It just seems as though life keeps preventing me from updating this damn thing. My apologies, as always for the wait. HA. Not. This is not my top priority at the moment and my sincerest apologies for missing Thanksgiving. But I'm rather glad, as Thanksgiving is a dumb, stinky holiday and the only reason I like it is because of the food. I mean, why would we want to give thanks? It seems pretty pointless to me. Saying "thank you" won't help a person take over the world! It is quite possibly the worst holiday because I do not get presents or candy.
So yeah. Thanksgiving is a terrible holiday and I hate celebrating it.
Max...
Yes?
We live in Canada. We don't celebrate American Thanksgiving. Ours was all the way back in October.
...oh.
Christmas Shopping!
So it appears as though it is December now. Which means that the only thing on anyone's mind is Christmas! Christmas has always been my favorite holiday! So many presents for me! I got my first long-backed chair on a Christmas long ago! As a matter of fact, it has been incredibly easy for my parents to buy things for me. They just have to think about my favorite movies, and my goal of RULING THE WORLD! They've...never actually given me anything that could actually help me conquer the world, but appearances of a super-villain is the most important thing, so I thank them anyway.
But Christmas is a double-edged sword. You also have to...ugh...get other people presents. And it is that aspect of Christmas which Scarlett and I will be tackling today. Now, I'm sure all of you would rather be like me and just buy presents for yourself on Christmas and just ignore everyone but your parents and your pet. But sadly, it is "proper" to give other people gifts and it helps to not burn bridges with people in the long run. So we'll be going through how to know what to buy for three different groups of people: relatives you don't really care about, friends, and enemies.
First things first, friends. Just...um...see what's on their wish list and give them it. I'm sorry, I can't come up with an appropriately evil explanation here. I guess not everything in the world can be done "evilly."
...
...
...HA HA, WHO AM I KIDDING? For your friends, feel free to go about doing things in the most EVILLY ROUNDABOUT WAY POSSIBLE! This is my diabolical scheme, in five steps!
1. Buy the item.
2. Ask your friend about relatives they have. Particularly ones that are far away.
3. Look them up and mail the item to THEM so that they have to mail it back! MWA HA HA HA!
4. ?
5. Profit.
And that's that.
As for relatives, just see what's on their wish list and give it to them. I...I have scary relatives who would not appreciate my genious humor. And yes, I know "genious" doesn't have an "i."
As for enemies, well this is obviously the most fun you're going to have with Christmas shopping! Don't be afraid to bring out the BIG GUNS! Things that will make them COWER IN FEAR AT YOUR VERY PRESENCE AS YOU OFFER THEM EVIL SERVED ON A PLATTER! MWA HA HA HA!
First things first, organize your priorities of enemies on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being minor annoyance and 5 being arch-nemesis. My gifts for enemies are as follows.
1. Whoopee cushion!
2. Fresh dog poop!
3. A kleenex.
4. An embarrassing shirt.
5. Marijuana cupcakes! AHAHAHAHAHA!
As for my parents, although I didn't say I had to talk about them, what I would get them if I could would be a huge mansion that they can live in by themselves. My dad doesn't like Freckles that much and we're a little...hard-pressed right now? That's why I bravely took a job at a fast food joint to raise more money for us. And once I become ruler of the world, they can have all the riches they want! Not as much as me of course, but still they birthed this conqueror into being and raised him, so that at least deserves something.
So that's all I have to offer here, a little less than usual but still should be enough for your minds. I'll see you all next time.
You forgot me.
Oh. Right. I'm sorry, you were just being really quiet. I thought you were plotting to kill me or something.
The day's still young.
Right. *gulp* Anyway, I'll turn this over to Scarlett now.
I do not see why we had to have two consecutive chapters about holidays. Perhaps that is the way the updating schedule worked out, but to be frank I want to get this segment out of the way as soon as possible. I have other matters to attend to that are much greater than scale than this silly journal. I found something out that is very curious and potentially world-altering in its secrecy and I'm looking into it, although I'm not really sure if-
Ahem. You're getting off-topic.
My apologies. I won't dare mention anything important ever again.
Now let us dispense with the formalities and get some shit done.
Christmas is more enjoyable than Halloween, although that is not the particular focus of this journal. Shopping is. I will be examining the same groups of people Max did in a more intellectual, and hopefully more useful way.
First things, first, relatives. Both of my parents were only children and therefore I have no cousins. I do not particularly care for my brother, and would consider performing more experiments on him were he not still in therapy for the whole "controlling his toys to attack him in the night for six years" thing. Pity, I'd been hoping to try out the experiment where I'd flick the light on and off for hours on end. I heard that it is actually one of the most acute forms of torture out there.
Moving on. I have no relatives apart from my brother to shop for. Every year for a while after I started the deal I bought him a new remote-controlled toy, pretending to be unaware of his nightly torment and relishing the fear on his face. But after he cracked and went to therapy, this would seem suspicious so I stopped. Now I just give him whatever inconspicuous thing I can think of. I can't afford to be too suspicious.
I do not have many people that I would consider to be "friends" either. If at all. To those that I deem "fake" friends, I sometimes psychoanalyze them and then "accidentally" provide them with an emotionally triggering item. For example, a clingy and annoying boy had just gotten over breaking up with his girlfriend so I tracked down the girlfriend's perfume, wrapped it up and put her name on the nametag. It was rather amusing to watch his reaction.
That's one of the tamer ones. I do not wish to put out the more...psychologically disturbed ones like what I did for the kid who'd been attacked by a dog as a child or a former friend with arachibutyrophobia (the fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth).
As for enemies, feel free to be more direct with your hatred. Do not kill them. It's messy, generally. I know that death would be the best present for them so that the world could no longer be graced with their presence, but sadly no one else will see it that way. Feel free to not even let them know you're giving them a gift and possibly use one of my suggestions during the "pets" chapter, or perhaps elsewhere. If you hate them enough to want them to suffer, give them suffering for Christmas.
But don't kill them. Please. Like I said in Chapter 1, I don't want to see you at court.
I'm not even going to bother telling you not to follow Scarlett's advice. Anyway, I WON'T say that it won't take another month, because for all intents and purposes it probably will, but just in case we don't get another chapter out in December, Merry Christmas anyway, you ungrateful sons of bitches.
Now let's get the hell out of here.
