For the next day, Sam wouldn't eat or respond to anyone or anything, lying immobile on her bed as she looked at the adjacent wall with unseeing eyes. T stood by her bed with a worried expression, asking Jack,
"What's up with Sam?"
Jack replied, looking at her back with concern, "No idea. One of the Nurses on the nightshift said that Carter was crying and beating her pillow at around nine."
T ran his hand over his hairless dark head, replying as he caressed Sam's shoulder, "She was fine before. I thought she was getting better."
"She was... I guess it's all hitting her now."
T said softly, bending over Sam's still frame, "Sam, come on, girl, at least eat something."
"Don't bother T… she hasn't said anything since I've been here this morning. They were gonna take her bandages off today but Doc said they'll wait 'til she's up for it."
T nodded slowly and said, "Some nightmare…"
Jack shrugged as he leaned forward to touch her arm, a worried expression on his face. T asked,
"Hey, is Sara coming? She hasn't been for a while."
"Yeah, I… I think she's pissed at me for coming here so much, but she doesn't understand how things are."
"I know we're all close at the department but you've got to take some time out for her, or you're gonna lose her, man. Any girl's gonna think they're second to Sam and the rest of us…you wouldn't leave my side during the transplant – always appreciate that, man – but I'm still surprised she didn't dump your ass then."
Jack exhaled a long breath as he put his face in his hands, and then they both looked up on hearing a knock at the open door to see Daniel, who said, his hands in his pockets, "Hi Colonel."
He looked at T, and Jack said, gesturing wearily, "T, this is Doctor Jackson – Carter's Shrink… Doc, this is T – he worked with Carter."
Daniel and T shook hands, T saying with a little smile as he patted the Psychologist on the shoulder, "Oh, the Shrink. Sam wouldn't stop talking about you yesterday."
Daniel looked embarrassed, and then said with a worried expression on noticing that Sam hadn't moved, "I heard from Janet about what happened… is the Captain still not speaking?"
T shook his head and Jack replied, looking at Sam worriedly, "Not a peep out of her since I've been here... been here since first thing."
Daniel gently touched her shoulder. When she didn't respond, he, his brow wrinkling with worry, moved to the other side of the bed, where he saw much to his dismay that her eyes were puffy and were looking past everything. He gently touched her hand and said quietly,
"Captain?"
After a long silence, as he was about to get up, she whispered, "I'm ugly."
Jack and T looked at each other in surprise, the latter saying, "She said something."
Daniel crouched back down again, holding her hand once more, and he said softly, "No you're not. Why would you say that?"
She began to cry, closing her eyes as she whispered, "I hate my body. It's all ugly."
As her friends looked increasingly worried, Daniel said, "Captain, the scars will go. You're going to be ok. It's just going to take some time, but you'll be fine."
Glancing up at Janet as she entered the room, Daniel continued, smoothing Sam's brow, "At least eat something… Janet tells me you haven't eaten at all, and it's the afternoon. Your blood sugar must be lower than Worf's."
Jack, T and Janet smiled briefly at the Star Trek reference, and the Captain nodded slightly. Janet and Daniel helped her to sit up, the former saying,
"Sam… you're gonna pull through this."
--------------------
A little later, Sam having not said anything since her self-deprecating comments, Daniel wheeled her around the hospital because of the sudden downpour outside. He stopped in the hospital cafeteria and, after ordering two coffees and some cookies, sat at a table with her.
He sipped his with a little smile as he noticed her previously impassive face change on smelling the coffee. She looked up, her eyes immediately focussing on the steaming cup, and she then looked at him, saying quietly,
"Doctor Frasier won't let me drink coffee."
He lifted his cup briefly, saying with that same smile, "Well, Sarah won't let me drink it either – she says it makes me loopy… this could be our little secret. I won't tell if you don't."
She smiled for the first time that day, and he said, noticing her hesitate, "Go ahead."
She slowly reached for the cup, taking a small sip, and she closed her eyes, saying softly, "Thanks. I haven't had coffee since before the…"
She trailed off, opening her eyes as tears pricked her eyes, and he said with a nod, his smile vanishing, "I can imagine."
Her smile reappeared as she said, "It kept me up many a-night during my college days."
"Oh yeah…I lived on the stuff. My Mom used to scold me, saying that I needed to eat properly."
She chuckled and he gestured to a plate of cookies, saying with a warm smile, "Chocolate Walnut cookies… the only real cookie."
She laughed again, replying, "Thanks. I imagine this is the other main constituent of your diet…"
"Oh, I wish… I can't get enough of these. Sarah counts them whenever she's over and puts sanctions on them."
She said softly, her smile fading as she began to feel more than a little envious of a woman she didn't know, "She cares about you."
He nodded, smiling slightly as he said, "I know."
Her gaze lowered and she sighed, reaching a hand under her gown to smooth a bandaged sore spot, and he asked, changing the subject, "Have they given you a timeline for letting you go?"
She sighed again, replying as she picked up a cookie, looking at it, "Not a timeline, per se… The Doctor did say that it would be soon…"
She grimaced and continued, "I don't think I did myself any favours today… they were going to take my bandages off."
He placed a hand over hers and said gently, "Captain-Doctor, you're going to get through this. You're still you. You're still Samantha Carter despite the scars. The scars are badges of honour – you didn't get them from committing a crime – you saved two lives, two lives that otherwise wouldn't have come out of that place alive."
A tear ran down her cheek as her gaze lowered again, thinking about the two children whom she had saved, who had visited her before the most recent surgeries with their parents to thank her. She said quietly,
"I'm still ugly."
"No you're not."
He said gently, "Eat the cookie – I can't guarantee that it will solve your problems, but you'll feel a little better at least."
She sighed again and then took a little bite. Chewing it thoughtfully, she paused in surprise and then said with a small smile after she had swallowed,
"Wow."
He smiled, remarking, "I may have just converted you to them."
She continued eating, and when she had finished, he asked, "Feel better?"
She nodded and his smile grew wider for a moment, and he said, "Told you. You know, apparently President Reagan had a jar of jellybeans on his desk in the Oval office… if I was in his place, I'd have a jar of these things."
She laughed, remarking, "You'd get fat."
"Totally worth it."
They smiled at each other, and she asked as she reached for another cookie, "So… do you have any pets?"
He replied as he sipped his coffee, a thoughtful expression on his face, "I did have a cat… Isis… a beautiful tabby named after the Egyptian goddess of magic. I had her since she was a kitten… but Sarah's allergic to cats so I gave her to my parents…the cat that is, not Sarah."
He looked down for a moment with a little smile, and then asked, "You?"
She replied as she mused over the cookie, "I had a cat too…"
She looked at him and continued, "Schrödinger. He's named after an Austrian Physicist, who used his cat in a famous thought experiment to illustrate the complexity and strangeness of quantum mechanics and the mathematics required in order to render it…"
Resting his chin on his hand as he listened with interest, he said, "You know, most people would assume that a Physicist would name their cat Einstein, Hawking, or even Armstrong, but Schrödinger's pretty good… it's like a private joke."
She smiled, and he said after a pause, "You said had."
She briefly smiled, replying, "I gave it to an old boyfriend of mine… Nathan. He'd never had a cat before."
He raised his eyebrows briefly, and she said, "You know, cat allergies can be treated – your girlfriend can get tablets."
He replied with a nod, "I know… I take antihistamines for my dust allergies, but…"
He smiled grimly and continued, "Sarah just doesn't like cats."
"Ah."
He asked after a little awkward pause, looking up from his cup, "Are you looking forward to your bandages coming off?"
She chewed her lip and said with a brief frown, which melted into muted anguish, "I'm not but it's got to happen someday… I mean, I can't just hide out or… or be a recluse."
She closed her eyes and he said, concerned, "They won't do it until you're ready. Why do you have to hide? As I understand it, you're suffering for being brave during something started up by two juvenile delinquents whose collective sentences wouldn't even scare a kid."
She nodded dejectedly and remarked softly, "Woe betide our criminal justice system."
He looked around her for a moment and then said, "Well, I was exaggerating… a little, but the point is that they'll be out one day and they'll just carry on with their lives while you have to suffer."
