and let us scour the earth to uncover the mystery of the absence of my third daughter!"
"Yeah, Ichi-nii! Please come out so we can go look for Rukia-nee!"
"I am—Rukia is—there's no need to, I mean, to go look—"
"Indeed, Ichigo! You can rescue dear Rukia to offset the foolishness of your being and proclaim your eternal love to her and make me a proud grandpapa already!"
"I already did that, except for that last one—wait, what!?"
"Don't worry, Ichi-nii! I'll help you cover up so you can come out and go make babies with Rukia-nee!"
"I think that's probably what they've been doing until we barged—"
"Yes, there is no need to feel inadequate, my inferior son, let us go seek my daughter by word so you can make her my daughter by law. Without making a quick run to the convenience store. Hoho, I never thought there'd be the day I would say that. Masaki, our son is becoming a man!"
"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!"
"Ne, thank you for coming with me, Ishida-kun, Sado-kun, Tatsuki-chan."
"Eh, it's no problem," Tatsuki waves off, "I want to see how that dunderhead is doing too. I can't believe he skipped class probably just so he can sneak off with—oh, I…I'm s-sorry, Orihime, I didn't—"
"Uuuun. It's fine, I'll be all right."
"If you ask me," Ishida pushes up his glasses, head turned to the side, "it is simply a wonder Kurosaki is not interested in the same gender, for him to not return your……affections, Inoue-san."
"Mmm………"
"Um, no, what I meant was—uh, yes, I apologize for that comment, Sado-san. Forget I said anything."
"Hey, no need to get awkward. I agree with Ishida, Orihime. I wouldn't be surprised if Ichigo was actually into boys and this was all just a ruse."
"But," Orihime blinks, "I like boys too. What's wrong with that?"
"Uh, that was supposed to mean—never mind. It was just a joke anyway—"
"Ichi-nii, please come out! I promise I absolutely won't judge you!"
"Ichigo, my confused son, emerge from the closet this instant and face the world, yourself, and your family!"
"NEVER!!"
"Sigh."
Tatsuki blinks. Ishida blinks. Chad probably blinks.
"Hmm?" Orihime tilts her head, "Is Kurosaki-kun cheating at hide and go seek?"
