"She's so blunt."
"You make it sound like that's a bad thing."
"He's clearly uncomfortable. She's talking about sex."
"What guy is ever uncomfortable when talking about sex?"
"How stereotypical of you, Q."
Quinn laughs at that remark, never moving her gaze from the television screen. She's been at Sadie's for forty-five or so minutes and all they've done thus far is watch an episode of 'Bones' Sadie had saved on her digital video recorder. They're still watching said episode, but for the past couple minutes, they've been talking about Temperance Brennan and how blunt she is.
Quinn thinks she's blunt, at least. Terribly blunt.
"Maybe just a little stereotypical," she starts, "but I've yet to meet a guy that doesn't jump at the chance to talk about sex. With the exception of Finn, but he has issues." She's joking about Finn. Sort of. There is that whole mail man issue and she's still not forgiven him for giving that idea to every other guy at that school. And Tina.
"You can't say they're not all thinking about it, though," she adds after a moment.
"You do have a point," Sadie agrees, "but name one girl that isn't thinking about it, too."
She groans, reflecting back on when Rachel said something similar during a celibacy club meeting. She knows it's true - girls want sex just as much as guys do. However, it's not something she ever feels comfortable talking about. It's especially not something she wants to talk about with Sadie because she's attracted to the brunette and she knows better than to talk about sex with someone she's attracted to.
"Okay, I give. You win," Quinn relents, desperate for a topic change.
"So, what now then?" Sadie asks once the episode has ended. "We could continue to talk about sex and blunt people, but that clearly makes you uncomfortable, so something new is in order, yes?"
Quinn laughs, but, despite herself, it comes out sounding sort of choked and she can feel herself blushing. "Yes, Dr. Brennan," she teases.
"Fine, fine, but no more television," Sadie says. She grabs the remote and turns off the television before looking at Quinn. "So, I know you're my guest, but I'm a terrible host, so you tell me what we're going to do because I'm all out of ideas."
Quinn hesitates. She knows what she wants to do. She wants to ask Sadie about Maya, for the same reason that she wanted to know more at lunch - she wants to know if she has a shot. She's never been the one to make the first move. She doesn't even know if she's going to make a move on Sadie, because she's still not sure she's ready, and for more than just one reason. The obvious reason is that she doesn't know Sadie. Santana and Brittany - hell, even Puck - would tell her that it doesn't matter, that she should just make her move before someone else does, but luckily for her, she's not them. She wants to know who she's with and she doesn't know Sadie. Not entirely.
The less obvious reason for her not being ready is that she's afraid she'll hurt Sadie. She's afraid she'll screw it up and once again be forced to live with the consequences of breaking someone's heart. It happened with Finn, it happened with Puck, and it happened with Sam. She's terrified that she's doomed in terms of being in a relationship. Maybe she's not fit for a relationship; maybe she's one of those girls who destroy every life they touch.
It's irrational, completely irrational, to think such a way, but unfortunately, she's not Dr. Temperance Brennan and she can't compartmentalize her feelings. She can't rationalize everything. It's unfortunate, but that's life. Hers, anyway.
"Uh, Quinn, you okay?"
Sadie's question snaps Quinn out of her thoughts and she looks at her, taken aback by the concern she sees. The fact that Sadie seems to care about her makes Quinn like her even more.
"I'm fine," she lies. She thinks she's far from it. "I just... I actually wanted to, uh, ask you about Maya," she says after a moment, praying that she hasn't overstepped a boundary by asking about Sadie's ex. She wants to know more about Sadie and her relationships back in Pennsylvania, but not if it's at the expense of their friendship.
"Oh," Sadie breathes, showing no signs that she's even a little angry with Quinn. "Okay. What do you want to know?"
Quinn's surprised that she's willing to talk about her ex, but she's grateful she's not mad. And if she's being honest, she's grateful that Sadie is willing to talk about her because Quinn knows if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't be. She thinks Sadie knows that, too, because the brunette's asked her about Puck more than once and Quinn always avoids the subject. Maybe Sadie's just stronger than her.
"This may seem like a weird question, and trust me, you don't have to answer if you don't want to," she starts awkwardly, mentally slapping herself for sounding so nervous, "but what you did mean at lunch? You know, when you said that you love her?"
"I meant that I love her," Sadie replies, seemingly confused by her question. "I probably always will." Quinn tries desperately hard not to show how much those words affect her, how much they make her heart ache. She's surprised how much of an impact they have on her, but they call it a crush for a reason, don't they?
As if sensing Quinn's disappointment, Sadie continues by saying, "That doesn't mean we'll get back together, because we won't, and that doesn't mean I can't love someone else, because I can. It just means that I care about her and I can't stop caring about her. She's the first girl I've ever truly loved. She was my first gay relationship. She'll always have a special place in my heart, but we're done."
Quinn fights not to let out a sigh of relief. One, she doesn't want to look stupid, and two, she'll feel bad if she shows how relieved she is that Maya and Sadie are really over. She's sure Maya still loves Sadie and she knows their break up is probably just as recent as Quinn's break up with Sam, so, yes, she feels bad for feeling as good as she does right now.
Still, at least now she knows if she decides to make a move, she can.
"I still love Puck," she admits, feeling as though she should share something, too. "I'm not in love with him anymore," she's not willing to go into why, "but I do care about him a lot and I miss him. I miss Sam, too, but we got together when I still wasn't over Puck, and not just that... Sam and I just don't fit. We're what's expected and I'm sick of doing what's expected of me."
She's never told anyone that before. Not even herself. She's thought it, of course, but she's never admitted to herself that another reason she broke up with Sam is because she's tired of doing what's expected of her. She's sick of dating football players just because she's the head cheerleader.
"You don't always have to do what's expected of you, Quinn," Sadie says.
She wishes that were true, but she doesn't think it's that easy. Reputation is everything in high school. She has to stay on top and that means doing everything that's expected of her.
"I do if I don't want to leave high school a joke," she retaliates, knowing how stupid the words are before they even leave her mouth.
"And what about being happy?" Sadie asks. "I don't know about you, but I'd rather leave high school happy and as a so-called joke, rather than leave it and have to live the rest of my life knowing that I didn't do what I wanted in high school. That's why I'm not hiding who I am here. I want to be happy."
"You're right," Quinn says because it's the truth. Sadie is right. It's better to be happy than to do what's expected of you. "I think I may just have to take it one step at a time, though. Maybe I should start with not dating footballers," she jokes as an attempt to lighten the mood because she's already had enough of being serious. She's sure if they continue their current line of conversation, she'll break and she's not ready to break yet.
"Maybe," Sadie laughs. Quinn's relieved that she's going along with the change of subject. "But, it's not like swearing them off will keep them from chasing after you," she adds, her tone teasing. "I can't blame them, though. There's something sexy about a cheerleader."
"I think for the guys it's the skirts," she jokes, though it's probably the truth.
"Well, they are sexy," Sadie says, and Quinn has to fight to keep herself from blushing. She's not sure what Sadie meant by that, but she's almost positive it wasn't an innocent remark. "I, for one, wouldn't mind dating a cheerleader."
Quinn bites her lip. It's a habit, one she does a lot when she's flirting. And that's exactly what she's about to start doing. "I'm sure a cheerleader wouldn't mind dating you."
She grins when Sadie blushes. It's incredibly cute, she thinks. "Any particular cheerleader in mind? I'd love to get her number."
Now, it's her turn to blush. "I can think of one or two," she says as casually as possible.
"I like brunettes," Sadie says, and Quinn can't stop herself from frowning. "Maybe you could give me Santana's number. She's hot."
"Santana's a slut," Quinn blurts. Even though it's somewhat true, she feels bad for saying it. She opens her mouth to correct herself, but shuts it when she takes note of how amused Sadie looks. She can't believe she fell for that. She was joking. "I hate you," she mumbles.
Sadie laughs. "No, you don't. Sounds like you hate Santana, though." Quinn's not sure if she's joking or not.
"I don't," she says just in case Sadie isn't joking and really does think she hates Santana. "We've been friends forever. I may not like her right now, but that has nothing to do with her. Not really, anyway. It has more to do with social hierarchy. She wants to be on top and right now I am. Ergo, our friendship is on the rocks."
"What is with you and 'ergo?'" Sadie jokes. "Seriously, though, that sounds like a pretty dumb reason for ruining a friendship. The friendship should come first. Not cheerleading."
"You obviously don't know Santana," is all Quinn says before deciding it's time for another subject change. "So, what's it like in Pennsylvania?"
"Where I'm from, it's boring," Sadie says, and judging by look on her face, Quinn's pretty sure that's the only answer she's going to get. "Want to watch another episode of 'Bones?'"
"No, because then you'll want to talk about sex again," Quinn teases, feeling embarrassed after she speaks the words. It's like she doesn't have a filter when she's talking to Sadie.
Sadie smirks and scoots closer to Quinn. The blonde tenses as she feels the girl's fingers playing over her forearm. "You were in celibacy club, right?" The Cheerio just nods. "You should be used to talking about sex, then," she says, smirk still in place.
Quinn's relieved when Sadie stops touching her forearm, but she's still acutely aware of how close they are now. "In celibacy club, we talked about abstaining from sex, not having it." She really doesn't want to talk about this. "Let's just change the subject, okay?"
"As you wish, Princess," Sadie says, scooting back over to her original spot on the couch. "You just want to study then?" she asks.
No, is what Quinn wants to say. What she wants to do is kiss Sadie. Badly, but she won't.
"Yeah, let's study," she says, and she hopes she sounds convincing to Sadie because she sure as hell doesn't sound convincing to herself.
This is pure torture, Emily thinks. A beautiful - no, gorgeous - blonde is in her living room, curled up with a blanket on her couch and twice, they've talked about sex.
Quinn Fabray is going to be the death of her.
Said girl's attention is currently focused on the television screen... again. They studied for their upcoming Chemistry quiz for about twenty minutes before deciding they'd rather watch more television and talk rather than study.
They're watching 'That 70s Show.' Quinn is, anyway. Emily's distracted. She has many questions for Quinn. Number one, as of the moment, being why she wants to know so much about Maya. They're friends, but the way Quinn's acting, like she wants Emily to be over Maya, is far from how a normal friend would act.
Emily likes her. She's admitted it to herself once, there's truly no harm in admitting it to herself again. Not once, however, has she entertained the idea that Quinn may feel the same. Still, she didn't have to say what she said about Puck. She could have dropped the subject after she got the answer to her question, but she didn't. She told Emily that she's over Puck, and that she's over Sam, and she didn't have to tell her that.
It could mean something, or it could mean nothing. Maybe she wanted to open a little more because Emily did, but still...
"Why'd you ask me how I feel about Maya?"
She doesn't regret asking that, even if it is random. She wants to know.
Quinn doesn't answer right away - just stares at the tv as if she hasn't heard anything. Emily knows she has; she doesn't know why she's hesitating, why it's taking her so long to respond. She tries not to think too much of it. She doesn't want to make herself believe it's anything more than what it is. If it's anything at all, that is.
Maybe it's nothing. Maybe Quinn just didn't hear her, but again, Emily knows she did.
"Just curious," Quinn says, but she doesn't look away from the television.
Emily knows she's lying - she's lied enough to know when someone else is doing it. She doesn't call her out on it. She'll let her get away with it... for now.
"Curiosity killed the cat," she jokes, wanting Quinn to look at her. She does.
"But satisfaction brought it back," she says with a smile.
"I'd prefer a blonde, just so you know," she blurts, unsure why she says it but knowing how the thought formed in her mind. She saw Quinn's disappointment earlier - she hopes it was disappointment - when she joked about preferring brunettes. She doesn't have a preference when it comes to hair color, but right now, she wants a blonde. A specific blonde with hazel eyes and a smile that knocks the breath out of her when it's real and not the fake one she wears for the world.
One blonde that is currently blushing and turning her head as if to hide it. Emily doesn't know how it's possible, but she thinks Quinn looks even more perfect now than she did when she first laid eyes on her. And though she's not completely over Maya and she knows it could potentially put her in danger, Emily really, really wants to kiss her...
... which is why she says, "I, uhm, let's go for a walk."
Quinn blinks, as if coming out of her own little world, and looks at her. "What?"
"Let's go for a walk," she repeats, less awkward this time.
"Are you crazy?" Quinn asks, but the word 'crazy' doesn't sound harsh... more like a term of endearment. "It's freezing outside," Quinn goes on to say when Emily still hasn't spoken.
"We don't have to walk." She pauses. "We could just go eat... or uh, go for a drive..." she suggests, both suggestions trailing off at the end.
"I promised 'Cedes I'd actually show up at dinner tonight, so..." Quinn says, eying Emily suspiciously.
"So... you have to go?" She's not sure if she should feel disappointed or relieved. She thinks she's both.
"No." Quinn chuckles. "They don't eat until like, seven, so I'm good."
She feels disappointed and relieved at that, too. It's not really Quinn's fault that she wants her to leave... it's just, she's having a really hard time not kissing her. She needs a distraction. She needs Hanna, because Hanna would tell her what to do. Hanna's part of the reason she accepted her feelings for Maya, part of the reason she accepted herself for who she is.
"You want a snack, or a drink?" Emily asks, searching for any excuse to go to the kitchen.
"Sure. I'll take a water," Quinn says, and Emily finds herself jumping up and making her way into the kitchen mere seconds later.
She reaches into the fridge and pulls out two bottles of water. She places them on the counter after she shuts the fridge and then she grabs her cell, shoving the device into the pocket of her jeans before grabbing the waters and taking them back into the living room. She hands one to Quinn before setting hers on the stand beside the couch.
"I have to make a call real quick," she says, not wanting to lie to Quinn and come up with some lame excuse to leave the room. "I'll be right back, though. Honest."
"Well, go then," Quinn says with a laugh, making a show of dismissing Emily from her own living room with a wave of her hand.
Once she's in her bedroom, Emily takes her phone out of her pocket and dials Hanna's number.
"Em, hi!" Hanna exclaims from the other end of the line after she picks up.
"Hey, Hanna," Emily replies, her tone not as enthusiastic as Hanna's, but that doesn't change how happy Emily is to finally be speaking to her. She hasn't spoken to her since last Thursday and she misses her. She misses all three girls. They're practically family, after all.
"What's her name?" Hanna asks without missing a beat.
Emily sometimes thinks the blonde is psychic. Or at least very good at reading people, even if those people aren't anywhere near her.
"Quinn," the brunette answers, throwing herself onto her bed and lying on her back. "She's blonde and beautiful and smart, and I think kind of damaged, too." She's not sure about the last part, of course. She can't be sure because Quinn hardly ever opens up to her. She wants to change that. She will change that.
"And you want to know if you should make your move, right?"
See, psychic. "I would make a move," Emily starts, "but she doesn't even know my name."
Hanna sighs. "Em, you can't let that stop you from forming relationships. Wherever you are," the girls don't know where she is because if they knew, 'A' would, too, "your name is Sadie. They don't know who Emily Fields is. They don't even know who Sadie Field is, but they'll get to know her. And 'they' includes this girl that you like. So, if her not knowing your real name is the only reason you're scared to make your move, then forget it, let it go. Make a move before someone else does."
That's not the only reason. It's something else. It's not that she's scared of being in another same sex relationship, because she accepts who she is. She knows who she is - she's Emily Fields and she is a gay woman. Still, the idea of making the first move... That's something she's never done before, not without help. She's not sure she knows how, and then there's that whole thing about Quinn never having been with a girl before; not to mention, they hardly know each other. But relationships are about getting to know your partner, right?
"I'm starting to think too far ahead," she blurts without really meaning to.
"That's normal, and completely ridiculous," Hanna says with a laugh. "Take a chance, okay? You did with Maya, and now you can do it with this Quinn girl."
"How is she?" Emily asks while thinking over Hanna's previous statement.
"I don't understand why you don't just ask her yourself," Hanna says instead of answering her question.
Emily scoffs, deciding not to roll her eyes because she knows Hanna won't see it. "You know why."
"I do not, so explain it to me." Emily knows she's lying, but she humors her, anyway.
"I don't want to hurt her anymore, okay?" she answers, and she thinks she sounds too quiet when she speaks. "We're over because I left, and she was hurt because of my mistakes, my lies, my secrets. I don't want to make this any harder for her than it has to be. I need to give her time."
"Em, hon," Hanna says, her tone softer than before, "she doesn't need time. She needs closure, even if it is just over the phone."
She wants to say that Hanna's wrong, but she's not. What Maya needs is closure, and though she doesn't think it's right to give her that over the phone, she knows it's the best she can do because she can't go back. Someday, she can, whenever whatever game 'A' is playing has ended, but until then, she's stuck here.
"Okay, you're right," she grumbles, a sigh escaping her lips after she speaks.
"I know," Hanna chirps, and Emily just rolls her eyes.
"Okay, Big Head, I have to go." She's teasing about the 'big head' part, of course. Sort of. "Thank you, though, and I miss you."
"Anytime, Em, and I miss you, too," Hanna says.
Emily hangs up after they say their goodbyes and places her phone back on her dresser before making her way back into the living room and reclaiming her spot on the couch beside Quinn.
"Fez gives me the creeps," is the first thing Quinn says after Emily sits down, and the brunette finds herself laughing.
"Yeah, he'll do that," she jokes, a small smile on her face as she watches Quinn watching 'That 70s Show.' She knows it's creepy to stare at someone when they're watching television. Staring at someone, in general, is creepy, but she finds herself unable to look away. She thinks it's cute, the way Quinn will make a disgusted face when Fez says something disgusting and laugh whenever one of the characters says something funny.
Quinn is cute. She's more than that, though - she's beautiful, and not just outside. There's something about the way she talks, the way she acts when they're alone, that makes her even more beautiful. She gets it, why Puck is in love with Quinn. If he sees what she sees, and she's sure he does, then she definitely gets it.
"I have a camera, y'know." Quinn's voice drags Emily out of her thoughts and she glances at the blonde, momentarily confused. "You could use it, if you want," she adds after tearing her gaze from the television and focusing it on Emily.
She sees amusement in Quinn's eyes, but has no clue what's so funny.
"I don't get-" she starts, only to stop herself when she realizes why the camera Quinn mentioned is relevant. "Oh," she says, realizing Quinn caught her staring and was making a joke about pictures lasting longer. "Sorry." Only, she's not sorry. Not really.
"Are you doing anything Friday?"
The question surprises her, but she doesn't hesitate before saying, "No." She thinks that's all the answer Quinn needs, even though she's not exactly sure what's happening.
"Do you want to do something Friday?" Quinn asks after a moment's hesitation. "With me?"
"Sure," she replies, hoping that she sounds a lot more casual than she feels.
"Dinner and a movie?"
"Like a date?" she asks, and the question is like deja vu, only the last time, she was the one doing the asking.
A smile - her real smile - graces Quinn's lips. "Yeah, like a date. Exactly like a date."
author's note: things will start moving along for these two next chapter, honest. there will be more interaction between quinn and puck... just not yet. the way i've written quinn, she's kind of like one of those girls that just avoid everything that's going to make them seem weak. pretty little liars was good monday. lucas... wow. at least hanna understands why he did what he did. he acted kind of like an asshole, but still, i get why he acted the way he did. i can understand why he's so upset. as for noel, i hate him more with every episode. i truly don't believe he's 'A', though (no, i have not read the books, so i don't really know who 'A' is). i actually think it's mona. and now that they're talking about 'A' and Ali's murderer not being the same person, i think ian murdered her. oh, and emily's mom... i do not feel sorry for her, not in the least. calling your daughter sick is so wrong in so many ways. i have no tolerance for people like her.
moving on, thanks for the reviews. i truly appreciate it. :) i'm glad i'm not alone in liking the idea of emily/quinn.
