Legolas groaned and sunk his head back into his hands. He had been a deep state of despair since the latest Sue episode, and no one could shake him out of it. He had taken to sitting by himself in the depths of Mirkwood. But today Aragorn sat next to him, trying to get him to forget all about it.
"What if she comes back?" Legolas muttered, for the thousandth time that day.
Aragorn sighed. "We can only hope she doesn't."
But then Legolas narrowed his eyes, as if with a sudden idea.
"What is it?" Aragorn asked eagerly, leaning forward.
Legolas rubbed his hands thoughtfully. "Every time she has died, it was either by your hand or your prompting. Maybe that has something to do with it."
"Are you suggesting that I cannot slay a Sue?" the ranger growled, insulted.
"This is no regular Sue." Legolas said. "What kind of normal creature can keep coming back like this? There is some dark evil at work here."
"What are you thinking of doing?" Aragorn asked.
"If she returns, let me kill her." Legolas said, completely serious. "Maybe it will make some sort of difference."
"Well, it definitely would be useful if you don't faint on her like you have in the past." Aragorn said, snickering. "It makes it imperative that I slay her, for your own protection."
"I won't faint." Legolas said. "Not this time. If I do, just tie her down until I arise." He rose, fingering his twin knives. "She will pay dearly for her crimes against me."
"To arms! To arms!" Aragorn shouted, laughing. "Death to Sues!"
"Death to Sues?" a sweet voice floated over the air. "Does that include my gorgeous self, oh Leggy pie?"
"It's her!" Legolas hissed, and pulled Aragorn down with him behind a fallen tree. As they watched with horror, TriplyDead!Mary floated gracefully through the forest.
"Oh Leeeegggy!" she called. "I know you're there, don't be shy!"
"Shy, indeed." Legolas snarled, fitting an arrow to his bow.
"Oh, how romantic!" she sighed. "Just like Beren and Luthien, only our roles are reversed. The beautiful, perfect human lady dances through the woods, and the shy elf watches in amazement, but cannot bring himself to ask such a fair being to be his own. Oh Leggy, it is destiny! We were always meant to be together! Ah, come forth, I say, come forth!"
Aragorn sniggered and poked Legolas.
"Be still!" hissed Legolas. "It's not that funny!" He raised his bow, and let loose his arrow. But TriplyDead!Mary leapt aside, and spotted the Legolas' bow as it vanished back behind the tree.
"Leggy sweetie, what a cute way to greet me!" she gushed, and threw herself over the log, accidentally landing on Aragorn and embracing him. She planted a deep kiss on his lips.
"BLLLLUUUUUHHH!" Aragorn burst out, and shoved her away. She rolled across the ground and as she looked back, saw her mistake.
"Oh dearie Leggy, forgive me!" she wailed. "I thought it was you, truly I did!"
Legolas glared at her coldly. "You lie."
"I would never lie to you, honeycakes! Believe me, please!" Tears streamed down her cheeks.
Legolas didn't answer her, but flung one of his twin blades into her, slaying her on the spot.
"Oh, great work!" Aragorn shouted, leaping up and wiping the slobber off his lips.
"Now perhaps she will haunt us no longer." Legolas said. "Now let us leave this place of woe. Oh, and I will be telling Arwen about that little episode you had back there."
Ignoring Aragorn's death glare, he sprinted away towards his father's halls.
Review or what happened to Aragorn will happen to you.
