Chapter 4: The Holy Toast has Spoken!

Dimitri woke up to a girl staring at him in his room.

Wait a second… he didn't have a room he was just disowned and taken in by hobos.

This must be a dream then.

He got off the bed and stared at the girl. Then he looked around his new room a bit.

Well this isn't that good of a dream. Where's the food?

And just like that he had a slice of buttered toast in his hand.

Nice!

So he took a bite of his toast and the girl got up.

She smiled and made a gesture for him to follow her.

Dimitri shrugged and followed her out the room as he enjoyed his toast.

He observed the girl as they walked out into a mansion, but he didn't pay much attention to his surroundings.

She was wearing a silky dress the color of honey that shimmered as she walked. Her hair was a pale blond with strands of gold.

And she had a triangle on her back.

Odd.

When Dimitri finally looked around he saw that there were triangles making up a faint chandelier hanging over his head.

The girl came to a stop as Dimitri stared at the chandelier.

Then it fell and hit him on the head.

Ow!

Dimitri woke up with bright lights flashing in his eyes as he laid on a polished wooden floor. He was on a concert stage, he had been on many before when he played flute in high school.

Then a triangle appeared in his hand, the same one he had held over the pit of lava.

He gripped it softly and was about to softly play a tune.

Then a giant black box came and ate him.

Dimitri was jerked awake.

He painted on a mat, he was back with the hobos in the illiteracy cult.

Well that was a weird dream. At least there was toast.

Speaking of food, Dimitri could smell something delicious was being eaten.

In the abandoned shed, it was well past dawn, although half of the cult was still asleep on their mats.

At least we get to sleep in.

He got up and walked towards the smell, stumbling over a few sleeping people on the way. He finally found his way onto the smell when he reached the entrance to the surprisingly large shed he now lived in.

Guac opened the door and walked inside holding a heavy bag that was emitting the delicious smell.

She smiled at him and called out softly, "I've got food."

Most people barely stirred but Jim immediately ceased snoring, shot up from his worn soccer ball bean bag and yelled at top volume, "FOOD!"

That did it. Everyone woke up to the smell of food and scrambled over each other to get there first.

Guac calmly walked over to the place of the grand golden triangle and held up the food.

She yelled in a surprisingly loud voice, "IF ANYONE MOVES, I'LL THROW IT IN THE LAVA!"

Everyone froze and stared at the bag of food in horror.

Guac smiles cheerfully. "Good! Now line up and get your pie."


After a few minutes of giving out food, everyone sat at a long old wooden table and ate pie with glee.

Dimitri was last to get his pie and he sat down next to Joe and Jim.

Salsa sat across from Joe and Guac came over and sat in front of Dimitri.

Salsa nodded to the pie. "We stole that from Mr. Pieson."

Guac nodded, "Yeah, I would have preferred some avocado but we thought this would make you feel more at home." she said, as she smeared some guacamole over the top of her pie and chowing down.

Despite the pie's bittersweet connection to home (and the fact that he never liked pie much anyways), he smiled. "Thanks."

The guy with the afro casually dismembered his cherry pie with a twisted plastic fork.

"So, if you played the triangle, doesn't that mean you lead the cult now?"

What? No no no no no no no no no—

"No thank you!" said Dimitri said hastily.

The dude looked up, surprised by his quick answer.

"I mean, the illiteracy cult is kind of better the way it is, isn't it?" said Dimitri.

The guy smiled. "Yeah, it is."


Later that day, Dimitri went off to work at Banker's United, but little did he know that it was an eventful day at home.

On that bright and sunny day, Billee, Billy, and Billie wrestled over each other to get all their ingredients for their pies within the kitchen of the Pieson's house. Flour was dusting in their dark hair, the wrong ingredients spilled across the table, and mischief glinted in their eyes. The FDA would have had a fit, although the Billies (as they were often known in Zucchiniville) always made it out fine, and people didn't get food poisoning (usually).

Anyways, they were in one of these common circumstances, when suddenly something fell out of the sky, and made a loud CLANG! against the window over the sink.

Billee jumped back, yelling words so unrepeatable that Ms. Pieson came in angrily with a bar of soap in her hand, and made him wash out his mouth, much to Billy and Billie's amusement.

"What was that, though?" asked Billy, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Mmmph mmph mmph mmm." answered Billee through the bar of soap in his mouth, shrugging, causing Billy and Billie to burst into laughter once again.

Billy grinned, "Should we go see?"

The three of them ran out of the house, grinning wildly and pushing one another as if they were still four years old when they arrived at the grass beneath the windowsill, where there was an eBay box.

"Yeah, free stuff!" said Billie, pumping his fist in excitement.

Billee let out an excited "MMMMMM!" over the soap in his mouth, and began to rip away the packing tape, along with Billy and Billie, who quickly followed suit.

Eventually, they opened the box (which happened to be addressed to some little-known city in Alaska), and pulled away the bubble wrap and the styrofoam, and there was a toaster oven.

"Woah, a toaster oven! Sweet!" said Billy.

"Mmhm!" hummed Billee in approval.

"It's like brand-new, too!" said Billie.

Billy went into the box, and scooped up the little toaster oven, and as he lifted it rightside-up, suddenly it's bright, feathery turquoise wings streaked with light green came into view.

"AAA!" yelled Billy in surprise.

"AAAAAA!" yelled the poor little toaster oven as it plummeted towards the ground.

Billee let out an alarmed "MMMMMMM!"

Billie deftly caught it before it the ground, and held the toaster oven up in the light.

"Sorry about that! Are you okay?" he said in concern, examining it curiously.

The other Billies scooted forward, intrigued.

"Hi, I'm Billie!" said Billie smiling at the toaster oven.

"Oh, hello!" said the little toaster oven, stretching its little sky blue wings that sparkled in the sunlight, "I'm Collin! I am a toaster oven." he stated proudly, as if that were not obvious. "Do you happen to have a electrical cord I could borrow? I am running a little short on battery power!"

"Sure thing!" said Billy brightly, and Billee followed up with a approving "Mhm!", as they brought the little thing into the house.


Dimitri walked into Banker's United with a cheerful grin.

After finding a place to stay, if you consider an old shed filled with hobos a place to stay, he had a new spring in his step.

He walked over to his new teller slot and got himself settled.

Ah, another lovely day of scamming, he thought to himself in content.

The doors of the bank opened and closed with new customers, bringing in bright puffs of the fresh, dewy, grass-scented air that filled the town.

And then his brothers walked in with a moving eBay box in their hands, and was that soap in Billee's mouth?

The three Billies ran towards Dimitri's window, pushing through the crowd, and casually jumping over a few tables on their way, receiving a few disapproving glares from Ms. Chase (aka. Fefe), with bright and slightly worrisome grins on their faces.

"Hey!" said Billie.

"Dimitri, little brother!" exclaimed Billy.

"Last time we saw you, Dad was kicking you out of the house!" said Billie.

"Good times!" said Billy. "Mmmm." agreed Billee wholeheartedly.

"So, what's been up with you, little brother?" said Billie, clapping his hand on Dimitri's shoulder.

"Uh, well…" The Billies watched expectantly. "I joined a cult." he said, smiling.

"Good for you!" said Billy brightly.

"And I deal out money in single pennies—" he began.

"Just as you said you would!" said Billie.

"So, yeah, life has been pretty good." Dimitri said.

"Where are you living these days?" asked Billy curiously.

"Oh, um, a nice little abandoned shed down in the Dumpster." said Dimitri.

"We have news!" said Billie suddenly, no longer able to contain himself.

"MHMMMMMMM!" said Billee prestigiously.

"Sooooooooooooo…." began Billy.

"There's kind of a lot of stuff!" interjected Billie excitedly.

"And drumroll!" said Billy.

The three began to drum on Dimitri's desk loudly, causing some other clients to lean over and stare, but the Billies hardly noticed.

"Mom is letting you home now that Dad is gone in jail!" yelled Billie.

Yes, please, announce our family issues before the whole bank, thought Dimitri, in slight annoyance while secretly being quite confused/ecstatic at the news.

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!" cheered Billy.

Billee spewed his bar of soap across the room, where it knocked a large and important-looking file off of Ms. Chase's desk.

Dimitri cringed, and moved to go forward, but Jim came from his adjacent desk, and waved him away, smiling.

"HAVE A NICE TIME WITH YOUR CRAZY FAMILY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF FEFE!" Jim said in what was totally not an indoor voice.

Dimitri turned back to his brothers.

Billee grinned widely, now frothing at the mouth from all that soap, like he had rabies.

"So, are you coming, or what?" Billee asked, being able to speak at last.

The Billies grinned up at him.

"Nah, I like living where I am." said Dimitri.

"Awwww…" deflated Billy.

"But I am going to visit sometimes!" They all perked up. "You know, to hang out, eat food, and maybe take a shower or something."

"Yeah!" said Billee. A customer from a neighboring office cringed as he smiled widely with his froth-covered teeth.

"Can we visit?" asked Billie hopefully.

"Sure!" said Dimitri brightly.

"Oh, and we have more news!" exclaimed Billy.

"Yeah!" said Billee.

"We brought you a magical flying toaster oven!" said Billie.

"Yippee!" exclaimed Billy in excitement.

Dimitri's eyes went large.

"A magical flying toaster oven?" he repeated in awe, not quite believing his ears.

Magical flying toaster ovens were legends, majestic, courageous creatures rode by heroes into battle that could toast the most magnificent toast possible. There were great epics written to describe the taste of a single magical-flying-toaster-oven-toasted eggo, the crispiness, the sheer perfection, the beauty that this amazing animal/kitchen appliance could bring, even to your everyday mass-produced fake waffle. The king of Troy kept the finest magical flying toaster ovens in his stalls to serve in his great army, and they were often kept in Panera stores to toast the bagels and wonderful bread.

"How? What? Really? Me?" stuttered Dimitri.

"Yep!" said Billee proudly.

"We found him in a eBay box that fell from the sky!" exclaimed Billy.

"We were talking to him, and it turns out he was born in a kitchen in Australia, with his mother, and his mother's adoptive mother." said Billie.

"By extension, his adoptive grandmother!" said Billee.

"He never knew his father, so—" said Billy.

"It could either be a magical flying toaster oven." said Billee.

"Or, as we suspect, The Magical Flying Toaster Oven." said Billie, referring to Billy, the Great God of Magical Flying Toaster Ovens, one of the greatest legends of all time, and also the namesake of the three Billies.

(Btw this is based of off a very interesting and complicated backstory written by Julia, co-writer of this fanfic, about Billy The Magical Flying Toaster Oven. You can read that if you want to learn more!)

"Is that possible?" asked Dimitri in shock.

"Maybe." said Billy, shrugging.

"Or on the other hand, maybe not." said Billee.

Then Dimitri heard something fluttering. He looked down to see a box with an eBay logo on it in Billie's hands.

He gasped, "Holy mother of Toast! Is that it?" Dimitri asked in excitement.

The Billies nodded in unison, which actually was pretty creepy, and all said, "Yep!"

"Cool! Can I see it?"

"Billie was about to open the box when Billy stopped his hand. He looked around in suspicion and said in a whisper, "Not here. There are too many eye witnesses."

The other Billies nodded Siriusly and the three walked outside with Dimitri hot on their tails.

"I'm going on my break, Fefe!" he called out to Ms. Chase.

"Don't call me Fefe young man! Or I will rip off your—"

(Don't worry kids! She was going to say hoodie! Nothing R rated!)

"YES, WHATEVER YOU SAY FEFE!" called Jim from within the bank before she could finish the sentence.

Dimitri stifled a grin as he followed Billy, Billee, and Billie out the door.

He walked outside a bit faster and bumped into Billee, who bumped into Billy, who bumped into Billie who fell and dropped the ebay box.

The box went flying into the air, and just when it was at the point where it really should have just started to fall… it didn't.

(IT HOVERED THERE AS IT WAS CAUGHT IN A RAY BY ALIENS AND THE BOX WAS THEN TAKEN AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN! MWAHAHA!)

Or the alternative and much more realistic ending:

The box started to fly up in the air. The fluttering of wings could be heard inside as the box struggled to gain more altitude.

"Oh no!" said Billee.

"It's getting away!" Billy said.

Billie dropped to his knees dramatically. "NOOOO! COLLIN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED TO ME IN LIFE!"

Dimitri, Billy, and Billee looked at him offended.

Billie shrugged, self-conscious. "What?"

A sudden winds took ahold of the box and it was being carried away.

"Help me!" said the little toaster oven inside.

"Come on guys! Let's go get Collin!" Billy said courageously and ran off after the box with Billee and Billie trialing after him.

Dimitri looked around confused. "Hey, what up guys!" He ran after them all the while the one thought kept going through his head.

Who the heck is Collin?

The four teens ran around the town bumping into a few citizens and avocados on the way.

Dimitri bumped into a few avocados and some tortilla chips in his haste apologizing quickly over his shoulder, as they glared at them, excess salt flakes forming over their corn exteriors.

Then he realized that the box was (flying? hovering? moving?) towards the secret entrance to the Illiteracy Cult, in other words, the dumpster.

Well this should be interesting.

The Billies blindly ran after it and ran right into the dumpster. Billy, who was in the front ran face first and Billee ran into him. Then Billie, who had enough hindsight, tried to slow down, but instead he just tripped over his own feet and fell into the mud.

Dimitri, who was a considerable distance behind his brothers, jogged up to the dumpster.

"Where did it go?" Billy asked beneath Billee.

Dimitri helped up Billie and he had a confused expression. "I think it went behind the dumpster." he replied, lilting his voice as if asking a question.

"That the entrance to my Illiteracy Cult." Dimitri said with a frown.

Biller perked up and got off of Billy. "Really? Cool!"

Billy also stood up and jumped up and down in excitement. "Can we see? Can we see?" He said, resembling a little kid on Christmas.

Dimitri shrugged, "Sure, but you have to keep this place a secret. Okay?"

The Billies all nodded strongly.

Dimitri moves the Dumpster and showed a human sized hole in a wire fence.

He gestured for them to follow and crawled through the hole.

His brother followed him with barely contained excitement. Dimitri led them to the shed and gave the secret knock he had memorized this morning.

A slidable watch hole seemed to appear out of nowhere. Two green eyes stared at them through the slot.

"Password?" A muffled voice asked through the door.

Dimitri couldn't remember anyone mentioning a password.

"Uh…. Illiteracy rules?"

The eyes flared at him through the slot.

"With how many exclamation points?"

"...uh three?"

The eyes stopped glaring at him and the voice responded cheerfully.

"That's it! Welcome!"

Then the slot slide closed and there was a lot of noise coming from the door. They heard a lot of knocking lock sounds, and maybe even a few lasers before the door swung open to show Guac.

"Hey Dimitri! Sorry about the password thing, but strange things have been going on recently. You see— Oh! You've brought company." She said just noticing the Billies.

They all waved simultaneously and said in unison, "Hi! I'm Billy/Billee/Billie." depending on the person speaking.

Guac raised an eyebrow but shrugged. "Cool, I have three sisters called Adrienne/Adrianne/Adrian."

The parents in this town make very weird name choices.

"Anyway Guac, we came here to find a box it was flying and might have smelled like toast?" Dimitri asked while walking around and trying to spot the eBay box.

"Um, I don't think so what did the box look like?" She asked.

"It had the eBay logo on it." Billy said as he started looking for the box along with his brother.

"It fell from the sky this morning!" Billie said.

That's when the heard a scream.

"Oh no, that sounds like Joe!"

Dimitri raises an eyebrow. "Are you sure? That was a pretty girly scream."

They heard it again closer this time.

"Nope, definitely Joe."

That's when a figure ran into the room, this shed was surprisingly big, and had a metal object flapping around their head.

"Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" They said before the tripped and fell.

Dimitri looked at Guac. "You were right, it is Joe. He has a surprisingly feminine scream."

Joe flailed around on the floor for a little bit before Salsa entered the room.

"What is that noise?! Did Joe see a spider again? I've told him a million times that Arachne isn't out to get h—" she stopped short when she saw Joe on the ground being attacked by a toaster with wings. She looked up and saw Guac standing with Dimitri and three teens that all looked exactly alike.

"Um, what's going on?"

Guac shrugged. "Dimitri and his brothers were looking for a magical flying toaster and Joe found it."

Salsa sighed and pulled up Joe. She then took the struggling toaster off of his head.

It looked at her in fear.

"Are you going to try to molest me too?" it said, it's brown eyes wide and afraid.

Salsa was aghast and stared at Joe in horror.

"Joe! What did you do!?"

Joe held his arms out helplessly. "I didn't do anything! I saw an ebay box and thought it was a delivery for the cult. I opened the box to see the toaster and I was pretty hungry after that pie so I tried to put some bread in it. How was I supposed to know it was a magical flying toaster oven?!"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because it had freaking wings and could talk!"

"I didn't see them!"

"How do you miss—"

"Guys!"

Salsa and Joe turned to look at Guac.

Guac looked between them in disbelief with a hint of amusement. "You can get back to your married couple bickering later. We have more pressing issues at the moment."

Joe looked offended. "What?! Married co— We are not a married couple!"

"Shut up Joe!" Salsa said and turned back to the toaster oven.

"What's your name pepper?"

The small toaster oven unfolded its sky blue wings to show its face.

"I'm Collin."

Salsa smiled, "Nice to meet you Collin. I'm Salsa, not a stripper name, and that idiot that was attacking you was Joe."

Joe mumbled under his breath something about stupid toaster ovens and getting special attention.

Salsa ignored him, "And that over there is Guac, Dimitri (with special emphasis on the i) and… wait, who are you guys again?"

"I'm Billy!" "I'm Billee!" "And I'm Bartholomew!"

Everyone turned to look at a random girl in the back that was roasting a copy of Catching Fire from the Hunger Games series.

"Um, sorry Bart, but we weren't talking to you."

Bart frowned before blushing sheepishly, "Oh right, yeah, I'll just…" She quickly walked out of the room.

There was an awkward silence.

"Okay then, well I'm Billie" the last Billie said.

"I already met them." the toaster said before it started shaking.

Salsa frowned in confusion, "Collin? What's wro—woah!"

The toaster oven fell out of her hands and started to vibrate violently on the ground. It was emitting a bright golden light and then something started to come out of it.

"Holy Toast!" Guac exclaimed.

She was right. It was a giant slice of holy toast.

"Am I hallucinating?" Joe asked as he stared up at the giant slice of toast.

To his surprise, it responded.

"No, I am real. And I bear I message for the demigod son of Apollo."

A face appeared in the middle of the Toast. It had two eyes of butter and a smile of raisins.

"Uh, that would be me I guess." Dimitri replied.

His brothers' heads whipped over to gape at him. "Wait, whaaat?!"

The Toast's smile widened as he stared down at Dimitri.

"My dear boy, I have a message from your father, Apollo Greek god of the sun, archery, medicine, music, art, poetry, prophecy, kn—"

"Um, can we cut to the chase? We both know listing off his powers will take awhile." Salsa said.

The Toast was silent for a moment. "... True. I'll, as you mortals say, 'cut to the chase' then."

"Apollo's resident Oracle of Delphi has come down with the flu so I am giving out all prophecies for the time being, and I have one for you Dimitri Pieson."

Then dramatic mist came out of the toaster oven and surrounded the seven.

Then the toaster started to recite a poem in the form of a Haiku.

"You shall venture far

With items not up to par

Avoid the dragon."

There was a silence as everyone digested this.

"Wait, that's it?" Dimitri asked when nobody said anything for awhile.

The toast shrugged, which looked weird since it was toast and didn't have shoulders.

"Hey, I don't make the rules. Apollo's prophecies are always short and cryptic."

"So you have no other message from Apollo?" Salsa asked.

The toast was thoughtful before its buttery eyes glistened in realization.

"Of course! How could I have forgotten. He also says hi and asks how your mother is doing."

Dimitri frowned, "Well, she's married to the man who I thought was my father for my whole life until now. He also recently disowned me and is currently in jail."

"Oh, and he hit mom too." Billy said as if just now remembering this.

Dimitri rounded on him. "He did WHAT?!"

Billee nodded in agreement, "Yep, just a few days ago at the bakery."

"With a frying pan!" Billie added.

Joe coughed awkwardly "Uh, yeah. I was there too so I kinda saw that."

Now Salsa rounded on him. "And you didn't think to mention that before now?!"

Joe shrugged helplessly. "I forgot…"

Before things could escalate any further the Toast started to shimmer.

"Well… This has been awkward, but I have to go. I have a few more prophecies to deliver. Good luck! And don't forget the Triangle!"

The Toast then proceeded to shrink into a smaller, average piece of toast.

Everyone was silent.

"Well, looks like I have a quest to go on." Dimitri said.

Suddenly, a dramatic light shined down on Dimitri and in the background some adventure music could be heard.

Everyone turned to see a girl manning a spotlight and holding a phone which was the source of the music.

She saw everyone staring at her and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, too much?"

Salsa rolled her eyes. "Bart, what did we tell you about the cult spotlight?"

She blushed and walked away grumbling.

Then a loud crunching sound could be heard echoing throughout the room.

Everyone turned to see Joe munching on the slice of toast that had once been the Holy Toast (temporary oracle).

He felt the eyes in him and looked up stopping his munching momentarily. "What?" Joe said in a defensive tone. "I'm hungry okay?"

Salsa shook her head at him and walked away.

"What?!"

To be continued...