Tuesday
8 am
What in the name of Jas' gigantibus pant-a-loons have I done? My giddy God I have promised Mutti and Vati a visit from my new (not even a week old) boyfriend. Today. Oh my God Dave is going to kill me. Or I will die of embarrassment. Either way, today is the day I die. This is the kind of thing you do with the boy you have been dating for months. Ok, truth, me and Dave have been snogging for months. But I still don't think he is ready to meet The Elderly Insane. Will just tell Mutti he has footie practice today. Yes. That could work.
8.30 am
"Mutti, I know I said I would bring Dave round today but he says he has footie practice."
"Oh really?"
"Yes."
"Georgia you haven't seen or spoken to him about it yet." Crap. I forgot about that minor hiccup.
"We will meet him today."
O my God. I hope Dave will forgive me.
Stalag 14, break
Today has been the same rumor wise but at least one of the Gang is always with me. Though some people are over it. Katie even came up to me and told me how glad she was that me and Masimo broke up and she thinks Dave and I make a good couple which is nice and all, but also why would I care? Ellen is a bit quiet but at least does not has little micey eyes. Told the Gang about the parents-meet-Dave fandango. Jas told me not to worry because 'Dave fits right in with your family.' I'm not sure if that is an insult or a compliment. Octopussy is still acting smug and today came up to me and said, "What a great catch, Georgia, between his fantastic sense of discipline and respect towards our school I could not have imagined a more perfect boy for you. He has the maturity of a 5 year old, just like you!" then slimed off. I restrained myself by staring at her forehead with Jas and Mabs. She went to the tarts wardrobe after that.
German
This is brilliant! Herr Kamer is in a good mood and has let us have group discussions to improve our conversational German. Ro-Ro immediately called an Ace Gang meeting.
"Gee, something has been bugging me for a while now, fraulein, we all knew that you liked Dave the Laugh and he liked you (even though you were both too beknackt realize this) but how on Earth did he manage to give you a love bite when you weren't even going out?"
"Well… um. I don't just let any random bub give me a love bite. Me and Dave-"
"- have been küssend behind everyone's backs for ages now. It was like a weird thing that just kept happening. 'Accidentally attached to Dave's mouth' is how Gee would describe them." Thanks Radio Jas. All the Gang looked at me. All starey starey like starey things.
"Corr you naughty kleines Biest! I always knew you and Dave were up to something, but snogging behind everyone's back? Wowie you guys hid it well," this came from Mabs.
"Even when, you know, me and uhh… Dave. Were, um… you know, yeah?"
"Ich fürchte ja."
"Wowzee wow. Gee you will explain everything NOW!"
"Well, you know I used Dave to make Robbie jealous? At the first Stiff Dylans gig in November Dave came up to me and said that he wanted to talk to me and then he told me he couldn't get over me and that he thought he was in love with me," Haha all their mouths were open. "And he was almost crying and then he asked me for one last snog and then I noticed he had a clown nose on and started laughing and then I fell and he helped me up and we snogged. That was the first act of red bottomosity. And he called me and said it won't happen again and we don't need to tell anyone. And we didn't snog again until Rosie's fish party. Then he told me I have to choose between him and Robbie and him and I chose Robbie then Dave dumped Ellen and Robbie went to Kiwi-a-gogo land and I felt relieved. Especially about Dave dumping Ellen because it made me jealous. Then we snogged a few times and he went out with Rachel but we still snogged and I got jealous about Rachel. And then I met Masimo. And Dave dumped Rachel. And we still snogged. And Dave said he thought we were meant to be together. And then he went out with Emma. And I went out with Masimo. Then at the camping trip Dave told me he loved me again. And snogged me. Then he made me think about him and I realized I always loved him. And so I told him and he gave me a love bite and ran into the forest. And on Sunday he sent me flowers. And told me he dumped Emma. Then I dumped Masimo and Masimo called me a slut and now Sven and Dave want fisticuffs at dawn against Masimo."
"So basically Dave said he loved you in November and has been snogging you since then, he then tried to get you to dump Robbie but you wouldn't even though you couldn't stop snogging and thinking about Dave. And then he used some birds to make you jealous but you went out with Masimo and carried on snogging Dave. And then Dave made you think about it and you finally realized the truth?! You have to be the stupidest woman alive. We all knew you loved him, you two get on like a house on fire. Dave must really and truly love you to put up with you."
"Fanks Jas."
The rest of the Gang were speechless. And starey.
"Thanks for telling me Gee," our Lord Sandra it's a bloody miracle, Ellen spoke a full sentence!
"Yeah, it makes sense, you and Dave have like this weird connection, I think because you both insane, but it's like you guys are best friends and don't just snog all the time. Like you have been going out for ages." This came from Jools.
Rosie hit me over the head and said, "You are a fule of note, Gee. I was ready to shove Dave on you."
"Well that's the story."
"Scheiße! Gee I am beyond surprised. Wowee wow wow." That came from Mabs.
Then the bell rang.
Outside Stalag 14
Walked outside to break the news to Dave. He was waiting outside with Tom, Rollo, Sven and Dec. When Dave saw me he ran up to me and pulled me into the tightest hug imaginable.
"Dave, you're crushing me!!"
But he wasn't listening, he was screaming, "At last I have found her! SHE LIVES!"
Then he snogged me and everyone laughed. Dave seemed to be in a good mood and when he released me we held hands. I decided to tell him about upcoming events.
"Um, Dave would you kill me if I told you my olds are expecting you for tea today?"
Just then WL and ADM came out of school.
"Why hello Georgia and Dave, how sweet. Wonder how Masimo would feel if he saw he's new ex holding hands with that barely two days after he dumped her? A bit sluttish wouldn't you think, Mon? Though I'm sure you two have done way more than hold hands these past two days, wonder what everyone thinks..."
Then ADM went, "Isn't Gee going out with Masimo? I'm confused." Like the astonishly dim person she is. Dave pulled me away from them.
"KittyKat what was that you said earlier? Tea? With your Mutti and Vati? Thanks for the warning."
"They forced it upon me. Sorry Dave."
"No I don't mind. It was going to happen some time or other, I'm just a bit nervous, what if they don't like me?"
"Dave, they all mad. How bad could it be? Besides then at least Vati should stop listening to my phone calls to you."
"Ok that's good then,"
Then he snogged me. Jelliod.
Standing outside my house with Dave
"It won't be that bad. Right?"
"Right. Dave can we just go inside now? Please?"
"Just give me a minute."
"No, just go inside and get it over with." I opened the door and stopped dead.
"Oh My God! Dave RUN!"
"What?"
"GEORGIA, BRING THE LAD IN ALL READY! WE CAN SEE YOU!!" thanks, Vati, you are always the gentleman.
It was like a scene from one of my nightmares, Vati was smoking a cigar again, Mutti was dressed like a prostitute, Uncle Eddy was there (with a Hawaiian shirt and a blond afro wig on) and so was Grandvati (in his cycling shorts) but where is Libby?
"GINGER!! I bring you and Bad Boy naaaiiice party hats. LOOK!!" she then threw my knickers at me and Dave. Oh My God. She was wearing a pair on her head.
At this point Angus came down with Naomi and Gordy, he then launched himself at me and bit my ankle. Bloody hell in aggers. Libby was looking very angry and had Pantalizer Doll ready in case we didn't put the knickers on.
"FOR CHRISTS SAKE PUT THE BLOODY HAT ON!!"
I slowly put the knickers on my head and Dave copied. We went into the living room and took off the knickers.
"Um… everyone this is Dave. Dave this is Uncle Eddy-"
"HELLO DAVE!!"
"Errr… hi."
"He still in school Georgia?!"
"Yes Uncle Eddy. Dave this is-"
"School doesn't help me in my line of work, more of a burden than blessing." O God, Dave please, please don't ask.
"What would your line of work be then, sir?" NOOOO!!
"I'm a baldy-o-gram." AAAAHHHH!!
"A baldy-o-gram? Sorry but I'm not sure what that is." WHY, BABY JESUS, WHY??
"I take my clothes off for a living." he winked. TAKE ME NOW, LORD SANDRA!! Dave looked like he wanted to burst out laughing. Glad to see he found a fat, bald stripper funny.
"But sir, you're not bald." Uncle Eddy ripped off the wig and his bald head shone like it never had before.
"HAHA!! Would you like to see my act?"
"NOOO!!" that came from me.
"Gee, don't be so bloody rude. Now go get the vino tinto, bring Dave a glass too. By the way I'm Connie, Georgia's mother. Nice to meet you."
O God. I had too leave Dave alone with these loons. Libby was wearing all three pairs of my knickers now and had Gordy, wearing my bra, on her lap. She was singing 'Sex bomb!' loudly.
When I got back from the pouring wine fiasco (which took forever, Mutti had not done dishes so we didn't have any clean glasses) Uncle Eddy was beginning his routine. Dave looked petrified. Mutti then said that her, Vati and Uncle Eddy had some ludicrous ABBA karaoke night to attend and Libby was going with Grandvati to visit Masie. Urgh, pensioner-porn. They were already late so they jumped up and turned to leave. THERE IS A GOD! I put down the wine and grabbed Dave while Uncle Baldy sang Dancing Queen out the house.
"God I am so embarrassed."
"Gee, that was the most entertaining family I've ever met, no wonder you're mad."
"Fanx Dave. But your madder."
"No, your madder!" not this again. We all know this would end in a number 6.
"No, Dave, you're madder."
"Gee, you are way madder than me."
"Dave, I can't hold a candle to your madness." We were still standing in the living room which was disturbing since my underwear was littered everywhere. I cleaned my room yesterday so that shouldn't have any whatsits laying around. I started walking up the stairs and Dave followed.
"No, you are quite clearly insane."
"Dave, you are still madder than me." I was sitting on my bed now and Dave was next to me.
"Nope, I don't have a baldy-o-gram as an Uncle."
"That has nothing to do with how mad I am."
"But you still mad."
"Dave, this is stupid, you are-"
He suddenly jumped on me and was snogging me like billo. Blimey'o'Riley's pants he could snog. I went all jelliod and I realized that Dave was snogging me. Which is really stupid because Dave has snogged me before. But my stupid brain kept going OHMYGIDDYGOD GEORGIA DAVE IS SNOGGING YOU! And I felt really happy and all these cheesy fireworks happened and I put my hands under Dave's shirt and kind of ran my hands up and down his back. He went all spazoid. I must have really cold hands. He has such soft skin. He started snogging my neck and my collarbone. Then he sat up all breathless.
"Oh my God Georgia! I think that was the best snog I've ever had in my life!"
Then I pushed Dave down and I snogged him. It was a bloody good snog and Dave put his hands under my shirt and felt my back. It felt really amazing. But I didn't stop snogging him like he had stopped snogging me I just carried on.
Half an hour later
I'm still snogging Dave. He did nib libbling and also did the moany thing a couple of times. I did the moany thing as well once.
10 minutes later
Dave rolled us over so that he was on top of me. Didn't stop snogging though. I am so happy just snogging Dave. It's like I've finally bought that apartment in Love City I told Masimo I wanted. And Dave has moved in with me. And we fabbity fabulously rich. And I love Dave and-
"Gee, I love you." Weird he interrupted my little dream with exactly what I had been thinking! How freaky-deaky!
"I love you too, Dave, even though you are completely mad." He laughed and snogged me again. God I am so happy.
5 minutes later
Dave loves me. And I love Dave. How Jas'n'Tom!!
5 minutes later
Stopped snogging. There was some number 8 going on and then Angus jumped on us and bit Dave then Dave freaked out and fell off the bed. And Angus just walked out the room! Hahahahahaha!!
3 minutes later
"Gee, is Lindsey that mean to you in school?"
"Yes."
"What does she say?"
"That I'm a slutty tart and that we make a good couple since we both so immature."
"Nice to have her blessing."
"And she told everyone Masimo dumped me because I'm an immature slut."
"Did they believe her?"
"Well… yes. Everyone's talking about me now." O god I was going to start blubbing AGAIN.
"Gee that's horrible." Blubbing now.
Dave pulled me into his lap and I curled up like one of the toddly folk. Blubbing.
"It'll be fine pet, sshh, just let it all out."
"I-I-I'm ruining your sh-sh-shirt-t."
"Forget the shirt. Just cry it all out."
"But Lindsey… Masimo… Robbie… you… Jas… horrible person!!"
15 minutes later
Still crying into Dave's shirt and saying things that don't make sense. Dave is handling it very well and it just stoking my hair and letting me cry.
10 minutes later
Stopped crying.
"Now explain to me what that was about."
Told Dave everything. He listened and then told me I did the right thing etc. when he was done I realized what he said was true. Dave kissed my head and gave me a hug. Then we went in search of snacks.
5 minutes later
Snogging Dave again. On the couch.
"Thanks Dave, for listening."
"Anytime KittyKat. By the way I think your family might actually like me."
"Uncle Eddy does anyway."
"I got to go, Gee, but I'll see you later."
"okay bye Dave."
Dave gave me a peck goodbye and turned away. Then he turned back and did a number 6. Hehe.
9 pm
The olds have arrived home, Vati came up to tell me he liked Dave then Libbs climbed an my bed and just conked out. Bloody amazing. What did the pensioners do to her?!
10pm
Wonder what Dave is thinking? Possibly 'I have an insane emotional girlfriend who knows a baldy-o-gram'. Ah well
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