Chapter four of "Ethan's safety net", I've been excited to post this part for a while, it was tricky to write but hopefully it was worth it in the end! Again, thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows glad to see you're enjoying so far! I'd love to know what you think on this chapter Kayxxx :)
"Are you okay?" Zoe asked as Ethan slowly walked out of Amber's room dragging his feet obviously troubled, he seemed distant. "yes I'm fine" he replied in a flat tone that everyone had gotten used to by now "why don't you have a rest? Go to the staff room and have a cup of coffee or something, you've had a busy start to the day, I don't want to see you out here for 30 minutes!" She ordered. Ethan just nodded and headed for the staff room. This is something he really didn't want. Keeping himself busy all day was his way of stopping himself from thinking.
He sat at the table in the staff room tapping his fingers anxiously as he watched the clock slowly tick by, "30 minutes!" he sighed to himself, "what am I supposed to do with 30 minutes?". He thought about going to see Amber - she was the only person he felt he could see at the moment - but then he realised Cal would probably be taking his time treating her, making sure she was well stitched and chatted up. He rolled his eyes and placed his head in his hands, he began doing what he'd tried to avoid all day long; thinking about the crash. "If only I'd seen the other car coming I could've stopped in time, or at least swerved out of the way. I could've avoided this whole thing. Jeff would still be here and everything would be fine. It's all my fault" Ethan suddenly felt his body being shaken gently, he opened his eyes and looked up to find Zoe hovering over him eyebrows raised, to both his and her surprise he'd fallen asleep. He looked at the clock that he thought he'd just a few minutes ago been counting down the seconds on to see that almost an hour had passed. "Oh Zoe I'm sorry I don't even know how I-" Zoe cut him off holding up her hands "don't worry about it Dr. Hardy" without saying another word Ethan stood up and headed for the door.
"This isn't like you" Zoe called as he reached the door. "When are we going to get the old Ethan back?" She spoke firmly. He froze keeping his hand on the door knob "You can talk about it you know" Zoe called. Ethan didn't have to think for even a second, he knew what she was talking about. She walked over and placed her hand on the young doctor's back, she could feel how tense he was. "In confidence" she added looking into Ethan's eyes as he gave her a sideways glance sheepishly. He hesitated for a moment, he hadn't spoken about the accident to anyone, but not a day went by when he didn't think about it.
He let out a shaky sigh, and relaxed his tense muscles. He'd given in. He couldn't take it no longer, bottling up everything wasn't doing him any good. He knew that. He thought the longer he bottled things up, the easier it would get. He was wrong. he looked over his glasses at Zoe who have him a sympathetic smile.
"I go to sleep and it's there, I..I...wake up and it's there, I go to work and it's there. The feeling that none of this would've happened if it wasn't for me, it's constantly there. No one would've gotten hurt, Jeff wouldn't have died, Dixie...Dixie wouldn't have lost her best friend" he spat out stuttering at times as his words were rolling out too fast for him to say, he looked towards the ground his eyes were like tunnels. He took a deep breath before continuing slightly shaking his head "everything would be normal, everyone would be happy. Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I see him, Jeff, talking to me when I woke in the car "Ethan, it's Jeff you've been in a car accident mate" he says, his voice is so clear I could swear he's still here." Tears began to fill up in Ethan's eyes as he continued to speak. "I'm sick of people giving me sympathetic looks and talking quietly behind my back thinking I can't hear, saying they're worried about me, that they feel sorry for me? Why should they? and Cal?! Since when has he ever cared about me..why is he all of a sudden bothered?! Everyday I wish It had been me, it should've been me who didn't make it out then, not him. It should have been me!"
The doctor crumbled, tears began to stream down his face "Oh, Ethan!" Zoe sighed pulling him in for a hug in attempt to comfort the broken man stood before her, she buried her face into his blonde hair as he continued to weep into her. She held him in front of her placing a hand on each shoulder looking him deep in the eyes, his of which were still streaming with tears.
She spoke to him softly and slowly, making sure not to say the wrong thing "What happened that day happened. There was nothing that could've been done to avoid any of it, Jeff died doing what he loved, he was happy. Ethan you are in no way to blame for this, I can promise you that." She spoke confidently.
Ethan began to conduct himself, wiping away his tears and taking deep breaths. He let out a sigh, for some reason he believed every word Zoe had just said, although people had said the exact same thing to him tens of times, this time he believed it.
"The reason people are acting like they care is because they do care about you Ethan. They're worried about you. Bottling things up never works. I'm just happy you've finally spat out what's been bothering you, and maybe now you can start moving on. Everything is back to normal and everyone is happy. The only thing that's stopping that is you."
Ethan slowly began to realise that that, in fact, was true. Everything was returning back to normal, everyone was happy, even Dixie did some smiling every now and again and she was the one who'd lost her husband. Of course Cal cared. If it would've been the other way around Ethan would be acting exactly the same as Cal is now, it's the natural thing to do.
"It's me" Ethan spoke in realisation. "what's you?" Zoe whispered.
"I'm the one who is stopping everyone from moving on, I'm the daily reminder. Every time they look at me they remember that day. Because I'm still stuck there, in the past thinking about the "what if's" and "if only's" feeling sorry for myself. Poor Dixie. Dixie sat in that ambulance today making sure I was okay to be at the scene of the crash when she is the one who wakes up every morning knowing she's lost her best friend, she had to face that crash too, I should've been concerned for her not the other way around. And Cal. All he was doing is being there for me and all I did was push him away." He stopped collecting his thoughts "Selfish." He concluded. "No no. Ethan you've always been the Independent one, you've always been the one who was there for everyone else. How were you supposed to recognise when someone is being there for you if you've never experienced it before? Everyone understands how you feel completely Ethan not one person out there thinks you're selfish, if anything you're seen to as is strong." There was a sudden physical change in Ethan, he seemed to get back his colour in his face, he didn't look as worn out.
It was like bottling up his worries had been like carrying a weight on his shoulders, every day getting heavier and heavier and harder to hold onto and now, suddenly, he's been able to but down that weight for the first time in a month and it, felt, great. All his worries and problems were all in his head. He looked up at Zoe with a smile "thank you" he spoke, his voice seeming back to his normal tone. "You're welcome" she replied happy to see someone had finally broken through to him.
"Go home Ethan, come in tomorrow and start on a fresh day who knows you might get some sleep for once" Zoe spoke in a jokey tone. "Although a good night's sleep does sound tempting, I'm fine" Ethan smiled at the fact that was the first time in what seemed like forever he'd said the words "I'm fine" and truly meant it. Zoe could see it in his face that he truly was fine, this was all her and the other colleagues had longed to see. She nodded and with that Ethan turned and headed out of the staff room with a bounce in his step, he picked up some patient's notes and headed for cubicles.
