The Jarvan that came out of the previous Jarvan's testicles and the fourth in the Lightshield line sat at the Demacian mobile command console, in order to initiate his duel winning attack against fellow noble Fiora.
Jarvan had decided it was a fucking genius idea to make himself look good by winning a duel with Fiora, and impress her enough for her to let him put his oui oui into her putain de éclair. Although it was admittedly a surprisingly intelligent plan, the largest hole in this undertaking was that Jarvan fucking sucked at everything. So far, after several hilarious ass whoopings from the Laurent lunges in the vitals, Operation: Fence n' Fuck was not getting either fence or fuck.
"Shyvana, now do you understand why I have to fire Demacia's entire nuclear arsenal and the biological weapons outlawed everywhere except for Zaun at Mrs. Laurent over there?" Jarvan asked his slave, who only heard about half of what her master just said through all of his crown prince cum clogged in her ear canals.
All the nukes fired at once and because Jarvan was such a fuckboy, it was a targeted spell.
Fiora did the thing from one of those anime or mango where the person just stands there or poses or something and then there is a panel or shot of their face or mouth where they smirk, and then they magically not get hit or block all the shots or something like that, but it was not magic, it was Riposte, the greatest League of Legends ability ever invented for granting the user the illusion of possessing skill.
I almost forgot to mention the part that comes after those anime dodge abilities where the attacking character expresses shock that their offense failed and they say or think something like "He's fast!", or "Such power!", or one of many generic responses.
"She's fast!" Jarvan exclaimed, surprised that Fiora had parried all the warheads. In his defense, I would be pretty fucking surprised too if some dumb bitch with a shit sword just deflected an entire country's nuclear arsenal back to their origin point with said sword.
And to top it off, her W stunned Jarvan for exactly one and a half seconds, because Jarvan was too mentally challenged to buy tenacity, so that was an entire one and a half seconds of relative peace for the world due to Jarvan not fucking something up.
The crowd control turned out to be longer than that as Jarvan was too in shock to respond, and Shyvana was unable to come to the aid of her dickheaded master because the radiation from the nukes had given her half-dragon cancer, which is very similar to regular cancer except for the fact that the tumors breath fire and have the instinctive urge to suck some jackass prince's chode.
As this happened, Noxian High Command was ecstatic that Demacia was nuked without them having to do it, and they sent some of their best dudes over to fuck shit up and take things for profit.
"We're here to fuck shit up and take things for profit!" Swain croaked out after he hobbled over to Demacia from Noxus as lightspeed, followed by Darius, and none of the other Noxian champions because none of them are the president or as big of an asshole as Darius.
Jarvan and Shyvana were still standing there like complete and utter morons, but Fiora was not having any of that horseshit on any day of the week, so she came at them like a 40% CDR monster and practically butt fucked the non-Demacian duo with her rape rapier. It was so bad that Swain could no longer walk properly for real and not him just faking it like he probably does all the time, and Darius shit his metal diaper but it was fine for him because he has a bee up his ass already. Regardless, the two idiots from another city-state left because nobody liked them either.
Jarvan and Shyvana were both in tears. Jarvan had never seen such a beautiful and perfect female fighter that had not been manufactured in the Mary Sue factory. Shyvana was sobbing because she knew that Jarvan had fallen in love with Fiora, because the look in his eyes was identical to the one in hers whenever she looked at Jarvan, except Jarvan's lovestruck look resembled a baboon with a horrible allergic reaction and Shyvana's expression was just her turning into a dragon, so they pretty much did not look similar at all.
BUT SHYVANA STILL KNEW.
And as Jarvan slowly crawled towards Fiora with his radiation atrophied legs, each and every cell of half-dragon tumor in Shyvana's body resonated with unearthly rage, and as one, as all, they screamed.
"JARVAN!"
"IS!"
'MINE!"
Just like every other League of Legends player in game who have somehow lost the ability to communicate in chat in complete sentences, and they're dead and waiting to respawn, or they're in champion select, or something like that so they do not even have the excuse of being in the middle of gameplay. Like seriously, what the fuck is up with League of Legends players, why they always gotta talk.
"JUST"
"LIKE"
"THIS?"
In chat, and it's usually in all caps too.
But Shyvana (and her half-dragon cancer) were far angrier than the League of Legends players who probably talk like that, and Fiora fucking shit her tights so bad, the weight dragged her down and she was snared for longer than Morgana's Dark Binding. The sheer fury of Shyvana's cancer was so devastating, the tumor burned itself away as fuel to unleash the most concentrated salt the the world of Valoran had ever seen and will probably ever see, and it disintegrated Fiora instantly.
To be continued
